H in recovery - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-01-2016, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H in recovery

HI Tropical,

Your AH will make promises to your and himself, he will believe them but he will break them. An A cannot control his drinking anymore that you can control the weather. He will make deals with himself to cut back and he will for a while but in the space of a few months (maybe shorter) he will be back to where he was before. I have been on that ride over and over many times in the space of over 20 years. He needs to give it up altogether. My AH realises this now, He says it all starts with the first drink. They just have to not take the first drink, hour by hour, day by day.
Your AH is fighting tooth and nail, making deals with himself not do give up the drink completely that is what A's do, he may never hit the point where he will get sober, some need to lose everything to hit rock bottom. YOu have make a decision for yourself, will you be able to put up with this, will you survive a worsening of this alcoholism, without intervention it does not get better, it gets progressively worse.

My AH is still in recovery, no drinking as far as I know. We are both in IC and MC. I am in an online Al Anon group but I find IC better for me. I read a lot. The mC is also helping a lot though I do have days when I have triggers and think of all the emotional abuse I have gone through and wonder should I just leave. I am in a comfortable place but never fully relaxed, it is still fresh so I sometimes wait for things to change, for him to start again as I realise it might happen. He knows that is the deal breaker for me, I made that clear in the MC. So like him I take it one day at a time. Our marriage has improved, our communication has improved because the drinking is out of the equation. Our marriage has problems (like any marriage) but things are clearer and easier to work on without the alcohol. He cheated on me 17 years ago and I suspect about 5 years ago (though no proof of the second one, just a gut feeling). If I found evidence of the second one I would leave him in a heart beat and not look back. Alcohol is no excuse for cheating. I am working now, getting another degree and trying to build up my finances so that I will never have to rely on him again. It hasn't been easy, the past will always play a part in the present, I have forgiven but not forgotten and I choose not to forget as that is what will help me in the future to never allow someone to treat me the way he has.
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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-01-2016, 10:47 PM
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Re: H in recovery

Keep the faith aine... keep the faith, it takes perseverance to turn pain into wisdom, then the healing comes...

I believe in you my friend.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 07-01-2016 at 11:01 PM.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 07:21 AM
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Re: H in recovery

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HI Tropical,

Your AH will make promises to your and himself, he will believe them but he will break them. An A cannot control his drinking anymore that you can control the weather. He will make deals with himself to cut back and he will for a while but in the space of a few months (maybe shorter) he will be back to where he was before. I have been on that ride over and over many times in the space of over 20 years. He needs to give it up altogether. My AH realises this now, He says it all starts with the first drink. They just have to not take the first drink, hour by hour, day by day.
Your AH is fighting tooth and nail, making deals with himself not do give up the drink completely that is what A's do, he may never hit the point where he will get sober, some need to lose everything to hit rock bottom. YOu have make a decision for yourself, will you be able to put up with this, will you survive a worsening of this alcoholism, without intervention it does not get better, it gets progressively worse.

My AH is still in recovery, no drinking as far as I know. We are both in IC and MC. I am in an online Al Anon group but I find IC better for me. I read a lot. The mC is also helping a lot though I do have days when I have triggers and think of all the emotional abuse I have gone through and wonder should I just leave. I am in a comfortable place but never fully relaxed, it is still fresh so I sometimes wait for things to change, for him to start again as I realise it might happen. He knows that is the deal breaker for me, I made that clear in the MC. So like him I take it one day at a time. Our marriage has improved, our communication has improved because the drinking is out of the equation. Our marriage has problems (like any marriage) but things are clearer and easier to work on without the alcohol. He cheated on me 17 years ago and I suspect about 5 years ago (though no proof of the second one, just a gut feeling). If I found evidence of the second one I would leave him in a heart beat and not look back. Alcohol is no excuse for cheating. I am working now, getting another degree and trying to build up my finances so that I will never have to rely on him again. It hasn't been easy, the past will always play a part in the present, I have forgiven but not forgotten and I choose not to forget as that is what will help me in the future to never allow someone to treat me the way he has.
Thanks, Aine, for the information. Hearing about others experiences is helpful. I am struggling with accepting that I have no control over him. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. I also struggle with the fact that he has no control over it. I'm getting there slowly though.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: H in recovery

I have come across your post late, but thought I would share some thoughts. I am married to a recovering alcoholic.

To say things have been tough would be an understatement. Until your spouse reaches rock bottom and realizes they need to change, living with an alcoholic sucks, you know. You don't know if you will get Dr. Jeckle or Mr. Hyde on any given night. Or especially if you know their drinking triggers and you have the expectation that something is going to happen. My wife finally hit the bottom when I had to pick her up from jail at 2:00AM because she had been pulled over (well over the limit). The following year of court appearances and extreme depression were difficult. Between that and having me on the other side telling her that I would not put up with it any more finally sank in.

That was about 3 years ago, she started to go to AA and attend IC plus we did some MC along the way. It certainly has not been all sunshine and roses. The road to recovery has been a long, hard trail. Stopping the drinking was not so bad as the all the depression she felt over what she had done to her kids and family.
It has taken her up until the last few months to really come to terms with what has happened and she is moving forward wonderfully. She has become much more confident in herself and her outlook on her kids, her job, and our marriage. She has even recently become a sponsor to someone else in AA and is helping them.

I have supported her the entire time and I will admit that more than a few times I was nearly ready to throw in the towel. Honestly, if I had not started to see some positive this year, I may well have been done. I can support for so long before I need to start having my emotional tank filled too. So it can be done, but you need to play an active part in his recovery. In the beginning he will not be able to provide you as much as you may want, he will be working on his recovery. That is the toughest time if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It can be a long tunnel, with rocks along the way. If you are both committed, it can be done.

I hope that my story gives you a little of what it can be like. I am not sure sometimes if I am supportive or just plain stubborn for sticking around so long.
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: H in recovery

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Until your spouse reaches rock bottom and realizes they need to change, living with an alcoholic sucks, you know.
@C3156 So the jail time was the turning point for her?

@aine Did your H have a turning point (rock bottom?)? If so, what moment was that?

My H does not believe that he is an Alcoholic. He went from drinking 7 days a week to about 2 or 3 days a week. On a holiday weekend, it's usually all weekend. I dread weekends and holidays especially. Pretty sad. But, I feel like he just extended reaching rock bottom. Is that a bad thing to say?
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H in recovery

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@C3156 So the jail time was the turning point for her?

@aine Did your H have a turning point (rock bottom?)? If so, what moment was that?

My H does not believe that he is an Alcoholic. He went from drinking 7 days a week to about 2 or 3 days a week. On a holiday weekend, it's usually all weekend. I dread weekends and holidays especially. Pretty sad. But, I feel like he just extended reaching rock bottom. Is that a bad thing to say?
Yes it got so bad with the fights, the emotional abuse, I started not coming home and staying in a hotel one weekend (this has happened before). That weekend he came home at 6am, I told him I could not take it anymore and asked him to move out and we separated, I told him I was speaking to a divorce lawyer, I had a few lined up via friends. He knew he had gone over the edge. We are going to MC and IC. He goes to AA (I used to go to Al Anon). Things are moving but at the moment very shaky for me right now though he is doing what needs to be done.
He doesn't have anything to give me emotionally and I have never felt so alone. I have carried this marriage for so long that now I do not know if I can stay even if he does all the right things.
I am going overseas for a month, maybe that will give me time to think of what I should do that is best for me.

It is never easy, even when they try to get sober. The amount of damage is overwhelming, in my case it was years of emotional abuse tbh and me trying to keep things together, now I don't have to anymore and sometimes I feel like 'f it'.

I'm not even sure if he loves me or is in love with me. I guess the fact I am asking that question, says a lot.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: H in recovery

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@C3156 So the jail time was the turning point for her?
Tropical,

I think jail time and experiencing the consequences of a DUI (Restricted driving, conviction on her record, increased insurance) really opened her eyes.

As I mentioned, that opened another can of worms with the guilt and remorse she felt over what she had done and the people she had affected. It has taken her years to come to terms with her guilt and move forward with her life and recovery.

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
He doesn't have anything to give me emotionally and I have never felt so alone. I have carried this marriage for so long that now I do not know if I can stay even if he does all the right things.

I'm not even sure if he loves me or is in love with me. I guess the fact I am asking that question, says a lot.
aine,

Your emotional tank, I use the "Five Love Languages" analogy here, is pretty empty I am guessing. It is a lonely and frustrating feeling when you are not getting anything back even though you put everything in. I too was close to point of no return.

He most likely will not have a lot to give you for a while based on my experience. Right now he is focused on his recovery and does not have a lot left over for you. He has to get through the stages of recovery (emotional and physical) before he will be in a place to truly start to give back. Everyone's recovery is different, so it is hard to say when things may start to get better.

Perhaps the month away will give you time to reflect and determine what is best for you. Honestly, I would be one of your biggest cheerleaders if you choose to move on with you life w/o your H. You can only forgive and forget so much.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 07-13-2016, 09:32 AM
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Re: H in recovery

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I am going overseas for a month, maybe that will give me time to think of what I should do that is best for me.

It is never easy, even when they try to get sober. The amount of damage is overwhelming, in my case it was years of emotional abuse tbh and me trying to keep things together, now I don't have to anymore and sometimes I feel like 'f it'.

I'm not even sure if he loves me or is in love with me. I guess the fact I am asking that question, says a lot.
The time away will give you a taste of what it would be like to be without him. It may give you clarity and push you in either direction. Safe travels; let us know how you're doing.
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: H in recovery

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The time away will give you a taste of what it would be like to be without him. It may give you clarity and push you in either direction. Safe travels; let us know how you're doing.
HI Tropicalbeachiwish,

How are things with you and your AH?
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:16 PM
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Re: H in recovery

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HI Tropicalbeachiwish,

How are things with you and your AH?
Hi Aine,

Things have been the same over the last few months. H is drinking about 4 days a week; weekends are a given and are the most difficult for me. I try to keep myself busy with my hobbies and getting together with my friends/family. I don't have a lot of support though. He doesn't have any desire to stop drinking even though he says that he physically feels better when he doesn't drink.

One of the things that we agreed to do was get out of the house for fun things (we were sitting around a lot). So we go to hockey games, a concert, a movie, etc but everything outside of the home usually involves drinking. So, I struggle with wanting to do things because I feel like it's enabling. If I want to go to dinner, I know that he's going to drink. I know that it's not my job to police it. But yet it's a catch 22.

I did have a good heart to heart with his mother a few weekends ago. His family was over for a cookout and I got some alone time with her. Husband was drunk and was in another part of the house with his brother & father. He came downstairs to get carpet cleaner because he spilled his beer. My mother in law & I was in the kitchen when this happened so it opened up a good door for us to chat. I expected her to minimize it or defend him but she didn't. She listened and acknowledged that she's thought he was an alcoholic for some time now. He apparently asked her not too long ago if she thought he was and she told him YES. I've never talked to her about it before and had always wondered if they were aware and what they thought of it. I think it was clear that she didn't know of the extent of it. How would she when she doesn't live with us?! I cried in front of her and told her of the potential separation that we talked about last year. I mentioned my regret of not having children and marrying the wrong person for that anyways. It was probably tough for her to hear those things about her son. She teared up and told me that if I ever needed to talk to her, that her door was always open. A little bit of weight was lifted when I spoke with her.

At this point, I'm convincing myself quite often that it's better to have a companion than to be alone. We do get along great (when sober) & we have many things in common. I try to focus on these things.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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