Just don't know what to do - His fetish. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-29-2016, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Just don't know what to do - His fetish.

So my husband and I have been married just coming up 14 years. I love him, he loves me, we have 3yo twins and for the most part everything id great apart from his fetish and his seeming inability to give it up..... I have tried everything I can think of and I am just at the end of my rope.

My husband is a gainer, meaning that he likes to get fat, or feel fat, on purpose. Although it's commonly a gay comminity my husband is straight, or if he isn't he is bi-sexual because I know he is sexually attracted to me.

I knew about the gaining before we were married and for a while I went along with it, calling him fat, rubbing his belly, feeding him etc.... all on the understandibg that if it affected his health ot either of us had a problem that he would stop or we would at least talk about it. So that was fine for maybe the first two or so years.

Then ge had a gay friend who was into the same thing, and I was more than happy for them to hang out and do feeding, as it did nothing sexually for me. It was no sexual contact, although back then if he had asked me if he could fool around and have sexual contact I would of been OK with that, because quite frankly the though of two guys gets my motor running. Things were fine till gay friend got a bf and then wanted nothing to do with hubby. He was a bit hurt because they went from being friends to absolutely no contact, not even a txt, nothing. I supported hubby around the loss of his friend and went back to being his gaining supporter although I had told him that it did nothing sexually for me, but I would do it for him. Mostly because I didn't want to tell him he couldn't have something he liked and would resent me later.

After some time gay friend broke up and suddenly he wanted to be friend again. I felt a bit wary of rhe sudden change, but husband was happy. I even met this guy and he was nice enough until he admitted that he hated me because I was a woman and that I had mt husband. At that point I told my husband that I wasn't really sure I was comfortable with him anymore and he wasn't to come to our house anymore. Not long after that the friend got another bf and did the same thing, cutting my husband out in a vallous way. I told my husband that I didn't want him to be friends with this guy if he was going to treat him that way and we agreed. That is untill a few months later I found out that the friend had broken up and they were meeting again. I voiced my disaproval but told him to do as he wanted since he was an adult and I can't control his friends. Eventually my husband had enough of the treatment and cut all ties with the guy.

Now I had a gainer on my hands who wanted me to feed his fetish, and I tried, I really did, but one night as he flopped all over me I felt disgusted. I felt like he was only attracted to me because I am large, and we only had sex if he was in the mood and nearly all the foreplay was about fat. I was just so turned off. So I told him, he agreed that he had said he would stop if I ever had a pronlem with it, and that time had come.

Then came the porn and stories. There is plenty of gaining pron and feeding stories and forums online. He had been going to them before, but now he was going to them all the time. He atarted spending most of his time online and I even caught him masterbating a few times,that really made me unhappy because I had a huge sex drive and he would hardly ever have sex anymore. I asjed him to stop, because it was consuming his life and I felt like I didn't matter to him anymore. He agreed and I thought it was done with.

We moved to Seattle for his work for 14months, and it was hard on me. I was sufferibg from seasonal depression badly and just wanted to go home. My husband wad working long hours and I spent a good deal of my time online playing World of Warcraft and chattjng to my Aussie friends, we both did it was our thing we did together. I thought my husband was a little distant, but I was caught up in my own misery and didn't really pay it much notice until the day he went to work and left messenger sugned in on his computer. It was normal for our computers to be running 24/7 so I didn't think it was weird it was on. During the day I kept hearing a message alert sound but it was soft because he had his speakers down low, but I eventually realised the sould was frim his pc, so I wike his machine to sign him out of messenger, because he was getting heaps of messages and it was annoying. I wasn't prying it never occured to me, as we told each other everything, well that is what I thought. The messages were all gaining related with the most recent one from a guy asking what time were they meeting the next day.

I was shocked and shattered, he had started up with the gaining again. When he got home I told him "Can you please not leave your messenger logged in when your at work, you was getting messages all day" and he was teah, ok. He must not of realised that I was trying to hint that I knew what he was doing, so I trued again. "Will you be working late tomorrow?" Since ai had seen the message about meeting up thr nexy day. "Oh, yeah.... it will probably be a late one, something has come up." Completely staight face although I knew he was lying to me. I confronted him saying I knew he was back into the gaining again, he calmy lied saying, No, he had looked at some stories a few months ago but stopped. I told him I had read his messages, that I knew about the guy he was going to meet the next day. He couldn't deny that because it was there on his pc, date and time stamped. He told me he wasn't going to meet the guy, but I didn't believe him. I felt like I was drowning or something, just thinking of it is maling it hard to breathe. I felt like he had cheated on me, without the sex because I knew he'd never do that but he lied to my face, so smoothly, while looking so innocent.

I told him I wanted him to see a therapist because he obviously couldn't stop his fetish without help. I was not going back to feeling like a fat object. He refused, said he would tell everyone on his messenger and forums he was leaving. Showed me the posts, uninstalled messenger and then we locked his internet with a password only I knew and made me system adim so he couldn't install anything without me knowing. This was supposed to stop him getting online, but it was bull**** and we both knew it he's a software engineer and build pc's instead of buying them from a shop, he could get around a net blocker and hide his internet history from me. But I felt like he was making an effort, so I forgave him. After a few months we took off all the security because he had convinced me he could trust him. You think he would of been more careful with his messenger as I found messages again a few weeks after we removed the web blocket, at this point I looked at his internet history, he wasnt even trying hide hide his tracks. I confronted him, he tried to deny it again. I told him I knew he was lying and he said he had been feeling lonely and that was why, it just made me really angry because I was deeply depressed feeling that my life was wasted and I had told him that. His cure, buy me things.... and HE was lonely? I had no friends, no car, and I hated America.

That night he cane to bed and tried to be intimate, but I was so angry, hurt and disgusted that I couldn't even sleep in the same bed so I moved into the guest bedroom, and stayed there a good six months. In this time I asked him to see a therapist again, and he refused again, opting to lock down rhe pc again, I refused because what was the point and I believe he stopped again.

Now its four or five years after, we are back in Australia, we have had twin girls and bought a house. Then I find photos of my husbands belly on his computer, again not prying, the girls were playing with his computer and opened up a heap of files. Confront..... I really thought it was over. He says he thought it would be OK if he kept pics for himself, but I know that its not just that because I DID pry on this internet hustory after I saw the pics. He promises to stop and will tell me if he feels he is slipping.

Less than a month ago he got a new phone. He was bathing the girls and I thought the phone was riniging do I grabbed it to take it to him so he can ring back if it was important, since the phone is locked to his fingerprint. Apparently messages come up on your screen and you guessed it.... he's at it again.

This time he tells me, ge doesn't even have an excuse, I guess at keast hes not lying. I didn't 'have it out' with him until the girls were in bed, and he had the gall to ask me what could he could obsess over so he wouldn't stray again. How the hell am I supposed to work out something that will amuse him? So I sacrafice my thing thatvIbwant to learn to do, for me, to him. To write games for Android for kids, because of my girls. He acted all excited but of course done nothing.

I woke this morning at 3 as he left the bedroom..... I don't think he's stopped. I don't even think he's tried. I don't want to go out there and catch him at what I fear. I don't know what to do anymore, but I hate being suspicious of him, but right now I feel like I am living here alone with the kids, he doesn't try to even spend time with me, like playng a game or watching Tv with me. What do I do? How do I get him to stop? I can't go to my parents or anything because they live too far away and also I don't want to explain this to them.

Sorry this is so long. But I don't really have anyone to talk to.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-29-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: Just don't know what to do - His fetish.

You're married to an addict who doesn't want to get help. Does all this feeding, eating etc involve sex? You may want to get checked for STDs. Sorry, can't be of much help because I've never heard of this fetish. How much does he weigh and is it affecting his health?

Last edited by Blondilocks; 05-29-2016 at 04:23 PM. Reason: spelling
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-29-2016, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just don't know what to do - His fetish.

The feeding and eating itself doesn't involve sex when it comes to my husband, but the feeling full from it, fat, weight gain or commenting on his appearance does get him turned on. I probably should realise that he's back at it again as soon as he starts to come to me for sex.

He is weighing around 105 - 109kg right now, its not too bad but he is not actively trying to gain weight, well at least he can't if he doesn't want me to know, but he definitely never worries about what he eats. He has fairly severe sleep apnea that he's doing nothing about getting treated, he insists that loosing weight would not help, but until he sees a specialist there is no way to know. I really feel like a hypocrite if I get on him about how much he weighs because I am large myself, it was mostly bought on by a hormone imbalance and boredom eating, I lost a lot of weight while I was pregnant because I had gestational diabetes but could not stick to the carb diet I was on once the twins were born, also hubby went back to serving me large portions like I had before the kids even though I expressed a desire to try staying on the smaller ones, but I can't really blame him for that, I didn't have to eat the bigger portions, its just habit to eat everything on my plate. (yes, my husband does most of the cooking)
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-08-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: Just don't know what to do - His fetish.

Your husband has an problem/addiction in which is his unwilling or unable to stop. If he truly want to quit then he will do something about it.

Unfortunate, people quit when there are consequences and sometimes those are quite severe (healthy; legal; or a broken relationship).

In the meantime, you need to figure out what YOUR boundaries are for the relationship. It's about how you protect yourself. Read a book on Codependency as most that are involved with an addict are codependent.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 06-08-2016, 03:44 PM
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Re: Just don't know what to do - His fetish.

This is a real thing? Makes my thing for feet seem perfectly normal. But who am I to judge.

If he's indulging in his fetish with someone other than you, you have to put a stop to that. to you it's non-sexual, but to him it's hyper-sexual activity going on when him and his gay friend are doing what they do, so he's actively cheating on you I believe.

I say this with respect because I have my sexual kinks, but WTF is wrong with men? We are so ****ed up! Must be the testosterone overload in our youth.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:57 AM
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Re: Just don't know what to do - His fetish.

we have 3yo twins
What about their MENTAL HEALTH? Have either of you ever considered what any of this is or will be doing to your kids? IMO, the well-being of one's kids over-rides everything else including FETISHES! Somehow, everything in your story shrinks to nothing in relationship to what is BEST FOR YOUR KIDS! DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR OWN KIDS!!!!!

choose happiness
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