I screwed up - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:50 PM
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Re: I screwed up

If she doesn't want you to continually bring it up, just keep showing her that you can be trusted and continue to be very open and transparent with money, anything you need to take (prescription meds, if you are given something for depression, etc.) and if she does let it out at any time take it. That is, if she screams in an argument and brings it up, take it and own it. If she wants a fight she won't get it. She'll see you are doing exactly what you promised - staying off it and being completely honest with her.

Trust takes an instant to destroy and a very long time to earn it back. If you are in for the long haul, just remember that. Her renewed interest is a tentative forgiveness - a "lets see how things go" test. Respond, don't push it, keep on track. If she brings it up, tell her that your biggest regret is losing her respect and being dishonest. Just keep being honest when it comes up and doing the right thing.

IC will help you; NA may help you; NA for families might help you both, marriage counseling would certainly help both. But you can't make her want to go so just work on you. Lead by example. She'll either learn to forgive and move on or she'll realize you two DO need marriage counseling.

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I screwed up

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If she doesn't want you to continually bring it up, just keep showing her that you can be trusted and continue to be very open and transparent with money, anything you need to take (prescription meds, if you are given something for depression, etc.) and if she does let it out at any time take it. That is, if she screams in an argument and brings it up, take it and own it. If she wants a fight she won't get it. She'll see you are doing exactly what you promised - staying off it and being completely honest with her.

Trust takes an instant to destroy and a very long time to earn it back. If you are in for the long haul, just remember that. Her renewed interest is a tentative forgiveness - a "lets see how things go" test. Respond, don't push it, keep on track. If she brings it up, tell her that your biggest regret is losing her respect and being dishonest. Just keep being honest when it comes up and doing the right thing.

IC will help you; NA may help you; NA for families might help you both, marriage counseling would certainly help both. But you can't make her want to go so just work on you. Lead by example. She'll either learn to forgive and move on or she'll realize you two DO need marriage counseling.
Should I tell her that I reached out to the internet for advice? Im not sure how that would go over.. Either she will be very interested and want to know what advice was given, or I will get the canned response of stop bugging me, I dont care what you do.

Thank you for the response. Sounds like some very sound advice.
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 04:14 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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I tried to get in to see one right after the accident. I tried and tried and tried and could never get an appointment and just gave up. How do you go about finding one and making an appointment.

Right after the accident we spend a few weeks in the hospital, when we came home we had an outpouring of love from our community and church. We had money coming in from Insurance and she still had a check from her job. All of those faucets turned off at almost the same time. My wife lost her job because it didnt look like she was going back to work anytime soon, probably never again. We ran out of money. We cut and cut and it took a while for us to figure out how to live on half of our income. I felt like a failure because I was having to use a credit card, when I had always used a debit card. A co-worker suggested counseling. I was genuinely excited about talking to someone about it. Thats not something you want to unload on your wife while she is recovering.

Most of drinking buddies never showed up to check on me or my wife. I was just a social drinker, but in a small town there is not a whole lot to do. That also hurt pretty bad. I spent a lot of time with these people and they just turned their back on me.

After all that we got things right, got in church like we should be, started volunteering for everything we could given her limitations. All the while I was living in a deep dark closet that nobody knew about.
Know when your money troubles are about to engulf you..... when you put food on the credit card. Been there..... NOT fun. It always amazes me that when a M couple are so broke they don't have a pot to pizz in... they become closer.... aka us against the world. Happens extremely often.

Yeah... drinking buddies. Until one of mine proves they want to be a friend, they remain ONLY my drinking buddy. But it happens.... you help a drinking buddy move, build a fence, plant / harvest crops (I live in the country). But when you need to ask them for help... they disappear like a fart in the wind.

Did your W have long term disability? The accident.... who was at fault? Part of your Ws anger may very well stem from her not being able to work, losing her job, and losing her independence. That would depress / anger almost anyone.

Contact an IC in your area and ask them if they take XYZ insurance. Or call your insurance company and ask who is in their network.

You've been through a lot dude. Please try to see who is available in your area. Maybe if you go..... she will. But you can't force her to go. You go see an IC for YOU.

And remember.... a true friend will offer their help without you having to ask if they know you're in a bad spot.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 04:24 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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Only problem is I would know everybody there. I live in a really small town. I would really like to keep this under wraps if at all possible. Just typing this and having people reply has been therapeutic! Thank you to everyone who has responded!

I know that this might sound weird, but I dont think I was addicted to the pills as much as I was scared to go through the Withdrawals. I am telling you, its the worst physical and mental pain I have ever been through. Maybe I am weaker than most, but I wouldn't go through it again for a million dollars! It was awful!
Never underestimate the power of denial.
Ricky Fitts
American Beauty (1999)

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 04:31 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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Should I tell her that I reached out to the internet for advice? Im not sure how that would go over.. Either she will be very interested and want to know what advice was given, or I will get the canned response of stop bugging me, I dont care what you do.

Thank you for the response. Sounds like some very sound advice.
I wouldn't recommend telling her.... but that's just me.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 04:43 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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I think its more because I have never done anything like this before. I have never done anything but drink until this.

I do think she was upset that we were having to spend on pills that we shouldnt have had to spend. She takes her pills exactly like the Doctor says to.

She was a nurse before the accident so she knows what happens when you abuse these things.
Ah! Okay. So it is the financial infidelity that she is angry about. Anon was skimming off the top of the sugar jar!

Well, she feels like you betrayed her, at a time when she was physically down and vulnerable. All of us can understand her anger.

You need to show her your remorse and demonstrate to her your determination to stay clean. Get in NA meetings now... three times a week. Get the group facilitator to sign a log proving you have been attending the meetings.

That is a start. Then ask her if she will go to marriage counseling with you.

Unfortunately, once a woman loses respect for her husband, it is damned near impossible for him to get her respect back.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 04:44 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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Should I tell her that I reached out to the internet for advice? Im not sure how that would go over.. Either she will be very interested and want to know what advice was given, or I will get the canned response of stop bugging me, I dont care what you do.

Thank you for the response. Sounds like some very sound advice.
I don't think I would tell her. But then again, you're already in the doghouse for hiding things, may be a bad idea to keep anything from her.

If you can convince her to marital counseling, that would probably be the biggest benefit. Aside from that, just live right from here on out. You're lucky, I've seen family with addictions to perc / pher / hydos; it ruined them.

Good gods, reading this triggered some old and unwelcome memories.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 06:00 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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I would be more than willing to do the drug test thing. It would have to be anonymous because of my job. I dont know if that would help though. She is hurt because I lied. I definitely think it all boils down to trust.

I know that communication is the key...It always comes back to her not wanting to talk about it.

I try not to bring up until I just cant stand it anymore. Every time I bring it up she says that I have to stop bugging the hell out of her. I have only brought it up twice in the last 2 months.

I have been a yes man for the past two months. Everything she has wanted I have been more than willing to accommodate for. Trips, keeping other peoples kids all the time, spending money. I just dont know how much longer I can keep being a yes man if it isnt helping.
If she knows what you did, and is not asking questions or expressing concerns that you will do it again, I would not say that communication may NOT be key! I would drop it and not bring it up unless she asks, and if she does ask, talk openly and honestly with her. Other than that, just give it time.

But I would also stop being a yes man. You can't live the rest of your life as if she has the upper hand in the marriage and you're indebted to her because you screwed up. You will be miserable, and frankly, probably LESS attractive to her if you're always groveling and sacrificing for her.

There is no way to "make up" for what you did. You can only move forward with no more lies, being the best husband you can, but as her equal not her lesser.

She is buying the house with you. I would give it time and stop apologizing and brining it up and acting whipped because of what you did. You are a man. You made a huge mistake. You lied to her and jepoardized everything. However - you didn't lose your job, end up in jail, destroy your health, spend the savings on drugs, etc. (did you? I hope not.) You stopped the problem on your own.

Getting counseling for yourself is not a bad idea. But if she doesn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't. Unless she has an attitude that she is going to use this mistake against you. If so then I would tell her to let you know what you need to do to make this right with her, and if there is nothing you can do, then you do need to start thinking about divorce because it is no longer a marriage if she is staying with you but bitter the rest of her life.
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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 08:11 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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After going through Hell AKA Withdrawals, I can assure you that I will NEVER take them again.
I've said that before and tried to stop on my own. That lasted me about three months. Get some help!!
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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I still have my job, never purchased any off the street. Wouldn't even know where to go get them. Never went to jail. To my knowledge nobody could even tell I was taking them. That is the scary part. You can take it without anybody around you knowing.

I am going to seek help. Maybe I am in denial. This is my run in with this poison.

Should I talk to my regular Doctor about it or go straight to Therapy?

The weird thing is I have been prescribed hydrocodone before and never felt like I couldn't live without it. It was always prescribed though. This oxycodone is a different beast!! I didn't know there was a difference until all this happened.
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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 09:42 PM
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Re: I screwed up

If hydro is a bear, oxy is the three headed dragon. I've heard people pay up to $100 for the high end oxy. A college football player near here, upcoming junior year... All-SEC caliber player was arrested for holding up a convenient store. Got $31 and a trip to jail. His football career is over, scholarship pulled. He needed $ for oxy.

Go to your Dr. first..... usually insurance companies want a referral from your PCP. Maybe your Dr. knows a good IC in the area. Best of luck and do keep us posted!

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 09:46 PM Thread Starter
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We should know soon if she is going to be permenantly disabled. I don't think she will ever work again. She loves to work. She is much harder worker than I am, but I have always made the real money. I'm sure there is some depression on her part but she would never admit it.

So far tonight has went fairly well. Earlier today he yes man stepped out of the building and I had to put my foot down on some issues. She was pissed to say the least but I think she is actually happier because of it. Women are weird. It's hard for me to do this from my phone but I will try to quote some of your replies tomorrow. And be a little specific.

THANK YOU ALL!!! It is awesome to get all of this off my chest.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I screwed up

I'm calling it a night. Will
Let you know how the hunt for IC goes. Hopefully I will gee some good news tomorrow.
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-02-2016, 07:39 PM
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Re: I screwed up

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I still have my job, never purchased any off the street. Wouldn't even know where to go get them. Never went to jail. To my knowledge nobody could even tell I was taking them. That is the scary part. You can take it without anybody around you knowing.

I am going to seek help. Maybe I am in denial. This is my run in with this poison.

Should I talk to my regular Doctor about it or go straight to Therapy?

The weird thing is I have been prescribed hydrocodone before and never felt like I couldn't live without it. It was always prescribed though. This oxycodone is a different beast!! I didn't know there was a difference until all this happened.
You need to add the word "Yet" to the end of the first 4 sentences in the first paragraph. You haven't gone to jail yet. You haven't lost a job yet. Addiction is a progressive disease and if you continue to use, those are the things you have to look forward too. The fact is you STOLE from the woman you planned to love honor and cherish for the rest of your life when she was at her weakest physical, mental, and emotional state!! I'm not trying to bash you, I'm trying to wake you up to the fact that you qualify as an addict. And don't give me that B.S. you don't know where to find them!! A quick internet search and a fake illness with a gullible Dr. and you'll be off to the races. I know I'm being harsh, because I was just like you 3 and 1/2 years ago, and you can't Bull^&%$ a BULL#$%^^er!! We know our own kind a mile a way. You need to get yourself to ans NA meeting. It's a BULL$%^& free zone filled with people that love you enough to tell you the truth.
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-08-2016, 03:20 PM
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Re: I screwed up

You were dependent upon the pills. It doesn't appear you have an addiction (drug seeking/craving etc) issue but really and counselor can help determine if there are other issues.

It boils down to trust. Just Google "counselors" or "psychotherapists" and find one in your area. If you have insurance, call them up and ask for a few numbers of a licensed counselor in your area that's on your insurance.


Well wishes...
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