I screwed up - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

User Tag List

 9Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Unhappy I screwed up

My wife was in a bad car accident a few years ago. As a result there were perc's and morphine that I was helping administer while she was on the mend. I decided to try one. Bad IDEA.

Two years had passed and I was still helping her take them without her knowledge. The guilt of the whole thing was eating me alive but I couldn't stop taking them, because of the Withdrawals, and I didnt know how to tell her. I suggested she get a safe/lockbox to put them in and all of our important documents. She has suspicions someone was taking them. I lied every time she asked me. She knew the whole time it was me but was giving me a chance to get it under control.

She finally locked them and I spent 4-5 weeks in misery and my wife hated me. She doesn't want to talk about. She feels so betrayed and I dont blame her.

I love her more than anything in this world. I feel truly helpless in this situation. I dont know what to do. In the last couple of week she has started telling me that she loves me again and a kiss here and there but nothing like it was before. I asked her about it today and she said that she just cant get over it. I dont know what is going to happen, or if there is anything I can do. I feel like doing nothing is the worst possible option but she rejects every advance I've made to fix it.

I havent taken a pill in two months and honestly the last one I took, didnt do anything for me. I dont have a desire to try and find them. I dont have the personality to seek them out illegally. I am 100% sure this will never happen again.

Any advice on how to fix my marriage would be greatly appreciated. Im new here so please be patient.
anon915 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 01:45 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 3
Re: I screwed up

Sounds like you are in between a rock and a hard place. But if she cannot forgive you and move on now that you are not doing that then that is a major Red Flag. You have to have communication between one another and her just half *** doing that is not good. Maybe try some counseling.
jsr2994 is offline  
post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 02:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1,388
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon915 View Post
. I feel like doing nothing is the worst possible option but she rejects every advance I've made to fix it.
Uggh, it seems that pain pills are the scourge of America right now.

Have you asked your wife what you can do to help her feel confident that you won't go off the rails again? Just because you are not desiring to do this again does not mean she feels safe, nor should it. You lied convincingly for a long time and it will take a long time to restore trust.

How did you do this behind her back? Is there anything related to that which you can be more transparent with her about? Any way you can take monthly/quarterly drug tests? (No idea what that costs but I think it can be done.) Even if you don't feel tempted, would your wife feel more comfortable if you went to NA meetings or got counseling? Total financial transparency. The drugs stay locked up with no complaints or "don't you trust me" whining from you.

The number one thing I would NOT do is tell/beg her to "trust" you. That is not fair to her. Her life is tied to you and she needs to feel safe and secure that this cannot not happen again. She has zero control if she's told to just "trust" you because you claim you don't desire them at the moment.
WorkingWife is offline  
post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Re: I screwed up

I did it by taking one when she needed one, then it resorted to taking two or three at a time to get me through the next day. Looking back it was so bad and I admit that.

It was my idea to lock them up. 2 months ago I couldnt stop taking them by myself. I needed to totally take away access, to stop taking them.

I would be more than willing to do the drug test thing. It would have to be anonymous because of my job. I dont know if that would help though. She is hurt because I lied. I definitely think it all boils down to trust.

Pain pills are the worst because its a two edged sword. The high is good at first, then you have to take more to get the high, then when you get to a point where you feel like you are taking too many you cant stop taking them without going through the worst hell known to man AKA withdrawals.

I know that communication is the key, but I cant make her talk to me. I am not a bad guy, just went through a dark period. We have two kids together and close on a new house Friday. She said she was going to see someone after we move because she cant move past it on her own. I have my doubts that will happen. I offered up marriage counseling as soon as I sensed there was a problem. She said she doesn't want to talk about it. It always comes back to her not wanting to talk about it.

I try not to bring up until I just cant stand it anymore. Every time I bring it up she says that I have to stop bugging the hell out of her. I have only brought it up twice in the last 2 months.

I have been a yes man for the past two months. Everything she has wanted I have been more than willing to accommodate for. Trips, keeping other peoples kids all the time, spending money. I just dont know how much longer I can keep being a yes man if it isnt helping.
anon915 is offline  
post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 02:23 PM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,713
Re: I screwed up

Admitting to it was a big step. You are not taking them any more right? Are you taking anything else to "take the place of the pills you were taking?"

Having one's trust betrayed is huge. All you can do is stop taking them (which you said you did) and be open and honest about everything. Do not bring it up to her..... but if she wants to ask you something about it.... give her a direct answer.

I'm sure the first few sent you for a loop. They usually do.... then the buzz gets less and less even though you keep taking the same amount or even more. The first buzz is what you were chasing.... "chasing the dragon" is a term commonly used. You will never have that first buzz ever again.

It's mainly up to her to forgive you and regain her trust in you. Give it a bit of time.... if you have a great, or even just good M.... it shall pass. If she still holds it over your head for a long time and you kept up your end of the bargain.... yes that is a red flag.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is offline  
post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Admitting to it was a big step. You are not taking them any more right? Are you taking anything else to "take the place of the pills you were taking?"

Having one's trust betrayed is huge. All you can do is stop taking them (which you said you did) and be open and honest about everything. Do not bring it up to her..... but if she wants to ask you something about it.... give her a direct answer.

I'm sure the first few sent you for a loop. They usually do.... then the buzz gets less and less even though you keep taking the same amount or even more. The first buzz is what you were chasing.... "chasing the dragon" is a term commonly used. You will never have that first buzz ever again.

It's mainly up to her to forgive you and regain her trust in you. Give it a bit of time.... if you have a great, or even just good M.... it shall pass. If she still holds it over your head for a long time and you kept up your end of the bargain.... yes that is a red flag.
After going through Hell AKA Withdrawals, I can assure you that I will NEVER take them again.

Nothing has taken its place. I quit drinking when I started taking them because I didnt want to mix the two. I have started drinking again socially and it feels great to be able to hang out with people. I have been in such a state of depression that I didnt want to get out of bed. Some days I wouldnt. Even while taking them, I felt so guilty about taking them that I couldnt function on a social level.

I feel better right now than I have since I took the first one two years ago. Its like things are different color. The only negative in my life is my relationship with my wife. I am hoping that time will fix this. I feel like I have to fix it and their might not be a fix. NOBODY know anything about this except her and I.
anon915 is offline  
post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 02:52 PM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,713
Re: I screwed up

You may want to see an IC about this. Not for her but for you. Dude.... I completely get what you're saying. I was bad about taking hydros back in college. They didn't make me sleepy, they wired me out. I could bang out 20 page term paper in one night. I would formulate it in my noggin' and take the pills.... crank it out.

I would take anywhere from 5-9 at one time. Yeah.... Chuck how's your liver. This is going to sound weird but what made me stop them.... I would only take the 5-9 one time. Not touch them again for a few months. My usage would correspond with term paper dates in other words. I had three papers due. I waited until two weeks before to start the first. Took the pills... cranked one out.

I decided to take 5-9 the next night, that way... just one left! The night I took them two nights back to back.... the most horrible, schitty feeling I ever had. I never took them less than a few months apart again.

I eventually stopped doing them. But... drinking after taking a heroin pill.... dangerous with a capital D. My pop took every drug / pill known to humanity in the 1960s to 80s. He always warned me... don't fool with anything but booze and pot. They are easier to control. He was right. He had several cronies who died from the "speedball" c0cktail.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is offline  
post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:16 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
You may want to see an IC about this. Not for her but for you. Dude.... I completely get what you're saying. I was bad about taking hydros back in college. They didn't make me sleepy, they wired me out. I could bang out 20 page term paper in one night. I would formulate it in my noggin' and take the pills.... crank it out.

I would take anywhere from 5-9 at one time. Yeah.... Chuck how's your liver. This is going to sound weird but what made me stop them.... I would only take the 5-9 one time. Not touch them again for a few months. My usage would correspond with term paper dates in other words. I had three papers due. I waited until two weeks before to start the first. Took the pills... cranked one out.

I decided to take 5-9 the next night, that way... just one left! The night I took them two nights back to back.... the most horrible, schitty feeling I ever had. I never took them less than a few months apart again.

I eventually stopped doing them. But... drinking after taking a heroin pill.... dangerous with a capital D. My pop took every drug / pill known to humanity in the 1960s to 80s. He always warned me... don't fool with anything but booze and pot. They are easier to control. He was right. He had several cronies who died from the "speedball" c0cktail.
Dumb question. What does IC stand for? What can I benefit from it? I am open to doing and everything to fix my marriage.
anon915 is offline  
post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:21 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,429
Re: I screwed up

It seems odd to me that she would be making such a big deal out of this, especially if you have gone cold turkey and are not using anymore. Did you abuse her or do something bad to her when you were going through withdrawl?

I get that she is hurt you hid you addiction from her, but if she were on pain pills that long then it is highly likely she is addicted too. Have you considered that? Maybe she's pissed because you were stealing her stash.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:26 PM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,713
Re: I screwed up

Individual counseling. You mentioned depression recently. You mentioned you don't know why in the he!! you started taking those pills. A good IC will help you find out why and how to not fall back in that situation again.

An old pastor told me a long time ago that anyone who drinks should be considered an alcoholic. Yes he was one since he drank decades before. What he meant is it is so easy to lapse back into old habits. Ran into him years later at the lake, fishing with friends. Saw I was drinking a beer. He didn't say a word about it or seem to act differently than he would if he met me at a restaurant.

"A person who never drinks has the best chance of not being an alcoholic." True words..... Not damning you for drinking just using that as an example.

If you do seek IC make sure you get one who challenges you.... sometimes you get an IC who regurgitates back to you what you said. We here at TAM refer to them as "co-pay collectors"

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is offline  
post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
It seems odd to me that she would be making such a big deal out of this, especially if you have gone cold turkey and are not using anymore. Did you abuse her or do something bad to her when you were going through withdrawl?

I get that she is hurt you hid you addiction from her, but if she were on pain pills that long then it is highly likely she is addicted too. Have you considered that? Maybe she's pissed because you were stealing her stash.
I think its more because I have never done anything like this before. I have never done anything but drink until this.

I do think she was upset that we were having to spend on pills that we shouldnt have had to spend. She takes her pills exactly like the Doctor says to.

She was a nurse before the accident so she knows what happens when you abuse these things.
anon915 is offline  
post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:35 PM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,713
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon915 View Post
I think its more because I have never done anything like this before. I have never done anything but drink until this.

I do think she was upset that we were having to spend on pills that we shouldnt have had to spend. She takes her pills exactly like the Doctor says to.

She was a nurse before the accident so she knows what happens when you abuse these things.
You'd be amazed at the number of threads on here that detailed nurses (both male and female), pharmacists (M/F), doctors (M/F) who danced with the magic pills.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is offline  
post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 305
Re: I screwed up

I think she is dealing with the fact that you've lied to her so successfully. You've apologize and let it be that. I think you should consider going to NA meetings. NA stands for narcotic anonymous where you can find similar people who can support you to remain clean. It's hard to admit that you can be an addict and maybe she'll forgive you when she sees you are seeking help. Good luck.

[B]FEAR=False Expectation About Reality -I will not live out of fear and any challenges I may face in my life is just an opportunity to learn about the person I'm choosing to become.
maritalloneliness is offline  
post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Individual counseling. You mentioned depression recently. You mentioned you don't know why in the he!! you started taking those pills. A good IC will help you find out why and how to not fall back in that situation again.

An old pastor told me a long time ago that anyone who drinks should be considered an alcoholic. Yes he was one since he drank decades before. What he meant is it is so easy to lapse back into old habits. Ran into him years later at the lake, fishing with friends. Saw I was drinking a beer. He didn't say a word about it or seem to act differently than he would if he met me at a restaurant.

"A person who never drinks has the best chance of not being an alcoholic." True words..... Not damning you for drinking just using that as an example.

If you do seek IC make sure you get one who challenges you.... sometimes you get an IC who regurgitates back to you what you said. We here at TAM refer to them as "co-pay collectors"
I tried to get in to see one right after the accident. I tried and tried and tried and could never get an appointment and just gave up. How do you go about finding one and making an appointment.

Right after the accident we spend a few weeks in the hospital, when we came home we had an outpouring of love from our community and church. We had money coming in from Insurance and she still had a check from her job. All of those faucets turned off at almost the same time. My wife lost her job because it didnt look like she was going back to work anytime soon, probably never again. We ran out of money. We cut and cut and it took a while for us to figure out how to live on half of our income. I felt like a failure because I was having to use a credit card, when I had always used a debit card. A co-worker suggested counseling. I was genuinely excited about talking to someone about it. Thats not something you want to unload on your wife while she is recovering.

Most of drinking buddies never showed up to check on me or my wife. I was just a social drinker, but in a small town there is not a whole lot to do. That also hurt pretty bad. I spent a lot of time with these people and they just turned their back on me.

After all that we got things right, got in church like we should be, started volunteering for everything we could given her limitations. All the while I was living in a deep dark closet that nobody knew about.
anon915 is offline  
post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
anon915's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 11
Re: I screwed up

Quote:
Originally Posted by maritalloneliness View Post
I think she is dealing with the fact that you've lied to her so successfully. You've apologize and let it be that. I think you should consider going to NA meetings. NA stands for narcotic anonymous where you can find similar people who can support you to remain clean. It's hard to admit that you can be an addict and maybe she'll forgive you when she sees you are seeking help. Good luck.
Only problem is I would know everybody there. I live in a really small town. I would really like to keep this under wraps if at all possible. Just typing this and having people reply has been therapeutic! Thank you to everyone who has responded!

I know that this might sound weird, but I dont think I was addicted to the pills as much as I was scared to go through the Withdrawals. I am telling you, its the worst physical and mental pain I have ever been through. Maybe I am weaker than most, but I wouldn't go through it again for a million dollars! It was awful!
anon915 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Im Screwed! -cant get divorced SignOfLife Considering Divorce or Separation 17 04-28-2016 11:54 AM
Married but separated, now there's another woman. Feeling broken... lanajade33 General Relationship Discussion 233 01-18-2016 10:09 PM
If Your Wife's Friends Don't Like You, You're Screwed. gene_vincent General Relationship Discussion 41 01-14-2016 02:57 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome