Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 03:34 AM Thread Starter
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Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

Hello, so this is my first post on this site. I guess I'm looking for an outsider's perspective. I've been married for nearly 4 years, I met my husband on a video game when I was 12, he was 13. We kept in contact and met each other in person when I was 18 him 19. We got married when he was 20 and I was 21.

The man I knew before we got married was amazing, he was perfect, he was everything I wanted in a man and more. I couldn't have picked a better person to spend my life with than him, a year or so after marriage things have changed and not for the better.

Considering how we met, I can understand him wanting to continue playing video games, I do myself occasionally, but not at all like he does.

Our every day routine consists of this: he comes home from work, doesn't even change, sits down at his computer in his uniform and plays until bed time. EVERY DAY. I have spoken with him several times about this and how we can't live our lives inside the house playing video games, things will change for a week and then back to the routine it goes. I literally have to dress and drag him out of the house for dates, for dinner outings, or anything... I'm honestly getting tired of it. He says that he feels like I am more of a parent to him than his spouse and I hate to admit it, but I feel that way too. I don't want to parent him, I don't want to have to drag him out of the house, I want him to want to go out with me on his own. When he's playing he has his headset on and is usually playing with some friends. He's completely unavailable when I need him and doesn't want to help with chores around the house. He's said before that since he works and I don't (I'll be starting school in August and I am a USAF veteran) that everything in the house should be my responsibility. I make sure all the bills are paid, I take care of our dogs (we have 2), I try my hardest to keep the house clean, though I admit I suck at getting the laundry folded and it will sit on the couch a few days, but he literally does nothing.

When he was a teen he was all into skateboarding (still played video games) but also got into drugs, alcohol and smoking... Which, I had never done until I met him. (Not the drugs of course...) I had a very sheltered kind of childhood, he didn't.

I asked him the last time we spoke what his life goals were, he has none; doesn't want to go to school, travel, NOTHING. I asked what makes him happy, he said ecstasy, alcohol, smoking and video games... This scares me. When we married he had life goals, he had things he wanted to accomplish, things he wanted to do before he got too old to do them, now it's nothing.

I have several life goals, I want to do everything I can with my time on this planet. My husband is a Christian, I am agnostic; that causes a bit of trouble between our families occasionally, but between us it doesn't matter. We don't have children and have purposely held off on kids until we feel we're ready... Lately I feel like I've been trying to raise him.

With his video games comes internet girlfriends... Girls who he makes friends with and eventually ends up chatting with on the side, receiving pictures from them, chatting with them alone on skype and things that I feel a married man shouldn't be doing. He's had several who I've had to step in (after seeing the bikini pics) and tell them that he's married and get him to block them or delete them from his contacts. Considering we met on a video game and ended up married, you'd think he'd understand why I don't want him doing these kinds of things.

Moving on....
Indifference.... He can't make decisions on anything... When I can drag him out of the house, where he wants to go eat (never cares), what he orders from the restaurant (it takes him 20 mins to decide)... He doesn't care if I go off to some male strip club alone (which I don't because it's not for me), if we get into a fight and I go for a drive late at night, I'll come home in the wee hours of the morning and he's sound asleep, not a worry or care in the world.

In our first year of marriage, we gave eachother gifts on our birthday's, we celebrated Valentine's Day together, we went on dates, we did things together and made memories. Now that that year has gone, he doesn't get me gifts for my birthday, we don't do anything for Valentine's Day. I still get him gifts, a card, a box packed with his favorite candy and I get nothing in return...

I'm so distraught and I feel so alone and so depressed because I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. What have I done to make him this way? Why did it take dating and a year of marriage for his full fledged noncaring personality to come out?


TL;DR: Husband plays games every day, doesn't help with chores, acts like I'm not here, has no life goals and I feel like he doesn't care or love me anymore. What did I do wrong?
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:05 AM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

You married a little boy, not a man.

If it doesn't get better, are you willing to walk?

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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

I honestly don't know if I'm willing to walk. I don't even like to say the word divorce, but honestly I can't stop imagining a life without him lately. I really want to work things out, but I just feel so unappreciated and so unloved. It's tearing my self esteem down and possibly even getting me a little depressed.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:34 AM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

I'm sorry you're in this place in your marriage right now.
It's very difficult to leave, and I understand what you're going through.
But he may never change or mature.
Your life goals are different & this may make you guys even more incompatible in the future.

He has addications to gaming, and may become addicted to other things in the future.

And above all he seems to be inconsiderate of your feelings.
I know you love him, but you do deserve better than this.

Honestly if it was me I would chuck all the games and console in the trash! But I wouldn't recommend you do that as he may go into a rage.

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:44 AM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by sissylo View Post
I honestly don't know if I'm willing to walk. I don't even like to say the word divorce, but honestly I can't stop imagining a life without him lately. I really want to work things out, but I just feel so unappreciated and so unloved. It's tearing my self esteem down and possibly even getting me a little depressed.
You need to think carefully about this. If it's not significant enough to end your marriage, then work to accept it.

For the record, I don't think you should accept it. I think you should put him on notice, and tell him that the marriage improves or it ends. Give him four to six months to show that you are his priority. If he can't do it, it's time to end your union.

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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:50 AM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

Far is right, if you're not willing to walk you have no leverage and will need to accept it.

Eventually you'll meet a guy who does pay attention to you and you'll go for it. I mean, who wouldn't with what you're dealing with?

Any chance he has to grow up will come with you walking, so why not give that a try before you meet someone else?
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Last edited by lifeistooshort; 06-22-2016 at 10:35 AM.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post

He has addictions to gaming, and may become addicted to other things in the future.

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Absolutely! If he has this addiction right now, there is possibility that he could recover from it and never game ever again. Then he could possibly transfer the addiction to something else so it's a never ending battle.

I'm concerned that this marriage was so wonderful the first year then it seemed to really roll down hill very fast. He had goals and they all of a sudden disappeared. You need to work on getting yourself financially independent, & work on getting a support system, in case you have to leave.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

Thank you for all of your responses. I'm really glad I found this site. I have been avoiding talking to anyone in person about it because they usually know myself or my husband and I get a biased opinion on the matter...
My husband has been playing games since he was 4, it's his hobby, his passion; but when he puts me off to the side and is unable to separate time for me and time for his games is when I get upset. I spoke about it to his mother when things got really rocky after that first year, she said I knew what I was getting into. I just don't understand how it went from an hour a day, to several hours a day every single day. He didn't even do that before he met me, he was into skateboarding and was out of the house more often than in.

I love him with all my heart and I want to work with him so we can have that fun and loving relationship we had when we first got married. When things first got really bad about two years ago, I was active duty and I told him to choose gaming or me. I left for a few days and stayed at my coworker's house just to see if he would realize that I was serious about it. The entire time I was gone he was texting and calling asking how I was and begging me to come back home. 4 days later I went back home to walk in the door and find him sitting on the couch playing on his laptop. It's hard because I myself enjoy playing video games with him, I just don't want to spend my entire life in front of a monitor. We used to have similar life goals, wanted to travel, wanted to go to school, wanted children. Now he doesn't want any of these things. He just wants his games. He tells me it's his escape from reality, my problem is (maybe this comes from a religious aspect) I want to make the most of what time I have on this planet. I don't think there is anything after death, so what little time I do have, I do not want to waste. His perspective is different, he thinks he will spend eternity doing what he loves in heaven, so his time on earth to him isn't as precious as my time is to me. I've never been a person to want to separate from my husband, I've always told myself that if I absolutely can't stand it anymore and I am on the verge of losing my mind, then I will leave. My problem is, I don't have the guts to just do it. Not when I have no one here.

Another problem... He's active duty and we live across the US from where my family lives. If I were to leave, I would literally have not a single person here to go to. I of course am a vet, so I have the GI Bill, once I start school I'll be getting a basic housing allowance that would potentially help me be able to leave if I needed to. I would just be all on my own and that frightens me.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

Don't let fear of being alone dictate your decisions. It is easier to be single than to live with an a******.

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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 05:50 PM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

You guys aren't compatible.

It happens.

He probably does want you there, you're convenient sex snd housekeeping, but he's not hb material.

The marriage works for him and you allow him to have it on his terms. Without you who's going to take care of him like his mommy and scratch his sexual itch when he gets one?

You'll come to terms with this eventually, I just hope you haven't wasted too much of your life by then.

And for the love of God do not bring kids into this.

Or you could tell him that if he doesn't want to spend time with you then you want an open marriage. He's probably talking to women online anyway, and eventually that'll progress to meeting up.

You are teaching him how to treat you.
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:25 AM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

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Originally Posted by sissylo View Post
...a year or so after marriage things have changed and not for the better. This happens when couples do not KNOW HOW to keep their love alive and well so they begin slacking off and letting their love and respect slowly or quickly DIE!

Considering how we met, I can understand him wanting to continue playing video games, I do myself occasionally, but not at all like he does. If you BOTH had good relationship skills (google it) you could deal with this and arrive at a mutually satisfactory solution!

Our every day routine consists of this: he comes home from work, doesn't even change, sits down at his computer in his uniform and plays until bed time. EVERY DAY. I have spoken with him several times about this and how we can't live our lives inside the house playing video games, things will change for a week and then back to the routine it goes. ... All because you do not KNOW HOW to set boundaries and then ENFORCE THEM!
I literally have to dress and drag him out of the house for dates, for dinner outings, or anything... I'm honestly getting tired of it. He says that he feels like I am more of a parent to him than his spouse and I hate to admit it, but I feel that way too. When you do not have adequate relationship skills, this is what happens to couples. I don't want to parent him, I don't want to have to drag him out of the house, I want him to want to go out with me on his own. ... And that takes a certain level of communication skills which you can easily LEARN. When he's playing he has his headset on and is usually playing with some friends. He's completely unavailable when I need him and doesn't want to help with chores around the house. When you have LEARNED a few useful relationship skills, you will be able to get what you want from him. He's said before that since he works and I don't (I'll be starting school in August and I am a USAF veteran) that everything in the house should be my responsibility. I make sure all the bills are paid, I take care of our dogs (we have 2), I try my hardest to keep the house clean, though I admit I suck at getting the laundry folded and it will sit on the couch a few days, but he literally does nothing. Again, by learning some basic relationship skills (google it), you will be able to get what BOTH OF YOU want in your union.

When he was a teen he was all into skateboarding (still played video games) but also got into drugs, alcohol and smoking... Which, I had never done until I met him. (Not the drugs of course...) I had a very sheltered kind of childhood, he didn't. All of that can be remedied by studying and APPLYING a few powerful relationship techniques but you BOTH need to learn and USE them.

... Lately I feel like I've been trying to raise him. Relationship skills will teach you how to be with someone and not be their parent or caregiver (unless they are utterly helpless).

With his video games comes internet girlfriends... Girls who he makes friends with and eventually ends up chatting with on the side, receiving pictures from them, chatting with them alone on skype and things that I feel a married man shouldn't be doing. He's had several who I've had to step in (after seeing the bikini pics) and tell them that he's married and get him to block them or delete them from his contacts. Considering we met on a video game and ended up married, you'd think he'd understand why I don't want him doing these kinds of things. Your problem here is that you are insecure and jealous but healthy relationship skills will show you how to deal with both your own insecurities and the bad behaviors of your mate.

Moving on....
Indifference.... He can't make decisions on anything... When I can drag him out of the house, where he wants to go eat (never cares), what he orders from the restaurant (it takes him 20 mins to decide)... He doesn't care if I go off to some male strip club alone (which I don't because it's not for me), if we get into a fight and I go for a drive late at night, I'll come home in the wee hours of the morning and he's sound asleep, not a worry or care in the world. You both very definitely need to look up and study some relationship techniques and skills to overcome the unfriendly animosity that is ruining your current union.

In our first year of marriage, we gave eachother gifts on our birthday's, we celebrated Valentine's Day together, we went on dates, we did things together and made memories. Now that that year has gone, he doesn't get me gifts for my birthday, we don't do anything for Valentine's Day. I still get him gifts, a card, a box packed with his favorite candy and I get nothing in return... I'm so distraught and I feel so alone and so depressed because I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. What have I done to make him this way? Why did it take dating and a year of marriage for his full fledged noncaring personality to come out?This is just more of the same issue regarding KNOWING HOW to keep the love, respect and commitments alive so find some relationship books and LEARN HOW to stay in love.




TL;DR: Husband plays games every day, doesn't help with chores, acts like I'm not here, has no life goals and I feel like he doesn't care or love me anymore. What did I do wrong? Both of you have made the very same MISTAKES by not KNOWING HOW to keep the love and respect that you started with so it has gradually DIED due to a serious lack of knowledge and understanding. Perhaps you will take the time to look up and study good relationship skills which are a little more than I can go into here regarding each of your complaints. IMO, your basic problem is that neither of you are good or best friends, if you ever were and, on top of that, neither of you has EFFECTIVE communication skills to get what you want and motivate each other to HELP get what you want. Good luck.

choose happiness
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Gaming and constant indifference, not sure what to do.

This is getting ridiculous with the zombie thread bumping by @jimrich.

Last edited by browser; 12-14-2016 at 02:46 PM.
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