Wife's Serious Weight Problem - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #46 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 12:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Dear Bibi,

Beverly has been overeating for the last 15 years, but the problem has gotten much worse as of late. Well-intentioned people have been telling her to seek professional help for some time now. And, yes, she was normal sized woman until her binging began, a VERY attractive lady, not only in my eyes, but everyone else's as well.
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post #47 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 12:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Bibi,

I am concerned AND grossed out. We have no children and live alone. If I sound weird, it's because I am venting, which, frankly, I've never done before. Sorry.
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post #48 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 12:38 AM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

15 years is a long time, no wonder her weight is out of control. She really needs medical attention. You need to put your foot down and set up that doctor's appointment to get the ball rolling in the direction of helping her out; if she doesn't listen, you will have to tell her that you can't deal with this anymore because you know it is detrimental to her health and your marriage.

You are not getting your needs met because she has been too busy overeating to pay any attention to anything else. This has taken a toll on your feelings towards her. She needs to get her self control back with professional help. You will be there by her side, but you will not enable her over eating anymore.

I wish you luck with that. If you can't do this alone, please seek help from friends and family. Everyone needs to help her to seek help!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #49 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 01:36 AM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

This sounds just like an alcoholic. 15 years ago she was a lot younger and her body better able to take the abuse. Time is going to catch her up very soon.

She needs to see someone of authority -- a doctor -- who will tell her if she doesn't do something soon she is going to die. Diabetes is going to come knocking very soon if it hasn't already. Get her checked out for anything more serious as I already posted.

YOU need to stop enabling her. Draw your line in the sand down and refuse to tolerate her addiction. So what she whinges? Would you rather she die? What is the worst thing that happens, she divorces you?

My H and I gained some weight from a really stressful period of our careers over a period of a couple of years. 12-14 hour work days, lots of dinners, booze, travel, not enough exercise... it's remarkably easy to put on 10 lbs a year. Finally, after 30 lbs I put my foot down. Vanity and fear for our health kicked in. I reminded us about WHY we work so hard -- a beautiful retirement -- that we wouldn't enjoy if we destroyed our health to build our wealth.

I insisted on a trainer, I threw out the junk food (multiple times), kept healthy snacks immediately available in the fridge, insisted we drink sparkling water at events. One glass of red wine at dinner on a weekend if we were out or entertaining. I pushed my H to exercise harder than he was, b/c I knew he could do more. We are in a much healthier place today, but it was a LOT of work. We did it together.

Doctors can help to inform her about the seriousness of her behaviour but they can't make her change. Consider taking a couple weeks to go visit a "health retreat" that will restrict her diet and be more active with medical supervision.

Good luck.
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post #50 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 07:15 AM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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This sounds just like an alcoholic. 15 years ago she was a lot younger and her body better able to take the abuse. Time is going to catch her up very soon.

She needs to see someone of authority -- a doctor -- who will tell her if she doesn't do something soon she is going to die. Diabetes is going to come knocking very soon if it hasn't already. Get her checked out for anything more serious as I already posted.

YOU need to stop enabling her. Draw your line in the sand down and refuse to tolerate her addiction. So what she whinges? Would you rather she die? What is the worst thing that happens, she divorces you?

My H and I gained some weight from a really stressful period of our careers over a period of a couple of years. 12-14 hour work days, lots of dinners, booze, travel, not enough exercise... it's remarkably easy to put on 10 lbs a year. Finally, after 30 lbs I put my foot down. Vanity and fear for our health kicked in. I reminded us about WHY we work so hard -- a beautiful retirement -- that we wouldn't enjoy if we destroyed our health to build our wealth.

I insisted on a trainer, I threw out the junk food (multiple times), kept healthy snacks immediately available in the fridge, insisted we drink sparkling water at events. One glass of red wine at dinner on a weekend if we were out or entertaining. I pushed my H to exercise harder than he was, b/c I knew he could do more. We are in a much healthier place today, but it was a LOT of work. We did it together.

Doctors can help to inform her about the seriousness of her behaviour but they can't make her change. Consider taking a couple weeks to go visit a "health retreat" that will restrict her diet and be more active with medical supervision.

Good luck.
Yes, that's why I was asking if he stopped to get her food. Because he's enabling it and that has to stop. I don't know anything about food addiction but I know about alcohol addiction. Let her feel the consequences of her actions. It'll be hard but you have to let her hit rock bottom. Stop the focusing on her and regain your own identity. Have you suggested therapy for her and if so, what was her reaction? Sorry, but honestly, I have thought that this story isn't real.
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post #51 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 06:42 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

I've posted before (on my other account which I've locked myself out of) about my eating disorder history. Long story short, I've had an eating disorder of some kind (usually anorexia nervosa-restricting type, but punctuated by brief periods of exercise bulimia, orthorexia, anorexia atypical, and, yes, sometimes binge eating disorder) for 14+ years. What you describe is absolutely an eating disorder and your poor wife needs specialized help.

Can she go to an eating disorder clinic for an assessment? These clinics have programs like intensive outpatient care that may really help her get free of this disease - because it is a very serious psychiatric illness.

This transcends compulsive overeating or lack of willpower or whatever. She is very sick and she needs help. See if her MD or a therapist can help you get her to an eating disorder clinic.

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post #52 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

2 of the diets that I mentioned in my original post were doctor supervised- both ended in failure. The 2nd time she was dismissed from a local hospital for violating its policy on bringing in food. Long story short, she and another male patient were found glutting in a car. The security guard thought that they were having sex, because both of them had pulled down their pants and Beverly wasn't even wearing a bra. That was the closest I ever came to leaving her, which the man's wife did- on the spot. (Before she left she said to me, 'I can assure you that there was no sex; that pig hasn't been able to get it up in years.') Beverly then begged me right in front of the doctor and his nurse to 'give her another chance,' promising to diet on her own. But that attempt at regaining control of her appetite obviously also ended in another abject failure. Thank you for your concern and thoughtful response.

Last edited by jerrymartin947; 06-25-2016 at 07:50 PM.
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post #53 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 07:25 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Jerry - in all seriousness, I'm going to post a response I typically wouldn't on a site like this. You need to find a physician who specializes in *addiction* NOT just diet or weight loss, as they are NOT the same thing. There are common elements to an addiction, particularly neurochemical ones that only the former will understand that can help you and your wife form a treatment plan.

1. Rule out other causes such as tumours, etc.

2. Discuss with the physician prescriptions specifically for treating addiction. There are several pathways, and your wife may need a combination to get her acute symptoms under control. I'm not going to make specific suggestions, but will start you off here:

New Prescriptions for Addiction Treatment

3. Combine the pharmacologic therapy with a medically supervised retreat with exercise and calorie restriction. Success will require both.

Get some early results and then consider a longer term solution such as one of the bariatric surgeries.

I wish you and your wife best wishes on this difficult, but surmountable journey. She is lucky to have your devotion. Good luck.
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post #54 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 10:02 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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I was afraid that someone would ask me this question; I almost omitted the detail it references out of embarrassment over its answer. But, yes, I did stop twice to get her what she wanted. (And walked around the parking lot of the second stop while she devoured it.) No one, and I mean NO ONE, knows what that woman is like when she is hungry. The moaning and groaning, the pleading- 'Oh Jerry, I want it so badly; I beg you to stop,' over and over- the Loony Tunes behavior (like pulling her pants down and making animal noises)- I can take only so much of it while driving. We argue about her eating almost every single time we get in the car. On long trips, she just sits in the backseat and feasts, while I turn up the radio so that I don't have to listen to her loud chewing and happy noises. On those occasions, and others where she is out of control, I can't help but thinking of her as beastly.
WHAT?!

Are you saying that you are driving along in the car and she pulls her pants down and makes animal noises so you will buy her food?

If she is 400 lbs, how does she manage to pull her pants down in a car? But more importantly - What explanation does she give for why she is pulling her pants down and making animal noises? Do you think she is lucid when she is doing this?

I saw in your other post where she and a man pulled their pants down and binged. What is the deal with pulling pants down?
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post #55 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-25-2016, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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WHAT?!

Are you saying that you are driving along in the car and she pulls her pants down and makes animal noises so you will buy her food?

If she is 400 lbs, how does she manage to pull her pants down in a car? But more importantly - What explanation does she give for why she is pulling her pants down and making animal noises? Do you think she is lucid when she is doing this?

I saw in your other post where she and a man pulled their pants down and binged. What is the deal with pulling pants down?
Yes, she does things like that and paws at me until I pull over and give her her way. But, no the woman is not lucid; she's delirious, going out of her mind with food lust: 'Oh I want it so badly, Jerry; I'm going crazy, please I beg you to stop for me.' As for how she manages to pull her pants down, they are sweats, she simply does it. But I have no clue as to her motives, beyond unimaginable hunger.
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post #56 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 12:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

'Earlier today, this post stated she and the male patient were found glutting in her hospital suite's bathroom and she was totally naked.'

You think it was only 1 time they binged together? There were multiple occasions on which they snuck in food, to places all over the hospital. (My wife is sick, but she has not lost her ability to prevaricate, in fact, if anything her deceitfulness has increased in direct proportion to her appetite.) It has been years since they took place and, yeah, I've conflated some of the details in my memory. I submitted my initial recollection of the hospital's reason for removing Beverly from their obesity clinic and then realized several minutes later that I'd confused it with something the man's wife had said about her: 'You realize they've been doing this the whole time? Your wife doesn't even bother putting any clothes on when he comes to see her at night for their little feast. There are pictures on his cellphone of her eating naked on the bathroom floor. I am sooo out of here!'
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post #57 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 05:20 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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...but she would only mutter over and over 'I can't stop, Jerry, I can't stop. I want it so bad!'

...

Finally, she emerged from the room, saying 'When he leaves you fatso, I won't blame him a bit.' Then they left. No sooner had the door closed than Beverly came crawling out of her bedroom and threw her arms around my waist. 'I beg you not to see her,' she cried.
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This arguing between members is of no help to the OP. From here on out either post directly to the OP in support of the OP, or don't post on this thread. I'd hate to have to ban anyone.

Dear Jerry - I support you. I have to go.
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post #58 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 10:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Dear Haiku,

TY very much for your support. I came here to commiserate with other spouses struggling with addictions in their marriage and you have ended my weekend on a sympathetic note.

Your friend,

Jerry
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post #59 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-26-2016, 11:01 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

OP.

Does your wife work? And who is buying and cooking all this food? You? Are you enabling this? IMO you are doing more harm giving her the food rather than just put up with her "begging". Are you codependent?

Listen, I know this is not easy but for the next step, YOU need to seek individual counseling for two very important reasons. 1) You need to learn how to cope with this problem and 2) you need to learn how not to contribute to this problem.
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post #60 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 07:44 AM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Hi Jerry,

Did she ever get a diagnosis from the hospital in the obesity clinic?

There are many reasons why some people have a chronic eating disorder.

Has she been taking any antidepressants in the last 5/10 years?
- Rare side effects are those such as over eating, a feeling of never being able to feel full. Always thinking about food.

Does she feel remorseful after eating? Does she go on about starting some new diet every week, but fails to put a plan into action?
-They could be signs of a body/eating disorders/form of depression disorders.

Does she have a eating fetish?
- She may have gotten involved in this with the man in the clinic.
He may have promised her food if she agreed to nudity & pictures.
It's a sort of slight BDSM where parties get a pleasure from "feeding"
Sex is rarely a part of that.

Something from her childhood, where the parents or siblings had issues with food or used food as a comfort/coping mechanism?

The key is to find a diagnosis & work from there on.

I hope that can be of some help to you.






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