Wife's Serious Weight Problem - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #61 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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I was afraid that someone would ask me this question; I almost omitted the detail it references out of embarrassment over its answer. But, yes, I did stop twice to get her what she wanted. (And walked around the parking lot of the second stop while she devoured it.) No one, and I mean NO ONE, knows what that woman is like when she is hungry. The moaning and groaning, the pleading- 'Oh Jerry, I want it so badly; I beg you to stop,' over and over- the Loony Tunes behavior (like pulling her pants down and making animal noises)- I can take only so much of it while driving. We argue about her eating almost every single time we get in the car. On long trips, she just sits in the backseat and feasts, while I turn up the radio so that I don't have to listen to her loud chewing and happy noises. On those occasions, and others where she is out of control, I can't help but thinking of her as beastly.
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You think it was only 1 time they binged together? There were multiple occasions on which they snuck in food, to places all over the hospital. (My wife is sick, but she has not lost her ability to prevaricate, in fact, if anything her deceitfulness has increased in direct proportion to her appetite.) It has been years since they took place and, yeah, I've conflated some of the details in my memory. I submitted my initial recollection of the hospital's reason for removing Beverly from their obesity clinic and then realized several minutes later that I'd confused it with something the man's wife had said about her: 'You realize they've been doing this the whole time? Your wife doesn't even bother putting any clothes on when he comes to see her at night for their little feast. There are pictures on his cellphone of her eating naked on the bathroom floor. I am sooo out of here!'
Yes, she is very sick. You aren't going to be able to help her because she is mentally ill, and has an eating disorder (illness).

She needs psychiatric and physcial medical care. If she won't go to get it, nothing will change. So you have to decide how much is "enough" for you. When will it be "too much" for you to deal with any longer? If she refuses to get help, that's all you have to consider - what will your plan be for YOUR life if she refuses to get mental and physical help for her issues? How much of your life do you want to lose to her illnesses?

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post #62 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Dear NMRN4,

I am reading your thoughtful response at work so I am not currently at liberty to answer most of your highly pertinent questions. I will try to set aside some time this evening to respond to them. What I do want to put to rest right away, though, is the notion that I somehow 'enable' Beverly's gluttony. Yes, I've caved in to her pleading and stopped while we were driving so that she could satisfy her omnipresent food lust. But that's it. I don't bring food home for her nor take her out to eat unless it's for a special occasion like our anniversary or her birthday. Nor do I even give her the $ for it; she has her own. (I myself can't even taste food due to the xerostomia from which I suffer due to the radiation I received for throat cancer- now if that's isn't irony I don't know what is.) As for her general health, believe it or not it's good- all of her vitals are well within the normal range. (One doctor rather indiscreetly said to me 'Your wife has the constitution of an ox.') The only medical problem from which she suffers due to her weight is female impotence. Years ago she confessed to a therapist that she had 'lost the urge for sex.' The doctor then explained to her that her inability to become aroused sexually was probably being caused by all the excess weight she was carrying around her middle. (She weighed over 400 lbs. at the time.)

Thank you and have nice day.

Jerry
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post #63 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Jerry, you're not going to like this, but... when you stop and give in while driving in the car, you are enabling. Enabling is not *just* bringing the food home to her. Enabling also entails giving in to her requests outside the home.

I have to be honest, here. Much of what you post, I am having a very difficult time believing. Oh, I believe some could be true... Maybe. But much of it, having been that big, myself, years ago, I am having a VERY difficult time believing. And those things cause me to question the entire thing. But, because *some* of it, a very small portion, resonates with me, I will continue to respond to those parts that I believe.

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post #64 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Thank you Maricha for your kindness and understanding. I can appreciate your incredulity; much of what I have experienced with Beverly's illness is hard even for ME to believe. Then again, addiction, as I have also learned, is a very strange beast indeed. In any event, I will continue to be grateful for whatever advice and support you provide. Jerry
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post #65 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:20 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

@jerrymartin947

What if her overeating is a self fulfilling prophecy you created by perhaps fussing about what she eats BEFORE she had this problem? Now binge eating is her way to control and punish you. Did you fuss at her before she had this problem?

While obviously you do not want to enable her, perhaps experiment with allowing her to have full control over your diet and see what happens.

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post #66 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Hi Jerry,

Please check out the food addicts anonymous website to check if symptoms match.

Welcome to Food Addicts Anonymous
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post #67 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Jerry, keep us updated on next steps. Not to be a web voyeur but b/c it seems there is very little support online for this kind of situation. Post when you need support and good luck.
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post #68 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

She needs to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. Also might not be a bad idea to see a neurologist and get a full work up by a physician and have her hormone levels checked.

Shaming her, arguing with her, and trying to get her to diet through will power isn't going to change anything.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #69 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 08:13 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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Thank you Maricha for your kindness and understanding. I can appreciate your incredulity; much of what I have experienced with Beverly's illness is hard even for ME to believe. Then again, addiction, as I have also learned, is a very strange beast indeed. In any event, I will continue to be grateful for whatever advice and support you provide. Jerry
There was another thread a couple months back. The OP's wife did the exact opposite. Did not eat. Won't eat. She was down to 106 lbs. He stopped posting. I wonder if she survived. Both stories are life threatening. I don't buy the health fat story. I have seen first hand how serious conditions remain diagnosed or unknown until way too late. For example, unless she has a liver biopsy, you will never know if she has fatty liver, which will eventually lead to liver failure.

Good luck OP.
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post #70 of 73 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

Thanks Sapentia. I will continue to check back for new responses to my original post and, should time permit, respond thereto and/or let folks know if there is any significant change, for better or worse, in my wife's condition. While I'm here, I might as well say that she's in the next room right now glutting and talking to herself.

Last edited by jerrymartin947; 07-08-2016 at 12:16 PM. Reason: Grammar
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post #71 of 73 (permalink) Old 07-01-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

I'd be out the door. It's impossible to have a healthy, functional relationship with an addict.

If she is unable to admit she has an addiction, and get the necessary counselling and treatment, then you only have one option.

I have no idea why you would tolerate a relationship like this. I suggest counselling for yourself to get to the root of that issue. (codependence?)

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

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post #72 of 73 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 12:44 PM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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She needs to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. Also might not be a bad idea to see a neurologist and get a full work up by a physician and have her hormone levels checked.
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Originally Posted by jerrymartin947 View Post
Thanks Sapentia. I will continue to check back for new responses to my original post and, should time permit, respond them and/or let folks know if there is any significant change, for better or worse, in my wife's condition. While I'm here, I might as well say that she's in the next room right now glutting and talking to herself.
You're getting this advice from multiple sources.

My only add is to be mindful of your own mental health. Addiction is a draining experience for the family also. You are in an emotionally very vulnerable place right now --you should consider counselling for yourself also. Good luck.
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post #73 of 73 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 01:44 AM
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Re: Wife's Serious Weight Problem

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I told her that she needed professional help and offered to find it for her, but that she would have to take the first step and admit to having an eating disorder.
IMO, over eating is similar to alcohol and drug addictions where the victim has connected food with love or self worth due to some kind of childhood trauma so the food becomes all important as the victim's ONLY SOURCE of love, attention and significance or security. From your account, I have no idea what happened to Beverly as a child but her mom seems quite aggressive or mean-spirited so perhaps Beverly was seriously abused or neglected as a child and is addicted to getting her "feel good" from food. If she is ever willing to get into therapy or an over-eaters anonymous support group, she might discover the hidden, buried and repressed reasons for why she uses food the way she does now. Early childhood conditioning and programming is NO JOKE as you can plainly see so something has to open Beverly's eyes to what happened to her and how to undo the damages BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! As with alcoholics, you might have to put some pressure on her to FORCE her to see that she does indeed need help. As her husband, you are in the best position to make her see that both of you need some help here! I'd just tell her that it's the food or you and then let her decide which one she wants! I sure as hell would not spend the rest of my life in such a hopeless union with a food addict or any other kind of addict!

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