Analzying a bit too much! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Analzying a bit too much!

Hello,

This probably sounds a bit immature and some might say "speak your mind".
I have known this guy for almost 15 years, we tried the dating, but he ended up moving to a different state and went back to his ex, and same as me. We always kept in contact - when he would come to visit his family he would reach out to me, when I was on vaca, I would visit him-us being single of course. We tried the distance dating thing, but he always cut if off because he either saw no potential or its was unfair to me as per his say back then.. So I eventually moved on got married, he ended up dating someone, I got divorce, a few months after his girl broke up with him, we reached out to each other.. still kept in touch and visiting each other when in town.
I always cared for him, and felt he was my soul- I was happy when he was around and missed him deeply when gone.

Fast forward now, I moved out of state and to the same state as him, not for him though but work reasons. I never told him my plans of moving until a week before. I came down, he helped me get a car, etc. During the week I was here, I was staying at my friends house for a few days before I got my apt situated. He comes and offers me to move in with him because he has a 3 bedroom house, and I can rent one out.. instead of me living alone in that apt and he would be mad if something was to happen to me in the area - such as me coming home late, and I am new to the state and so forth. Plus it would save on some bills. However, he stated he didn't want a relationship. So with all that I decided on staying at his place-why was beyond me..
It has been 5 months already, and we live like a couple, except the title of us being in a relationship. I deeply care for him, and when he gets home I am so happy to see him. He makes my heart happy but I am confused because, I am a beautiful, caring and we connect on so many levels. as to why he hasn't bought up the conversation of us having a relationship is beyond me. I want to tell him how I feel, but deep down it might change us and it will be awkward.
I don't know what is it he wants, he works ever day for, he has his own business. He comes home, we spend the evening together, or when he is home early we will go to a movie or so..we sleep int he same bed.. so i don't know what is holding him back.

Should I let things be, or should I say something - I want and see him as my future.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 03:10 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

When you say "live like a couple", do you mean physically intimate? Whether he says you're a couple or not, physical intimacy is a pretty clear sign.

If there's no romance/physical intimacy, then you're roommates and that's fine too.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

Many times guys don't want a relationship or any hint of being attached that could bring on marriage and being financially tied down. If you'll sleep with him without any type of commitment from him, I'm sure he'll be ok with that. I think that if you start asking him about a relationship or commitment, he'll move on. If you want anything more than what you have right now, you're probably going to have to start looking elsewhere.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

do either of you ever want an emotional/physical/romantic relationship with someone else ever again (other than you wanting him)? because the situation as it is now will hinder that.

also, how old are you two? if you're both in your 70's, that's one thing. both in your 30's, that's another.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

He flat out told you that he didn't want a relationship when you moved in. It was a mistake moving in because you gave him nothing to fight for. I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you're Friends with Benefits. If you're not okay with this, bring it up with him one last time. Tell him what you want and if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings and desires (& ACT on them), you either need to 1. Accept it and live like he wants to or 2. Accept it and move on with your life (including moving out and stop sleeping with him).
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

Thank you, I know in the back of my mind - he probably sees us as as friends with Benefits. At the end! I have to talk to him.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

Quote:
Originally Posted by acm1979 View Post
Should I let things be, or should I say something - I want and see him as my future.
I think that he likes you as a friend, but he has no long term plans with you. You're the best roommate he couldn't possibly ever hope for. He obviously didn't consider or perhaps care that stringing you along is going to have a messy ending.

I recommend that you move out as soon as possible before you waste too much time.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 05:03 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

You've known him for 15 years and even up until the moment you moved in with him he has said he doesn't want a relationship with you. When a man loves a women and wants to be with her he tells her. He had no problem committing to other women in the course of your 15 year friendship. I think you either need to accept things the way they are or move on. He has already told you what he wants. A roommate to share the expenses. He was upfront and honest in his intentions.

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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-17-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

He wants to behave like a couple but not label it as such, in case someone else comes along, he's free and available to end it with you, and go to the next woman. That's why he doesn't label it. If you thought moving in with him would 'bring him around'...it hasn't. So, maybe it's time to find a new place, and let him go. He isn't interested in what you want. Better to move on, and find someone who is interested in what you want, too.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-17-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

There's zero purpose in talking to him. He's had chance after chance for 15 years to make you his. Even now, he doesn't want you for that and told you so. You should move out, or accept that what you have now is all you'll ever get from him.

I'm sorry.
If I were you, I'd move out and act/be single. A decent man won't date you if you're living with a guy in a FWB situation. You want someone that loves you like everyone else. Put yourself in a situation where you can meet that person.

This guy has zero intentions of being your man. Never has, never will.
For whatever reason, he likes you a lot, thinks well of you. He just doesn't want to marry you.
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-18-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

Thank you all for your honest replies.. I guess there is no sense in telling him, because I shouldn't have to tell him, he as a man should say what he feel about me, and obviously he is truly comfortable with our living arrangements. He might regret it one day.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:50 AM
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Re: Analzying a bit too much!

Quote:
Originally Posted by acm1979 View Post
Should I let things be, or should I say something
Say something!

choose happiness
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