the spouse of an alcoholic - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-30-2016, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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the spouse of an alcoholic

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and we have a 3 month old baby. He had problems with alcohol since before we even met, i didnīt know the gravity of this until the first time i actually saw him drunk, last night. when we had conversations about alcohol before getting married he explained that he used to have an alcohol problem, he used to excuse this with being lonely and away from family and friends and since i donīt drink myself it was hard to imagine how hard it is for my husband not to drink. I for the most part was afraid of his reaction if i told him not to drink, i did not want to give him the idea that i am crossing bounderies about what he can and canīt do. He has been to rehab, and for the most part has refused to go to aa meetings. the truth is that he lies to himself saying that he can drink when he canīt. Last night he went out with a very problematic friend who is cought up on all kinds of drugs and alcohol abuse, pot grower , i donīt think my husband is innocent, i know he wanted to go out with this friend because he wouldnīt say no to consuming alcohol so they use each other to drink, my husband havent drink in a long time and for the most part that we have been married is the first time that this happens. I was very upset last night and tried to have him take a shower , after he came home he didnīt layed in the bed with me , he sneaked to the couch so i wouldnīt notice , this morning all he could say is sorry and he admited that he is an alcoholic and that he should not drink at all, but this isnīt the first time he says so and then tries to convince me that he is okay drinking only in "special " ocassions .
I have very little experiences about alcohol so i donīt really know what to do or how to get guidance in this matter. I wanīt to help him but i know it is more complicated than that.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-31-2016, 10:47 AM
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Re: the spouse of an alcoholic

My Dad was an alcoholic and eventually became sober. He knew he could never drink again. Your husband needs to eliminate this friend from his life. He needs to go to AA and never drink even on "special occasions". He is an alcoholic and being sober means not drinking. The fact that he is lying and being sneaky means he knows what he is doing is wrong. If he continues to drink I would make him leave the home. Your baby shouldn't be around him when he is drunk.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 08:43 AM
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Re: the spouse of an alcoholic

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I know what you're dealing with. Please look up Al-Anon meetings in your area and attend. Sharing your story will help lift some of the weight from your shoulders. The meetings will help you gain focus on what you need to be doing to help yourself. If you can, Read CoDependent No More. Stop doing things for him that he can do for himself. Don't try to get him into the shower. Don't clean up after him. Don't enable. Do not make excuses for him. Let him feel the consequences of his actions, fully. Unfortunately, this is something that he has to deal with himself. However, you can set boundaries and enforce the consequences should he cross them. You have to follow through on your consequences though otherwise the boundary means nothing. Educate yourself on how alcoholics process alcohol differently than an non-alcoholic. Some people do not believe that it is a disease but I do. Understanding it will help you.

My H is an alcoholic and believes that he can "control" it by drinking 2-3 days a week. This past week, it was 4 nights/days straight and that is tough for me to deal with. The problem is that once he starts drinking, he has an extremely hard time stopping. Everything gives him a reason to drink. I live my life 1 day at a time. I was too overwhelmed by trying to determine the future with him. You have a child with him and that makes it a little more complicated for you. Feel free to PM me.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 06:49 PM
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Re: the spouse of an alcoholic

Quote:
Originally Posted by justtrying10 View Post
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, and we have a 3 month old baby. Your #1 obligation in any union is to the health and well-being of your kids, so, focus on the welfare of your child and that will tell BOTH of you what to do and how to behave. He had problems with alcohol since before we even met, i didnīt know the gravity of this until the first time i actually saw him drunk, last night. when we had conversations about alcohol before getting married he explained that he used to have an alcohol problem, he used to excuse this with being lonely and away from family and friends and since i donīt drink myself it was hard to imagine how hard it is for my husband not to drink. Alcoholics have millions of EXCUSES for their drinking! I for the most part was afraid of his reaction if i told him not to drink, i did not want to give him the idea that i am crossing bounderies about what he can and canīt do. Think of your child's welfare and then you won't be so afraid of your husband.He has been to rehab, and for the most part has refused to go to aa meetings. the truth is that he lies to himself saying that he can drink when he canīt. Last night he went out with a very problematic friend who is cought up on all kinds of drugs and alcohol abuse, pot grower , i donīt think my husband is innocent, i know he wanted to go out with this friend because he wouldnīt say no to consuming alcohol so they use each other to drink, my husband havent drink in a long time and for the most part that we have been married is the first time that this happens. I was very upset last night and tried to have him take a shower , after he came home he didnīt layed in the bed with me , he sneaked to the couch so i wouldnīt notice , this morning all he could say is sorry and he admited that he is an alcoholic and that he should not drink at all, but this isnīt the first time he says so and then tries to convince me that he is okay drinking only in "special " ocassions .
I have very little experiences about alcohol so i donīt really know what to do or how to get guidance in this matter. I wanīt to help him but i know it is more complicated than that. Help your baby instead! Think of what is best for you innocent, dependent child and it will be clear what you need to do to PROTECT your kid from this irresponsible alcoholic!!!!

choose happiness
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: the spouse of an alcoholic

For the love of your child you have to lay down the law NOW to your husband: rehab and/or AA NOW and no alcohol whatsoever, or you are out! I am the product of an abusive alcoholic father and the effects of it plague to me to this day.

I have a thread in the separation forum describing the ongoing demise of my marriage which is largely my wife's fault but in which I do share responsibility due to my difficulty in empathizing/connecting with/loving another person. It is a horrible state of affairs, and I have been going to ACoA meetings for two years which helps, but honestly I do not believe I will ever be rid of the character defects that stem from the way I was raised.

Listen to the other posters and get the alcohol out of your marriage. There is still hope, as your child is baby and does not yet know what is going on . Do it NOW.
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