Tough Love - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: Tough Love

Self medicating with addiction is a symptom of another disease.

Why is my dad an addict? Because he chooses to be.

His mother was a very cold, bitter and violent mother. On top of that self depreciation and self blame for his brother's death (brain cancer, a few years before the diagnosis he and his brother were in the bush and his brother ended up with a purely accidental blow to the head that caused severe closed head trauma - the brain cancer was never my father's fault).

He chooses it. My brother in law...he chose to replace a drug addiction with alcoholism.

He has lost his license, his vehicle was impounded, he has numerous infractions and charges and fines. He lost his job, nearly lost his wife and two children. Isn't even allowed to sit in a driver's seat to turn on the radio (must sit in passenger seat to do it, part of his conditions).

Yet, he continues to choose to drink. I believe he is self medicating for emotional trauma in childhood (have it on good word from another family member there was some hefty child sexual and physical abuse that they all grew up with).

Now, I'm a child sexual assault survivor. I don't drink (at all), don't do drugs, don't party...two very extreme ends of the spectrum of dealing with trauma. It's a choice to self medicate.

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post #17 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:34 PM
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Re: Tough Love

Trying to figure out why a person drinks like that is chasing your tail. It's something that a non-alcoholic can't understand because they simply don't have the addiction. When an alcoholic drinks, it makes them feel differently than a nonalcoholic would feel when they drink. The alcohol reacts differently in their body.

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post #18 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-17-2016, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Trying to figure out why a person drinks like that is chasing your tail. It's something that a non-alcoholic can't understand because they simply don't have the addiction. When an alcoholic drinks, it makes them feel differently than a nonalcoholic would feel when they drink. The alcohol reacts differently in their body.

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Yes tropical, I have read that they get a much different "high", a stronger one than non-alcoholics, who just get a buzz. I'm sure there is no comparison.
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post #19 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 06:03 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Originally Posted by Kivlor View Post
It's unbelievably hard, watching a family member crawl into a bottle. Sorry to hear you're going through that.



We tried tough love on my cousin, without success. Dropped him off at the shelter, and cut ties primarily. (one family member stayed in contact) He drank himself into the grave at the age of 38.



Tried a more gentle approach on my dad and that was a failure too.



AlAnon has the same success rate as quitting cold turkey.



If you've got the money, the inclination, and if your brother is willing, I've heard there are some great inpatient programs. If the alcoholic won't go to the program and stay, then it's a waste of time.


Please call it AA. The vast majority of readers will be confused because you are using non standard abbreviations for these organizations. AA is not AlAnon. AlAnon is for OP to attend.
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post #20 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-18-2016, 06:08 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Hi Kivlor,

So sorry about your cousin and your dad. Drinking to his grave is exactly where my brother is headed and he knows it. He has already suffered seizures from withdrawals, and recently one of his organs started failing. Again...what does it take to get them to stop? Where is his "rock bottom"? Soooo frustrating and completely depressing.

We have paid for my brother to go to rehab. He has been through at least 4-5 places. We paid for one...he got into the others through welfare, etc. He has NO money, no job, no healthcare other than Medicaid. Can't drive because of multiple DUIs.

Is it his liver that is failing? If so he wont get a transplant if still drinking and he will die from this.
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post #21 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 03:19 AM
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Re: Tough Love

If he reached out to you and you have the money to send him to inpatient rehab, it might be a way to go. It's terribly heartbroken to have a family member like that, but we cannot choose who to be our blood.
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post #22 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 05:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

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Is it his liver that is failing? If so he wont get a transplant if still drinking and he will die from this.

Blue it was his kidneys last time he was in hospital. I'm pretty shocked his liver HASN'T failed yet.
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post #23 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 05:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

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If he reached out to you and you have the money to send him to inpatient rehab, it might be a way to go. It's terribly heartbroken to have a family member like that, but we cannot choose who to be our blood.
Candle we have paid to send him before, unfortunately it didn't work. He has been in rehab probably 4-5 times at least.
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post #24 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-22-2016, 09:32 PM
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Re: Tough Love

My bf is going to detox ttomorrow for 5 days for alcohol. Idk if it will work but i hope it does. Im tired of seeing it all the time and he is not a good influence for my kids. Im so ready ro be over this. He use to breath in a machine like 3 or 4 years ago and that never worked. Hes finally saying after 5 years hes ready to get help. But wants to get drunk before he goes. I think its all bull what hes saying. Im about to evict him because im tired of it

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post #25 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 06:34 AM Thread Starter
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Volcano I'm sorry to hear about your bf. Yes that seems to be the common MO of alcoholics going in for treatment: one last binge before they go. My brother has said this before going in... In fact if he's not totally drunk on a tear he doesn't want to go in. I hope you get some help/counseling for yourself in all this.

He can go to detox for five days, but then what? What is his long-term plan to stay sober? That's always the issue I have with my brother. When he starts being on a better path, he has no long-term plan for his sobriety.
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post #26 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 06:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

So the latest is that my brother started calling my father after the restraining order was in place. My dad, who is elderly, picked up the first time because he didn't realize who it was. Then he told my brother not to call him.

My sister was visiting with my dad, and over the course of two days my brother called 14 times. (they did not pick up) My sister called the cops, who came to the house and filled out a report.

Now my brother is texting me telling me he is trying to get into a homeless program, but he has a message on his phone from the police, telling him to turn himself in. It never f-ing ends. He wanted me to ask my father/sister to speak to the police and "get him out of it". I texted him that what's done is done. He shouldn't have called my father. He is acting like he doesn't remember calling my dad...that he must have "blacked out". Total BS.

So I struggle with hating him and then feeling sorry at times. But I'm sick and tired of the merry go round. Who else constantly makes their problems everyone else's?
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post #27 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: Tough Love

Do you have the ability to put a block on your brothers number so he can't call your father? I know he could easily get around that pretty quickly but it would give your father a little break before your brother figures it out. Or how about changing his number?

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post #28 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Do you have the ability to put a block on your brothers number so he can't call your father? I know he could easily get around that pretty quickly but it would give your father a little break before your brother figures it out. Or how about changing his number?

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That's a good idea to block the number. I will check into it. Thanks ;-)

I don't think my dad would want to change the number as he's had it so many years, etc.
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post #29 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Volcano I'm sorry to hear about your bf. Yes that seems to be the common MO of alcoholics going in for treatment: one last binge before they go. My brother has said this before going in... In fact if he's not totally drunk on a tear he doesn't want to go in. I hope you get some help/counseling for yourself in all this.

He can go to detox for five days, but then what? What is his long-term plan to stay sober? That's always the issue I have with my brother. When he starts being on a better path, he has no long-term plan for his sobriety.
Hes on felony probation and after the 5 days detox his po is going to put an alcohol monitor on him for 120 days. So idk how to injest all of this. I can't live w/ this, I love him but I need to do what I need to do for me and my kids I just don't know where to start?

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post #30 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 11:44 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Hes on felony probation and after the 5 days detox his po is going to put an alcohol monitor on him for 120 days. So idk how to injest all of this. I can't live w/ this, I love him but I need to do what I need to do for me and my kids I just don't know where to start?

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You should start your own thread so not to thread jack. Sorry you're dealing with this. If I would have known that my husband would become an alcoholic, I wouldn't have married him.

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