Tough Love - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #31 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 06:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

So just to update, my brother was arrested last night because he violated the restraining order by calling my dad. Now my siblings are arguing over whether police should have been notified that he contacted my dad (because he was drunk, I guess?)

Don't know anything else...how long he will be in jail, etc. I know the court does not take restraining orders lightly.

All I know is that he has NO idea how his life causes us all to suffer. They never do.
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post #32 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 07:25 PM
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Re: Tough Love

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Bottom line is he still wants to drink, and I guess his life hasn't gotten bad enough to stop him. I guess being homeless isn't enough???!!!
HE is gone. You have a fuzzy facsimile of him.

HE does not want to drink, he has to drink.

He is gone. He is gone.

My answer would be difficult and illegal.

Take him out into the desert. Lock him in a comfortable cage, keep him sedated until the alcohol and the delirium tremens DT's subside. A few weeks, as I understand.

Then keep him locked up until his spinning chaotic mind comes to a halt.

He is gone.

Oh, you could frame him for some crime that would net him 3 or 4 years in jail. They know how to deal with alcoholics. He would be supervised 24/7.

Sh!t.....your hands are tied.

He is gone.

Sorry you are here.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #33 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-23-2016, 09:01 PM
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Re: Tough Love

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So just to update, my brother was arrested last night because he violated the restraining order by calling my dad. Now my siblings are arguing over whether police should have been notified that he contacted my dad (because he was drunk, I guess?)

Don't know anything else...how long he will be in jail, etc. I know the court does not take restraining orders lightly.

All I know is that he has NO idea how his life causes us all to suffer. They never do.
He has to feel the consequences of his actions. What would have been the point of the restraining order if it wasn't enforced? He has to learn that he cannot contact your father. They're holding him accountable. Good. I hope no one bails him out.

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post #34 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 07:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

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He has to feel the consequences of his actions. What would have been the point of the restraining order if it wasn't enforced? He has to learn that he cannot contact your father. They're holding him accountable. Good. I hope no one bails him out.

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Tropical you are right...thank you.

The problem is that my siblings are in disagreement over how this should be handled.

I was even unsure as to whether or not he should go to jail, but then I started thinking maybe it's a good thing. Maybe, just maybe...this could be his rock bottom. He knew that he shouldn't have contacted my dad...I texted him that night and told him to stop. Drunk or not. If he was so drunk that he didn't realize he was calling my dad...then that's a lesson in itself.
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post #35 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 07:32 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Tropical you are right...thank you.

The problem is that my siblings are in disagreement over how this should be handled.

I was even unsure as to whether or not he should go to jail, but then I started thinking maybe it's a good thing. Maybe, just maybe...this could be his rock bottom. He knew that he shouldn't have contacted my dad...I texted him that night and told him to stop. Drunk or not. If he was so drunk that he didn't realize he was calling my dad...then that's a lesson in itself.
This is about protecting your father. It really doesn't matter why he was calling him or if he was drunk or not. Bottom line is-He was not permitted to contact him and he violated that rule. You did the right thing. He must be held accountable and have consequences. If there are no consequences, then y'all are enabling him. Also, if there are no consequences, then the situations will escalate because he'll walk all over everyone. Hang in there
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post #36 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 07:52 AM
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Tough Love

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My bf is going to detox ttomorrow for 5 days for alcohol. Idk if it will work but i hope it does. Im tired of seeing it all the time and he is not a good influence for my kids. Im so ready ro be over this. He use to breath in a machine like 3 or 4 years ago and that never worked. Hes finally saying after 5 years hes ready to get help. But wants to get drunk before he goes. I think its all bull what hes saying. Im about to evict him because im tired of it

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Codependents can recognize each other. Please go for IC to understand why you put up with that crap. Start with Al-anon.
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post #37 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Originally Posted by bluezone View Post
So just to update, my brother was arrested last night because he violated the restraining order by calling my dad. Now my siblings are arguing over whether police should have been notified that he contacted my dad (because he was drunk, I guess?)

Don't know anything else...how long he will be in jail, etc. I know the court does not take restraining orders lightly.

All I know is that he has NO idea how his life causes us all to suffer. They never do.


At least he cannot drink now. And don't bail him out. Contact the jail and find out if they offer any alcohol counseling to inmates.

Remember this thread title.
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post #38 of 45 (permalink) Old 08-24-2016, 07:29 PM
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Re: Tough Love

I agree with @blueinbr . Jail Is probably the best place for him right now. He's being fed, has a place to sleep, and (hopefully) no access to drugs and alcohol. I hate to say it but I would much rather him be in jail right now. He could easily give himself alcohol poisoning in a homeless shelter. The judge may sentence him to a state funded long term rehab facility. I've heard many a sober alcoholic say going to jail was the best thing that ever happened to them, because it allowed them to hit bottom and realize that no one was going to bail them out anymore.
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post #39 of 45 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

Just to update again.

My brother got out of jail...still not sure how that happened, but could have been my sister bailed him out....? Not sure.

He has been calling me for the past couple of days and I haven't been answering.

Finally today I picked up. He is drinking again...which means he is out of the shelter (homeless program) and likely at a hotel. He is telling me he misses his family, etc etc. and crying.

I told him to get into individual counseling and try and get back on the medications he was taking previously to help with the alcohol cravings. When he was compliant with the medications, it did help him.

What a nightmare. I feel like he is going to die in a hotel room or in the woods...and not a DAMN thing I can do about it. Can anyone who has been there done that explain why he would choose to drink when he is homeless, no job, family cut him off, etc? It is so frustrating.
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post #40 of 45 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 02:34 PM
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Re: Tough Love

You haven't really cut him off, OP. Let him go and let him face the consequences of his own choices and actions. He will sink or swim, his choice. There is NOTHING anyone can do for him unfortunately until he really wants to quit drinking. I hope and pray he wakes up before it's too late.
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post #41 of 45 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: Tough Love

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Originally Posted by bluezone View Post
Just to update again.

My brother got out of jail...still not sure how that happened, but could have been my sister bailed him out....? Not sure.

He has been calling me for the past couple of days and I haven't been answering.

Finally today I picked up. He is drinking again...which means he is out of the shelter (homeless program) and likely at a hotel. He is telling me he misses his family, etc etc. and crying.

I told him to get into individual counseling and try and get back on the medications he was taking previously to help with the alcohol cravings. When he was compliant with the medications, it did help him.

What a nightmare. I feel like he is going to die in a hotel room or in the woods...and not a DAMN thing I can do about it. Can anyone who has been there done that explain why he would choose to drink when he is homeless, no job, family cut him off, etc? It is so frustrating.
The power of the addiction is so strong, he cannot just quit on his own. He is beyond that. It's heartbreaking, but there isn't anything you can do.

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post #42 of 45 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 02:24 AM
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Re: Tough Love

Mental disorders seem to manifest itself during puberty.
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post #43 of 45 (permalink) Old 09-13-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Tough Love

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Mental disorders seem to manifest itself during puberty.
Do you think alcoholism is a mental disorder?

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post #44 of 45 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 06:31 PM
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Re: Tough Love

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Hi all,

Looking for some advice especially from alcoholics who have been able to get sober or other families who have dealt with this.

We have been dealing with my brother, a chronic severe alcoholic, for numerous years...too many to count. Why is he an alcoholic now? What happened to him? Where, when and who did this start? I know how I got started drinking, just like my dad, and why we both did. My dad was emotionally damaged as a kid and so was I!

Just this past month my 84-year-old dad had to file a restraining order against him because he was living with my father and continuing to drink. My dad is too old to deal with this shyt. My father had a rough time doing this as this is his son, but he knew it was the right thing to do and we all encouraged him. Did the dad do the RIGHT THING when the son was young?

From those of you who know the mind of an alcoholic, is it better to cut off communication completely? I would and did!

He is reaching out to me, but I feel like the only way he is going to try and beat this is if he stops relying on family and does this himself. We have given him help over the years, tried rehabs, different programs etc. They have to help them selves along with a Higher Power.

About 6 months ago he was taking medicine to help him with alcohol cravings which was really helping, but of course he wasn't compliant. Bottom line is he still wants to drink, and I guess his life hasn't gotten bad enough to stop him. I guess being homeless isn't enough???!!!

Anyway thanks in advance for any advice on the "tough love" deal. He doesn't need "tough love" (which isn't love at all!), he needs to understand WHY he drinks and then HOW to heal the old, unresolved childhood wounds that MAKE him drink. In other words, he needs to break out of DENIAL about his past.
A's very rarely go for help until after things get extremely difficult and serious so wish him the best and hope for the best after he hits bottom a few times.


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post #45 of 45 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Tough Love

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A's very rarely go for help until after things get extremely difficult and serious so wish him the best and hope for the best after he hits bottom a few times.

Hi jimrich. Thanks so much for your post. It helps to hear from someone else who has been there, done that. To answer your questions...

If I had to guess why he is an alcoholic, I would probably guess that he drinks to deal with social situations, which he is not good at. Also because of depression. I'm not sure why he started drinking, but he started young and kept going. There is some history of alcoholism in the family (not immediate family). There has been mention of sexual abuse by a person (not a relative) when he was young...not sure of all the details. So this is probably the emotional damage you speak of.

Did the dad do the RIGHT THING when the son was young? Sorry not sure what you mean by this...my dad did the best he could with raising us.

I know they have to help themselves (he has attended AA meetings, has a sponsor etc.) He will go a while without drinking and then he just goes on a binge for weeks, then ends up in hospital. I can't tell you how many times he has done this vicious cycle in the past 5 years.

He needs to understand WHY he drinks and then HOW to heal the old, unresolved childhood wounds that MAKE him drink. In other words, he needs to break out of DENIAL about his past.

This makes a lot of sense. The problem is getting him to do this. We have told him he needs counseling, etc. but getting HIM to realize this is the most important thing...how do you do that, especially since we have cut off communication and only have minimal contact with him?
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