one-sided emotional affair - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

User Tag List

 46Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 32
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Contact her boyfriend. Don't worry about him being abusive or having serious mental health issues. If he did, she wouldn't be poking the bear by badmouthing him to your husband. That's a typical ploy used to get a guy to feel sorry for her. Your husband is a piece of sh!t to be revealing your personal life to a one-time coworker.

Go silent, go strong, go deep and have him served. He has to earn your trust, again. You can't have 3 in a marriage.
Not sure how to go about contacting her boyfriend.
emuna is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 05:57 PM
Member
 
jimrich's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 256
Thumbs down Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
Ok, I'm not sure where to start with this or how to explain, but I'm new here and need some advice into my situation.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two kids. I think that making a happy home for one's kids has to be a top priority.
In August of this year, we entered into marriage counseling because of constant fighting and arguing going on, poor communication, etc.
So far, it's been going well.we are both happier with one another , of course it's not perfect but we're communicating better, things in our relationship are overall improved, including sexual. And I hope better for your kids as well.
Anyways, here are my issues. Now, he has this female friend he's known for 6 years and has been in touch with on and off during this time.

He met her when he worked at the local casino. She was another employee. I have met her in person twice the whole time he's known her. He texts her and talks to her maybe a couple times a month (non sexual things) but they're long convos... a few days ago, it was a phone call that lasted AN HOUR. He called her when he was working. I've never quite felt ok with this relationship. Has your counselor ever talked with you about your own insecurities and jealousies? But he swears up and down, sideways and backwards - THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS -NOTHING MORE! He does not want this woman even if we divorced, there is no dating potential.

He's never given me a reason to ever think they had a physical affair nor have they actually hung out together frequently. I'm pretty sure it's just emotional on HIS side. One sided. I spoke to her a couple of months ago and told her how I felt Did you feel insecure and jealous? - she said it's silly about me thinking she is sleeping with him or has any romantic feelings since that's NOT happening. Ok I believe her. I bugged my husband's phone and recorded conversations to make absolutely sure they are telling the truth. OMG, now that seems quite paranoid and insecure to me! Looks like counseling really didn't help you all that much! Of course it is true with her, she doesn't seem to want him at all. BUT, here is my issue: I think my husband is the one that is developing feelings for her. All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend) He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant. It's time for a lot more counseling here!

What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt. Looks like any more counseling is not going to help here!

They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.

I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose. IMO, your kids have the most to "lose" and are most likely being damaged more than the parents by this ugly situation so do whatever it takes to spare your kids from any further damage here.

choose happiness
jimrich is offline  
post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 06:50 PM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,070
Cool Re: one-sided emotional affair

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that all that it really requires is only one pair of itchy drawers being unceremoniously dropped to the floor in order to effectively go from EA to PA status!

And with rare exception, the betrayed spouse usually has little to no knowledge of when it actually occurs!

I believe that he is the man who, in essence, became your husband who, who at the same time had faithfully pledged his total fidelity to you!

So when in the hell is he going to start acting like it?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 02-24-2017 at 01:21 PM. Reason: Edification
arbitrator is online now  
post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 08:01 PM
Member
 
tigerlily99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 127
Re: one-sided emotional affair

I think it's so important to be strong in this. Don't waffle. Don't believe that it's not a big deal when your gut is telling you otherwise. (And now your monitoring program too)

I was the one in your H's shoes 3-1/2 years ago. I hadn't realized that my feelings shifted toward OM partly because my H seemed like he didn't care.
The truth was he was just trying not to act jealous.

You have every right to not be ok with this relationship.
And like @blueinbr said it's like a drug. Be ready to face some anger, excuses and justification but once the withdrawal is complete your H will see the truth. (Affair fog has to clear)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There IS still hope. Don't give any more room to this relationship though. Don't get talked down.
Your gut knows the truth.
tigerlily99 is offline  
post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 32
Re: one-sided emotional affair

thank you all. He has not spoken to her since before Thanksgiving, and all communication is cut off. I deleted and blocked her # from his phone, and he has not spoken to her. We are still in counseling, and things are improving. He has told me that he does not want to talk to her because he is worried about us backsliding into old issues.

Last edited by emuna; 02-17-2017 at 06:33 PM.
emuna is offline  
post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 06:43 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,178
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
thank you all. He has not spoken to her since before Thanksgiving, and all communication is cut off. I deleted and blocked her # from his phone, and he has not spoken to her. We are still in counseling, and things are improving. He has told me that he does not want to talk to her because he is worried about us backsliding into old issues.
When I seen your comment on the other thread I had feared the worst for you,I thought he had gone physical with the other woman.I am happy you seem to be working on your marriage and I wish you the best of luck.Do not get too lackadaisical about this woman though,she may try again and this time will be wiser about how she contacts your husband.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 568
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Good luck- this can work out and your marriage can become stronger.
My H began texting a coworker a few years ago. I noticed an increase in his texts to her(nothing overtly inappropriate)- with little happy faces and sad faces etc- at the same time he drastically decreased his texting to me. Often he wouldnt respond at all- not even when I told him I had booked an all inclusive vacation for us! On the other hand he apologized to her if he didnt text her back right away...

He said there was nothing going on. He started giving her little gifts of appreciation- nothing special- my old magazines, fruit from our garden, something little from his vacation...I told him she would get the wrong idea - he said I was silly and jealous.

He went to her house several times to help her with "Manly jobs" even though she had a boyfriend- he lied about going then said he did it because her boyfriend was like a child and coudnt do anything...

I told him I wanted the gifts to stop, the texting and calls to stop, the favours to stop. We went to MC where he was told he had to stop lying to me. Trust had been broken. He needed to build it up. I worked my ass off to make sure I was meeting his needs- .....and he deleted her texts, deleted her call log, used different phones to call her..all the while insisting he hasnt done a thing wrong because he hasnt touched her. He also had our DD work with her in the summer. She sent pics of herself with her tongue on our xmas ornament, told DD that they were looking at buying a house to get away from their significant others...We found a new MC. She was a no holds barred type and told him flat out it was an EA and it was hurtful to me whether or not they had done anything physical.

2 years later...sometimes he gets it...our marriage and connection to each other is in many ways better than it has ever been. He is more kind, considerate, present, - we golf, garden do projects together....its almost perfect now....
except 2 months ago he forgot to hang up his phone when he was talking to me and I could hear him use a different phone than his cell phone to call her and warn her that the boss was looking for her and he didnt want her to get in trouble....
Then he lied about calling her, lied about using a different phone, lied about saying he didnt want her to get in trouble.

So I guess I am saying that this kind of "friendship" is very difficult to break up. Even when the marriage seems to have improved, the sex is great, you are in MC... It is a long road. They really dont think they have crossed any boundaries if they havent had sex with them. I actually believe he hasnt.
nursejackie is offline  
post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 02:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 4,151
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Contact her boyfriend. Don't worry about him being abusive or having serious mental health issues. If he did, she wouldn't be poking the bear by badmouthing him to your husband. That's a typical ploy used to get a guy to feel sorry for her. Your husband is a piece of sh!t to be revealing your personal life to a one-time coworker.

Go silent, go strong, go deep and have him served. He has to earn your trust, again. You can't have 3 in a marriage.
Also, if you believe that a spouse's friend needs to be a friend of the marriage, you may want to call her and insist that you two are friends as well. Let her contemplate what a package deal your husband comes with.

Admittedly, I didn't do it with my first husband but I wish I had. I used to be a nice person.
NextTimeAround is offline  
post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 06:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,414
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
thank you all. He has not spoken to her since before Thanksgiving, and all communication is cut off. I deleted and blocked her # from his phone, and he has not spoken to her. We are still in counseling, and things are improving. He has told me that he does not want to talk to her because he is worried about us backsliding into old issues.
OK, let's hope he truly has shut down communication. Just understand there are other ways to keep the communication lines open. My ex showed me where she deleted a guy from her contacts, swore she would stop all communication, turned out he got a burner phone and she entered his new number under a woman's name in her contacts. Work is also an easy place for communication, you have no way of monitoring that.
Cooper is online now  
post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 32
Unfortunately, I spoke too soon. Last night he was texting her and calling her from 7:30 to 9 .
This isn't over.
emuna is offline  
post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:09 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,178
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
Unfortunately, I spoke too soon. Last night he was texting her and calling her from 7:30 to 9 .
This isn't over.
He was probably in contact with her all along but now feels enough time has elapsed to pacify you so he is back openly contacting her.If you gave him an ultimatum in November then it is time to act on it,ask him to leave and tell him you will be seeing a lawyer this week.If you didn't give him an ultimatum then now is the time to tell him to either stop contacting her or else leave.It is very important that you carry out your threats because otherwise he will walk over you.The disrespect he is showing you,his wife and mother of his children is enormous and in your shoes I would have acted at the start of this affair and that's what it is,an affair.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 32
Re: one-sided emotional affair

He was going to meet up with her for pizza, tells me it was a last minute thing they decided as she was leaving her boyfriend's moms house, but he says he never got around to meet up with her. So, that's that.
emuna is offline  
post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:56 PM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,677
Re: one-sided emotional affair

So, you're ok with your husband going on a date with her? Was he intending to invite you to go for pizza, too?
Blondilocks is offline  
post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 32
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
So, you're ok with your husband going on a date with her? Was he intending to invite you to go for pizza, too?

I honestly do not know if he was intending on inviting me, as he said it "was a last minute thing". And I was at home, 20 or so miles away. I'm so lost about all of this.
emuna is offline  
post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 03:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,178
Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
I honestly do not know if he was intending on inviting me, as he said it "was a last minute thing". And I was at home, 20 or so miles away. I'm so lost about all of this.
Ok now it's time to **** or get off the pot.You have to decide how you want him to treat you because up to now you have been letting him get away with murder.Ask him straight out are you both allowed to go on dates with other people because this meeting for pizza was a date.The fact that he says he never met up with her is bs,how will you ever know for sure.If there is one thing I have learned in my life it's that a woman can always get a man if she wants one for a one night stand while no matter how good looking a guy is he may strike out regularly.Put it to him that from now on every time he contacts her you will be on tinder the same day and if he meets her then you will meet someone the next night and he can babysit.
AND DO IT!!!
Andy1001 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife had an affair, positive comments only, please hurtingtechguy Coping with Infidelity 145 10-31-2016 09:04 AM
The Abuse Thread Blossom Leigh General Relationship Discussion 144 06-06-2016 04:16 PM
Emotional Affair: Pushing the Definition Mr The Other General Relationship Discussion 19 05-01-2016 07:57 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome