one-sided emotional affair - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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one-sided emotional affair

Ok, I'm not sure where to start with this or how to explain, but I'm new here and need some advice into my situation.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two kids. In August of this year, we entered into marriage counseling because of constant fighting and arguing going on, poor communication, etc.
So far, it's been going well.we are both happier with one another , of course it's not perfect but we're communicating better, things in our relationship are overall improved, including sexual. Anyways, here are my issues. Now, he has this female friend he's known for 6 years and has been in touch with on and off during this time.

He met her when he worked at the local casino. She was another employee. I have met her in person twice the whole time he's known her. He texts her and talks to her maybe a couple times a month (non sexual things) but they're long convos... a few days ago, it was a phone call that lasted AN HOUR. He called her when he was working. I've never quite felt ok with this relationship. But he swears up and down, sideways and backwards - THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS -NOTHING MORE! He does not want this woman even if we divorced, there is no dating potential.

He's never given me a reason to ever think they had a physical affair nor have they actually hung out together frequently. I'm pretty sure it's just emotional on HIS side. One sided. I spoke to her a couple of months ago and told her how I felt - she said it's silly about me thinking she is sleeping with him or has any romantic feelings since that's NOT happening. Ok I believe her. I bugged my husband's phone and recorded conversations to make absolutely sure they are telling the truth. Of course it is true with her, she doesn't seem to want him at all. BUT, here is my issue: I think my husband is the one that is developing feelings for her. All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend) He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant.

What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt.

They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.

I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose.

Last edited by emuna; 11-01-2016 at 12:22 PM. Reason: forgot to add details
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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Read the late Dr. Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends."
I suggest you ask your husband to read it as well.

He's at the top of what is a very steep and slippery slope.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 12:27 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

@emuna I am so sorry you had to come here. I unfortunately have experience in this topic, from the other side.

I agree with you that your H is having an emotional affair. He probably won't admit to "affair" because he is not sleeping with her. As the other poster said, Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it this weekend. Ask him to read it. It is the #1 book that can help you.

Their relationship is inappropriate. But you know that.

I want you to also google "limerence" or go to limerence.net - Home. Because of the emotions involves, and the dopamine induced feelings, a one-sided EA can be very difficult to break free from.

At this point, ignore his words. He will lie, or give you half truths. He may be in denial himself. Judge only by his actions. He must go No Contact with this former coworker.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 01:23 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

I clicked on this, because I've also been guilty of this. I was finally able to break my attraction to the other woman, but only after I admitted all of the depth of my feelings, and the level of betrayal to my wife that I was guilty of. The thing that worries me most in your post is where he calls her up to discuss the problems he has in his relationship. Until I was able to stop that and we both worked separately at solving our own committed relationships, there was some hope that we could find a way to be together (at least in my mind, I never told the Affair Partner my feelings toward her).

While it is good that he is being open with you about his contact with her, he needs to be shaken out of the fog. He needs to stop comparing you to her. He needs to work with you on solving the problems at home, and stop dreaming. Perhaps the book will do it. I haven't read it. Yes it is a dangerous position, but it doesn't have to be the end.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Thank you, I got the book "Not Just Friends" from Barnes and Noble.
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Should I send her a text explaining about the suspicions?
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 08:04 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

she knows what he is writing to her. if you can get her on your side she can shut him down quickly. you need to be sure she is on your side.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 08:20 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
Should I send her a text explaining about the suspicions?
You're not going to tell her about the bugged phone? I think that is a wrong move. Keep it secret for now.

@Mr. Nail Asking her is how she will be sure. If she denies that he likes her or that she has been feeling that vibe then maybe she isn't game. If she says, "Yeah, your H has been getting weird on me." Then you can coordinate with her.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 09:32 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
All he does is get on the phone and they both cry and complain about their significant others. (me and her current boyfriend)
Stop right there. That is a huge violation of marital boundaries. Whether or not an affair happens matters less than "intent". This is a conversational tool used to build connection by beating down others.

There needs to be a serious apology and immediate cessation to this... period.

Quote:


He's saying things like "I feel we are more compatible with each other than we are with our significant others" My jaw hit the floor and I am still in shock over what I heard. She was all like, "um yeah I guess so" Kind of hesitant.

What else he's doing during these conversations ? He's telling her things from my past that I'm not proud of NOR SHOULD IT BE HER BUSINESS. He's admitted to only marrying me because I got pregnant with my now 9 year old child and needed the insurance for maternity care. He never admits to her that he actually loves me. I've never heard that yet! He said that early in our dating relationship, there was an issue regarding my ex and our divorce proceedings then, and he said to her, "I wish I would have just stayed away from her". I'm hurt, very very hurt.
He is overblowing what he is saying. That said, he is still participating in that behavior.

Quote:

They were discussing her relationship at one point and my husband was heard comparing me to her dysfunctional boyfriend, saying "well maybe emuna and Toby should get together, they seem like a good match" and both kind of laughed. This guy is abusive and has some pretty serious mental health issues. I do not have these problems, I'm not sure why he would say hurtful things like that.

If you didn't two days ago, you do now.


Quote:
I think he's lying completely about his feelings and what he really wants. He's all lovey-dovey with me and says he loves me, treats me with care when he's not talking to her but he's admitting all this stuff to her and I AM SHOCKED. I DON'T KNOW how I can ever trust him or believe what he really is or how he really feels. I'm considering leaving him. We have so much to lose.
Possibly being overly nice to keep you from being suspicious.

He needs a reality check. Expose it all to him. Ask him to stop the behavior. Tell him you won't check on him. Then tell him you are taking time to yourself. He will make excuses. He will beg and plead. Wait until his desperation perfume wears off. He is being phony to her and you and you can't get forward momentum until the charade is over.

At the same time, do lend your hand to him if you see a possible future. You are just informing him that you will gladly love and receive his love as long as he honors standard marital boundaries. Let him choose his destiny 100%, and you make the weight of his decision that much heavier on his end.

Best,
RT
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

I explained to him what I was feeling and refuses to give up the "friendship" and his little girlfriend refuses also, saying to him that it's nuts I can even try to control who he is friends with. I'm at a loss.
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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

I have a strong sense of self....EGO. Hearing these words spoken to the EA partner would crush me.

It would crush me for about 5 minutes.

Then is would inflate me to 666 times my size.

Then I would calmly get my swans in order, talk to my attorney, get another place to live.

And then I would calmly hit the wayward spouse with the Divorce papers.

Most here would agree with most of what I said, except the moving out part. That will be your' choice. Me? My temper would get me a one-way ticket to Trouble City

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 03:02 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by emuna View Post
I explained to him what I was feeling and refuses to give up the "friendship" and his little girlfriend refuses also, saying to him that it's nuts I can even try to control who he is friends with. I'm at a loss.
They are calling your bluff. They have no respect for your feelings. If you fold now the relationship will move to the next phase, PA. I realize that you feel you have a lot to lose if you leave him. Unfortunately, leaving him is the only way you will get him back, if that was ever in the card for you.

Your husband is not in denial about his intentions. He is operating with the intent of getting into her pants. The OW may not be ready to unbuckle her belt just yet but is flattered by the attention. The only way you can shut this down right now is by showing him the divorce papers and actually filing. You can always rescind it if he come crawling back on his hand and knees but now is the time to put him in his place.

Be strong. Take control. Your life depends on it.
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

I'm not so sure how one-sided this is. She can say anything she wants to you to try to get you to think nothing's going on, but I think there is. Keep on monitoring them. You might want to consider a PI or use a VAR to get some answers.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 03:05 PM
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

Contact her boyfriend. Don't worry about him being abusive or having serious mental health issues. If he did, she wouldn't be poking the bear by badmouthing him to your husband. That's a typical ploy used to get a guy to feel sorry for her. Your husband is a piece of sh!t to be revealing your personal life to a one-time coworker.

Go silent, go strong, go deep and have him served. He has to earn your trust, again. You can't have 3 in a marriage.
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: one-sided emotional affair

By the way, I'm using Hoverwatch to monitor his phone activity. I recommend it for anyone here
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