Done yet? - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 05:22 AM Thread Starter
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Done yet?

I think I'm done.
My husband is an alcoholic.
I'm the depressed, crazy, jealous, insecure, controlling wife; or so he says. The depression part is true, I've been diagnosed and am undergoing treatment. Every day is still a struggle, but watching him poison his body every chance he gets doesn't make it much easier on me. I'm probably crazy, what woman isn't. I'm definitely jealous; I've gained weight since we've been together, when he checks out other girls I get frustrated. When I pour his vodka down the drain, I'm controlling.

I've tried so hard to make our relationship work. I don't think I can anymore. Every time he gags himself to make himself throw up so he'll feel better, I imagine burying him. I had a family member who died at the age of 46 from alcoholism, both of my grandfathers are alcoholics. I'm surrounded by it. I rarely ever drink because of this.

Friday, his coworker who was very near her due date had a stillbirth. I don't really know her, but being a woman I'm heartbroken for her. I don't understand her pain, I couldn't even begin to imagine it. My husband came home absolutely heartbroken and decided he was going to get trashed this weekend. He was "emotionally invested in this baby", he had planned on being the one to drive her to the hospital had her water broke at work. He pitched in and bought car seats for her. This doesn't bother me, but I wonder how he could have been so emotionally invested in this kid that isn't even his. We've only lived here for a year, so he's only known this woman about a year... He's devastated though. (We don't have kids, so I wonder if that had to do with it. I'm 24, he's about to be 26.)

I feel like it's an excuse for him to get sh*tfaced.

I love him with all of my heart... I just can't deal with his drinking anymore.
He asked me about 50 times tonight, how does his drinking affect me? Any answer I tried to give he would yell over me and ask again. I just stopped, tried to hold myself together with everything I had and yet all I could do was burst out in tears. I ran upstairs and tried to go to sleep.


What I'm here for, is to ask advice. How do I make this separation as painless as possible?
I know it's going to hurt, I know it's going to be hard, but it will be better than spending my entire life watching him slowly kill himself.

I don't have a job, I'm on disability from the USAF. I'm applying for jobs though, I have nothing tying me to this country, so I'm seriously thinking about buying a one way ticket to some other country. I know I have to get a work visa and save enough to be able to house myself while looking for work. I have my passport, I'm saving every penny of my disability.

What am I missing?
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 06:10 AM
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Re: Done yet?

The hardest part is to stop being responsible for him because part of love is nurture. Biological instinct for most. As you are concentrating on him and reacting to his alcholism, you have neglected yourself. You cannot fix someone that does not want to be help. But,, you can save yourself from spiraling even further down the rabbit hole by removing yourself far from him as best as you can. Did he show signs of alcoholism and you married him anyways? People have a natural tendency to find people they are comfortable with. You grew around alcholics, you have a higher chance of dating one or becoming one yourself.

So, focus on healing, boundaries, leaving when red flags start falling like confetti, find financial stability, work on your health and is part of your depression linked to your marriage or is it the main source in response? Work out if walking is only possible.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 06:24 AM
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Re: Done yet?

Did you start school in August?
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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I do think my depression has a lot to do with my marriage.

Yes, I did start college in August. I took 4 classes and around mid October I became overwhelmed and had a mental breakdown and ended up admitted to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. After that I couldn't bring myself to go back to class. All I wanted to do was sleep, I still do.

I'm trying my hardest to get myself out of this situation. I've realized that being stuck in this house, living with this man who chooses alcohol over me every single day isn't a life. This man who before we got married treated me like a queen...
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: Done yet?

Sounds like he's having at least an EA.

Tell him to get his gf to take him in.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 05:21 AM
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Re: Done yet?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sissylo View Post
(We don't have kids....
Get out now while the going is good. I'm dead serious. Get out now.

Quote:
I have nothing tying me to this country, so I'm seriously thinking about buying a one way ticket to some other country. I know I have to get a work visa and save enough to be able to house myself while looking for work. I have my passport, I'm saving every penny of my disability.
I think this particular plan would be great sometime in the future. But for now, it would take far too long and you'd end up becoming complacent and slip right back into this hell again.

Keep saving, get your ducks in a row, polish up your resume and start some serious job searching. The sooner you're financially independent, the sooner you will have more options to make the decisions you need to make. And for the love of ALL that's holy, do NOT get pregnant!

Quote:
What am I missing?
A shot at a DECENT life, if you don't leave.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:01 PM
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Re: Done yet?

What I currently know about Alcoholics is that they do not change for the better even if they STOP drinking UNLESS the underlying forces that are bothering them are exposed and dealt with - usually in some kind of therapy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sissylo View Post
I think I'm done.
Honestly, there isn't much anyone can do for or with an Alcoholic if they are not going to go for help and very few of them ever do! Since you have no kids for this to damage, I'd save up some money and then LEAVE.

Quote:
I'm the depressed, crazy, jealous, insecure, controlling wife; or so he says. The depression part is true, I've been diagnosed and am undergoing treatment. Every day is still a struggle, but watching him poison his body every chance he gets doesn't make it much easier on me. I'm probably crazy, what woman isn't. I'm definitely jealous; I've gained weight since we've been together, when he checks out other girls I get frustrated. When I pour his vodka down the drain, I'm controlling.
You cannot WIN with drunks! If they are intelligent, they can and will use Denial and Delusion to make their victims feel guilty, bad, stupid, mean, WRONG, etc. Even when they stop drinking, they are IMPOSSIBLE to live with so long as their inner daemons have not been faced and fixed.

Quote:
I rarely ever drink because of this.
I'd suggest that you don't drink at all!

Quote:
(We don't have kids, so I wonder if that had to do with it.) I feel like it's an excuse for him to get sh*tfaced.
You and perhaps even a therapist may NEVER understand what is driving him but he absolutely has to either understand what is driving himself or at least quit drinking!

Quote:
What I'm here for, is to ask advice.
My advice - give him a serious ultimatum - therapy or divorce - and then prepare to LEAVE! because he will most likely laugh at the idea of "therapy"!

Quote:
How do I make this separation as painless as possible? I know it's going to hurt, I know it's going to be hard, but it will be better than spending my entire life watching him slowly kill himself.
Toss a coin! His feeling or yours? His way or your way? His pain or your pain? Who's pain matters the most here and why?

Quote:
What am I missing?
The courage to do what is RIGHT!
You already know that the chances of him doing what's right are almost 0, so that just leaves doing what's right for your self and all that's stopping you is FEAR!
My 2nd wife got up the guts to LEAVE her alcoholic husband and I got up the guts to LEAVE my alcoholic wife and then, once free of our two very sick alcoholics, we both made a wonderful, happy and thrilling alcohol FREE life together! It took us a while to get up the guts to LEAVE but we never looked back!
Sadly, my 2nd wife's two girls are both "functional" ALCOHOLICS!
good luck...........

choose happiness
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