What I currently know about Alcoholics is that they do not change for the better even if they STOP drinking UNLESS the underlying forces that are bothering them are exposed and dealt with - usually in some kind of therapy.
Honestly, there isn't much anyone can do for or with an Alcoholic if they are not going to go for help and very few of them ever do! Since you have no kids for this to damage, I'd save up some money and then LEAVE.
I'm the depressed, crazy, jealous, insecure, controlling wife; or so he says. The depression part is true, I've been diagnosed and am undergoing treatment. Every day is still a struggle, but watching him poison his body every chance he gets doesn't make it much easier on me. I'm probably crazy, what woman isn't. I'm definitely jealous; I've gained weight since we've been together, when he checks out other girls I get frustrated. When I pour his vodka down the drain, I'm controlling.
You cannot WIN with drunks! If they are intelligent, they can and will use Denial and Delusion to make their victims feel guilty, bad, stupid, mean, WRONG, etc. Even when they stop drinking, they are IMPOSSIBLE to live with so long as their inner daemons have not been faced and fixed.
I rarely ever drink because of this.
I'd suggest that you don't drink at all!
(We don't have kids, so I wonder if that had to do with it.) I feel like it's an excuse for him to get sh*tfaced.
You and perhaps even a therapist may NEVER understand what is driving him but he absolutely has to either understand what is driving himself or at least quit drinking
What I'm here for, is to ask advice.
My advice - give him a serious ultimatum - therapy or divorce - and then prepare to LEAVE! because he will most likely laugh at the idea of "therapy"!
How do I make this separation as painless as possible? I know it's going to hurt, I know it's going to be hard, but it will be better than spending my entire life watching him slowly kill himself.
Toss a coin! His feeling or yours? His way or your way? His pain or your pain? Who's pain matters the most here and why?
What am I missing?
The courage to do what is RIGHT!
You already know that the chances of him doing what's right are almost 0, so that just leaves doing what's right for your self and all that's stopping you is FEAR!
My 2nd wife got up the guts to LEAVE her alcoholic husband and I got up the guts to LEAVE my alcoholic wife and then, once free of our two very sick alcoholics, we both made a wonderful, happy and thrilling alcohol FREE life together! It took us a while to get up the guts to LEAVE but we never looked back!
Sadly, my 2nd wife's two girls are both "functional" ALCOHOLICS!