Husband's Porn Addiction - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Maybe you can make him feel less guilty about porn and masturbating - within limits. You could make a clear distinction: masturbating to porn at home IF you are not available for sex is fine. Whatever porn he wants to watch is fine - its a fantasy. Its completely normal for guys to masturbate if they can't have sex with their partners.

Then you can draw a clear line that anything outside and certainly anything involving other people is absolutely not OK. Watching porn then turning you down is absolutely not OK.

I stay completely away from the 3-some idea. That is risky even in a happy sexual relationship, its a potential disaster in one with problems. If you bring in another man, could you feel OK with your husband being intimate with him? Just give a clear "no" to this one.
Totally agree with you. If that were to happen I'm not sure if he would be intimate with the other man. It's more of a sub thing with me than anything else. I showed interest in it once and he thought I'd be interested in a threesome...nope. Lol
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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
I don't know any success stories with couples that suffer from a sex addiction in one partner.
My husband is a sex addict and is in recovery. He hasn't acted out now in over 6 years. Our story link is in my signature.

coffee4evr92, YOU cannot do anything to 'fix' him. He is the ONLY one who can do it.

If he is serious about recovery, there are two things he MUST do. Both of these need to be dealbreakers for you.
1) He must see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist), and
2) he must attend a 12 step group

He can find a therapist here
https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

and he can start his research on 12 step groups here
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...step-group-you

It's important he find not only the right program, but also the right group within that program.

You will note that I talk about HIM doing all of these things. You cannot. The only thing you can do is tell him that the marriage is over unless he does both of these things, and keeps at them for how ever many years it takes. If you are not willing to end the marriage, he *might* still do what he needs to, but it's unlikely. Like any addict, he has to hit rock bottom. And this usually means they have to lose something important (ie YOU). If you are not willing to do what YOU need to (ie divorce) then you might as well just quit now, because nothing's going to change.

This is NOT a one shot deal. He doesn't get to see a therapist once and go to one group and think he's done his part.

You need to realize that unless he does these things, he WILL continue to act out. He will say that he won't, he will PROMISE he's done and will never do it again, yadda yadda, but without help he CANNOT stop himself.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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My husband is a sex addict and is in recovery. He hasn't acted out now in over 6 years. Our story link is in my signature.

coffee4evr92, YOU cannot do anything to 'fix' him. He is the ONLY one who can do it.

If he is serious about recovery, there are two things he MUST do. Both of these need to be dealbreakers for you.
1) He must see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist), and
2) he must attend a 12 step group

He can find a therapist here
https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

and he can start his research on 12 step groups here
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...step-group-you

It's important he find not only the right program, but also the right group within that program.

You will note that I talk about HIM doing all of these things. You cannot. The only thing you can do is tell him that the marriage is over unless he does both of these things, and keeps at them for how ever many years it takes. If you are not willing to end the marriage, he *might* still do what he needs to, but it's unlikely. Like any addict, he has to hit rock bottom. And this usually means they have to lose something important (ie YOU). If you are not willing to do what YOU need to (ie divorce) then you might as well just quit now, because nothing's going to change.

This is NOT a one shot deal. He doesn't get to see a therapist once and go to one group and think he's done his part.

You need to realize that unless he does these things, he WILL continue to act out. He will say that he won't, he will PROMISE he's done and will never do it again, yadda yadda, but without help he CANNOT stop himself.
I totally agree with you. I've tried to help him, be an open ear to him and not condemn him for his actions and make him feel worse about what he's done but I've let him off too many times now. There needs to be more of an effort by him in order for me to stay. I've already thought about who I would stay with if I felt a separation was needed to make him realize that I'm serious. He actually had a dream the other night that I moved back to our home state but didn't divorce him. And I've had multiple dreams the past few weeks that he's cheated. Not sure how much of a coincidence that is. I think when I talk to him and tell him that detail that it'll hit home for him. I will check out those links. There's also some places nearby us I'm going to check out. Thank you for sharing your success story. I know it's not impossible for a full recovery. That's why I'm hanging on.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Originally Posted by coffee4evr92 View Post
I totally agree with you. I've tried to help him, be an open ear to him and not condemn him for his actions and make him feel worse about what he's done but I've let him off too many times now. There needs to be more of an effort by him in order for me to stay. I've already thought about who I would stay with if I felt a separation was needed to make him realize that I'm serious. He actually had a dream the other night that I moved back to our home state but didn't divorce him. And I've had multiple dreams the past few weeks that he's cheated. Not sure how much of a coincidence that is. I think when I talk to him and tell him that detail that it'll hit home for him. I will check out those links. There's also some places nearby us I'm going to check out. Thank you for sharing your success story. I know it's not impossible for a full recovery. That's why I'm hanging on.
Did you not read what I wrote??? HE needs to check out the links I posted, not you. HIM. HE needs to do all these things. HE needs to check out the places nearby. NOT YOU. All you do is tell him that if he doesn't see a CSAT and attend a 12 step group, you WILL divorce him.

And you, I think, need to read up on co-dependence and get yourself some help in that regard.

I posted my story for you to see what a sex addict who REALLY wants to recover looks like. And it does NOT look like your husband right now.

You also have GOT to be willing to divorced, and he needs to KNOW you are. a 'separation' doesn't mean squat if you aren't willing to cut the cord and divorce him.

Right now I don't see him changing at all. He's going to tell you what you want to hear and do what you tell him to, attending whatever appointments you make for him, until you stop insisting any more, then he'll just keep doing what he's been doing. You KNOW what he's doing - he's cheating on you. A LOT.

Have you been tested for STD's?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

Putting aside the porn and whatever might be going on at the adult book store for the moment (not that that isn't potentially very serious).

Are you able to have a open conversation with him about his and your kinks / interests? Could the whole 3-some thing be his misunderstanding of your interests? (probably not)


Quote:
Originally Posted by coffee4evr92 View Post
Totally agree with you. If that were to happen I'm not sure if he would be intimate with the other man. It's more of a sub thing with me than anything else. I showed interest in it once and he thought I'd be interested in a threesome...nope. Lol
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Did you not read what I wrote??? HE needs to check out the links I posted, not you. HIM. HE needs to do all these things. HE needs to check out the places nearby. NOT YOU. All you do is tell him that if he doesn't see a CSAT and attend a 12 step group, you WILL divorce him.

And you, I think, need to read up on co-dependence and get yourself some help in that regard.

I posted my story for you to see what a sex addict who REALLY wants to recover looks like. And it does NOT look like your husband right now.

You also have GOT to be willing to divorced, and he needs to KNOW you are. a 'separation' doesn't mean squat if you aren't willing to cut the cord and divorce him.

Right now I don't see him changing at all. He's going to tell you what you want to hear and do what you tell him to, attending whatever appointments you make for him, until you stop insisting any more, then he'll just keep doing what he's been doing. You KNOW what he's doing - he's cheating on you. A LOT.

Have you been tested for STD's?
Umm yes, I'm going to look at them and give them to him...
I'm getting tested this month.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Putting aside the porn and whatever might be going on at the adult book store for the moment (not that that isn't potentially very serious).

Are you able to have a open conversation with him about his and your kinks / interests? Could the whole 3-some thing be his misunderstanding of your interests? (probably not)
Yes we are able to have those talks. We have them from time to time. I believe it was a misunderstanding. I had surprised him with how kinky I was getting with some new ideas and he thought I'd be willing to do that but I'm not. Now he's brought it up a couple times since he first brought it up.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 09:14 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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I'm not sure of his intentions of going to the boutique. I'm sure it gives him a thrill. If it's homosexual porn? It could be. Whether he's going there for more than that he's never fessed up about. If that is his reason I know he's still fighting it because he's never done anything. That I do know.
I'm sorry but you are SO in denial.

He's not going there for gay PORN, he's going there for gay ACTIVITY.

My husband is heterosexual. He likes porn, but he throws up in his mouth when we pass the adult 'book store' because he knows what's really going on in there, and it ain't a bunch of men buying porn magazines. It's a bunch of guys engaging in various sexual acts behind the curtains of their little video rooms. That's about the last thing most truly heterosexual men want to SEE and about the last thing they'd get a 'thrill' from - going to an adult boutique where guys are going at it with each other behind the curtains.

And unless you've accompanied him each and EVERY time to this place and attached yourself to his hip so he wouldn't be able to sneak away from you for even 20 seconds, then you DON'T know with 100% certainty that he's never done anything in there.

You DON'T know.

But you must suspect because you've agreed to be STD tested.

Smart decision.

A smarter one would be to drop-kick his cheating ass to the curb.
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

I will try to offer a man's perspective on this very serious issue......
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BUT... his porn addiction on the other hand... it still has a big hold on him and he keeps going to this adult boutique/theater down the road. And the fact it has glory holes worries me all the more.
Not sure what "glory holes" are but suspect it has something to do with his penis?

Quote:
and I'm going to talk to him about it and tell him we need to do counseling or therapy.
I totally agree because, as with alcohol or drug addictions, the sinister UNDERLYING causes and drivers have to be seen and dealt with - ASAP.
Quote:
So basically going to tell him we go through counseling and it's either me and our daughter or his perverted addiction. He can't have both anymore.
You are absolutely correct about such a demand/threat since most addicts cannot and will not stop their addictions WITHOUT a very strong motivation along with at least a little therapy to understand what is DRIVING them.
Quote:
I want to hear your thoughts about this type of addiction and any success stories.
OK, I was just a little bit hooked on porn and, due to therapy in 12 step support groups, I knew how to HONESTLY examine my motivations for sitting at the computer late at night rather than in bed with my wonderful, sexy wife. It became clear to me that porn was giving me something I couldn't get in our marriage and the thrills and excitement were easily obtainable ON DEMAND. (a quick fix!) As I realized how much this was hurting my otherwise very patient wife and our relationship, I decided to STOP using porn as a quick and easy FIX and stay with whatever thrills and excitement we could find together. Also, I had somehow developed Erectile Dysfunction and hoped that Porn would revitalize my "tool" so I used porn as a source of new and exciting techniques some of which made our sex life even better than ever.
Things never got so bad that we needed Counseling but I never did figure out what happened with the Erectile Dysfunction nor exactly what porn was doing for me other than providing something that was not present in our otherwise wonderful marriage (with no kids).
I am presently convinced that, if we had gone into counseling, some of the UNDERLYING truths and issues might have emerged. I can see that, had I done a little deeper digging into my own hidden motivations and TALKED OPENLY with my wife, some if not all of whatever was forcing me to turn to Porn would have come out and then maybe my Erection could have returned!?!
If I had to say it in simple terms, I believe I was just a little AFRAID of my wife but didn't have to FEAR what I found with Porn! I was and still am very happy with my late wife, who crossed over back in May, but something was allowing Porn to be EASIER and MORE fun (less threatening) than our "real" sex life! This may be about maturity or courage more than simply lust or "quick fixes".
My wife was NOT a fearful, nagging tyrant but I somehow felt either afraid of her or was in some kind of SHAME bind???? Just writing of this hurts and I wish now that we had either gone to a counselor or spent some serious time TALKING ABOUT our "issues". We were so good together than neither of us wanted to rock the boat by TALKING ABOUT certain things and now that she's gone over, I can see how I allowed our marriage to become a sort of Codependent Trap!
I had done enough therapy to know how and why to TALK ABOUT troubling stuff but somehow fell back into the sickening safety of NOT talking so she wouldn't get UPSET. We both had done 12 step therapy so there was no sensible excuse NOT TO talk about troubling things!
We just swept a lot of stuff under the rug but I won't use that as an excuse to turn to Porn or any other thing. The hidden and secret causes of my Porn solutions are still somewhat of a mystery for me but I believe it's all connected to early childhood fears and issues with my mother and little sister! Therapy and/or counseling might have opened up the UNDERLYING causes to help both of us back then but it's too late now! Perhaps I can work on this with another partner - should one come along???????

Quote:
Side note: About a year or so ago he told me he read up on what women want sex wise but won't admit to and one of them was a threesome and now he just can't seem to shake the fantasy. And I absolutely refuse. It's the same as cheating if you ask me. No. No. No! Ugh...
IMO, he is saying that he will feel SAFER with someone else there! I believe he, like me, has some kind of safety and fear/shame issues surrounding intimacy and sex so do go see a professional or get into a Codependency support group to EXAMINE what is driving to turn to Porn for a SAFER satisfaction of his sexual needs.

choose happiness
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:42 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Oh, on success rates. When he hits his 50's he will snap out of this. Father Time will wack his wayward hand and his immoral and loose computer mouse.
Yes, in his 50's low testosterone, and ED will result in little to no interest in pornography, and sex in general.

So, it's a lose/lose scenario for the wife either way.
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