Husband's Porn Addiction - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Husband's Porn Addiction

So long story short, my husband and I have been married for 4 years, together 5, we've always had a great relationship. It wasn't until our first Christmas together as a married couple (yay!!....) and only 4 months married at that that I found out that he had a flirting and porn addiction. I also made the mistake and going back and reading super old Facebook messages of his and let's just say he has a colorful past. (Before us getting together) But 4 years later I THINK we've gotten rid of his flirting addiction... I've stopped going through his phone because of the awkwardness of having to ask and the guilt for doing it in secret and then having to confront him about my findings. So judging by that I think we're in the clear. Also because I haven't seen suspicious texts at random times from unknown numbers that pop up at night. BUT... his porn addiction on the other hand... it still has a big hold on him and he keeps going to this adult boutique/theater down the road. And the fact it has glory holes worries me all the more. He says he's never used them but has been tempted. All the reason to worry more. I know he would never mindfully cheat on me but I understand that when an addiction has its hold on you it can be hard to resist. But I recently found out that he went to that theater a couple weeks ago and I'm going to talk to him about it and tell him we need to do counseling or therapy. We have a daughter now and I'm tired of worrying and feeling bitter every time this happens. And quite frankly of being betrayed and constantly losing any trust in him that I've regained. So basically going to tell him we go through counseling and it's either me and our daughter or his perverted addiction. He can't have both anymore. I was hoping by the time she was born that this would be over. It's definitely not worth getting divorced. I believe with all my heart we can get through this so if that's going to be your comment, don't bother. I want to hear your thoughts about this type of addiction and any success stories.

Side note: About a year or so ago he told me he read up on what women want sex wise but won't admit to and one of them was a threesome and now he just can't seem to shake the fantasy. And I absolutely refuse. It's the same as cheating if you ask me. No. No. No! Ugh...
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 08:42 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

No, no, no! Ugh...no, Hgu. Hgu a dyslectic way of spelling Hug. A spell check that went awry.

The Spell that he is under needs no check off. He has checked out of Normality, Indiana.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......................
Oh, on success rates. When he hits his 50's he will snap out of this. Father Time will wack his wayward hand and his immoral and loose computer mouse.

Only he knows when he is going to snap out of this.

A male's perspective.....not a great one. Keep his sack empty. He cannot have his ham sandwich in the dark with no mayonnaise.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
No, no, no! Ugh...no, Hgu. Hgu a dyslectic way of spelling Hug. A spell check that went awry.

The Spell that he is under needs no check off. He has checked out of Normality, Indiana.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .......................
Oh, on success rates. When he hits his 50's he will snap out of this. Father Time will wack his wayward hand and his immoral and loose computer mouse.

Only he knows when he is going to snap out of this.

A male's perspective.....not a great one. Keep his sack empty. He cannot have his ham sandwich in the dark with no mayonnaise.
lol thanks.. far as the ham sandwich with no mayo... I've tried a few fantasy ideas in the past and it never changed anything. We were never the couple that hit the sheets every day. I guess because of his work schedule and also probably because he's a few years older than me and already hit his "peak" of sexual hunger I guess. *shrug* Even when I offer a lot of times he's not in the mood. (Probly from watching too much porn) And now just having a baby its more of a challenge. Lol
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:30 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

Choice is a wonderful thing... there is so much you have in this.

Him too...

"Husband, if you allow this to control you I will have to decide our future for us... you cannot allow this to take the place of our relationship. If you choose this over your family's best interest, I will do what is best for the best interest of the family. Help is a choice you need to make for us, and if you choose not to, there is no us".

Boundaries are your friend... you can't make him do anything, that is not in your control. What you can do is show him the path should he not make good choices.

Walk your path, be mindful of you and your daughter.

ps. if you are not into it, it shouldn't happen... his interests are for only himself and are not in your best, so if it doesn't feel right, it is for a reason.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:45 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

I get that you are going to tell him that he needs to go to counseling.... but what if he says something like he doesn't think he needs counseling, or can't afford it, or some other excuse? What then?

You said this isn't something to get divorced over. So what happens if he doesn't really address the issue, so says he will....and then who knows if he really does, or if it stops for a while and then just starts up again?

It sounds like there really isn't any consequence for him not following your plan/idea/guide (whatever).

I think Emerging Buddhist is saying the same thing. You have to figure out what YOU will do, if he chooses poorly.

I hope he values his family enough to make changes that HE needs to make.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 10:02 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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I think Emerging Buddhist is saying the same thing.
He is...
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 10:05 PM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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I want to hear your thoughts about this type of addiction and any success stories..
Addictions can't be treated unless the patient desires treatment and a cure.

There's nothing you've said about him that leads me to believe he feels that way at all.

I don't know any success stories with couples that suffer from a sex addiction in one partner.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 05:11 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

Lordy.

A 'flirting' addiction? Is that the latest nonsense 'addiction' women are now blaming their husbands' crappy behavior on? Because you know, God forbid you could just call sh*tty behavior out for what it IS - sh*tty behavior. Easier to blame it on some trumped-up 'addiction,' I guess.

And for his 'porn addiction,' nobody has to go down to the corner porn shop anymore to see porn. There's enough free porn on the internet to keep him busy in his 'addiction' for the next 20 years, non-stop. He's going to the local porn shop alright, but NOT for porn.

Maybe you're not aware of it, but 'adult book stores' are notorious for their homosexual activity. Closeted gays and bisexuals and supposed heterosexual men on the 'down low' go there all the time for the activity, not the magazines, toys or videos. The fact that your adult store has 'glory holes' doesn't surprise me at ALL since that's what these places are known for.

He's using the lame excuse of 'porn addiction' so he can go down to the local porn shop and engage in sex with the other patrons there, not because he's 'addicted' and is looking at porn there. He can get that for free at home. Jeez.

You can drag him to all the therapists in the world, it ain't gonna change the fact that he's clearly bisexual. Let me guess - did his supposed comment about women secretly 'wanting a threesome' include another male? I wouldn't be surprised at all.

The chances that he's not engaging in any homosexual activity are slim to none. If I were you, I'd be insisting on STD testing for BOTH of you. You can laugh at this post all you want, but you're going to find out one day - and it could be years from now - that I'm right.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 05:28 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

The threesome thing - if it wasn't that it would be something else. Even if you went down that route to satisfy his curiosity there would be a new thing that has caught his imagination. Also you are right in not going through his technology for evidence as it will drive you crazy and it is so easy to hide things that it is probably a pointless thing to do.

Definitely counseling as he needs to work out what is missing or why he is self-soothing (as with all addicts it never, ever gets better until you get to the heart of the problem). It is not you it is something broken in him. I can guarantee that something has happened to make him feel 'less than' at some point in his childhood and the fantasy that porn can deliver will be making him feel good about himself (except the good feeling only lasts for a moment and the guilt and depression hits home). There is something about porn that also makes people feel in control. In real life everything is rather unpredictable, even in our marriages. When using porn you are absolutely in control of the pleasure and to a certain extent it is a guaranteed pleasure. Being in control is self-soothing in itself. In some people it is a form of OCD which often is attributed to CPTSD.

Also, the big allure of porn is that it is sometimes seen as 'naughty' or taboo. If you talk about porn in an angry or negative way it is more likely to contribute to that excitement. Why not try talking about porn in a neutral way (I know it is hard when you are hurting but it does help). Avoid shaming tactics because it will just encourage him to self-sooth and hide what he is doing - much better out in the open. Perhaps you can come to an agreement that when he uses porn he can talk to you about it without judgement, why he needed it, what he was feeling before hand, what he saw that made him feel good. I know it sounds counter intuitive but it does work.

Last edited by peacem; 12-05-2016 at 05:47 AM.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 05:54 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

It wasn't a mistake to go back and read all the old FB messages. Through them, you learned the truth. Ignorance is not bliss.

I think you don't go through his phone anymore, because you're scared of what you might find.

Shesstillgotit made a great point about the theater visits. Porn is easily obtainable online; as are adult boutiques. There's no legit reason for him to go there.

Too bad you went ahead and had a kid with guy who visits a sex theater with glory holes.

You wanna go to counseling? Does he? As stated upthread, people only change their behaviors when they see a good enough reason to do so.

If divorce is not an option; you're stuck with whatever he decides to do, and however he decides to treat you.

A threesome---especially in marriage---is the best way possible to say, "you're not enough for me, I need someone else to make sex really exciting".

Don't have any more kids. Focus on caring for your completely dependent daughter.
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:15 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

People who want porn can find anything they might possible want on the internet. If he has any privacy at home and is still going to an adult video place it is likely that he is looking for more than videos. When I see that combined with his suggesting an (I assume) MMF threesome, I start to think he is at least bisexual.


If you can talk to him, and want to try to make this work, I suggest:

Porn at home is OK as long as it is never replacing you. If he starts watching porn and turning you down for sex, that is a huge problem.

Porn outside, anything involving other people is absolutely not OK ever.

If you don't want a 3-some (and the great majority of people don't), then make that clear.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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It wasn't a mistake to go back and read all the old FB messages. Through them, you learned the truth. Ignorance is not bliss.

I think you don't go through his phone anymore, because you're scared of what you might find.

Shesstillgotit made a great point about the theater visits. Porn is easily obtainable online; as are adult boutiques. There's no legit reason for him to go there.

Too bad you went ahead and had a kid with guy who visits a sex theater with glory holes.

You wanna go to counseling? Does he? As stated upthread, people only change their behaviors when they see a good enough reason to do so.

If divorce is not an option; you're stuck with whatever he decides to do, and however he decides to treat you.

A threesome---especially in marriage---is the best way possible to say, "you're not enough for me, I need someone else to make sex really exciting".

Don't have any more kids. Focus on caring for your completely dependent daughter.

No I actually don't go through his phone anymore because it made me feel like crap. Why look through it when I already know what's on it anyway?

And yes, he's open to counseling. That's the whole reason I'm telling him we need to go through with it.

I'm not sure of his intentions of going to the boutique. I'm sure it gives him a thrill. If it's homosexual porn? It could be. Whether he's going there for more than that he's never fessed up about. If that is his reason I know he's still fighting it because he's never done anything. That I do know.

Maybe I should have clarified. Divorce isn't an option until we've tried everything to help him get better. If he never gets better then I'm not staying.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

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People who want porn can find anything they might possible want on the internet. If he has any privacy at home and is still going to an adult video place it is likely that he is looking for more than videos. When I see that combined with his suggesting an (I assume) MMF threesome, I start to think he is at least bisexual.


If you can talk to him, and want to try to make this work, I suggest:

Porn at home is OK as long as it is never replacing you. If he starts watching porn and turning you down for sex, that is a huge problem.

Porn outside, anything involving other people is absolutely not OK ever.

If you don't want a 3-some (and the great majority of people don't), then make that clear.
Yes, that's another thing I was going to mention in my last reply. He was open to however 'I' wanted the threesome. Another female or male. Personally I'd rather have male because I'd beat a woman if he ever touched him. Lol. He can easily slip into the bathroom and do the deed if he wants. But I'm pretty sure there's a guilty conscience there so he doesn't do it while I'm home.
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:45 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

Porn at home is one thing. Unless it's interfering with his/your sex life and life in general, should not be an issue.

Adult theaters? No. I would get yourself (and him) tested for STD's. Why would anyone go to an adult theater when there is plenty of porn on the internet (at least that's what a friend told me ) unless it was to hook up?
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:47 AM
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Re: Husband's Porn Addiction

Maybe you can make him feel less guilty about porn and masturbating - within limits. You could make a clear distinction: masturbating to porn at home IF you are not available for sex is fine. Whatever porn he wants to watch is fine - its a fantasy. Its completely normal for guys to masturbate if they can't have sex with their partners.

Then you can draw a clear line that anything outside and certainly anything involving other people is absolutely not OK. Watching porn then turning you down is absolutely not OK.

I stay completely away from the 3-some idea. That is risky even in a happy sexual relationship, its a potential disaster in one with problems. If you bring in another man, could you feel OK with your husband being intimate with him? Just give a clear "no" to this one.




Quote:
Originally Posted by coffee4evr92 View Post
Yes, that's another thing I was going to mention in my last reply. He was open to however 'I' wanted the threesome. Another female or male. Personally I'd rather have male because I'd beat a woman if he ever touched him. Lol. He can easily slip into the bathroom and do the deed if he wants. But I'm pretty sure there's a guilty conscience there so he doesn't do it while I'm home.
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