Is she right? - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
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Is she right?

My wife says there is nothing wrong with having a drink every once in awhile. We have been married twenty years. We have four children the oldest is my wife's little sister who we have raised. Their mother is an alcoholic and addict. When we were young my wife likes to party she had to be the last one at the party always needed one more drink. As we had children that behavior got fewer and farther between. Still on most occasions when we would break from from parenting I would end up going home alone because she wasn't ready to stop the party when I was. She began drinking wine at home not in terrible excess but still consistent. She demands that she has the right to drink so much that she began hiding it and lieing about it to myself and our children. I refuse to go out with her because I can not relax and enjoy waiting for her to trample past boundaries. She says I pushed her to this behavior by being controlling of her drinking. I refuse to live a life where our children and I are second to her need to drink. She refuses to make the gesture of trying to be sober because she says she has the right to drink she is an adult. Neither one of us will budge and the fighting about it is tearing at our children and destroying our family. She doesn't get drunk and since I don't go out with her she hasn't been out in awhile and says that is her gesture. I would love to be married to a woman that can have a drink with me and enjoy a nice night. I am fearful that if she can not choose now to be sober at home for us how will she ever reach a point that I can trust that she will come home with her husband when we go out. 6 of the past seven years I traveled to Alaska to work to make decent money and provide a good life. I have been home for a just over a year struggling with her back pain and Percocet abuse. I believe she is 6 weeks clean after laser spine surgery. We still struggle as a family to get her out of bed before noon and to get her to not demand her drinks. Am I asking too much of her? Is her refusal to stop drinking a problem even if a drink or two is socially acceptable?
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: Is she right?

You haven't really shown any negatives to her drinking except that you don't like it. In fact, you state that she doesn't even get drunk. Unless you can share some specific, harmful behavior she displays while drinking, I'd say you are a control freak.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:44 AM
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Re: Is she right?

I guess you have to clarify what the issue is.

Is her drinking unacceptable to you but possible reasonable to someone looking in?

Can she actually have 1-2 drinks and top or does 1-2 drinks lead to total inebriation?

Do you drink?

Do you have alcoholism in your family that may affect your view of alcohol?

Has she ever quit drinking?

Has she ever sough professional help? Have you?
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 09:52 AM
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Re: Is she right?

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Originally Posted by Derrick727 View Post
My wife says there is nothing wrong with having a drink every once in awhile. That is true. However, I do not classify your wife's level of drinking as "once in a while." We have been married twenty years. We have four children the oldest is my wife's little sister who we have raised. Their mother is an alcoholic and addict. When we were young my wife likes to party she had to be the last one at the party always needed one more drink. As we had children that behavior got fewer and farther between. Still on most occasions when we would break from from parenting I would end up going home alone because she wasn't ready to stop the party when I was. She began drinking wine at home not in terrible excess but still consistent. She demands that she has the right to drink so much that she began hiding it and lieing about it to myself and our children. I refuse to go out with her because I can not relax and enjoy waiting for her to trample past boundaries. She says I pushed her to this behavior by being controlling of her drinking. This is a lie. Do not even think of giving into this excuse. I refuse to live a life where our children and I are second to her need to drink. She refuses to make the gesture of trying to be sober because she says she has the right to drink she is an adult. Nobody has the RIGHT to inflict her shameful behavior on her spouse and children. Neither one of us will budge and the fighting about it is tearing at our children and destroying our family.It is not the fight that is tearing your family apart. Your wife is doing this all by her self. She doesn't get drunk and since I don't go out with her she hasn't been out in awhile and says that is her gesture. I would love to be married to a woman that can have a drink with me and enjoy a nice night. I am fearful that if she can not choose now to be sober at home for us how will she ever reach a point that I can trust that she will come home with her husband when we go out. 6 of the past seven years I traveled to Alaska to work to make decent money and provide a good life. I have been home for a just over a year struggling with her back pain and Percocet abuse. I believe she is 6 weeks clean after laser spine surgery. I would not count on it. She is probably hiding a stash somewhere. We still struggle as a family to get her out of bed before noon This is irresponsible behavior as a wife and a parent. and to get her to not demand her drinks. Am I asking too much of her? NO! Is her refusal to stop drinking a problem even if a drink or two is socially acceptable? Not leaving the party with her husband and always being the last to leave is not socially acceptable behavior.
I am very sorry for your situation. Your wife is a drunk and an addict. I suggest a family intervention. Not an informal little talk but a full blown one complete with a professional mediator and written letters. She needs to understand the pain she is causing her family. Arrange for an institutional treatment. You have my prayer.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:03 AM
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Re: Is she right?

If she has a percocet problem, it's very likely she abuses other substances as well, possibly including alcohol. Assume she is seeing a support group to combat her percocet problem?
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Not a control freak. The issue used to be that when we would drink I would get to my nice intoxicated zone and before I crossed a line I knew it was time to go. I always have felt that whether it was me or her that was ready, when your in a relationship you respect that and go home with the person you showed up with. That would never happen, and after waiting and being patient I would leave she would stay till early morning. I would get up with kids she would sleep all day maybe every once in awhile not a problem but not every time we go out even if that is few and far between these days. After a year of her using all her Percocet weeks before she was due to renew her script. Losing in sinks, in toilets, stealing her mother's meds her mother stealing hers etc... lieing over and over. Drinking on her meds. My kids and I finding empty wine bottles in my closet in the laundry room etc... def not a control freak just wanted to explain the current state of things as she says it. Without injecting my view of what this past year has been. She's says she is good now I think to be sure she needs to be sober for a little while to reclaim herself. I want her to make choices that are right for her not me. I just wish that those choices aligned with how I view a strong family. If not then yes maybe I need to set her free and hope to find someone one day that aligns with my values. I know she loves me, I love her, our 4 kids love us just don't want it to all end over alcohol. I was raised in Alaska I love Alaska I dreamed of raising my kids in Alaska we met in Alaska she hated it we moved. Sometimes you pick your greater love I never viewed her as a control freak just pick what was most important
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Is she right?

Can you clarify how much and frequent she's drinking? Does she drink everyday and if so, do you know how much she's drinking? This isn't clear in your post and I think it's important. Have you ever searched the house for hidden alcohol?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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She goes to a church group for addiction every Tuesday I do believe she is clean I want to believe my wife that is why I focused more on the drinking in my question I just can not grow a pair and leave her or abandoned her I want to explore every option in the mirror before I through away what has been a great life with some hiccups around her drinking I just don't want to be a battered wife excuse her behavior and blaming myself my children need their mother and without me around calling her out they would be able to enjoy her and maybe I wouldn't push her to rebel by calling me a control freak and continuing to drink even if she doesn't get drunk
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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She wanted to go walk around and look at lights with her clinically bi polar mother who drinks heavily and pops pills daily for years. The kids and I were upset that she wanted to do that instead of set up the xmas tree I took the kids so she could get ready without drama. She went to her sisters house where mom lives instead of calling them calmed mom was sick so it worked out. She met us at the tree tent went to kiss me with alcohol on her breath and claimed she only took a couple of sips of her moms beer we did the deal with no fighting for the kids I loaded the tree had my oldest son drive her since I could not know for sure how much she drank while with her mother. I went home she went to love for a step ladder even though we have 3 at home. She went inside my son walked in caught her chugging a beer he as upset they came home I found out we fought etc... she say we have pushed her to that behavior and I have brainwashed my kids
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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I just don't know if I am making things worse by making a big deal out of her not choosing us if even just to make the gesture so we don't feel like we are competing with even one drink what is the purpose of one drink if not just to stand her ground and say mom has a right to do what she wants. Maybe she does but after everything we have been through and the potential to fall back and the lack of trust I think a sober mom is a good mom and we need that to repair our family maybe one day we can go enjoy a couple
Drinks and unwind am I crazy
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is she right?

She doesn't drink everyday but inappears to be only because the situation may not allow at the time. when ever there is an opportunity she almost never declines.
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