Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
during our first session with our couples counselor, the issue of alcohol abuse came up. my wife described my alcohol use, and that i got a dui 10 years ago. counselor said "i could give you a test to determine whether or not you are an alcoholic, but it would cost several hundred dollars to determine what i already know. she said "chris, you are an alcoholic."
i accepted that, as i had already pledged my life toward total sobriety. lately, though, i've begun wondering.
i kinda breeak the rules when it comes to having alcohol around. i bought a six-pack or beer to keep around when my wife visits (we're separated) and we watch a sporting event. we do the bar food and beverages when we watch football. she enjoys that. plus, i bought a six-pack of "mike's hard lemonade" for her for new years eve. she didn't drink that night, but i wanted her to feel comfortable with it if she chose to.
bottom line is that i have had 4 beers and six "hard lemonades" sitting in my fridge forever. i feel no urge to "sneak" one. i swear i am starting to think i'm not an alcoholic. not that i want an excuse. but can you ever be "cured" of alcoholism? i don't ever think i'll have another drink. they're there if i want them. i think my wife would remove the alcohol from my fridge if she thought it was a threat. she is concerned for my health (previous stroke). can you be "cured?"
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
not sure if you can be cured, there are different variations of an alcoholic.
I love beer, it is part of my life. Some would say I am one, But I know I am not.
I can go out to dinner and have sweet tea instead of beer.
Currently I am working the day tour at work, so at night I will have a beer maxing out at 4 beers, not every night, but some nights when I am in "the mood" otherwise it is water, milk or sweet tea.
Now in february I will switch to the over night tour until may 31st during that time period I will only have a beer on my weekends off, and that would be only 2 days a month, I work 10 on 4 off, but the first day is a transition day and always have a bad headache, so I don't drink, why make it worse? So the next night I will have a beer with some friends. Then no more becuase I have to transition back to the night schedule.
So my point being is that I can cut it off no problem, i don't "need it" nor do I need to get "drunk" I just like the taste.
I don't know you well enough to judge you, I know you are smart and have a firery personality.
But I also feel some people use Alcohol as an excuse to blame their spouse for their marriage failure. I had a co-worker whose wife did that to him. But then one day while arguing she called the cops and said, "my husband hit me!" she hung up the phone and he said, " I never hit you why would you do that?" the then proceeded to take a door and ram it into her head so it was nice and red for the cops. He said she is crazy, of course the cops removed him, but she got her divorce, their daughter, and half of his money and assets then got married to a new guy a week after the divorce was finalized.
So that being said, I would go get the test and spend the money, it's only money and it will give you a feeling of where you stand.
Did you read Chris H.'s post several montha ago concerning alcoholism/dependency? It was quite informative. Check the archives. I had never thought about the fact that people can be dependent without it really affecting their quality of life. Then there are those who lose all that's precious to them because of it.
I've heard of people not touching it for years, then having one drink and falling right back into the addiction. There's an obvious chemical imbalance and predisposition within some that makes discerning "how much is too much?" nearly impossible.
As much as overindulging on anything is truly an act of free will, I do think certain people are predisposed to certain weaknesses. It explains why some regularly overeat in response to stress while others get drunk. I guess the key is knowing your weaknesses and eliminating temptation as much as possible (knowing there will be times when you'll be around alcohol).
Given your history, I wouldn't go pushing the envelope. Who knows what would happen? That's one of those cases where an "ignorance is bliss" mentality would serve you well. I'm glad you've been able to find a fulfilling life without it.
The reading I've done on the subject is such that you can condition yourself to live a life without it, but that predisposition is there. You have to remain vigilant.
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--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
I've read a lot of your posts void, and to me it seems that you are not so much an alcoholic, but that you have an addictive personality. You mentioned that you quit like a million different things. but from my perspective, it seems you lack balance in your life b/c you get addicted to one thing and then the next.
So just from my point of view, it seems to me you can quit alcohol, and that you are not an alcoholic per se, just someone who creates imbalances in life by becoming addicted to one thing after another. Its not the alcohol that you have to be 'cured' of, its the cycle of getting addicted to something else thereby creating another imbalance in your life.
I've read a lot of your posts void, and to me it seems that you are not so much an alcoholic, but that you have an addictive personality. You mentioned that you quit like a million different things. but from my perspective, it seems you lack balance in your life b/c you get addicted to one thing and then the next.
So just from my point of view, it seems to me you can quit alcohol, and that you are not an alcoholic per se, just someone who creates imbalances in life by becoming addicted to one thing after another. Its not the alcohol that you have to be 'cured' of, its the cycle of getting addicted to something else thereby creating another imbalance in your life.
I see the same patterns in my husband. He's Very similar in personality. In fact, he and I have discussed at length that he has an "addictive" personality. He's broken down into tears in the past about not wanting anything to have control over him anymore.
He's in recovery and doing well. I guess in many ways it has to become "mind over matter'.
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--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
It sounds to me like you're looking for a reason to drink again and headed straight for a relapse. You should call your sponsor (if you have one) and talk to him about these feelings you're having. If you don't have a sponsor, I suggest that you get one asap.
I've been sober for 9 years and going to AA the whole time. I've seen more alcoholics come and go and relapse in that time than I ever imagined. What you're saying is something I've heard quite a few times, right before that person relapsed and came back into the rooms later in more pain than they were in before.
I don't know much about you other than the fact that your (alcoholic-like) drinking was one of the main reasons your relationship with your wife crumbled. If you liked drinking so much before, why do you think anything would be different if you started up again?
The insanity of addiction is that we do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It's a cunning and baffling disease in that it's the only one I know of that convinces us that we have NO disease.
One of my closest friends in the program emailed me this note one day, and I keep it in my wallet because it's such a powerful statement about alcoholism and what sobriety has done for me:
Quote:
I would rather go through life sober, believing I am an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince myself that I am not.
If you were to compare my life with vs. without drugs and alcohol, you would undoubtedly say, "Chris, you should not be drinking and doing drugs - alcoholic or not."
So guess what? Even if I wasn't really an alcoholic, I'm glad I caught "alcoholism" because now I know how important it is for me to stay sober, work the AA program, and become a better person, husband, and father in the process.
As far as keeping alcohol around goes, it's a personal choice that you should talk to your sponsor about. My wife drinks on occasion, and usually has some beer or wine in the fridge. I am actively involved in AA though, sober x 9 yrs., and I don't have the "urge" to drink it today. If I did, I would tell my wife, and I have no doubt she would get rid of it immediately because she knows how important my sobriety is. (And she never even knew me when I was drinking!) I would also talk to my sponsor about it and try to go to some more AA meetings. Some people I know would never be comfortable having it around no matter how much sobriety they have. Others may be fine with it even though they are newer in the program.
For me, I feel like being actively involved in AA is like an "insurance policy" that I will not relapse. I know that if I stopped going to meetings, it would be harder for me to be around alcohol. I would be more likely to relapse because I would forget all of the reasons I stay sober.
Just for the record, I'm the same way. I have an "addictive personality" and I rarely do anything in moderation. There's no doubt in my mind that I could never drink "like a normal person." I'm very grateful that I've found a way to stay sober and change my life through AA.
I know it's not the solution for everyone, but for alcoholics like me, it works real good.
As far as keeping alcohol around goes, it's a personal choice that you should talk to your sponsor about. My wife drinks on occasion, and usually has some beer or wine in the fridge. I am actively involved in AA though, sober x 9 yrs., and I don't have the "urge" to drink it today. If I did, I would tell my wife, and I have no doubt she would get rid of it immediately because she knows how important my sobriety is.
the biggest problem i have is with carrying the label around. i do not have an urge or am i looking for an excuse to drink.
i have been told of this "addictive personality" thing, and i tend to agree. i was just hoping that i could "get over it." i hate thinking of myself as having that disease.
that's all.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
the biggest problem i have is with carrying the label around. i do not have an urge or am i looking for an excuse to drink.
i have been told of this "addictive personality" thing, and i tend to agree. i was just hoping that i could "get over it." i hate thinking of myself as having that disease.
that's all.
Well the cool thing about "recovery" is that you take something bad like "alcoholism" and turn it into something good (staying sober, working the 12 steps to become a better person, and helping others who suffer from the "disease").
Today, I'm glad I'm an alcoholic because it's enabled me to become a better person through the process of recovery. Do I tell everyone I meet on the street? No. But once people get to know me a little they usually find out.
For me, recovery from alcoholism has been about turning my greatest weakness into one of my greatest strengths.
So the label "alcoholic" is only a bad thing if you don't live in the solution.
No, I mean as long as you live in the solution to the problem - not the problem itself. In other words, be a sober alcoholic who leads a good life - a fine example of recovery, and the label "alcoholic" will look good on you.
If you live in the disease of alcoholism, and you are drunk, or even sober with all of the old behaviors (selfishness, insecurity, jealousy), then the label "alcoholic" takes on another meaning.
You don't have to walk around with a sign on your neck. In fact, you don't have to tell anyone. That's why it's "Alcoholics Anonymous" not "Public Alcoholics." The important thing is that you accept your alcoholism, and live a sober life.
Although my past isn't out in the open, because I cheated once, I am an adultress. Like you, I wish I could erase it. i hate knowing that I am linked with that term. As Chris said, though, I can't allow it to define me. I use my broken past to be a better person and to warn others from falling into the same fruitless trap. Is adultery my weakness? No, not that I'm aware of. But, I can say you won't find me putting myself into postions where that could become a vulnerability. If anything, it caused me to be more vigilant. I realize the reality.
So, I guess the way I feel I can make things right is by admitting my wrong, completely turning from it, and helping othes in similar situations.
Chris is right, you are in a wonderful postion to help, mentor and encourage others. Rather than viewing it as a terrible stigma, think of how you can use it to help others.
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--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
Although my past isn't out in the open, because I cheated once, I am an adultress. Like you, I wish I could erase it. i hate knowing that I am linked with that term. As Chris said, though, I can't allow it to define me. I use my broken past to be a better person and to warn others from falling into the same fruitless trap.
i just don't think i'm an alcoholic. i have made stupid mistakes while under the influence. mistakes i wish i could take back. i have made errors in judgement that are related to my "alcoholism."
i don't know if it's a personality defect that cause stupid jealousy and control issues, or if it was the alcohol. i can't explain it. i know i have less trouble with those things now than before, but...
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
here's the conclusion i've come to. i can't have my family AND alcohol. my use of alcohol has stretched my wife's tolerance.
my only fear is that if my marriage does fail, i'm going right back in the sewer.
so i guess the answer is "no," it is not safe for me to drink again.
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
alcoholic???
I see the same patterns in my husband. He's Very similar in personality. In fact, he and I have discussed at length that he has an "addictive" personality. He's broken down into tears in the past about not wanting anything to have control over him anymore. 
) drinking was one of the main reasons your relationship with your wife crumbled. If you liked drinking so much before, why do you think anything would be different if you started up again?
