Randi

I know it probably sounds strange because it is not a recognized addiction. It has become an obsession and It's as bad an addiction as alchohol, drugs, or anything else. It is destroying my marriage and affecting the entire family. The worse thing is that most people with this addiction are successful, so people admire them and think how lucky the wife is. All my husband thinks of is making more and more money. He doesn't enjoy it, spend it, or even help his family when they are in need. He works day and night, 7 days a week and really doesn't need to. He is never home and doesn't have time to do anything. He doesn't understand why I am unhappy. I didn't get married to sit home alone weekends, holidays, etc. He could have all the money in the world and it wouldn't be enough. He nickles and dimes me and doesn't give me money for groceries, clothes, personal expenses or even buy birthday and Christmas presents for my children. His daughter is out of work and may loose her home, but he doesn't even offer to help her. People think I am so lucky but they have no idea. We have a nice home but he refuses to even fix it up or paint it. He tells me that if I want it fixed up I should pay for it. I know there are support groups for family members of other addictions but where on earth can I get help or advice? I am really getting depressed.

Blanca

wow that does sound really lonely. Have you tried counseling for yourself?

I think you should start going out by yourself and having a good time. I dont mean doing anything you vowed you wouldnt do, but there's no reason you should be sitting home alone all the time. I know its depressing b/c you thought youd be having fun with your H (believe me ive been there) but you arent going to change him by talking. and you dont want to be miserable either.

do you have separate bank accounts? why cant you get clothes when you want?

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Randi

I have thought about getting counseling. I have suggested that he go too, but he refuses. He doesn't like me to go out, even with friends or relatives. He keeps checking up on me, although I have never given him a reason to mistrust me and have never cheated. But now I have told him outright that I won't sit around waiting for him anymore. I am going to go out and start enjoying life. I won't do anything involving other men, but I have friends and family. I don't have a joint checking account with him and he controls all the money. I have been working for him for the last ten years and he gives me basically expense money. I had surgery in October and haven't been able to work since the recovery period is about six months. He hasn't given me money because I haven't worked. I have a son who was badly wounded in Afghanistan. He was in Walter Reed for almost two years and I had to pay my expenses to go back and forth to spend time with him. He and his young wife also needed financial help because neither one could work. I used up most of what I had saved. I have been married for 11 years and this is a second marriage for both of us. I don't tell my sons (I have three) what is going on because I don't want them to hate my husband. He can be very nice and everyone thinks he is terriffic. I think my sons are starting to suspect that things aren't quite right because he seems to be getting more obsessive. The other day he calculate what the cost of a cup of coffee is including water and electricity and suggested I limit myself to 1 cup. (it came out to 21cents) If I told people that they wouldn't believe me. I don't know what to do.

Blanca

thats good. i think it'll help if you start going out again. Your H is a control freak. there's really no room for love in that kind of situation, in my opinion.

You only have so much energy to allocate to areas of your life. This seems like an area that would be worth putting more energy in, for your own sake. He will be able to control you if you dont have financial independence. Can you get a job, and open your own bank account?

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MarkTwain

Randi-

When he sees you walk out the door, that might be his wake-up call.

__________________
MT
See me on: www.marriagesatsang.com

GAsoccerman

I had a good friend like this...he has always been frugile and a workaholic, he never got married and that is why.

definately a disorder,

What kind of job does he have? sales? is it based on volume? IE commision?

how old is he?

Randi

You are right about him being a control freak and unfortunately he uses money as a form of control. I have managed to get around that until now because I had some income and my own bank account. My biggest mistake was leaving my job when we got married and going to work for him as an office manager. I did it because at that time we planned to enjoy life, go places and do things together as we had both worked hard all our lives. It was "our time". By working with him it would allow the freedom to do this and not be limited to a one or two week vacation every year. Anyway, that was the plan and it was like that for the first five or six years. Then things began to change. We began to work more and more time and less enjoyment. Then he would get upset if I wanted time off to do something. He didn't even want to give me time off for my son's wedding! I began to insist on having a day off during the week. He got angry and cut down on my hours and the money he gave me for expenses until it was barely enough for groceries. Then the two situations I mentioned, my surgery has had me laid up for months and my savings have whittled away because of that and my son's devastating in juries. At least now I got the OK to drive again. It was horrible before because I couldn't drive for 8 weeks. I have started going out. I feel I really need to shake the tree because he is taking me for granted. I have been picking up job applications and told him I am going to get a job because I am tired of being broke all the time. He wants me home all the time waiting for him when he gets here. He calls several times a day to check if I am home. Lately, I don't answer. When he asks me where I was, I tell him I had to run out for something. When he goes to work on Saturday and Sunday, I go visit my family or go to the mall for a cup of coffee just to be "out" when he gets home. When I come home I act happy and smile. This may be a bit sneaky but drastic situations need drastic measures!

Blanca

Well that is good that you are going out and getting job applications. I hope things start to look up for you. Im really sorry to hear about your son.

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Randi

I think it is definately a disorder. Most people work towards something or for a reason; a better home, college for the kids, retirement, better standard of living, etc. In his case the only goal is to make "more money". It gives him no joy or happiness. He won't even spend it on himself, never mind his kids or his wife. He owns his own business and has enough money that he could have retired easily years ago. His son is suppossed to be in line to take over, but my husband micro-manages him to the point where he can't make any decisions and everything he does is checked, re-checked and then done over because if it isn't exactly the way his father would do it, it isn't any good. He also insists that his son is there with him 24/7 or "on call". His demands have almost destroyed his son's relationship as well, and his long term live in girlfriend is about to leave because of it. My husband brags about how frugal he is and that he "recycles" paper towels. No kidding! He hangs them up to dry so he can use them over. He brags that he has had the same pair of work boots for 40 years and goes around with pants that have holes in the knees and shirts that he has been wearing for 12 years. In spite of all his quirks, there is a good man hiding in there and I still love him. He wasn't this bad when I met him. He was frugal but he has gotten totally obssessive. If anyone out there has dealt with this type of problem I would lov e to know. I am thinking of trying to get some help and support from his children. If I complain he calls me a nag and a spoiled brat and goes off to his office.

Blanca

My H and I would be considered frugal by a lot of people i think. In a lot of ways your H reminds me of mine. My H has a very elaborate excel spread sheet of all our spending over the years. He talks about starting his own business. I could see it getting out of hand. We wouldnt even buy paper towels (i think they're a horrible waste of money and natural resources), i slept on the floor for a year and a half, we have no tv, no radio, etc, we live in the smallest apartment we could find (that was in a decent area), i unplug everything if its not being used (you can save a lot that way), i dont drive, i take the bus or i walk, and a slue of other things.

I dont have to fight my H about being frugal b/c i actually think im more so then he is. Spending money really bothers me and him. we both like to save.

But it would really bother me if my H was a work-aholic.

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Randi

[QUOTE=ljtseng;34859]My H and I would be considered frugal by a lot of people i think. In a lot of ways your H reminds me of mine. My H has a very elaborate excel spread sheet of all our spending over the years. He talks about starting his own business. I could see it getting out of hand. We wouldnt even buy paper towels (i think they're a horrible waste of money and natural resources), i slept on the floor for a year and a half, we have no tv, no radio, etc, we live in the smallest apartment we could find (that was in a decent area), i unplug everything if its not being used (you can save a lot that way), i dont drive, i take the bus or i walk, and a slue of other things.

I dont have to fight my H about being frugal b/c i actually think im more so then he is. Spending money really bothers me and him. we both like to save.


Don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with saving money or cutting down on expenses. When it becomes the only purpose in your life, then it is a problem. Like I said, people save for a reason; to start their own business, own their own home, send kids to college, retirement, etc. My husband is at the stage where he has already reached the point where he has enough income and savings that he doesn't have to worry about anything financially and not a lot of time left to enjoy it. I don't believe in just blowing money or being extravagant, but when you have children and family in need and can well afford to give them a helping hand but don't. I don't have nearly the amount of money my husband has, but when my son was in need I did as much as I could. It wasn't his fault he got injured. He was doing the right thing defending his country. He was decorated with a bronze star and three purple hearts but they don't pay your rent or your bills. My husband will send checks to different charities and the DAV because it is tax deductable. He didn't give a cent to his stepson who was disabled. He won't help his daughter with her mortgage. She lost her job becuase the company is laying off. It isn't her fault and she needs the help. For me, the most important thing is family. I was a single mom for five years and raised three sons pretty much on my own. We had some hard times and I knew how to save and go without. We managed and thank God today they are all doing well. But the day they need me through no fault of their own, I will do what ever I can and whatever it takes to help them. I can accept my husband's little goofy quirks with the paper towels and stapling his pants, using his tea bags over etc. but I cannot understand seeing his son or daughter and family members in a very difficult situation and not doing anything to help. Money is more important to him than his wife, children, home or anything else.

GPR

If talking won't work, you need to start taking some action.

Get the job, go out with friends and family. But don't be too deceitful about it and don't get into too many head games. That can develop a resentment and easily end up with the opposite effect that you want. Do the things you want to do, and do it because you want to, not because you think it will piss him off.

If you decide you are going out over the weekend to a family members house, invite him along. Talk to him about it when you get back. Hide nothing, play no games, just do what you want. Whether that's going out, getting a job, whatever. If he get's upset, tell him exactly how you feel...

If nothing else works, tell him that taking some time off and spending a little now and then will be a lot cheaper than Divorce... j/k

Randi

GPR - Thanks for the advice. You're right. Head games aren't good and I'm not very good at them anyway. I guess I just want him to stop taking me for granted. I thought if he sees me going out and enjoying life he might get the idea that there are other things in life besides work.

MarkTwain

Randi-

Two thoughts...

1)What would happen if you told him you were going to divorce him is he does not discuss it with you?

2)It sounds like it is certainly his problem, but... is there anything you might be doing to drive him out of the house all day? Is he resentful of you in any way.

__________________
MT
See me on: www.marriagesatsang.com

LucyInSC

Your husband sounds like my father. My father grew up in the depression poor and hungry. All his life he saved every dime he made. He grew all our food and my mother made all the clothes for my sister and me. Everytime we left a light on, we were lectured on how much money we were wasting. We never had a vacation. We were even paranoid about running the water too long for a shower. Well now my mother is dead and I take care of my father in my home. He's in a wheelchair and has lost his mind. But he has lots of money. All those years he saved. For what? He never enjoyed any of it. Sad.