Sex addiction without porn - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Sex addiction without porn

I've posted on another thread about a possible EA of my husband's. Since that time I have found it was more of a game that he was playing and while it looked like an EA and a PA...yes, there was oral, manual, and phone sex...he conveniently claims he has a problem with sex addiction. He had a one night stand when we were first married. 4 years later, he had a full blown affair while I was pregnant. It was the most difficult time of my life but he begged and promised it was nothing. I told him that 3 times would be a strike and it would be over forever. In the 1990's he found Yahoo Messenger and talked on those "rooms". He quit. Now, 34 years later, he starts phoning and texting someone from work. It eventually lead to them meeting for oral sex. Apparently she never had any pleasure from the meetings. She just "did" him. And, during that time he only orgasmed once and then a later time during phone sex.

While during counseling for the first time, he continually lied about the PA. Finally...finally, I told him I had talked with the OW that morning who told me what all they did. He said, he meant he didn't do anything to her. Ok, Bill Clinton. Anyway, just when I think I have the upper hand, he comes up with a sad, sob story that he has a sexual addiction and he cannot help this.

1981, 1985, 1990's, 2016. Can this be a sexual addiction or is he just bored. Is he just trying to get me to stay? We were less than 5 years from retiring. Looking back at all of our texts, we look like a sweet, loving couple. We were happy and things going well. But, living 2 lives, equals a lie.

I am looking for opinions. What do you all think??
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 07:58 PM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

Does it really matter if he does it because he's just bored or because it's a sexual addiction?

If it's an addiction, how did he control him addiction all those years in-between getting caught? Or did he do other things all those years that you still don't know about.

I don't think it matters at this point why he is doing it. He's never going to stop, not unit he cannot get out by himself anymore and you are his fulltime care taker.

Why would it make any different if he did it due to an addiction or boredom?
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

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Does it really matter if he does it because he's just bored or because it's a sexual addiction?

If it's an addiction, how did he control him addiction all those years in-between getting caught? Or did he do other things all those years that you still don't know about.

I don't think it matters at this point why he is doing it. He's never going to stop, not unit he cannot get out by himself anymore and you are his fulltime care taker.

Why would it make any different if he did it due to an addiction or boredom?
I think if he says it is a sexual addiction, I will take pity and stay. Maybe work on our marriage. But, you see, I said Strike 3 and you're out. I am pretty sure Strike 3 is it! I call him the great manipulator and I think that is exactly what he is trying to do again. He says there were no other times. Hmmmm....so he is only a part time sex addict??
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 08:27 PM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

I count 4 strikes. That you know of.


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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:06 PM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
I think if he says it is a sexual addiction, I will take pity and stay. Maybe work on our marriage. But, you see, I said Strike 3 and you're out. I am pretty sure Strike 3 is it! I call him the great manipulator and I think that is exactly what he is trying to do again. He says there were no other times. Hmmmm....so he is only a part time sex addict??
I agree that this entire sex addiction thing is nonsense and he's trying to manipulate you.

Tell me, has his behavior with this sex thing escalated? If so how has it escalated over time.

Or is it sort of the same kind of behavior over and over again?
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

How would he know if it is a sex addiction? Has he been under a drs care for this, or did he just "discover" the sex addiction after he was caught? It just sounds like a too convenient excuse to me.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 12:13 AM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

Sex is not really an addiction because it is not recognized by the Psychiatric community as such. We all have different sex drives. The person who wants sex more than us is always the sex addict. Many wives do not understand the male sex drive and claim that their husbands are sex addicts, my wife included.

Men are designed to impregnate a few women a day if available while women only need to have sex once to get pregnant and sex after that serves no genetic need. How we handle it varies from man to man. What you have is a cheating husband. Some studies show up to 70% of men cheat. Just that you learned about it while many wives do not. I have worked with cheating husbands who have gone 20 years or more without being caught. They are married to women who swear that their husband would never cheat on them.

I think your husband is just saying that to make it seem like he has no control over it and it is not his fault. Whenever a person cheats, the spouse cheated on grasps for any straw to avoid the truth. A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. The expression once a cheater, always a cheater is more true than not. Almost every cheater has some sort of excuse other than the truth that they just like sex with a variety of people. Sex with a new partner is always more exciting than sex with an existing partner. I know a little about this from both sides. Sex addiction is an excuse, not a real mental illness. It is something to tell your wife or husband when they find out about it. If it were a real addiction, your health insurance would cover it as it does any other addiction. It is like someone who likes to eat a lot saying that they are addicted to food, addicted to TV, addicted to video games, addicted to you name it. Wanting to do something over and over again does not make it an addiction. If that were true we would all be addicted to most things in our life that we do repeatedly in our lives.

"However, sex addiction also known as hypersexuality isn't recognized as a legitimate condition by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), and therefore does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the bible used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide to diagnose."

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:47 AM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

Either he's a pro at hiding porn usage from you or he's not addicted to porn/sex at all, but rather the illicit thrill that he gets from being a serially wayward cheater.

I'd go w/ the latter.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

Good lord - what difference does it make if he uses porn or not?? You have WAY bigger problems here.

OK, first of all, my husband IS a sex addict. He has been properly diagnosed by a professional called a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist). Has yours? If not, tell him to go see one. NOW. This must be NON NEGOTIABLE. Tell him that if he wants to stay married to you, this is something you DEMAND. Here is how he finds one (and HE must do the finding, NOT YOU)

https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

Next, go to your dr and get STD tested. And STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM until he presents, in writing, a CLEAN std test panel to you. Also, the CSAT will in all likelihood tell him he has to do at least a month if not more of abstinence. So you won't be having sex with him anyway if he's serious about recovery.

Now, I say all this because in all likelihood, your husband is full of ****. I highly doubt he will go see a CSAT, because he's using 'sex addiction' as his excuse. And he is doing this because he knows for a fact that YOU WILL NOT KICK HIS ASS OUT when he plays the sex addiction card. Kicking him out is EXACTLY what you should be doing here.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

Here is a book that should help you realize he isn't a sex addict at all

https://www.amazon.ca/Your-Sexually-.../dp/0882823094
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:13 AM Thread Starter
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I agree with pretty much all what everyone is saying. He isn't in it for the sex. In fact, he couldnot perform when it came time. He is just in it for the sexting; that is his thrill.

Today is day 2 of counseling. He wants me to go so I can understand that he cannot help it. I really laugh at this b/c I'm going to explain to the counselor that if he really has a problem, he needs to figure it out without me. I definitely don't want to be the caretaker. I'm not his mother. And, I'm not his wife. He broke those vows a long time ago.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
I agree with pretty much all what everyone is saying. He isn't in it for the sex. In fact, he couldnot perform when it came time. He is just in it for the sexting; that is his thrill.

Today is day 2 of counseling. He wants me to go so I can understand that he cannot help it. I really laugh at this b/c I'm going to explain to the counselor that if he really has a problem, he needs to figure it out without me. I definitely don't want to be the caretaker. I'm not his mother. And, I'm not his wife. He broke those vows a long time ago.
I don't understand, why are you going to counselling with him if you no longer see yourself as his wife and are planning on divorcing him? It sounds like you're stringing him along.

If deep down you are actually interested in reconciliation, then the counselling could serve a better use than trying to prove each other right/wrong.

Be honest with yourself OP. You're only going to make things worse (for yourself) if you threaten him with divorce/consequences and don't see it through
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

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Originally Posted by Want2Understand View Post
I agree with pretty much all what everyone is saying. He isn't in it for the sex. In fact, he couldnot perform when it came time. He is just in it for the sexting; that is his thrill.

Today is day 2 of counseling. He wants me to go so I can understand that he cannot help it. I really laugh at this b/c I'm going to explain to the counselor that if he really has a problem, he needs to figure it out without me. I definitely don't want to be the caretaker. I'm not his mother. And, I'm not his wife. He broke those vows a long time ago.
Good for you.

OK, first of all, whether or not he has a sex addiction, if he REALLY THINKS that he can't help it, he needs a kick in the ass. A HARD one. That's bull. And if his therapist is saying that, THEY need a kick in the ass too. What bull****!!!!!

Is he seeing a CSAT? If not, they more than likely have no idea what they're talking about as far as sex addiction goes. Since sex addiction isn't recognized yet by the DSM (the bible of psychiatry) many - even most - therapists have an incomplete understanding of it, and no idea how to treat it.

ETA - not that he really has it anyway, but since he's using it as an excuse, pretend you believe him and gather evidence so he knows YOU know what you're talking about and he doesn't.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Sex addiction without porn

Many will use this today as an excuse for their terrible behaviour. Its as if they are saying they cant help it because they are addicted. Nonsense. Its a decision or cheat, your husband has behaved appallingly and I have no idea how you can trust him at all.
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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I'm going to counseling b/c I said I would go for a bit. I'm going to counseling for me, not him. I need to understand what he would rather talk to someone else than be with me.
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