Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Our 17-year-marriage has hit some very rough waters, particularly over the last eight months, and I honestly do not know we are going to survive. I will give a quick recap of our 20-year history.
We dated for three years before we married (when we married, I was 22 and my husband was 29), and during our dating years, I discovered a massive collection of pornography …. mostly movies, but also magazines. Coming from a devote Catholic family, I was very bothered by this, but we talked about it, he said he’d get rid of it and we moved on. This, however, has continued to be a problem throughout our marriage, and the same routine would always take place …. I would cry, he’d promise to get rid of it, but a few years later …. another collection. Our sex life, even from the beginning, was never great; however, we are now nearing year SEVEN without any intercourse! We have been intimate in other ways, but after a certain point, that just doesn’t cut it anymore. For the last three years I have been especially bothered by this abnormal trend. As I continued to tell my husband that I felt lonely, and that I felt we were living like “roommates” as opposed to husband and wife, he continued to say the same thing …. “I know; it’ll get better.”
In March, 2011, I innocently reconnected with someone from my past, and it wasn’t until the emails continued for a couple months that I realized just how vulnerable I was. This innocent reconnection turned into an emotional affair, which then turned into two arranged “meetings.” Wrong just the same, the two times that I saw him, however, did not involve intercourse. As I continued down this slippery slope, I seemed to do nothing but cry. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I began to question my marriage as a whole, I began to realize just how strong of a person I was, I began to wonder if I could, perhaps, do it on my own. I was, no doubt, in an extremely confused, but at the same time, extremely guilt-ridden state of mind!!
Fast forward to early December, 2011. The affair has ended, my husband knows everything, I’ve visited with my priest, I have an appointment with a marriage counselor and I am trying to save this marriage. My concern, however, is the fact that my feelings have grown weaker and weaker for my husband. I also feel as if I cannot continue in a marriage that involves porn. My husband is a wonderful, wonderful person, but am I wrong to want more? He claims that he doesn’t have an addiction, that he’s not abnormal and that all guys watch porn. I disagree with all three, and I would love to hear from others regarding this. I would also like to know if it’s possible to kick this addiction; is there hope for us/our marriage? We have no children, so that does help slightly in this difficult mess that we are trying to sort through.
If you had a normal sex life that you were happy with, viewing some porn is not that big a deal in my book (I'm Catholic as is my husband.) But you have no intimate life. Your husband is denying you one of the most important aspects of marriage. Of course you are, or have, fallen out of love with him. One of the major purposes of sex in marriage is to keep the couple bound to each other.
Do the two of you have children? I don't think you mentioned any.
Are you considering divorce? What does your priest say about this?
I`m not one to dis porn generally but if you haven`t had sex 7 years AND he has a "massive collection of pornography" it sounds like he`s replaced you sexually with the porn.
You do need to back off the porn thing at first and find out what problems led him to distance himself so far before you seriously broach the porn subject.
Sorry to disagree. My first marriage ended due to porn. I'll rephrase that. His continuing to allow the porn to enter our marriage and replacing the true intimacy and a respectful partnership is what ended the marriage. I've watch porn with my partner and never had a real problem with it because it was for both of us. Even though I've been a practicing Catholic all my life and know this sort of stuff is looked down upon, I still participated because I didn't want to be a prude and wanted to be open to my husband's sexual needs. But when it became clear that he was pursuing this for selfish gratification, and not to add to the marriage, I started to notice how it affected how he viewed me as his wife and how he viewed women in general. After 10 years, I divorced him.
I am now on my 2nd husband and another 10 years later. When we met, I told him how the "porn" damaged our marriage. Even though I knew that he was pretty heavy into it, I figured he was single and now that he understood how it can damage marriages, he would respect me and our marriage enough to not go there.
Needless to say, marriage #2 is barely hanging by a thread. In the end, it's not about the porn. It's about respecting whatever the sensitive issues (money, family, religion, etc.) are that surround a marriage and the big question of How Much Do You Want Your Marriage to Work?????? What Kind of a Marriage Do You Want?????? Do You Love Your Spouse Enough Not to be Soooo Selfish!!!
Of course you were going to look elsewhere. I'm certainly not defending infidelity, but the truth is that when you feel insulted, betrayed, unloved and disrespected, your marriage was already over. Your husband's unwillingness to "do the work" and address what was hurtful to you is what made it painful.
In the end, at what cost is it to your self-respect and peace of mind to stay? What are you hoping to get out of it? Is it because we, as a religion, don't believe in divorce?? Well, technically "we" don't believe in porn either.
Looking back, I see that these are both addiction issues as well as selfish, childish and entitlement issues... none of which I am willing to tolerate in my life anymore. Pray, pray, pray. But I believe sometimes God gives us the answers and they're not always what we want to hear. We're just afraid to take the next step and have faith that we will be ok in the end.
We can't always take it upon ourselves to fix things. If your husband was unwilling to do his part, there's your answer. And of course it would effect how you view your husband. It should hit the chord of trust and respect... the foundation of any marriage. Or it should be, but these days we always seem to settle for less and accept less than what we deserve... just keep reading these posts and you'll know what I mean.
Can your marriage survive? Sure, if you have faith and are willing to do the work by yourself. But at what cost and is it worth it to you in the end?
Porn viewing is always, always a cancer. It's never, ever real intimate sex. You both have cheated on each other. But, your marriage most definately can survive and be an example to others.
As women we will never , ever understand the powerful effect porn has on our husbands. If your husband wants to change his habit, which is the habit of every American male, and reconcile, be thankful....make a list of his great attributes. You need to also to ask for forgiveness....the funny , well not really so funny , thing with marriage, is that it's for a lifetime and none of us is ever perfect. Ever....I really, really do though have a compassion heart towards men living in this porn saturated society............
You say you and your husband are intimate, but haven't had sex in seven years. What does this mean? Who stops the intercourse? Or do you just sit across the table and look deep into each others eyes for 10 minutes?
I don't think your husband is addicted to porn. He has, however, learned that he can safely ignore your boundaries that you've set up. Each time you set up a boundary and he smashes it without consequence, you're reinforcing that what he's doing is ok with you. Your actions outspeak your words. I would say its likely he also loses respect for you in the process, as you end up looking weak and wishy-washy.
Many guys do watch porn. Not all, but many. But that doesn't make it right, if it's hurting your spouse and your marriage and your sex life.
You say you and your husband are intimate, but haven't had sex in seven years. What does this mean? Who stops the intercourse? Or do you just sit across the table and look deep into each others eyes for 10 minutes?
I don't think your husband is addicted to porn. He has, however, learned that he can safely ignore your boundaries that you've set up. Each time you set up a boundary and he smashes it without consequence, you're reinforcing that what he's doing is ok with you. Your actions outspeak your words. I would say its likely he also loses respect for you in the process, as you end up looking weak and wishy-washy.
Many guys do watch porn. Not all, but many. But that doesn't make it right, if it's hurting your spouse and your marriage and your sex life.
I too am going through this with my fiancée at the moment. I understand how terrible it makes you feel and how devastating it is to a relationship. I also understand what you mean wen you say you are losing feelings for him.
This is a devastating addiction and is SO hard to combat. You feel like you can't trust them EVER again, but you don't want to lose the person you love.
I think you BOTH should see a therapist and try to communicate, but make it clear to him that this it it: he either gets help or get OUT! Be clear that you understand that his recovery may take some time, and that you don't expect perfection, but that you do expect respect and honesty. If he can't give you that, then he has chosen porn over you and you should move on. Hope this helps, although I know it's way easier said then done.
Men who prefer masturbation and porn over partner sex often do so because they suffer from various psychological problems such as a fear of intimacy, avoidant personality disorders, avoidant attachment etc. These are often the result of various kinds of childhood trauma. For instance the children of alcoholics often suffer from these problems. One way to tell if this is what is causing your husband to turn inward sexually is to look at all his interpersonal relationships not just the marriage. If he has few friends, is a loner and very independent, dislikes socializing in large groups and enjoys time alone then most likely he is suffering from one or more personality disorders which make sex in an intimate relationship unpleasant and stressful. In men this can often result in sexual dysfunctions casued by anxiety which do not occur when he masturbates alone. Solo sex is the only kind of sexual outlet that he can fully enjoy.
Often these sexual difficulties are not apparent at the beginning of a relationship as the newness of the situation can override the anxiety but sooner or later, as the relationship progresses and the intimacy level goes up, he will reach a "tipping point" when he will begin to experience partner sex as unpleasant.
I had an emotional affair that turned into the real thing for this very same reason. I couldn't get my husband to stop looking at porn. He found out about the affair and beat the tar out of the guy. For years I allowed things in our marriage to continue (alcohol abuse and porn) because I felt so guilty about having an affair. Fast forward 25 years. We started to work things out and were actually doing very well about 10 years ago. Five years ago his father committed suicide. My husband wasn't a Christian. He accepted Christ and then a couple years later (it crept up on me) he was drinking 14 beers a day and got heavily involved with internet porn. I actually joined him and was drinking a bottle of wine a day so that I would pass out at night and not remember having online sex. It got really bad and 18 months ago I left the marriage. I had tried for months prior talking to him about it. I refused to do porn at all by then and I was trying to get him to stop but he wouldn't. He was sneaking it into our bedroom and then he was taking pictures of me after I fell asleep. He denies it but I found them on his phone. Anyhow; four weeks ago we started meeting with our new pastor and he has been very helpful. I have lost my feelings for my husband but I believe in marriage and I believe we both are at fault so I want to try to reconcile. But it's so difficult when I can hardly look at him because I can only see that dark place we were. He is trying though and so I will try as well. I am making myself go out on dates with him. I will not move back home until I know it is right and we are both healed. It is the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I don't feel God wants us to divorce. I guess if I was totally innocent in this whole thing I might feel different. Or if he had been more intentionally abusive. I know he loves me.
I'm a recovering sex and love addict. Porn is/was only one of the "acting out" behaviors of my addiction. But, I'm in meetings regularly with men who were 100% porn addicts. We may have different acting out behaviors but we are all sex addicts.
Addiction is a three-fold disease:
- Mental obsession
- Physical compulsion
- Spiritual loss of values
For a porn addict, the changes in brain chemistry that result from viewing porn produce the same euphoric sense of well-being as does heroin. Anything an addict doesn't want to feel can be masked by using the drug of choice...porn in this case. Over time the desire to escape in this way becomes a "mental obsession". Once indulging in the behavior, a "physical compulsion" takes over and stopping becomes problematic. This cycle ultimately leads to making choices that the addict would never consider doing if not for the obsession and compulsion. This is the "spiritual loss of values".
The addict loves his wife...probably wishes he could make her happy...and has no clue what he is doing to her by continuing to make the choices that are being dictated by the addiction.
Generally an addict has to "hit bottom" before looking at what is really going on. A "bottom" is negative consequences that eventually cause enough pain to motivate change.
Most of the married porn addicts I know sound exactly like your husband except that their wives set boundaries and did not waver. Unless they were willing to take the necessary steps to address the reality of the porn addiction and take the necessary action to address it, the marriage was going to end.
I've been sober for over a year now. Im in a twelve step fellowship of recovery from sex and love addiction. I go to meetings, I have a sponsor, I stay connected to others in the fellowship of recovery, and see a therapist. But there are still aspects of my acting out past that my wife cant get past and it looks like our relationship is beyond repair.
Your marriage may be salvageable. But it will take work. Things will have to get worse before they can get better. No one, not even me - a sex addict who will be devastated if I loose my wife, could blame you if you decide to walk away rather than attempt to force the changes. The only thing that is certain is that if you do nothing, nothing will change.
One thing is true for us all. Everything we feel is valid and legitimate. There is no such thing as incorrect feelings. How we feel is how we feel. We need never question the validity of feelings not should we ever apologize for how we feel.
That said...we are all responsible for what we choose to do with our feelings.
I want you to try something, it may sound absolutely nuts but before I was married I dated a guy that was too 'into' porn.
I am an educated woman, I, at the time had over a 3.0 in a very challenging math and science program in college. For one week I acted like a 'porn girl', how I'd imagined one would act, not around my friends but only around him.
I played dumb, all the time, suggested doing really nasty things (never actually did cause they grossed him the hell out), we would have sex and then I would leave and go "shopping" or something else stereotypical, flirt with his friends, dress like a skank, and any time he wanted to have an intelligent conversation I would bring up sex.
To my astonishment doing that and being 'busy' all the time worked. By the time he asked why I had been doing all that I told him "isnt that what you want since you seem to be infatuated with the women on the internet, I figured you wanted that in real life too".
The relationship later ended, because he had no future and didn't want me to either.
As far as the affair you had, you should be open and honest about it. I could have avoided the whole situation by communicating up front and being honest about my expectations as well as his. Communication Communication Communication.
Thank you Fearful55 for your post. Hearing a male perspective is helpful. And Chunt, the more I played my husband's porn games the worse it got. Honesty is the best policy. Establishing boundaries and yes, communication. I'm planning to move back home after my lease is up in three months. He has quit drinking and stopped the porn. I'm wary because he is doing this on his own. Except that we are in counseling with our pastor together. Anyhow; Tigger, if I didn't have children (even though they are grown) I would more than likely have divorced my husband. I still may, it depends on whether or not he truly has admitted his problem (he says he has) and is truly working hard to quit (he seems to be) I will not know for sure until we are living together again. There will be parameters set before I go back. No more porn AT ALL. And no drinking. And we will share passwords and the same computer. Communication must be open.
I knew a guy once...met thru mutual friends on an internet message board. Very sweet, caring, loving, attentive. I fell hard for this guy-he was everything to me. We met IRL once as well.
Long story very short, he was the epitome of a sexual predator with a caring sheeps face and facade. The bad part is this was not only happening to me, but I found out there were multiple others, porn sites, porn boards that he belonged to, other girls on the very same message boards I was on who, finally put two and two together and called a "come to Jesus" meeting with the rest of us. Now, add to the mix he would ask each one to send underwear and other personal items, taught many of us about cyber and phone sex (including me) and to top all of this hideous behavior off...he was married and claimed to be a devout Catholic!!
I split immediately, but watched him from the wings go about his business moving from girl and site to girl and site.
He is a very disturbed man who has a deep sexual addiction and need for gratification when and wherever he can find it.
Your situation isn't this bad, so hopefully you can glean advice from the many replies and rectify your situation.
Good luck and God Bless.
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17-year-marriage; husband's porn addiction; confused Catholic needs advice 
