Should I stay or should i go

alonetogether · 01-02-2012, 05:21 PM

I have been married to my husband for eight years and we have a four year old. I am considering leaving my marriage and taking my child. My husband smokes weed every day unless he is with out it. When he drinks he binges (acting like a child and some times violent). Though he claims he has not used in a few months he used hard drugs several times this year. When we met i was young and smoked weed and did do some other drugs once in a while but its been seven years since I've touch anything other than having a drink from time to time. I know people can change because I did. I try to support him and help him but I cant change him. I try to getting him to counseling but the denial is too strong. He does not use evey day so he thinks he is fine. He lies to me all the time. I find out what he is doing through friends slip ups. He will some times admit to me what he did after caught, but I know i only know half of it. The trust is broken and my right for emotion is gone. i have to make sure I dont get mad because i know it will just drive him away. I also see some ways he in controling me. He hold the fact he makes money and Ive been a stay at home mom and student against me. He tries to isolate me from my family telling me how they hate me. I want to help him and every time I'm away from him he get worse; going out to bars and getting sloppy drunk and doing what ever drug is there. He seems to think this is no big deal. I have told him I would leave and have left in the past. He then tells me he loves me. He will change and convince me that he understands why he has to be sober for his child, then I go back things will change for awhile and then just go right back and then he lies to hide it. I dont want to leave him, I dont want him to end up in jail or for him to end up sick, but at this point I dont know what to do. Ive been dealing with this for a long time. He has gone to jail years ago, he has hit me. I cant risk him getting bad again now that we have a child! I try to talk to him and he just tells me Im a nag or that I act like he is a peice of sh*t. He tries to tell me I just act like Im better than him or bring him down. I try to talk to him with respect and just tell him the truth of what he is doing and risking, but he doesnt want to hear it and does not seen to realize what he is doing is wrong. Don't get me wrong he is a hard worker he goes to work every day and works fifty hour weeks and we have fun family outings everynow and then. Though he is easily irritated and other wise lazy and not involved with me and our daugther much ( most likely a sign of depression or other issue) we have a normal life most days. I wish he would grow up, I wish he would wake up, I wish he realized what his family was worth. I love him, I want my child to have her father, but I can't change him, I cant save, him but Im scared of what he will become if I leave. What should I do ????

EleGirl · 01-02-2012, 05:58 PM

How old are the two of you?

No one here can tell you want to do .. if you should leave him or not. We can only tell you what we would do or what we have done. You need to make up your own mind on what you will do.

Me? I left. Thanks goodness I had no children with my first husband who had a drug problem. So when I left it was fairly easy.

About you being a SAHM and being in school. Continue your schooling and make sure it’s in something that you can support yourself and your child with if you need to. How much longer until you graduate?

Don’t let him intimidate you with the fact that he earns the money right now. By law he has to support you (and you him) and all income belongs to both of you. Do you have access to a joint checking/savings account or does he control all of the money?

No one can keep you from seeing your family. Just tell him that you do not want to hear any more nonsense about your family from him.. unless he’s right and they do mistreat you… is he right?

Your husband is not lazy if he works a 50 your week, working every day. He’s probably exhausted but not lazy. It’s very disrespectful of you to call him lazy after he puts out all that effort to support you and your child. If he does not spend enough time with you and your daughter that is a different issue. He apparently has time to go out, party and do drugs. He should be spending that time with you. This is your issue.. not with him being lazy.

Keep in mind that most drug abusers will not get the help they need until they hit bottom. Your husband has not hit bottom yet apparently. But if you are not proactive he will take you and your child to the bottom with him.

Find a chapter of Nar-Anon near you and start going. You need more help in handling this situation then you can be given on here.
Nar-Anon Family Groups World Services.

The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else’s addiction. As a Twelve-Step Program, we offer our help by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of addiction in a relative or friend.

Nar-Anon's Purpose
Nar-Anon is a twelve-step program designed to help relatives and friends of addicts recover from the effects of living with an addicted relative or friend. Nar-Anon's program of recovery uses Nar-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. The only requirement to be a member and attend Nar-Anon meetings is that there is a problem of drugs or addiction in a relative or friend. Nar-Anon is not affiliated with any other organization or outside entity.

Nar-Anon Home

alonetogether · 01-02-2012, 06:10 PM

I guess I should have said lethargic not lazy. His hour have gone down to where he is only working four days a week and even on the weekends he has no energy. I was not saying hes lazy to call him names I was saying it because Im concerned he is depressed. If he could, he would sleep sixteen hours a day and he spend a large amount of time just sitting on the couch as it is. I understand he works hard, but so do a lot of other men and they find a way to play with there children and spend time with there wives. I wish he would get some help I want to help him, but I cant force the help. Even when his child tries to play with him he has no energy. I rarely ask for much help around the house because I'm a SAHM, but I get none and some time it get hard to never have an help. He is 31 and I'm 27

Kurosity · 01-03-2012, 03:09 PM

I suggest you start getting some help. IC will help and joining a group like Al Anon is great because like this forum it shows you that you are not alone. Maybe some MC too.

I suffer so deeply from my co-dependant behaivors that I developed because of my drug addicted husband (sober now but once addicted always addicted). I am in need of help just to think and act in the right manner because I spent so long trying to help him, fix him, clean up after him, fighting him to change, and get help, and so on. that I can not even react to things with a healthy approch anymore. But I am working on it and slowly but sure things get a bit brighter and I get a lot more out of life.

Back on track. Anything he does/happens if you stay or go is not your fault EVER!! Seek out help for your self. Get support and make your own choices....no one but you has the answer that is best for you.

Cherry · 01-04-2012, 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alonetogether

I have been married to my husband for eight years and we have a four year old. I am considering leaving my marriage and taking my child. My husband smokes weed every day unless he is with out it. When he drinks he binges (acting like a child and some times violent). Though he claims he has not used in a few months he used hard drugs several times this year. When we met i was young and smoked weed and did do some other drugs once in a while but its been seven years since I've touch anything other than having a drink from time to time. I know people can change because I did. I try to support him and help him but I cant change him. I try to getting him to counseling but the denial is too strong. He does not use evey day so he thinks he is fine. He lies to me all the time. I find out what he is doing through friends slip ups. He will some times admit to me what he did after caught, but I know i only know half of it. The trust is broken and my right for emotion is gone. i have to make sure I dont get mad because i know it will just drive him away. I also see some ways he in controling me. He hold the fact he makes money and Ive been a stay at home mom and student against me. He tries to isolate me from my family telling me how they hate me. I want to help him and every time I'm away from him he get worse; going out to bars and getting sloppy drunk and doing what ever drug is there. He seems to think this is no big deal. I have told him I would leave and have left in the past. He then tells me he loves me. He will change and convince me that he understands why he has to be sober for his child, then I go back things will change for awhile and then just go right back and then he lies to hide it. I dont want to leave him, I dont want him to end up in jail or for him to end up sick, but at this point I dont know what to do. Ive been dealing with this for a long time. He has gone to jail years ago, he has hit me. I cant risk him getting bad again now that we have a child! I try to talk to him and he just tells me Im a nag or that I act like he is a peice of sh*t. He tries to tell me I just act like Im better than him or bring him down. I try to talk to him with respect and just tell him the truth of what he is doing and risking, but he doesnt want to hear it and does not seen to realize what he is doing is wrong. Don't get me wrong he is a hard worker he goes to work every day and works fifty hour weeks and we have fun family outings everynow and then. Though he is easily irritated and other wise lazy and not involved with me and our daugther much ( most likely a sign of depression or other issue) we have a normal life most days. I wish he would grow up, I wish he would wake up, I wish he realized what his family was worth. I love him, I want my child to have her father, but I can't change him, I cant save, him but Im scared of what he will become if I leave. What should I do ????

You have many things going on in your marriage. As for your H's addiction problems, from your post, he does need help and sometimes that begins with jail.

Your H does not sound like a lost cause... He does sound like a good provider for you and your daughter, I know that makes everything that much more difficult in what you choose.

He will continue to hide it, you cannot make him quit smoking pot or any other drug. He has to want to stop and by you getting onto him for it, he will continue to hide it more, unfortunately.

For my H, he worked with many potheads, all of them in fact, he would smoke on the job, hang out over there if he got off early, pick a fight and haul ass over to one of their houses, etc... For us, he ended up in another job where it's not tolerated as blatantly. For his other drug use, he moved away from that state. These are extreme measures, but sometimes necessary... People Places and Things when it comes to addicts. My H has not quit smoking pot, he has toned it down. And it is allowed on our property now, but certainly not in front of our children. As for drinking, my H binges too, but hard liquor is not allowed in our house... He would get violent and stupid.

I know you want your H there for your daughter... For me that is one of the hardest things. You need to set some firm boundaries with the drug use and drinking and stick with them. If he's depressed, try to persuade him to go get a diagnosis and help, if for nothing else than your daughter.

I feel for you, I really do... This is a very difficult situation to be in.

Good luck to you and your family.