Need advice on husbands addiction - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:16 AM Thread Starter
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Need advice on husbands addiction

I will start by saying I have been married for 15yrs now, and have two girls. things changed so much the last few years...
I introduced my husband to some of my friends husbands and uncles, who later on I would find out were addicts themselves. My husband started hanging out with them and I would notice he would turn off his phone. I would question him about it and would always have an excuse. He would leave the house on a Friday night and not come back till next morning. Money started missing, and he started lying a lot. I was ready to leave him because I was not sure what was happening. One day I packed my suitcases and had my girls ready to leave w me, and then he confessed he was using cocaine. My heart broke into little pieces, he had been doing drugs for almost a year... I told him to get help he said he could stop on his own, obviously that wasn't true, but I will say he now has cut down from once a week to once a month. But it's been almost 2 years now... I do see him trying( he tries to stay busy so he won't have to think about drugs) but I'm just tired that when I need him the most he's gone. He disappears on major events, important days for our girls. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell my girls. Am I doing wrong staying with him? I hate staying up all night waiting for him, wondering if he's ok, I can't sleep when he's gone. Sometimes I feel like we are crossing a bridge and when we are about to cross over, the bridge collapses. I think he needs profesional help, my girls are getting older and noticing what's going on. My oldest who is 14, has questioned me about dads problem. She has asked if dad is using drugs. I told her dad is not doing well, he is sick and needs help... I know he's a good man, and I love him very much... I'm lost when it comes to this problem. I don't know if us staying together is helping him at all.
HELP!!! I don't want to live wondering if when I come home his missing, or if we have an event or game for one my girls, if he will make it or he will decide to be MIA again.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:35 AM
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Re: Need advice on husbands addiction

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. This'll continue as long as there aren't any consequences for him. Stop covering for him. Do not make excuses. When your daughter asked you about it, she already knows and was looking for confirmation. You really should have told her the truth instead of sugar coating it.

Your children are being exposed to this. It's time to put an end to that. Your childrens health and safety should be #1 priority.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Need advice on husbands addiction

There's Alanon for people with an alcoholic in their life - there MUST be something for people with a drug addict in their life.

You might also try reading some books on codependency, not that you NEED to but just because they could give you some perspective. I've heard that we are all codependent to one degree or another anyway, and those with an addict in their life need to pay special attention to it.

You need to set your boundaries. You need to decide that you will not accept having a drug addicted husband in your life. You need to make plans to leave him if he doesn't get into recovery and stay there. I know that really sucks, but if you don't do that, you're enabling him and he has fewer reasons to change.

I also wouldn't lie to your kids. 14 is old enough to hear the truth. I would suggest 14 is also old enough to join Narcanon or whatever groups are out there to help but I am not sure. Maybe check into that too. AT the least, your kids would probably benefit from seeing a counselor who deals with this stuff.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Need advice on husbands addiction

My dad was an addict. The absolute worst part of my experience was the pretense that he an my mom put up. I can't even put into words what this felt like as a child. Sometimes I wish I could just scream at then to stop lying and pretending. I would scream into my pillows instead.

Children deserve to know. You need to help them figure out how to process this in a healthy way. They need to learn to talk about it. My parents' aversion to talking about these and other issues lead me to self harm. Certainly extreme but I just couldn't figure out any other way to deal with my emotional pain as I had no one I could talk to.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Need advice on husbands addiction

Nar-Anon is a support group for people who drug users in their family.

I also suggest that you read the book "Co-Dependent No More" .You really need to 'hear' what it has to say. Co-dependency is when we put the needs of someone else ahead of our own needs to our harm. That's what you are doing, you are actually enabling your husband to use drugs, all the while harming yourself and your children.

My suggest is that you read the book and attend some Nar-Anon meetings. Then confront him and tell him that either he gets the help he needs or he moves out and your are filing for divorce. There is no way that you should allow a drug user around your children. What do you think the message is that you are giving your children? What will you tell them when they follow their father's example? All they need say is "Well dad does it and you help him do it."

I know you think you have accomplished something by him only using it once a month (that you know of). But no drug users stops using drugs by only doing them every few weeks. I would not be surprised at all if he does it plenty of times when you are not aware. Drug users are married to the drug. Right now he cares more about his next fix than he does about you and his children. Keep that in mind.

What will you do if the cops come into your home, or stops the car when he's in it (probably driving) and find drugs? You and he will be arrested and put in jail. You will probably lose your kids. How do you explain that to your kids?

Drug users are master manipulators. You need help standing up to him.

Oh, if this does go to divorce, ask that he not get any unsupervised time with your children until he passes a drug test.
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