Guidance please! - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
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Guidance please!

I just need to let this all out. My husband and I have been separated for a month and a half and I am so overwhelmed with my personal situation. We have been married for fourteen years and he decided he needed to enter rehab 2 years ago. While in rehab, I found out about multiple infidelities (3 one night stands) and just the magnitude of his addiction (I was blind to a lot and it was painful to realize). We did a bit of marriage counseling but decided to go forth, together. He successfully completed treatment (4 months). A year into his recovery, he relapsed. He began drinking more and more frequently. This gave me anxiety and I would become sooo guarded. About a month ago, I went off on him telling him I could not continue this way. I wanted us to find help but instead, he moved out. Now he tells me he doesn't want to continue hurting me and our children and he doesn't love me like I love him. I am devastated. I feel as if my constant living in the past and not fully trusting him pushed him away. I feel dazed, angry, and hurt that after we stuck by him, he now walks out on us (I don't want gratitude; I I just don't understand). I don't know if I'm co-dependent and just need to detach. Although he continues to drink ( I don't know how often), he has become a better man. I've been informing myself about co-dependancy. Sometimes he's loving and shows some emotion and at other times, he's stone cold and hurtful. I feel similar; at times I feel this is the best outcome and at other, I just want him to come home. He said he was willing to go to counseling but after much persistence on my behalf. Sound familiar to anyone?
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:03 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

Have you considered getting into counseling for yourself? I think you would benefit since you have been through way too much.

Right now the only person you can do anything about is yourself. So I'm going to concentrate on you. What are you doing for yourself? Do you have a social life? Do you work out? Could you tell us what you are doing to take care of yourself and to heal?

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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capri View Post
I just need to let this all out. My husband and I have been separated for a month and a half and I am so overwhelmed with my personal situation. We have been married for fourteen years and he decided he needed to enter rehab 2 years ago. While in rehab, I found out about multiple infidelities (3 one night stands) and just the magnitude of his addiction (I was blind to a lot and it was painful to realize). We did a bit of marriage counseling but decided to go forth, together. He successfully completed treatment (4 months). A year into his recovery, he relapsed. He began drinking more and more frequently. This gave me anxiety and I would become sooo guarded. About a month ago, I went off on him telling him I could not continue this way. I wanted us to find help but instead, he moved out. Now he tells me he doesn't want to continue hurting me and our children and he doesn't love me like I love him. I am devastated. I feel as if my constant living in the past and not fully trusting him pushed him away. I feel dazed, angry, and hurt that after we stuck by him, he now walks out on us (I don't want gratitude; I I just don't understand). I don't know if I'm co-dependent and just need to detach. Although he continues to drink ( I don't know how often), he has become a better man. I've been informing myself about co-dependancy. Sometimes he's loving and shows some emotion and at other times, he's stone cold and hurtful. I feel similar; at times I feel this is the best outcome and at other, I just want him to come home. He said he was willing to go to counseling but after much persistence on my behalf. Sound familiar to anyone?
Hi @Capri

Thanks for your message and your honesty.

Ok, so first question is - are you both living together at all and do you have kids?

Secondly, when you're in a situation like this, it's very easy to get somewhat addicted to the emotional attachment of the situation. Even though it's probably not the greatest environment for you to be in, there's always a part of us that clings on for dear life because of the possibility that something good will come out of it or that you can turn things around.

Alcohol is just a way of covering up deep hurt and pain and hence, has he healed any of those wounds through rehab at all? You may not be aware of this, but I think it's an important question to answer because it will give you an insight as to whether he's someone you want to be with in the long term.

Finally, We get what we tolerate in life. In other words, whatever you set your standards as, you will get.
So if your standard is to have a man who will treat you with respect and love because thats what you deserve, then you will have a standard that will allow you to notice the warning signs early and know what action to take. How? Because you value yourself. When we value ourselves internally, we move forward knowing that a man has to meet a certain standard before he can truly be allowed to enter into our world. And believe me, there will be little things that he will demonstrate that will determine whether he is the right fit for you...In this case, there are also major signs as well.

However, I see so many women overlooking all these little things and then getting hurt in the long run - mainly cause they either were so caught up in the initial 'honeymoon' period or they chose to ignore the warning signs. Trust me - I totally get it cause i've been through the exact same process. I was so lured to having a relationship that I completely overlooked the warning signs until there was a moment of massive heartbreak.

So the question is - what are you prepared to tolerate? I can totally appreciate that you have a long history with your husband and that does need to be honoured - however, every moment is a fresh start. You need to decide on how you wish to be treated and act accordingly. Also, Counselling or coaching will help you to uncover and heal some of your own inner wounds as well which will help you on your journey long term.

I hope that all makes sense.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:50 AM
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Cool Re: Guidance please!

A bonafide alcoholic will say or do anything to get that next vaunted "fix" of theirs!

To that sad end, the ship is fastly sinking and it's time to start thinking about saving yourself, as well as the loved ones around you!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:12 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capri View Post
I just need to let this all out. My husband and I have been separated for a month and a half and I am so overwhelmed with my personal situation. We have been married for fourteen years and he decided he needed to enter rehab 2 years ago. While in rehab, I found out about multiple infidelities (3 one night stands) and just the magnitude of his addiction (I was blind to a lot and it was painful to realize). We did a bit of marriage counseling but decided to go forth, together. He successfully completed treatment (4 months). A year into his recovery, he relapsed. He began drinking more and more frequently. This gave me anxiety and I would become sooo guarded. About a month ago, I went off on him telling him I could not continue this way. I wanted us to find help but instead, he moved out. Now he tells me he doesn't want to continue hurting me and our children and he doesn't love me like I love him. I am devastated. I feel as if my constant living in the past and not fully trusting him pushed him away. I feel dazed, angry, and hurt that after we stuck by him, he now walks out on us (I don't want gratitude; I I just don't understand). I don't know if I'm co-dependent and just need to detach. Although he continues to drink ( I don't know how often), he has become a better man. I've been informing myself about co-dependancy. Sometimes he's loving and shows some emotion and at other times, he's stone cold and hurtful. I feel similar; at times I feel this is the best outcome and at other, I just want him to come home. He said he was willing to go to counseling but after much persistence on my behalf. Sound familiar to anyone?
Capri, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your WH is telling you the truth , an addict (of any sort) has only one love and that is his addiction. He cannot help it , it consumes him. You are better to take this opportunity and run, give your kids a stable life, get your own life on track again.
You did not do anything wrong, an addict might blame you, because they do not want to take responsibility for their own ****, you are right to protect yourself. You also need help as you have most probably becomeco-dependent on him. Seek out Al-Anon or Nar Anon for like minded people who will help you through this. It is possible to help him from afar. He may turn things around but he is so deep in a hole now, with so much dirt, he may not be able to focus on the marriage if he wants to get better.
YOu should also look at Soberrecovery.com there are many people on there discussing issues surrounding addiction which may be of help

Your H is at the stage where he doesn't know which path to take, to choose his family or choose the addiction. If he wants to leave, let him, remember the only one you can control is you. When they are trying to sober up or get clean, they do not need the added complication of a difficult marriage. Let him sort himself out and you do the same, get therapy for yourself and the kids.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

He said he moved out to protect you and the children?
Hmmmm.

Did you and your husband have a good sex like?
Who is satisfying that need now?

Certainly he shows he isn't willing to deprive himself of liquor. Why deprive himself of sex?

Could he be giving you emotional kibbles when he and his gf are on the outs?

I'd just cut him loose and find a man that's not a drunk, and who actually wants to live with you.

He's not being honest with you.
JMO.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

For your children's sake if no one else, concentrate on them and help them deal with the damage that their dad has done to them. Use all your energy to be the best mum you can and be thankful that they now have a peaceful drunk free home at last.

Apart from the drinking, the fact that he cheated 3 times is a massive red flag, and its very likely that he will do it again if he hasn't already.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

@Capri I am so sorry your going through this. I can feel your pain as I read your post. I can tell you are a very nice, sweet, kind person with a big heart, that is Unfortunate for you.

You want a stable situation. Stable for your mental health and for your kids. Your husband is sick and not in his right mind. He is selfish, in denial, and a typical addict. He is going to give you a rollercoaster life, with lots of pain. And because you are kind, emotional and big hearted you are not strong enough to handle a situation like this (either am I).

You may be co dependent. All I know is that it will be a long, torturous life if you stay with him. You stayed with him once which you should have, and it didn't work out. Please leave him. Grieve him and then get yourself healthy. Don't let him pull you along, don't let him instill hope in you, it is just a way to string you along and manipulate you. Be done with him. 100% done. He can't be fixed.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Guidance please!

If you haven't yet, please read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Once you start detaching with love as well as holding them accountable, you'll likely start getting clarity on what you should do.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Guidance please!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capri View Post
A year into his recovery, he relapsed. He began drinking more and more frequently. This gave me anxiety and I would become sooo guarded. About a month ago, I went off on him telling him I could not continue this way. I wanted us to find help but instead, he moved out. Now he tells me he doesn't want to continue hurting me and our children and he doesn't love me like I love him. I am devastated.
That's because you don't yet see this for the GIFT it is. Trust me, one day you will.

But let's be honest here - any so-called 'man' who walks out on his wife and children doesn't deserve to be in their lives. He already set the bar low enough being a cheating, lying alcoholic, and then he managed to set it even lower by deserting his wife and family. Why in the hell would you WANT him back?
Quote:
I don't know if I'm co-dependent and just need to detach.
I have to assume you are. Why else would you choose to raise your children in a household with an active alcoholic? Do you have any idea how damaging that is to a child?

Quote:
Although he continues to drink ( I don't know how often), he has become a better man.
Are you serious? He fell off the wagon and walked out on you all and he's become a better man?

Quote:
I've been informing myself about co-dependancy. Sometimes he's loving and shows some emotion and at other times, he's stone cold and hurtful. I feel similar; at times I feel this is the best outcome and at other, I just want him to come home. He said he was willing to go to counseling but after much persistence on my behalf. Sound familiar to anyone?
Actually no, it doesn't sound familiar because I'd never put up with an alcoholic. I've known enough of them in my lifetime and I'd never align myself with one nor would I allow my son to be forced to have to live with one.

You seriously need to detach and find a healthier way to raise these children. They don't NEED all this dysfunction in their lives. You're the only responsible adult and parent in the house, so you have to put their needs ahead of your own.
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