I just need to let this all out. My husband and I have been separated for a month and a half and I am so overwhelmed with my personal situation. We have been married for fourteen years and he decided he needed to enter rehab 2 years ago. While in rehab, I found out about multiple infidelities (3 one night stands) and just the magnitude of his addiction (I was blind to a lot and it was painful to realize). We did a bit of marriage counseling but decided to go forth, together. He successfully completed treatment (4 months). A year into his recovery, he relapsed. He began drinking more and more frequently. This gave me anxiety and I would become sooo guarded. About a month ago, I went off on him telling him I could not continue this way. I wanted us to find help but instead, he moved out. Now he tells me he doesn't want to continue hurting me and our children and he doesn't love me like I love him. I am devastated. I feel as if my constant living in the past and not fully trusting him pushed him away. I feel dazed, angry, and hurt that after we stuck by him, he now walks out on us (I don't want gratitude; I I just don't understand). I don't know if I'm co-dependent and just need to detach. Although he continues to drink ( I don't know how often), he has become a better man. I've been informing myself about co-dependancy. Sometimes he's loving and shows some emotion and at other times, he's stone cold and hurtful. I feel similar; at times I feel this is the best outcome and at other, I just want him to come home. He said he was willing to go to counseling but after much persistence on my behalf. Sound familiar to anyone?
Thanks for your message and your honesty.
Ok, so first question is - are you both living together at all and do you have kids?
Secondly, when you're in a situation like this, it's very easy to get somewhat addicted to the emotional attachment of the situation. Even though it's probably not the greatest environment for you to be in, there's always a part of us that clings on for dear life because of the possibility that something good will come out of it or that you can turn things around.
Alcohol is just a way of covering up deep hurt and pain and hence, has he healed any of those wounds through rehab at all? You may not be aware of this, but I think it's an important question to answer because it will give you an insight as to whether he's someone you want to be with in the long term.
Finally, We get what we tolerate in life. In other words, whatever you set your standards as, you will get.
So if your standard is to have a man who will treat you with respect and love because thats what you deserve, then you will have a standard that will allow you to notice the warning signs early and know what action to take. How? Because you value yourself. When we value ourselves internally, we move forward knowing that a man has to meet a certain standard before he can truly be allowed to enter into our world. And believe me, there will be little things that he will demonstrate that will determine whether he is the right fit for you...In this case, there are also major signs as well.
However, I see so many women overlooking all these little things and then getting hurt in the long run - mainly cause they either were so caught up in the initial 'honeymoon' period or they chose to ignore the warning signs. Trust me - I totally get it cause i've been through the exact same process. I was so lured to having a relationship that I completely overlooked the warning signs until there was a moment of massive heartbreak.
So the question is - what are you prepared to tolerate? I can totally appreciate that you have a long history with your husband and that does need to be honoured - however, every moment is a fresh start. You need to decide on how you wish to be treated and act accordingly. Also, Counselling or coaching will help you to uncover and heal some of your own inner wounds as well which will help you on your journey long term.
I hope that all makes sense.
If you have any questions, please let me know.