Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-14-2012, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CallaLily View Post
Tubes, I don't think there is anything wrong with your analogy. However, in your explanation of the vanilla ice cream analogy, I'd say it sounds like she doesn't really like vanilla ice cream anymore.

As a child I loved scrambled eggs. I did in my teens as well, but for some reason as I got older, I no longer cared for scrambled eggs, I mainly like boiled eggs or fried eggs. For some reason my taste changed in what I usually had liked for so long. To this day I do not know why either really. Ok that was my attempt at using my food analogy. It is true though.

Anyway, maybe your analogy of the vanilla ice cream is exactly what has happened, maybe you answered your own question?
This is exactly what I'm afraid of.

What makes this extremely difficult (besides the realization your long time love doesn't want you) is that she truly believes that I'm wrong and she does want me, but her actions prove otherwise.

How can I possible leave my wife when we have two young daughters, we have built a life together, she loves me but just can't see that she doesn't want me even though it's obvious? It would hurt my wife and kids for something only I see, and so far it's only affecting me?

Just to be clear, this is not some excuse on my part to feel ok to leave her. My wife has a much better chance then I do at finding someone else. Even though improving I'm still very much a 'beta' (as I have always been) with a low sex rank.
Couple all this with shyness, I'm in a loose-loose situation.
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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-14-2012, 10:49 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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but her actions prove otherwise.


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And I would look at her actions not her words. They obviously do not match. Just wondering, have you ever used the ice cream analogy with her? Have you explained to her what you did to us here? I wonder if she would still say she wants you but then doesn't act like it? Maybe tell her your analogy is how you truly feel. I'm not sure if it would make a difference or not, but maybe she would then know you know what is going on with her.

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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-14-2012, 11:35 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

It sounds like she loves you, but not IN love with you. For some women that makes a huge difference in how they feel sexually towards their spouse. I also think its possible she feels some guilt or shame even, because I think she knows how she feels, but she keeps telling herself maybe, if she convinces herself she wants to be with you, it will magically happen for her. Her feelings will just reappear. I doubt it happens like that.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 07-29-2012, 12:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Wish I had some progress to report but nothing has changed. Iíve been mistaken every time I think things are moving forward in our marriage. She still insists she is interested in me but her actions indicate otherwise, a killer on my self-esteem. Even after that last conversation that included talking about divorce as an option, which she protested against she is still turning to her porn on a daily bases.
I believe Iíve given up, not sure all this is worth it. At the point now where Iím not interested in sex with her anymore. Unlike many male posters on here Iím not interested in sex with the wife if she gets her appetite elsewhere; not just looking for release, I need to feel wanted.

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Originally Posted by Jamison View Post
It sounds like she loves you, but not IN love with you. For some women that makes a huge difference in how they feel sexually towards their spouse. I also think its possible she feels some guilt or shame even, because I think she knows how she feels, but she keeps telling herself maybe, if she convinces herself she wants to be with you, it will magically happen for her. Her feelings will just reappear. I doubt it happens like that.
I agree, itís got to be hard to admit to yourself that the person you love and have a loving and stable family with is just not who you want. Honestly, it would be a simpler problem to deal with if she had an affair. With an affair I could be angry at her, she would see that Iím not the one for her and we could move on with our lives.

TAM has been an addiction on mine, one of the reasons I donít post often is that I spend too much time reading other posts! With all this reading I know this canít continue for long without it ending badly, but itís so comfortable.
For me being with my kids is VERY important, every second weekend and one night a week is just not good enough for me. Iím a good Ďbetaí husband and provide leadership to the family (my only alpha quality) I know I provide comfort to my wife and kids. So against all the great advice I get here on TAM Iím going to stick to the status quo and see how long this can last, at least till the kids are older. I donít think Iím taking advantage of my wife, Iíve explained how I feel to her and if she decides to pull the plug then so be it, she deserves to be with someone she wants to be with. Divorce will happen in the future but I can try and work on myself in the meantime while keeping the access to my kids that I require.
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-02-2012, 12:20 PM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Oh Tubes - your situation tugs on my heart. I can completely see wanting to stay so that you can stay close to your kids. In the meantime keep working on yourself and continue to go to counseling because whether or not you divorce you are going to need the support. I hope that you have some good friends to lean on to also.

Some of my good friends and acquaintances are into (well, some are OBSESSED) with certain rock stars. Granted I like the same musicians and it was because of this that I got to know many of the women. We go to concerts together, share music, post on message boards, etc. What I see with some of them is that, like me, they just enjoy the music, sharing and getting together with friends. Some others, however, would rather do this then be with their husbands and even sometimes their kids. To me that is an unhealthy escape from reality. They have to know that they have as much chance of getting together with these rock stars as "passing a camel through the eye of a needle" (to steal a well known phrase) but evidently this past time is more enjoyable than dealing with their hubbies and sometimes kids. I often wonder what is so wrong in their lives that they do this. It's really too bad that your wife won't get into counseling too. I suspect there is something wrong or should I say even deeper than not being romantically in love with you, which is bad enough.
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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-19-2012, 04:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Iím back to report things are getting better! We had an honest and upfront conversation about sex with many surprises. One thing I told her was ďIt doesn't matter where one works up an appetite as long as they eat at homeĒ doesnít work for me. It might be a lack of self-confidence on my part but if she needs to think of others to have sex with me, Iím not interested. Her response floored me; she said it wouldnít bother her if I watched porn then came looking for sex! Thatís not going to happen as I wouldnít feel right doing that but Wow.
We talked about a lot of stuff that I wonít bore you with but I feel it was productive. Iím starting to see a future with us again but Iím not going to get my hopes up to quickly as this has been a cycle for us in the past. Iím still struggling with her Ďporní level and intensity.
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-19-2012, 04:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by in my tree View Post
Oh Tubes - your situation tugs on my heart. I can completely see wanting to stay so that you can stay close to your kids. In the meantime keep working on yourself and continue to go to counseling because whether or not you divorce you are going to need the support. I hope that you have some good friends to lean on to also.
Some of my good friends and acquaintances are into (well, some are OBSESSED) with certain rock stars. Granted I like the same musicians and it was because of this that I got to know many of the women. We go to concerts together, share music, post on message boards, etc. What I see with some of them is that, like me, they just enjoy the music, sharing and getting together with friends. Some others, however, would rather do this then be with their husbands and even sometimes their kids. To me that is an unhealthy escape from reality. They have to know that they have as much chance of getting together with these rock stars as "passing a camel through the eye of a needle" (to steal a well known phrase) but evidently this past time is more enjoyable than dealing with their hubbies and sometimes kids. I often wonder what is so wrong in their lives that they do this. It's really too bad that your wife won't get into counseling too. I suspect there is something wrong or should I say even deeper than not being romantically in love with you, which is bad enough.
Thank you so much for your post!

My wife insists she is ‘romantically in love’ with me but it’s hard to believe with her actions.

As for her ‘porn’ I’m not upset about my wife finding other men attractive, or as some call it eye candy it’s the intensity in which she focuses on these guys that is crazy and honestly hurtful. I just can’t relate, I have never been this way with a celebrity. I may find someone incredible hot but that wouldn't make me watch every movie she was in, wait in line for hours to get an autograph, have half naked pictures of her on my phone, talk to friends about her, search out tonnes of you tube video, interviews then read porn (fanic) stories about her.

Like I said things are better but I had hoped that her ‘porn’ usage would drop a little but no she “tries” to hide it more.

Last edited by Tubes; 08-19-2012 at 04:08 AM. Reason: Need english lessons
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 08-19-2012, 03:57 PM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Well it's good that at least you two are talking about it. I have to say that I agree with you regarding the need to have your spouse actuallly wanting you as opposed to get worked up over someone else. My stbx hubby loved his porn and the more he used it, the less interested I was in him. I didn't want to be "used" as some substitute while he imagined porn stars in my place.

The good thing is that it seems that she may really be worried about losing you (i.e. she cares about/loves you). If she understands that her usage of this fan fic stuff does hurt you, hopefully she will turn it down, not just hide it. Does she understand that? That you want her to want you, not just use you after getting worked up over some film stars? I hope so.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 10-02-2012, 11:44 PM Thread Starter
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Well I'm back, so in the same situation. Just like I said before, it's just a cycle. She loves me and doesn't want to loose me but is not interested in me. I guess that's why things only improve long enough to placate me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by in my tree View Post
"My stbx hubby loved his porn and the more he used it, the less interested I was in him"
This is exactly how I feel! Now that she knows how I feel and still does it in excess but hides it more (and still showing no interest in me) I've gottin to the point where I'm not interested in her at all!

I guess all I can do is try and work on myself, enjoy the time with the kids and wait till she admits to herself she doesn't want me. It's going to hurt but a least I can move forward in life.
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 10-02-2012, 11:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by in my tree View Post
"The good thing is that it seems that she may really be worried about losing you (i.e. she cares about/loves you). If she understands that her usage of this fan fic stuff does hurt you, hopefully she will turn it down, not just hide it. Does she understand that? That you want her to want you, not just use you after getting worked up over some film stars? I hope so."
I wouldn't be interested if she did get worked up over a star and came to me but I don't even have that!
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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Wow, it's been 5 years! As I said in one of my original posts, I gave up and against all advice I was going to see how long I could last without sex (To maintain family life for the kids). It's been 5 years with no sex, none! Just a short time after my last post (early 2013 I think) I gave my wife an ultimatum and repeated it on two other occasions.

- Go to a counsellor about this herself, ask him/her what they think about her thoughts vs actions. Even if turns out it's all my fault I need to see her take some initiative to help fix this, show she cares about it.

Or

- Continue as we are and I'll work at suppressing any resentment so we can raise our kids together. That if we continue down this path it would eventually fail but we could be 'roommates' for now. That at any time she could ask for a divorce and I wouldn't protest, I didn't want to hold her back from a better life.

Looks like she liked the second option (except divorce) as nothing has happened in 4+ years. I still love her but I'm not interested in her sexually now and the resentment is getting strong. I don't want to hate my best friend but I'm scared it's happening!
I think about getting a prostitute at times even though I know that's not what I'm really after. I want to be wanted, loved and it's not just sex that I'm craving! Plus it's disgusting on a moral level. Even after saying that I know I'm so desperate for this kind of connection that if a woman, any woman showed any interest in me I'd break like some scummy low life husband. I guess this is the only benefit of working with almost exclusively men, being shy and unattractive and having my self-esteem shattered, there is no chance of that happening. Thinking I should find a councillor before depression hits.
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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:40 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Just so I've got this straight, NOTHING has changed in 5 years?

Dude, it's time. To man up and say b'bye. You deserve to be happy and you're clearly not. You've chosen the 'doormat' option.

She's not going to change. So stop waiting.
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:37 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Wow, it's been 5 years! As I said in one of my original posts, I gave up and against all advice I was going to see how long I could last without sex (To maintain family life for the kids). It's been 5 years with no sex, none! Just a short time after my last post (early 2013 I think) I gave my wife an ultimatum and repeated it on two other occasions.

An ultimatum is meant to be given once, and then followed through

- Go to a counsellor about this herself, ask him/her what they think about her thoughts vs actions. Even if turns out it's all my fault I need to see her take some initiative to help fix this, show she cares about it.

Or

- Continue as we are and I'll work at suppressing any resentment so we can raise our kids together. That if we continue down this path it would eventually fail but we could be 'roommates' for now. That at any time she could ask for a divorce and I wouldn't protest, I didn't want to hold her back from a better life.

But you hold yourself back from a better life?

Looks like she liked the second option (except divorce) as nothing has happened in 4+ years. I still love her but I'm not interested in her sexually now and the resentment is getting strong. I don't want to hate my best friend but I'm scared it's happening!
I think about getting a prostitute at times even though I know that's not what I'm really after. I want to be wanted, loved and it's not just sex that I'm craving! Plus it's disgusting on a moral level. Even after saying that I know I'm so desperate for this kind of connection that if a woman, any woman showed any interest in me I'd break like some scummy low life husband. I guess this is the only benefit of working with almost exclusively men, being shy and unattractive and having my self-esteem shattered, there is no chance of that happening. Thinking I should find a councillor before depression hits.
You say you read MMSLP but you clearly did not understand any of it. You come off as weak. Multiple ultimatums. Letting her make one of the two choices and allow her to change it to her liking. You've had 5 years to improve your sex rank. Are you working out? Doing manly hobbies? Dressing better?

She has no respect for you. Work on yourself, seriously. Until then there will be no improvement.
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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:24 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

Wow wow wow. To say this situation is sad is an understatement.

Is this what marriage does to people? Is this what having children and being married does to people? This kind of passivity is scary to me yet it's all over TAM. How does this happen?

OP, were you always this way?
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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:06 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

I'm not trying to sound snarky, but why did you update this after 5 years? Nothing seems to have changed for you, at all, other than your resentment has grown.

What are you hoping for here? What's your goal? Your plan? The same advice you were given before? That also has not changed.

If you read mmslp, you'd have read about the MAP. Right now all I'm seeing is you catering to your wife and wondering why it hasn't been working.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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