Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #31 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Wow wow wow. To say this situation is sad is an understatement.

Is this what marriage does to people? Is this what having children and being married does to people? This kind of passivity is scary to me yet it's all over TAM. How does this happen?

OP, were you always this way?
Since this is a forum about marriage I'd assume that the numbers are skewed to the negative on here. Not many happily married people would spend time here, they'd be out enjoying life! I've met many happy couples myself, I just happen not to be part of one.

Are you asking, have I always been passive? I would certainly describe myself that way, I struggle with my self worth, painfully shy around people. But with that said I've also been told I'm opinionated, stubborn and like to get 'my way'. Don't know.....
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post #32 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Just so I've got this straight, NOTHING has changed in 5 years?

Dude, it's time. To man up and say b'bye. You deserve to be happy and you're clearly not. You've chosen the 'doormat' option.

She's not going to change. So stop waiting.
I can't deny it, I am a 'doormat' on this subject. I just don't see a way out that doesn't affect my kids and that's why I'm still in this. Over the past 5 years it somehow worked, I was able to keep the resentment at a minimum, something I was told wasn't possible on here. So during this time my kids had an intact family, my wife and I were affectionate enough (sleep together, kiss goodbye ect) and kept our finances in order. Plus my self esteem is so shattered on a sexual level I couldn't imagine being with a women so my choices are a comfortable unfulfilling marriage or separated, poor, not living with my kids and lonely?

Thanks for the reply
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post #33 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by manwithnoname View Post
You say you read MMSLP but you clearly did not understand any of it. You come off as weak. Multiple ultimatums. Letting her make one of the two choices and allow her to change it to her liking. You've had 5 years to improve your sex rank. Are you working out? Doing manly hobbies? Dressing better?

She has no respect for you. Work on yourself, seriously. Until then there will be no improvement.
I believe I understood MMSLP, just choose not to follow through. It was along time ago so maybe I'm remember wrong on my ultimatum. I do remember reading that I needed to repeat it and make sure she understood what I was asking, no room for ambiguity. There were only two options, show she wanted to help correct this or live together for the kids until it failed. She never went to a councillor and all sexual intimacy is gone, don't think she changed it to her liking just chose the option she preferred.

Improve my sex rank ? I was exercising and lost some weight but unfortunately stopped. I'm still eating better, I've improved my wardrobe ( I look less homeless ) and for the life of me I can't find a hobby. The problem is I'm still me, my sex rank it probably still in the negative range. I know I have serious self-esteem issues now, I'm painfully shy and utterly awkward around anyone I don't know well. I do try to work on it by placing myself in uncomfortable (for me) situation. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know the resentment is building recently, the thought of being 40 years old and not being wanted or needed by anyone is scary and lonely as hell but so far I don't see it worth risking my kids stability for. I wonder if the resentment is growing because my kids are getting older and need me less so there is more room for this void in my life?
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post #34 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I'm not trying to sound snarky, but why did you update this after 5 years? Nothing seems to have changed for you, at all, other than your resentment has grown.

What are you hoping for here? What's your goal? Your plan? The same advice you were given before? That also has not changed.

If you read mmslp, you'd have read about the MAP. Right now all I'm seeing is you catering to your wife and wondering why it hasn't been working.
Hi Satya

I'm finding your post the hardest to respond too. You don't sound snarky and I appreciate everyone's honesty.
You're right, the same advice I was giving stands but the risk still seems too great. All I can think of is if I could just survive until my kids are in university then I could risk it. By that time I'll be almost 50 and my sex drive will be gone and all those years wasted (see resentment )
I might have hit on something in my last response, my kids are 12 and 15 and are needing their Dad less and less so a void is opening in my life. I think this is why the resentment is building with my wife. I was feeling depressed and starting looking at councilors in my area, thinking of going back but they seem so superficial. I could just watch SNL vids of Stuart Smalley - Daily Affirmations . Anyway that's when I logged on here, it just might be an opportunity for me to vent.

Thanks
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post #35 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:06 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

There is a good chance that your marriage is more harmful to your children than divorce would be. Look at what they are learning about marriage and family. What they see is what they will bring into their adult life. So as long as this continues, you can expect that they will also be miserable as adults. Is that really the lesson you want to teach your children????

And think of it, one day you can explain to them that you stayed married until they were in college for them. You lived a miserable, unhappy life just for them. Do you think that they will be pleased with this? I doubt that they will see it as a good thing. Instead, it's a huge guilt trip... you were miserable just for them. What a legacy to give your children.

The reason that your ultimatum did not work is because it had not bite. Both options had nothing that would shake her up. Of course she took #2. She could do the same thing you have been doing, just coasting in misery for years.

And ultimatum with teeth is something like "Either we get into counseling, read and work on the Marriage Builder books (see links below) and fix this marriage or I'm filing for divorce. You have 24 hours to decide."

There... now she knows that you are serious. You would need to have a lawyer lined up ahead of time so that if she says no to working on the marriage, she is served divorce papers in a day or so.

That would get her attention.

Last edited by EleGirl; 04-05-2017 at 02:20 AM.
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post #36 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:04 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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By that time I'll be almost 50 and my sex drive will be gone ...
No. Trust me, it will still be there, just as strong as ever. I speak from experience.

There are two really bad things about a sexless marriage: 1) you feel horribly unwanted, undesirable. 2) you're married to someone who, in addition to not desiring you, doesn't even love you enough to want to make you happy. The second one is worse. She's not even a good friend. She knows she's hurting you and can't be bothered to step up.

If I were you, I'd start talking divorce right now, for reason #2. Only this time, don't let her call your bluff. You'll find that her sexual interest is suddenly rekindled. I think some spouses have to realize what they're losing before they can appreciate what they have. At that point it's up to you if you want to continue to divorce, or whether living with this sort of "blackmail" arrangement is palatable, just for the sake of keeping the family intact. But in order to keep her interest, you'll always need to have the spectre of divorce looming in the background. But your threat should not be an empty one--you actually need to mentally prepare yourself for divorce and get into that mindset.

I will say this: Once your threat of divorce becomes real, you will have control of the relationship. I think this is a good thing in your case. This will change the dynamic and cause her to respect you more. The respect results in more attraction. You'll have to gauge how much of her newfound sexual interest is based on the "blackmail" aspect, and how much is based on the newfound respect and attraction.
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post #37 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:49 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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I believe I understood MMSLP, just choose not to follow through. It was along time ago so maybe I'm remember wrong on my ultimatum. I do remember reading that I needed to repeat it and make sure she understood what I was asking, no room for ambiguity. There were only two options, show she wanted to help correct this or live together for the kids until it failed. She never went to a councillor and all sexual intimacy is gone, don't think she changed it to her liking just chose the option she preferred.

Improve my sex rank ? I was exercising and lost some weight but unfortunately stopped. I'm still eating better, I've improved my wardrobe ( I look less homeless ) and for the life of me I can't find a hobby. The problem is I'm still me, my sex rank it probably still in the negative range. I know I have serious self-esteem issues now, I'm painfully shy and utterly awkward around anyone I don't know well. I do try to work on it by placing myself in uncomfortable (for me) situation. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know the resentment is building recently, the thought of being 40 years old and not being wanted or needed by anyone is scary and lonely as hell but so far I don't see it worth risking my kids stability for. I wonder if the resentment is growing because my kids are getting older and need me less so there is more room for this void in my life?

What is your height and weight?
Your wife's?
What are your interests?

Start lifting weights. It is great for building muscle, losing weight, reducing stress, and also a confidence builder.

Talk to complete strangers. It doesn't have to be a whole conversation, just a few words and then move on. This will help with the shyness. Keeping it short will take the pressure off having a full conversation.

You are still like a puppy with her. You can be an awesome dude, who may or may not be needed and wanted, and it doesn't matter because you would be an awesome dude.
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post #38 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:54 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
No. Trust me, it will still be there, just as strong as ever. I speak from experience.

There are two really bad things about a sexless marriage: 1) you feel horribly unwanted, undesirable. 2) you're married to someone who, in addition to not desiring you, doesn't even love you enough to want to make you happy. The second one is worse. She's not even a good friend. She knows she's hurting you and can't be bothered to step up.

If I were you, I'd start talking divorce right now, for reason #2. Only this time, don't let her call your bluff. You'll find that her sexual interest is suddenly rekindled. I think some spouses have to realize what they're losing before they can appreciate what they have. At that point it's up to you if you want to continue to divorce, or whether living with this sort of "blackmail" arrangement is palatable, just for the sake of keeping the family intact. But in order to keep her interest, you'll always need to have the spectre of divorce looming in the background. But your threat should not be an empty one--you actually need to mentally prepare yourself for divorce and get into that mindset.

I will say this: Once your threat of divorce becomes real, you will have control of the relationship. I think this is a good thing in your case. This will change the dynamic and cause her to respect you more. The respect results in more attraction. You'll have to gauge how much of her newfound sexual interest is based on the "blackmail" aspect, and how much is based on the newfound respect and attraction.



Good post. The interest would be shorter if because of the "blackmail" and indefinite if based on newfound respect and attraction, as long as the respect and attraction are there.
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post #39 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by manwithnoname View Post
What is your height and weight?
Your wife's?
What are your interests?

Start lifting weights. It is great for building muscle, losing weight, reducing stress, and also a confidence builder.

Talk to complete strangers. It doesn't have to be a whole conversation, just a few words and then move on. This will help with the shyness. Keeping it short will take the pressure off having a full conversation.

You are still like a puppy with her. You can be an awesome dude, who may or may not be needed and wanted, and it doesn't matter because you would be an awesome dude.
We are both overweight. I'm 5'8" 190lbs, she's 5'5" and 230lbs. I completely agree about the exercise, wish I kept it up and now need to motivate myself to start again. Not sure if the lack of motivation is I work too many hours or I'm just making excuses and I'm just lazy.

The shyness has been with me since I was a teen, well before I met my wife. I do try and force myself to talk to strangers all the time and I can manage most of the time. The biggest problem is the blushing, it throws my confidence right off when that happens. I can tell you it's awkward when I blush around men, they might think I'm strange or weak no big deal. When I blush around women, especially young women they must think I'm some ugly old pervert and in reality I'm just socially uncomfortable.

As for a hobby, I'm still at a loss.

thanks manwithnoname
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post #40 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
There is a good chance that your marriage is more harmful to your children than divorce would be. Look at what they are learning about marriage and family. What they see is what they will bring into their adult life. So as long as this continues, you can expect that they will also be miserable as adults. Is that really the lesson you want to teach your children????

And think of it, one day you can explain to them that you stayed married until they were in college for them. You lived a miserable, unhappy life just for them. Do you think that they will be pleased with this? I doubt that they will see it as a good thing. Instead, it's a huge guilt trip... you were miserable just for them. What a legacy to give your children.

The reason that your ultimatum did not work is because it had not bite. Both options had nothing that would shake her up. Of course she took #2. She could do the same thing you have been doing, just coasting in misery for years.

And ultimatum with teeth is something like "Either we get into counseling, read and work on the Marriage Builder books (see links below) and fix this marriage or I'm filing for divorce. You have 24 hours to decide."

There... now she knows that you are serious. You would need to have a lawyer lined up ahead of time so that if she says no to working on the marriage, she is served divorce papers in a day or so.

That would get her attention.

Maybe I'm just blind to reality but I just don't see it that way. My wife and I somehow make it work, we are like good friends living together (at least so far). She doesn't hate or dislike me, she just not interested in me sexually. We care for each other when sick, we worry about each other, talk, work together around home and are even playful with each other. The only thing different my kids would see between us and a normal couple is there isn't hand holding, cuddling on the couch or kissing (other than a peck on the cheek). The kids also will never experience the trauma of walking in while we are having sex Now this will only continue this way if I could keep my resentment in check, maybe that's why I'm here?

Your advice above is spot on, so is everyone's I'm just not seeing that the risk is worth the reward. It doesn't help that my self worth is so low I can't even imagine meeting anyone again, not even sure I have the confidence to have sex again with my wife or anyone.
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post #41 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
No. Trust me, it will still be there, just as strong as ever. I speak from experience.
I know my sex drive will still be around at 50, was just wishing it wasn't as it would make this easier


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Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post

I will say this: Once your threat of divorce becomes real, you will have control of the relationship. I think this is a good thing in your case. This will change the dynamic and cause her to respect you more. The respect results in more attraction. You'll have to gauge how much of her newfound sexual interest is based on the "blackmail" aspect, and how much is based on the newfound respect and attraction.
Even before this 5 year spell I would complain about our sex life and demand things change, the sex would be back for a short stint. This always felt like blackmail and just made me feel worse. If she is just having sex with me so I don't leave, that's not wanting me and not what I'm in need of. If duty sex is all I desired, getting a prostitute would be cheaper and less of a hassle
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post #42 of 42 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 05:40 AM
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Re: Married - Wife more into Celebrity worship, fantasy, Fan Fic then me?

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I know my sex drive will still be around at 50, was just wishing it wasn't as it would make this easier




Even before this 5 year spell I would complain about our sex life and demand things change, the sex would be back for a short stint. This always felt like blackmail and just made me feel worse. If she is just having sex with me so I don't leave, that's not wanting me and not what I'm in need of. If duty sex is all I desired, getting a prostitute would be cheaper and less of a hassle
Never complain about lack of sex, she's see it as whining, and it looks weak to her. You've put up with this too long. The second bold part, I've been through. It feels like the marriage is on life support and the sex is administered through a drip feed IV, with your wife controlling it.

Do this:
1. Change your eating habits (I can be more specific if you want)
2. Start working out. Lifting is better than cardio
3. Join a mixed martial arts club, kick boxing, jiujitsu, karate etc. Something like this will help fitness, confidence, and might help you find other hobbies through the people you meet.


What province are you in?
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