Constantly Lying & also watching Porn - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:35 AM Thread Starter
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Constantly Lying & also watching Porn

A brief rundown on the situation -
Both in mid 30's. Been together for 16yrs and married for 8. Both full-time workers (husband works long hours) financially stable with 3 houses and travel a lot. No children.

My husband had lied to me continuously about 15 years ago about smoking. I hate smoking. We got over that hurdle but then were faced with the next -I found out a couple of years ago that my husband was watching porn behind my back. He then said he would never do it again as he knows how much I hate it and it makes me feel disrespected, ugly and not good enough in bed. I then found he was still watching it and when I confronted him he looked me in the eyes and swore on my life that he was not watching it. This went on for about 20 minutes until I showed him proof on the old phone that he was watching it. He told me he had an addiction and then proceeded to get counselling and since has told me he knows how much it hurt me and it is wrong to lie to me and he would never do it again etc etc.
Now - whilst on facebook last week I got a notification that he had liked some disgusting porn page. I asked him if there is anything he thinks I should know and he said no. May I ad that anytime I have caught him out and say I don't believe him, he would pretty much abuse me saying I am wrong and he would never lie to me and so forth. I have now found out that he has been watching porn through facebook. He swore he wasn't doing anything until I had to spell it out for him that I saw the notification. He has told me that he is going to put in writing why he has been watching it and lying to me as it is easier for him to communicate like that and tell me everything that he is feeling and wants me to know. Over a week later, no letter and no real apology. To make this deeper, I was clearing up my apps on my phone yesterday and had noticed that he had been online on Whatsapp. He never uses whatsapp. I asked him if he had anything that he feels I should know again. He said no and kept promising that he didn't. After pretty much an argument he then texted me saying that a friend from overseas had messaged him on there asking to meet up and he deleted the message because of our existing trust issues. He says he met with the friend for 10 minutes during work hours. I then asked him lastnight if I can look at his phone and he refused to allow me to look at it by myself. I also found some photos of Porn looking girls from his Viber account. I have a history of depression from a previous physically and mentally abusive relationship and also from the constant lies. Over the last 9 months we have had 3 family deaths that were very close to us which has resulted in me being a down again. I also have to have an Op next week to remove a cancer and this has now made me even more down. I now feel ugly and disgusting as my husband chooses to watch porn and lie to me. I used to be a very sexually active female and I would love to be having sex with my husband at least every second night though I have found that a lot of the times I feel sick with the thought as I think of the other women he has been looking at. I have tried to explain to him that Porn is nowhere near a reality. It is just money making and destroys marriages. I am now at the point where I am 99% certain that I want a divorce. The constant lies makes me always paranoid and I can not stand to think of living any longer with the doubt in my mind and lack of trust I have for him. I am starting to question if we were still together because we have been together for so long and it was easier just to stay together. When someone gains my full trust and makes me feel good about myself then I simply love having sex though at this point I am just not feeling like that. I have spoken to a solicitor who works near me in regards to the divorce process. I am lost as to what t do as I love who he used to be though not who he has become. I also hate who I have become because of these issues.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Constantly Lying & also watching Porn

Has your sex life been good for both of you? Is he watching porn and ignoring you sexually, or is he watching porn in addition to being intimate with you?

There is lots of disagreement on this issue. To many people porn is just like masturbation - something that is fine in a relationship as long as it is not replacing sex with a partner.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Constantly Lying & also watching Porn

SHEESH! I think you are married to my husband. Our situations are eerily creepily similar.

Let me guess- everyone thinks the sun shines out of his ***? Only you see his lies? Nicest guy you'd ever meet to everyone else?
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Constantly Lying & also watching Porn

I can't/won't tolerate such dishonesty. Deception undermines the entire marriage. Once you know your partner can look you in the eye and knowingly lie with a straight face...how can you ever trust anything they tell you again?

Your story is a great example. He proved he was a liar over the smoking. You say you got past that, but you can't get past the fact that he is a bald-faced liar. So here you are. Reliving the same problem just over a different subject matter. What's the next topic he will lie to you about?

If the guy owned his porn usage and disagreed with you about its importance I could support him. Instead, he proves he is a coward. I'd leave. Not over the porn, but because I won't live my life with someone I can't trust.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Constantly Lying & also watching Porn

If I were you, I'd plan for a separation while letting him know what he could do to keep you in the marriage. I'd lay it out in an email or letter in very specific itemized steps of what you need and expect in your marriage. I'd use His Needs, Her Needs as a guide in coming up with what I want in marriage (an open and honest, interdependent marriage).

Set the bar high and go for broke- he may have it in him to do it.

But quietly prepare for a separation in case he does not. Give it a month. If he is not actively working to prove to you he can have an open and honest, fully transparent interdependent marriage, I'd move out. Plan for at least a year. Let him know that he will need to prove to you he can follow the list if he wants you back.

You should not have to live in a marriage like this. Thank goodness you don't have children.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Constantly Lying & also watching Porn

I completely disagree with your thoughts on porn, but I completely agree with you about dishonesty.

Get the divorce and make sure you find a guy who doesn't like porn either.
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