Zhopa

My wife (who avoids intimacy) spends a great deal of time shopping online... she can find great things out there, but the house if filling up with 'great things', the basement is full of empty boxes, two or three new boxes arrive per day, and our chequing account is cleaned out completely before my next paycheque comes. I even moonlighted to get some extra money to do some much-needed improvements on our house; she quickly spent that as well.

Our marriage counsellor tries to get me to 'work on things'... how about the bloody shopping addiction - perhaps the profession should recognise this, instead of getting only the man to make changes.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your wife is going to need serious therapy in order to get over her addiction. I grew up where my parents were the ones who both had their spending addictions. My father was a gambler and my mother had and still has a spending problem. My dad was laid off a few times from missed work due to gambling. He was doing well for himself, but between the both of them they went in heaps of debt. A few years ago my father lost his job due to the economy. Luckily they were able to sell their house(lake home) for a very good price. They moved into our home until they were back up on their feet. They paid for their built home in cash and debt free for the first time in 35 years. 3 years later they are in heaps of debt due to my mothers spending habits. They now have a mortgage on their house that was paid in cash. It's a severe problem. My parents have zero retirement saved and they are near 70 in age. My dad should be retired, but will be working until the day he dies.

My brother and I actually learned from their mistakes. Neither one of us are spenders, but my brother did marry a woman with a spending addiction. I personally think its as bad as being a drug addict, alcoholic, or gambler. This would be a deal breaker for me big time.

Good luck. This is a serious problem. If I were you, I'd be taking control of the finances completely and not have access to any credit cards, checkbook, cash/debit card. Give her an allowance of what you can afford.
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Cherry

This It is a serious problem and she may need treatment on her own. But in the meantime, you can do what I'mInLove suggested. Also it may be time to change MC's if they are ignoring this problem of hers, especially if it is a major complaint of yours during the sessions and she is blowing you off. This should not be dismissed because the financial repercussions can be great.

827Aug

Tell the counselor you'll "work on things" when her spending addiction is addressed. My estranged husband and his mother are compulsive shoppers. Even a zero or negative bank balance don't stop them. It doesn't bother them to get collection calls all the time. The best thing to do is separate your finances. If your wife doesn't get help for her shopping habit, you may want to consider leaving. I put up with it entirely too long--more than 20 years.

Zhopa

Thank you folks, before this thread I had no idea that such an addiction existed.

SandovalWinifred

You know I had a shopping addiction - but when once I have spent all my money for some goods and my child and I didn't know what to eat for the whole month - that was my guilt....that was for me a very good lesson and after that I control my thoughts and wishes.


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waiwera

I spent my entire 20's and 30's buying and collecting stuff.

I'm going to 45 this year and i've spent the past 5 years getting RID of stuff.

I think this must be my zen period!

It feels so much better to have less stuff.

devin621

This.

It's getting a bit off topic, but my life is so much calmer since I started going a bit more minimalist.

Back to the OP, how hard/realistic would it be to put your extra money in an account that she couldn't access? It could work to save money, but might just create more problems w/trust issues.

Mavash.

Why are you putting such a huge problem in the hands of a marriage counselor? YOU need to take charge of this problem. Take back control over the finances, take the credit cards away and give her an allowance. If she won't address it you at least need to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries before she sinks you financially.

Oh and since she's shopping online you'll need to get new cards so the credit card number is new and it's not memorized by her favorite stores. Make sure paypal is disabled or shut down. And CANCEL the internet.

Jellybeans

Cut her off financially.

Tell her if she wants to shop, she needs to get a job or use the money she makes from her job to shop--that you arent helping fund her addiction anymore.

Hard consequences. Now.