NU89

Hello!

My fiancée and I have been together for almost four years. He proposed in March 2011 and I of course said yes. At the time, I was very happy, but I secretly was a little concerned. In the year and a half or so before our engagement, our romantic relationship had dwindled to almost non-existent. I would try and ask him why we no longer got physical unless I begged, but he would always tell me he didn't know. BS.

In October I was getting fed up and I began to pressure him to give me a reason for the lack of intimacy. He finally admitted that he had been spending a lot of time looking at porn (I had been suspicious after stumbling onto information from NUMEROUS sites he had PAID FOR!). I told him that I was hurt that he had been hiding it from me for over a year while he saw me suffering emotionally. I also told him that I would give him my support as long as I could monitor his internet time and he would see a therapist. He agreed.

He has since seen a therapist a grand total of 3 times, and they haven't even addressed the porn issue (he also has an OCD-type problem I knew about). He continues to find ways to look at it and then lies to me until I catch him in the act! Then he apologizes and says, "Never again". Yeah right. I've recently discovered he's been lying to me about numerous small stuff too.

I have stopped wearing my ring and I do not consider us a couple at the moment, but I don't know if I should break it off. I'm extremely hurt and confused because I can't understand why someone would hide so much from someone they say they love, but I pity him because I think he really does need help. I also don't want to explain to our families why we are no longer together. Any ideas on how I should proceed?

EleGirl

He suffers from OCD and has a porn addiction. Like most addicts he's become quite a liar. He's not following through on his treatment.

If you stay with him you will become his 'mother'. You will be trying to stop him from watching porn and he will be the naughty boy looking for every way to get around you and hide what he is doing.

Why does he do this? Well for one thing he can.. you've let it go on for some time now. You are playing the role of a co-dependent. He likes having you around because he loves you. He does not want to be alone. But he gets too much gratification (read good brain chemicals) from the porn. You lose because porn is always available, never says no, never is emotional... it's easy.

You really should start thinking of how you are going to end this relationship. You will never get the love you want out of this relationship.

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sillygirl

OMG! You are so me 30 years ago. You however have one big advantage that I did not, You found out before the "I do" part. Before the Information Hiway changed everything. You may still love him but you need to love yourself more. Save yourself from a situation that will only grow worse as he chases that next "High ". As his addiction becomes your emotional, physical and financial burden as well it will be you dealing with feelings of resentment and a sense of hoplessness that has me at this very moment looking for answers. Walk away with you dignity and self worth and live the life you deserve.

Hope1964

Buy him the book In The Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes, get him the contact info for Sexaholics Anonymous, and then pack up your bags and get out. If he isn't addressing his issues, you need to end it.

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I_Will_Survive

Listen to these people. You remind me of me 20+ years ago. When I was engaged I started to suspect my future husband had issues, and he admitted to "chronic masturbation" (try, "compulsive porn & masturbating.")

20+ years later, I discover he's a serial cheater. He always claimed it was just porn but with the explosion of the internet and easy sex, he became out of control. For years he spent the majority of his free time trawling the internet for sex. Now he's in a full-blown relationship with another woman. This has all come out in the past few months and has been devastating to me.

Save yourself the agony. Get out now.

rosie6996

run.. get the hell away.
I'm in a relationship (?) with a porn addict. It doesn't get better, it just gets worse. It will get to a point that he will be on it on the computer, playing a dvd and on the dam phone.

If you aren't into porn, there is no relationship to be worked on.

that_girl

My best friend from childhood married a man after 2 years of dating and they were both virgins.

After 5 years of marriage, his porn addiction was brought to light when he got fired from the church he worked at--- because he was jacking off to porn in the church office.

They went through therapy and she researched so much about porn and how porn addiction escalates into other perversions.

Their sex life got painful and demeaning to her. She was thinking of leaving (this is 10 years in).

She left last year when he admitted to molesting their 2 year old daughter. Twice. She called the cops and he is on probation as a sex offender. For life. Good. Ass.

She wishes to god she knew about his addiction and perversions before marriage. After all this came out, he told her about his past (before her) and what he was into. It was sickening. She wished she never married him. Now she's a single mom of 4...one child has severe autism.

What I'm saying is, you KNOW he is like this and you aren't married.

DO NO MARRY HIM.

Be thankful you have seen the light.

__________________

joe kidd

Sounds like marriage material to me.

Jaxie

You are so lucky you found out now. I have been married almost 7 years and just learned my husband has been addicted since before he even met me. He did such a great job of hiding it to. DO NOT MARRY HIM.

sailing free

The problem only gets worse... Run run run as fast as you can. You are so lucky it was before the " I do's".
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Dill

I will agree with what everyone has told you. RUN. I am 11 years into marriage with a man with a host of addictions, of which porn was one, and let me tell you, it's hell. The lying and broken promises never stop. Get away before your soul is permanently damaged by the hurt.

As for what you tell your family, don't worry about that! Tell them whatever you like. Tell them it just didn't work out, that you weren't right for each other after all. If they ask for more details than that, they are being nosy and should mind their own business.