Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
One reads about cases where the mother ignored all the signs, and bang something happens.
On the other hand, you are seeing all the signs, but have no solid evidence.
I wonder whether he appears to be perpetually thinking of sex because you don't want him. What is your frequency of sex like?
On the other hand, fathers will go out of their way NOT to rub their crotch against any family member who is not their wife, so this does sound odd.
Again on the other side, all healthy young men get erections during dream sleep, irrespective of the content of the dream. It is caused by the nervous system relaxing the smooth muscle in the penis.
He is now sleeping on his own and you are sleeping with the daughter? This is getting to the point where outside help may be needed.
Yes, I believe alot of you think that I am assuming alot and to an outsider it seems like alot of assuming.
Before I actually confronted my husband about the situation with my youngest she was already maybe 6 years old. The reason is because I was waiting to be sure, because this is a very serious accusation.
When we first got married he' very attractive and he was more of the wordly kind of guy, but a very nice guy, just not the churchie type person. We had some very happy years for the first three years of our marriage and then after I had our first child he became very uninvolved and almost recentful with the baby daughter. It was alot of work and it took away from our time together. He told me recently that I have ignored him since I became a mother.
He has always been kind of flirty and it kind of bothered me but I didn' have a lot of time to worry about that because I was rasing the children pretty much alone. I have been a stay at home for that many years. I have also gone to school durring that time so I have been very busy to really give him more attention. I think that he should just got involved more with our family.
My husband is also very retrospective person he doesn't try hard to make friends, he doesn't keep contact with his family and with my family since they are more religious he doesn't really tries too hard to make friends with them. My borthers and sisters all seem to have pretty good marriages at least for what I hear and see. But...we seemed to be the falshy ones with all the problems.
I have been lately trying to figure out what I did wrong for him to behave this way, and I asked him and he said that I told him one day that I didn't care for sex anymore. I don't rememver saying that, but I do remember that due to hormonal changes I have been having low sex drive so I remember telling him that I didn't have as much interest anymore.
My youngest daughter sleeping between us didn't help, and maybe my husband had urges and I was pooped and also my daughter was sleeping with us and so maybe he allowed his mind to run wild. I have heard that pornography will disensitize men and will affect their judgement.
My husband's pornography problem wasn't just recently I think as I said before he has done it in the past, and it has been affecting his judgement, because I have no other explanations for him to look at our daughters that way.
My oldest daughter loves her dad so much and doesn't want to get involved and say bad things about him so when I asked her if he has ever touched her inapropiately, she said no that I remember, but she did say that she feels uncomfortable to go out with him alone, so she never went out without her brother, I could never understand why but now, I can understand better.
My youngest daughter ahs been taking health classes and she hates that class she says is disgusting stuff and she doesn't want to share anything about her class. I have asked her if anybody has ever touched her inapporpiately and she said no.
I think my husband is good man but he is very misguided, his dad never had a relationship with him and he doesn't call him. He feels his dad should call him and so I think my husband was raised without that guidance. Perhaps that is why he got into porn as well, perhaps to overcome those feelings of emptiness because he is a shy person (except with women).
We have been going to counseling and I have shared my concerned about his sex adddiction with the counselor but my hsuband denies it. He told the counselor that he knows his limitations and that he would never hurt our daughters. So I don't know what to think anymore. I can't talk to anyone about this except the counselor. The counselor tells me if you really feel that you have to be watching him every moment because you are afraid for your daughter then you should leave him. BUT...
This is the scary part, my husband told me,think about what you want to do about this feelings you have about our daughter, because if we get a divorce,she will have to come and stay with me alone, because you have no proof for the court to stop me from seeing her.
So... I get really confused about what to do.
Right now I sleep half of the night with our daughter to protect her and half of the night with him to stop him from going back to porn. It is exhausting.
Thanks for all the advice everyone and I am sorry this got so long.
This is the scary part, my husband told me,think about what you want to do about this feelings you have about our daughter, because if we get a divorce,she will have to come and stay with me alone, because you have no proof for the court to stop me from seeing her.
I was actually thinking about this the other day after i said to leave him. I remember reading another posters story about having to leave her kids alone with a man that might abuse them, and that the courts wouldnt do anything about it because she had no 'proof'.
you are in a very tough situation. i think you should do whatever feels like you would be protecting your daughter.
Than you for withstanding my tough questioning
I have been loath to jump to conclusions either way. It is important to make efforts to be fair when one only hears the story from one side.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GA2009
I have been lately trying to figure out what I did wrong for him to behave this way, and I asked him and he said that I told him one day that I didn't care for sex anymore. I don't rememver saying that, but I do remember that due to hormonal changes I have been having low sex drive so I remember telling him that I didn't have as much interest anymore.
OK. So sexually speaking, what has been the outcome since the kids came along. Do you have a regular sex life, or was he going for long periods of time frustrated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GA2009
It was alot of work and it took away from our time together. He told me recently that I have ignored him since I became a mother.
.
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He has always been kind of flirty and it kind of bothered me but I didn' have a lot of time to worry about that because I was rasing the children pretty much alone. I have been a stay at home for that many years. I have also gone to school durring that time so I have been very busy to really give him more attention. I think that he should just got involved more with our family.
So is he correct? Did you ignore him?
My guess a this point is that there may be two issues here. His sex drive was frustrated, and in getting no response from you, it has become somewhat twisted and manifests as inappropriate flirting and worse, but hopefully has not yet crossed the line into full blown abuse.
This is the scary part, my husband told me,think about what you want to do about this feelings you have about our daughter, because if we get a divorce,she will have to come and stay with me alone, because you have no proof for the court to stop me from seeing her.
Asking your daughters might not help...maybe he's been masturbating or doing other stuff to them while they are asleep?
maybe you should start collecting some evidence...maybe you should install hidden cameras? what about computer spyware to see what kind of porn he looks at? there's a lot of incest porn out there...if he has facebook profile or other profile, maybe you should set up a fake teenage girl profile and send him messages see if he bites...? or maybe you should look for a professional investigator to help you if you have money?
A lot of perverts exist out there...my best friend's father is one of them...he has given me looks, invited me to his house for wine...but i never went...and the last straw was when he squeezed my breasts and butt...i have never went to their house since, i told his children but they just laughed it off saying he was just an old guy having some harmless fun...but thanks God i wasn't a minor...i was 24 at that time...but who knows what he might be doing to other girls? they are very social people and there's always young kids coming in and out their house...
I would definitely seek some professional help to address this with your daughters. I had to deal with the suspicion of someone (her mothers boyfriend) possibly molesting my step-daughter, and the advise I got was DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! They said to take her to a professional and have them ask the questions. The problem with a parent asking is the possibility of the parent putting ideas in the daughters head and then they cannot rely on what the daughter says and use it in court. It is a whole different situation if the daughter just starts talking about it on her own. IF that happens, they said to not give a reaction in anyway...act as though she were telling you about her day at school. The reason being that the girl is more likely to keep talking since you don't act surprised, mad, or anything else. And remember, in situations with a father, the daughters will feel loyalty to their father, or a whole slew of other emotions that may keep them quiet about anything that may of happened. You can call and ask questions of people without giving names and details...ie: Child Protective Services, or any Child Advocacy Center. Listen to your gut and get a definite yes or no one way or the other. Your guilt will be immense if you ignore your intuition and later find out you could of prevented something horrible from happening. I would also say it won't do any good to ask him about it...how many cases do you know where someone openly admits to a crime of any type?
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Take BOTH your daughters to see a professional and get the truth.
if he has sexually abused your daughters in anway, have him arrested, file a restraining order on him for both your daughters, find the best damn lawyer you can find that specializes in this and don't worry about $$.
If you were my neighbor and I faound out he did this to your daughters I would Kick his ASk....
MT I will answer your question. Yes our intimate life has definetely been affected by circumstances such as the kids, and life in general, his work and commuting also. However, if he would have been more involved with our kids when he came home, then I would have been more available and perhaps more up to it.
I remember telling him one day that I was going through hormonal problems because I had no interest, but I also remember that the reason I lost interest was because I was starting to see strange things from his behavior towards our daughters, this was about 6 years ago.
My thoughts on that matter is that he wants things done but he doesn't want to have to work for them, if would spend less time in his computer I would be more into him. Lack of commitment and that unfortunately is his personality in many aspects. He gets excited about starting something but he never goes through with it. He doesn't get completely involved in anything and he is not very motivated, perhaps he was more when we first met but then he slowly changed and lost it. He lacks passion for anything except, his lusting habit and his computer game that he plays. World of WarCraft, he is definetely into fantasy, spends about 4 to 8 hours a day. That is his religion, and his passion. He tells me I need a hobby.
I am more spiritual than he is, actually and I am closer to my children.
My husband likes to isolate himself and doesn't particpate or like to make friends. However he is very friendly with the women neighbors, he smiles and gives them looks and tries to make conversation with them. The same with our daughters he loves to make conversation with them, however, the only relationship that he has with our son is through the game they play and it is very impersonal. That always makes me wonder. Because he tells me that I am stopping him from having a relationship with his kids, but I know that what he is really talking about is our daughters.
This is a really difficult situation. Today I asked him to go to counseling by himself and talk to him openly and to be honest with him about his flirting and lusting after our daughters and he said he would at one point and later he shared with me that what he did instead was to complain about how I have made out to be such a monster, and that I am savotaging his relationship with our children, and that I acusse him of going to porn websites when he already stopped.
Truth is he told me stopped but he still continues with the same behaviors. I honestly think that he has been doing this porn thing since before we got married. He said his brother used to show him magazines when he was 14 or 15 and maybe he got addicted since. Porn messes up people and relationships. My husband is the result of many years of lusting after those pictures and other women too. His behavior is very careless and he doesn't plan for the future, he is always in fantasy land, and impossible to get his attention. Always into computers or TV. or lost in his own thoughts. Gets angry if I ask him why he is so uninvolved, and spaced out. Just doesn't live much of a life. He says he likes fantasy.
GAsoccerman it seems to me you are a great father, good for you. I have been thinking about taking my youngest daughter to a counselor but I don't want to traumatise her with those types of questions. She is already very reluctant to talking about sex. As for my older daughter she leaves away from us and these problems with me and my husband have created distance between us and she doesn't care to get involved. I wish you could teach my husband a lesson or two about how to be a good father.
To all of you who suggested cameras, I have thought of it but don't know how to go about it.
I can see sometimes that my husband feels remorse but it doesn't seem to last too long.
OK, so you gave some good answers, but can I ask for detail? How often have you had sex in the last 12 months? and what kind of sex is it? (quality etc.)
It's important to understand that so-called "sex addiction" is not an official diagnosis recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. It is a term made up by "Sexperts" trying to peddle books, various 12 step cultists. and religious hellfire and damnation types.
However, hypersexuality can be a problem whether it is serial affairs, porn, prostitutes or fetishistic behavior. There is a very good reason why these problems are not grouped under an official heading of "sex addiction" It is because they are all symptoms of psychological disorders already recognized by the APA such as obsessive compulsive disorder, attachment disorders (RAD) and various types of anxiety and depressive disorders which, like alcoholism, are considered mental illnesses which are treated by psychotherapy and/or medication.
This is also the reason why 12 step programs to treat these psychological sexual illnesses have an extremely high failure rate.
MT to answer your question, how often do we have sex. Our relationship was not very good for a few years, because of what I saw my husband trying to do to our baby daughter. It really hurt me so bad that I didn't even care be close to him.
Last sept I found porn on his computer and I was also devastated with that, in fact I think the fact that I found the porn in sept. doesn't tell me that he hasn't been doing it for longer, because he said I rejected him, he said he has done it for a few years but I think it has been longer than a few years I think it has been more like many many years, because during our pregnancy, we never had sex. I also think he became addicted to porn, because he was very reluctant to be close to our family and just very destracted all the time, seemed into another world. I just know it was the porn...
As for now, he has told me that he quit the porn and so I have been trying to fix our relationship by sleeping with him at least part of the night, and being intimate at lest once a week. He says he is fine witht that. But, I think he would rather Mast.. and fantasize because he has become so addicted to Mast.... He denies it. He says he is not doing it. But...everytime I go downstairs and he is all alone(which he likes to spend alot of time alone) he is touching his crotch and turns away from me, he is obssesed with his sexuality.
He says he is not and yells at me so loud that the whole neighborhood can hear him.
So, I feel that even though I am trying to fix our intimate life, he is still more into fantasizing and even trying to look at any women's panties adds or tv shows and mast.... I find that unacceptable.
Mr.B you said that sex addiction is just a term Psychiatrist use for people with obsessions. Well, my husband is defientely obsessed with lusting and his P.... It is the only thing that I think is important in his life.
Something intersting, he saw the counselor and told him that I don't trust him and that his sex obsession is mild...??? I don't think so. He didn't tell me everything the counselor said but he said that I will conitnue my comp is dying
As for now, he has told me that he quit the porn and so I have been trying to fix our relationship by sleeping with him at least part of the night, and being intimate at lest once a week.
wow i don't know how u do that, u are very strong...
i think you have to protect yourself and your daughters, there's nothing you can do to cure a sex addict in denial
Re: Sex addiction
