Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Hello I am new here.I am not the type to join groups online but I am here out hopelesness. I have been married for 24 years and recently found out my husband has been viewing pornography for many years.
I was wondering for a while what was wrong with my relationship, my husband was very absentminded and show little interest for our family. After reading many articles about men becoming addicted to pornography and messing their marriages I became addicted to finding out more about it. Well, I have been really shocked to find out that pornography is more serious than I thought. Sexual addiction is what my husband's porn addiction has developed into. Here are some of the symptoms, emotional detachment, lack of involvement,lying, anger, spending alot of time by himself, waking up in the middle of the night, lusting, lack of intimacy and even affairs.
After confronting my husband about his pornography and talking to him about how he could have a sex addiction he denies having anything like that. I live with him I have seen all the symptoms but again he denies and gets really angry everytime I see him act a certain way and I confront him. btw...myhusband spends lots of his time on the computer and in the bathroom, he also lusts after every attractive woman when we go out in public which off course takes away all my confidence. This has been going on for years and we argue alot about this. We have good days but lately the bad days are more than the good ones.
He denies having any problems and instead says that I am possesive and jealouss. I now think that my husband has been viewing porn for many years behind my back.
I don't think pornography is good for any relationship in fact I think porn is degrading to women and harmful to any relationship. Men that view pornography as my husband said want to masturbate to those pictures and also prefer to that to their spouses because it is quick and it doesn't requiere any type of intimacy.
We have been seeing a counselor but my husband says it is not necessary because he has quit looking at porn and he has no desire to do it, yet his behaviors of lusting after every woman he sees are still there, as well as his anger and detachment from us.
I am sorry if this got kind of lenghty, I just wanted to explain what I am going through. Hopefuly I can get some advice.
myhusband spends lots of his time on the computer and in the bathroom, he also lusts after every attractive woman when we go out in public which off course takes away all my confidence.
I know how you feel. I knew my H was addicted to porn, but he always lied to me and told me he wasnt checking out other girls. but i could tell something was off b/c he was so detached from me. i felt like he didnt even know i was there when we were in public together.
so one day when we were at the mall, i asked him to be honest with me. i asked him if he was checking out other girls. he said yes. man, i lost it. after everything else i had been through with him, this was the straw that broke me. i stormed out of the place, threw my ring out the window on the drive home, and filed for divorce when i got home.
I didnt go through with it, and although things are better between us, i still dont like being in public with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GA2009
We have been seeing a counselor but my husband says it is not necessary because he has quit looking at porn and he has no desire to do it, yet his behaviors of lusting after every woman he sees are still there, as well as his anger and detachment from us.
If he's really being honest about not viewing porn, then im sure he wouldnt mind if you put a monitoring system on his computer. K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software this is what i have on mine. my H put it on himself b/c he really wants to quit the porn addiction. i have the password and i can look at it whenever i want. ask your H to put this on his computer. if he gets angry and defensive and wont let you put it on there, then he's lying and hiding things behind your back. he'll tell you you're trying to be controlling, treating him like a child, blah, blah, blah. dont listen to it. he's manipulating you b/c he doesnt want to be accountable for his lies. you dont have to put one on there if he wont let you. You'll have your answer one way or another.
Sweety my heart is hurting for you right now. I so know first hand where you are coming from. Your husband has brought other women into your home and possibly your bed and I know that is hard. We as women see this for what it is. Wrong, disgusting, sinful, harmful...men sometimes don't. They make excuses as do any addict. Get out your bible. Read him scripture about how God feels about porn and lust. The bible says that any man that looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already commited adultry. How does he feel about that? That should be a slap in the face.
I agree with the other poster, you should definately have an online filter placed on all computers in your home immediately. www.truevine.net/contract.html is the one that we use. It is VERY cheap, simple, and you can set it to be as free or strict as you see fit. They are a Christian blocker and I highly recommend their service. There is a website that you should check out. You may have beem there already in your search for answers. It is Free info about porn and sexual addictions. I recomend you visit this site, have your husband visit it (it WILL bring him to conviction) and if he will not, print off things for him and leave them lying around where his curious mind will most definately find them and check them out. I also recomend you and him watching the movie Fireproof. It is about a man that is also addicted to porn. It is new, just came out on DVD and me and my DH highly recomend it for good, great, and troubled marriages! It is wonderful. There is also a website with help and direction that is linked to the movie. It is Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com Check that out.
Next, I would suggest you FLOOD your home with scripture. This is something that I did when me and my DH were first married (he was an unbeliever and addict of MANY things). I am in the process of doing it again as well as we are in a rut in our relationship and our faith. I am telling you hunny... it will do wonders for your heart, your mind and will definately affect him as well. Sometimes reading Gods word is not enough. Sometimes we really have to soak it all in. I simply took sticky notes and wrote some topical scripture and notes on them. I the placed them on the mirrors, on the door frame to the front door for when we are walking out of the door. Look in the back of your bible and look up any word that you are dealing with right now. Hope, Peace, Addiction, Marriage....go to bible.org or focusonthefamily and search for scripture. Then, you need to do some house cleaning honey. You are the wife here and you alone. You go through your house and get EVERYTHING that has any idea of sexual immorality and you box it up and you throw it out. Magazines, movies, advertisements. You have got to make your home a "safe zone" for you and for him. Sin don't live here no more...I got odd looks from the trash man the day me and my DH cleaned house. Have you ever seen a man take a four foot stack of porn out back and burn it??? That is what all of this and some serious prayer led my DH to do. I did not even know that he had them.
God bless you honey and your hurting heart. I will bow before God tonight and pray a special healing prayer for you and your husband. If you need anything at all, know that I am here and have been there. I am young, and you have almost been married as long as I have been alive, but I have been there and I care about you. I know that together you and God can bring conviction and healing to your dear husband. Pray for him right now honey.
Dear Lord....I life up my dear friend here's husband to you...I pray Lord that you would convict this man of his hurtful horrible sin Lord that is not only tearing him down but is causing real pain for his wife. Lord I pray that he would see what is happening here, come out of denial and into your throne of grace...seeking forgiveness from you and her as well. Lord God, I lift up my dear friend here as well Lord as we know that porn and lust affects more than just the addict...it affects the whole family and is like a vulture waiting for the dead flesh. Lord I pray for her strength and wisdom in this horrible time of confusing. I pray that you would lead her to do and say the things that you would have her to...In your holy and precious name....Amen
God Bless you dear...
Thanks to both of you for your support and for the great advice. I truly appreciate it and even though I don't wish this to any woman, it is good to know that I am not alone.
I have tried so many different things to get rid off of this problem. You see I thought that this was all my fault because I have been busy raising my children and since my husband has not been too involved with us I have had to do the job of both of us. I have been a stay at home mom the entire time, and had felt very alone because as I said this has been going on for along time. The pronography that I found back in sept was the tip of the iceburg and that is what has made me realize that my husband has a sex addiction.
Right now we argue constantly because it seems to me that he sexualizes every woman, I have even seen him lusting after our two daughters ,that is how far things have gone.
I keep hoping that if we find the right counselor and that he will be able to spot what is going on, but my husband has become very deceiving and he is very good at puting on a face for each person he talks to. I keep telling him that I can no longer recognize him and I feel that I do not know who he is anymore.
We go to church but even in church his looks are very lustful and I can tell he is not receving the message... I can tell by the way he acts and looks around at women and hardly participates.
I am constantly throwing away material that may trigger any undesirable feelings but he is not too happy about that. I put on the parental controls but he doesn't want me to block him of any websites, he says that it slows down his computer.
So far he has lost two jobs because of his lusting, recently I basically told him if he didn't quit his job I was going to leave, he was flirting with his boss I could tell by the way he treated me and his behavior altogether, and he even went as far as asking me for a divorce last year, a comment I completely ignored.
He is completely possesed by lust and denies it and instead calls me a puritan when i tell him that watching some shows that have women showing too much skin is not good becuase it causes distance between us. The reason I say this is because I know how this things trigger him and then he wants to go into the bathroom for long periods of time.
He went to a Sex anounymos gruop but he said it was too carnal and didn't want to go back, he said "besides I am not as bad as those guys, I don't think I have those problems".
Thanks for the prayer and advice and I am continually praying for him that he could be a better father and husband but for now I just hope he will accept he has a problem.
I have even seen him lusting after our two daughters ,that is how far things have gone.
You need to leave him. Its one thing that he is completely disrespecting you, but now he's warping your kids. Dont subject them to this. Your H is not going to quit. He needs a wake up call.
ok, you need to get you and your daughters out of there as fast as you can. That is incestuous disgust and he does not need the chance to change with you. He should be in prison for a long time, I am sorry, but this is just something that should NOT be taken lightly. How can anyone, sick or not, lust after thier children??? OMG...if you need help finding a shelter or something I can search your area for you, but it would be a great sin and a crime to stay there with him (to keep your daughters there anyway). How old are your girls?? NOt that that matters, but just wondering. Do they feel that he is watching them??? wow hunny, please do not make excuses for him, you must leave.
I really feel for you, this must be very difficult.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GA2009
I have even seen him lusting after our two daughters ,that is how far things have gone.
Are you absolutly sure this is the case? If you are sure, you must not let it carry on, you have a duty of care as a mother to protect your children.
However, I wonder if you are sure. What has he actually done so far? I'm not saying you are incorrect, it's just that you are making a very serious allegation here. You must be sure it is a fair judgement before you move the process further forward, becuase this man's life will be ruined once the police get involved.
Again, I'm not saying you should protect him, the children must come first.
He has given so many reasons to believe this.
Well, to start with my daughters are 11 and 21. Since my 21 y.o. was younger her looked at her and checked her out just like a man looks at a woman. I brought that to his attention and he just said you are crazy. Also, now that she is older he cheks her out everytime she would walk by and he would be sitting in our living room on his computer, he also gave her this little grin every time she went by and I notice those looks. I couldn't believe it. I also, asked him about that and he denied it completely.
When our 11 y.o was younger she used to climb between us in the middle of the night and when I was sleep I felt something that woke me up several times, some time of movement and when I would wake up, I would noticed him adjusting himself on his crotch. I became very suspicious and I started sleepin with our daughter and he started sleeping more and more in the living room. Well, I saw him several times going towards my daughter and trying to touch her. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking to see who was there. Dum excuse! I saw that a few times ans I also saw him get out from our daughters room one night and when I went in there she has no covers on. He didn't see me he waas going into the bathroom. All this happened at night while everyone slept. Right now he is constantly trying to look at her when she comes home from school and looks at her with the same looks he gives women when we go out in public. He also want to go by and touch her and get really close to her and rubs his crotch against her adn off course my daugther is too young to notice anything. He is very sneaky. He definetely does not treat her like his daughter.
So what do you think? these are some of the things I notice and he denies it all the time. He screams at me so loud when I ask him, he is very volatile.
I have asked my husband if he was molested when he was younger and he says he wasn't. However, my father in law was an alcoholic and he was not very involved with his kids.
He said that when he was growing up he spent most of his time outside wiht his friends and his friends were not the best company. I met him before we got married. My husband jyst didn't seem like that the type of person who would have or would develop this type of problem.
I truly think that pornography along with lust and lack of something spiritual in his life is the major reason he has developed all these moral issues.
I keep hoping that if we attend church he is going to change, many people change their lives completely when they convert to Christianity. So far my husband's heart is very hard and feels that he is not hurting anyone. He has lost his consience that is what I think, otherwise ho can you go as far as looking at your own children that way. It is unexplanable to me.
I have been reading alot about sex addiction and it says that men that suffer of lust and sexualize women take a lot of risks and because of that end up ruining their lives.
I agree with your husband that you are jealous and very possesive.
So far to think that he is lusting after his own daughters... have you asked your daughters hs he ever touched them inapproprately? have they ever said anything along this line? are they distant from them?
You do realize that while a man is sleeping his penis will get hard if rubbed in any which way, it is almost an instinct, and kudos for him of pulling him out of the situation by going downstairs to sleep, I made our daughter go to her bed where she belongs, same for my son's.
I'll tell my daughter if she looks good in an outfit or if she looks bad, I'll give her a hug and a kiss on the forehead, I tell her every day how pretty she is and how beautiful she is, why? to help her and her self esteem, and that she is my daughter and I only hope great things for her.
You sound very paranoid, you actually think he lusts after every woman? LOL
I have a older woman at my work that walks by my desk in a leopard shirt, she is a good 20 years older then me, but when she walks by in her shirt I always say to her, " grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr baby looking good!" She lets out a big laugh and says thanks, she knows I am teasing her and just having fun.
I can see a very good looking woman on TV, the mall or simply on the street, and I can say to my wife, "wow she is really pretty" and my wife will agree or disagree with me, but she can also do the same thing for men, I hear " brad Pitt, George Clooney, etc" all the time.
I was even given a picture of a man out of people magaize and asked if I can make my body look like his, I replied, "sure honey I'll get right to work!"
Sounds like you are parnoid your husband will leave you for whatever reason, you been married 24 years and he has never strayed, yet you have it in your mind that he must be a pervert.
I have viewed porn, it's unrealistic and most of the women are really ugly from the neck up. But hey if you can't get anything from your spouse you need a outlet right?
I believe you have very low self esteem and being home all these years has not helped. I think you both should go to marriage conseling, there are deeper issues here, while you are trying to blame your husband and the porn, that is just a symptom.
I am really sad you accused your husband of lusting after your daughters, is your 21 year old a mess? Does she have any signs? Does she stay away from your husband as much as possible? or does she hug him or anything?
I guess I am a pervert when I tell my sisters they look smoking hot an the boys should watch out.
Really I think you should really examine this situation, I imagine you have zero sex life with your husband.
Just because I haven't seen my husband doing more serious things of what I have seen it doesn't mean he hasn't, and that is one of my major worries. As I said he walks around at night when we are all sleep. I can't leave my 11 y.o alone with him anymore because He has tried to go by and rub his crotch against her when I am around thinking I can't see him, my daughter has no idea she is too young and knows very little about men.
As I said before I started sleeping with my daughter and he even came in at night in the room and tried to touch her and I woke up and, I saw him several times trying to touch her or doing something to her it was dark but I could see him doing something. I was half sleep and this happened several times. I have also caught him staring at her buttom when she is leaning down towards the computer, he was just sitting next to her starring at her butt, and I have also seen him trying to touch her butt when he is close to her. His behavior towards our daughters is just too wierd and un-dad like. He ignores our son and wants to interact with our daughters, only in a certain way. He doesn't takes the time to discipline unless I ask him to and then he gets really angry because I ask him to. Instead he acts like a dirty old man around them. My older daughter is now not living with us, but when I asked her about this, she simply says that she feels uncomfortable around him.
I think the lust problem has been going on for many years and he has cultivated those thoughts maybe at work with his coworkers and with other women because he is very flirty and then it has gone as far as our daughters.
The porn as I said is the tip of the iceburg, but I don't think porn is good for a marriage, I think is a degrading thing for women. It makes women look like objects and that has to affect men and their percepcion of women. It has turn my husband into a sex Zombie, that is the only thing that seems to get his attention anymore.
You have zero solid evidence, just what you think or imply.
If I were you, I would sit down with your Oldest daughter alone somewhere. I would be blunt and just say to her, Has your father ever done anything wrong to you when you were younger? you know the basic, "good touch or bad touch" theory.
Don't steer her and don't come up with your own conclusions.
Let her tell you, and if she asks why, just say, I want to make sure nothing is happening to (11year old child). So I need to know, has you father EVER done anything that was inappropriate?
I don't mean a slap on the butt, either. I coach my daughters soccer team and I am around young girls all the time some of them are extremely loving girls, but as their coach I have to make sure they understand what is appropriate behavior, while it is OK for my daughter to jump on my back or slap my tush, it's not ok for the other girls to do it, becuase they are not my daughters. I had my goalie who ahd gloves on say to me, Can you tuck my shirt in for me, I simply said no dear, I can't do that, have another player help you or go see your mom or dad to tuck it in.
As a father society has made me uncomfortable around my daughter, I am worried about what other people think or might interpet as to what is good or bad touch. Will someone call the cops if I slap my daughter on the tush for doing a great job on the soccer field?
When we go on vacation we usually get 1 room for 5 of us, My wife and 2 sons sleep in 1 bed, while My daughter and I sleep in another....OH MY GOD!!! why is this? well I will tell you why, becuase my daughter and I are "still" sleepers, we do not toss and turn, when we fall asleep, she stays still and so do i, While my wife and two boys are all over the place, which makes for a very uncomfortable sleep for the "driver" which is me, if I am going to be driving any amount of time, I need a good sleep.
While soon we will be getting a second attached hotel room for the kids, it is hard not to save a couple of hundred dollars by sharing a room.
Also for the "walking around at night" I've done that as well, often to check on my children, to make sure they are ok or to make sure they turned the TV's off, etc.
If I were you, I would sit down witht he 21 year old and make sure nothing bad has happened in the past, if she comes out and says something has? well I would call the cops immediately and have him arrested and get him out of your lives.
Have you ever taken your 11 daughter to an OBY to make sure nothing has ever happened to her? they would know if she has ever had anything happen to her.
I mean seriously, you need to seperate fact from fiction.
none of this "what if or what could happen"
Someone has filled your head with some really bad thoughts, you need to decide what is going on here.
You best answers with your 21 year old, if she says, "dad has never been bad with me" I would take her word, I would even ask the 11 year old, has dad ever done anything inapproprate?
Tell them you need to know the honest truth, it is a simple Yes or no. Then you decide your course of action.
Have a talk with both daughters together or even the son included.
IF it is a yes, I am calling the cops.
If it's a no, then you must ask yourself, what are you really doing here....
It's like you been driving and you are just waiting to hae a car accident....like you want it to happen.
I would sit down and have a very serious talk with your kids, either alone or together. I wouldn't wait another day.
IF you do do this, please let us know what they said.
I have a co-worker whose father verbally and physically abuse him and sexually assaulted his sisters, yet the guy still married to his mother and the co-worker does what ever the father asks, like he still has control, and one of his sister's ended up killing herself. This man has so much control, the wife stays and just denies what happened, and the son is a miserable person....If it were me the father would be in jail or dead.
My children are the most precious things on this earth to me, if anyone were to harm them in that fashion I would have them terminated, ruining innocence is unacceptable.
GA Soccerman, I mean you are right she should be sure about what she sees, she sayed that "...I can't leave my 11 y.o alone with him anymore because He has tried to go by and rub his crotch against her when I am around thinking I can't see him, ..."
so this is a way different thing than to give a smack on the butt!
But than to you GA2009, if you are so sure about it, how can you stay with someone like that...?? I love my H very very much, but if he would do stuff like that I would leave the first time I have seen that!!!!
And how can a father play with his self while his daughter is sleeping next to him... (I hope I didn't misunderstand)
OMG, this is so AAAHHHH
I can't even explain it in words!!!
If you are really sure about that, don't work on your relationship, get rid of him!!! I know, god said in good and bad times, but if somebody trys to hurt my kids, it's not bad it's the worst and I gotta leave....
Italian, don't get me wrong, if this guy did anything to his daughters I would hang him....and that is being nice.
But, ga2009 seems to do alot of assuming. I want confirmation from her oldest daughter, If I had confirmation, then I would have him arrested and get therapy for both girls.
but you can't ASSUME in something like this, you are talking a felony crime.
Talk to your daughters and get the truth. I have a 11 year old daughter I would kill anyone that harmed her.
But society has also made me scarred to give her a hug.
I read about this sort of thing once; asking about sexual abuse. It was awhile ago but from what i read i actually dont think its a good idea to ask the oldest daughter, at least not directly. If nothing did happen, then mom is introducing thoughts into an impressionable mind. Then the daughter mind start to read more into events and actually create events that never really happened. that's what i read at least.
I think if mom wants to consult the daughter about any alleged abuse, she ought to consult a professional on how to go about it. These things can be very tricky.
Sex addiction 
