02-04-2012, 12:09 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
| | time to get off the crazy train
This is my first post. I'll try to summarize and get to the point. About me. Male, self employed, been married 25 years,three kids. Married life started of well in every aspect until last child. Stay at home wife got to be overwhelmed with parenting responsibilities and started showing symptons of PTSD, depression etc. Terrible mood swings. She started to neglect self, kids, home, etc. The kids were put to bed in dirty play clothes because it was more convenient for her. The youngest at 2 yr old was allowed to play with electric fans and lamps plugged in.?? When I saw that I freaked. What was she thinking?
She started therapy and medication(s). Eventually she became addicted to meds and abused them big time and started acting even stranger. She refused to see another doctor and get help to make changes to the meds. Became a sleep at home mom. Wanted meals made for her and brought to bedroom. Demonstrated an entitled attitude. Started hoarding stuff. Knee deep in clothes, trash, old food on plates under bed. Little paths to walk in the house and bedroom. Did my best to throw stuff out but she was outside the next day dumpster diving and bringing it all back in and mad at me to boot. Slept all day and after kids went to bed got up and sat in front of computer while pigging out on junk food and Pepsi all night long or left to go driving around town until 3 am. Rinse and Repeat every day there after.(4 years) Developed spending addiction. Tried to hide three suitcases full of cosmetics. Started buying things off home shopping TV shows weekly, Overdrafted the checking account with associated $35 fees 90 times over 3 years. A massive freak out when checkbook was removed from her control. She consistently undermined my authority over our children. Became more and more child like in decisions, reactions. Acting out like rebellious teenager, liked to hang out with teenagers. We had a few interventions with therapist, psychiatrist and family members so she was in and out of mental hospitals a few times.
Now here it is.... She meets another man in there, younger, attractive writes poetry, gives her attention etc. She says there just friends but I found unsent romantic letters in wifes handbag. Kids found emails on computer, confronted her, denied doing anything wrong, Guy went to jail for attempted murder charge of some stranger. She continued to see him behind my back.(on and off over 3 years) Thought it ended but she looked him up online found out he was married with baby living locally and she started stalking the guy. He phoned her and told her to back off. Found her in bedroom crying hysterically and wanted me to comfort her??. She repeatedly lied, manipulated and deceived me the whole time. She told family friend she was in love with this man. My older children and I begged her to stop this emotional affair ( she denies it ever got physical) I promised to work on things, counseling etc. ( Gee, I was always the one getting relationship books and wanting to talk things out) Things still continued. So for the sake of self respect I gave her an ultimatum and kicked her out of the house to live with one of her friends who soon got tired of her antics. Said she was sorry and took her back a couple weeks later. Found out she had contact with the guy again. (he called her so it didn't count apparantly) This time booted her out for good. She ended up in womens shelter, convinced somebody there that she was abused at home and now has housing, food, medical etc. courtesy of the Govt. Not to mention a car courtesy of her parents.
Her doctor finally figured out she was shopping doctors for prescriptions and refused to refill her xanax and adderal. Which brings me to this..... We have been separated for 3.5 years. The kids live with me. She was mostly absent in everyway for most of the time shes been gone in the xanax induced fog until she was forced off it. So now she's more together and clear headed and decided she misses the kids and family life and comes around a lot to spend time with the kids and hang out. The last six months she started coming over and made some meals, cleaning up a little and started to take some deeper interest in the kids. It was kind of like things heading in the right direction except that i was getting uncomfortable with the fact that we never discussed what happened, why and what has to change. She's acting like she's hoping i would just forget the hell she put the family through by trying to be a doting wife and mother and occassionally folding a couple baskets of laundry and calling me "hon". I asked to talk about things but she keeps putting it off by saying she needs more time to "formulate her thoughts" but wanted me to send her an email to start the discussion because she was afraid that I would yell at her It seemed like another weak excuse not to talk. OK so here I am now two months after the email letter I sent with no response.
Now in the beginning of this fiasco it hurt, I cried a lot, I analyzed the situation to death and still feel guilty for some reason. I have acknowledged my co- dependent leanings and have made many personal changes. I have since detached myself from her emotionally for self preservation and have adapted to my new life as a single father and I'm relatively happy although i have mourned the loss "our family". I'm not sure I even want to get back together. Do I really want to let this person back in to my life? Even now she stops by the house to stock up on things that she's run out of like toilet paper and food hoping I won't notice and I found her stealing some of my blood pressure medications because she ran out. I said she could have one in an emergency but she took the whole 30 day amount with her. Sheesh...No respect.
If it was just having a wife with mental illness who had trouble managing a home but who was faithfull.. and worked with me the best she could as a partner.... I could cope with that. But to have a wife who is a deceiving manipulator who could lie to you straightfaced and disrepect me in so many ways as a father, husband and provider (there's not room enough here to explain the whole situation) I don't want any of that. I'm tired of getting sucked into her vortex of neediness and helplessness. (she is always running out of meds, food, gas and constantly wants me to take care of her.) It was hard at first as I did not want to see her suffer (my codependency leanings coming out) but when i gradually started refusing she'd say " BUT I'M YOUR WIFE!" and when i still refused she'd angrily hang up the phone on me. To deny her pleas for help early on was like not reaching out and helping a drowning child.. It cut me to the core but i'm wiser now.
Frankly now I'm quite tired of rescuing her from herself. I'm tired of feeling like i have to be the parent in the relationship. I'm weary of trying to figure her out and why she acts the way she does. I'm sad she had a crummy mom. I'm feel sorry for her in that she deals with PTSD, has depression and anxiety. That she developed ticks from her meds. That she is afraid to take a shower and walks around with dirty greasy hair frequently. That she has type two diabetes and all the associated problems.
In the end I want to be in control of my life and not leave it up to her to respond for me to move forward. Part of me wants to be there for her and help her heal and become the mom and wife she used to be and to give us another chance but then I come to my senses and see the reality for which it really is... hopeless. Even her therapist, case manager and psychiatrist had wondered why i never divorced her long ago.
I just needed to speak my heart. It's been very difficult to make sense of all of this and come to terms that this relationship is sadly over for good. If you made it this far in my post, thank you for listening.