Thinking of leaving - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-04-2012, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Thinking of leaving

My wife and I have been married 9 years now, both of us having been married before. I am 49 she is 52. She was married 19 years to her first love and had only been with 3 other men before meeting me.
In 2008 she had an affair with a coworker on and off for 9 months. I caught her the first week and she claimed she broke it off, she quit the job but did not quit him for 9 months. After I found out about it again I was devastated, we went to counseling and have worked it out. In summer 2010 she joined Facebook and began playing the games available leading to making friends and soon after making friends she left herself logged on day and her messages that she forgot to delete told me she had a special friend that she was texting and calling. At first she got all defensive and mad because I was "checking up" on her like I didnt trust her....well duh?? She stopped that friend only to move on to others, this I know because I installed a ke ylogger that even recorded her video chats. One guy she even did a strip tease for several times. he was 15 years younger than her so she was feeling very special. Everday after I walked out the door for work she would log on to see him and then talk me down. This went on for a few weeks before I confronted her and told her to decide what she wanted because I am finished. Same crap different day she acted like the victim.

She is still on facebook everyday for hours neglecting the house, herself, and our marriage playing stupid games. I no longer check her activity online because I just dont care anymore. I have been off work for 6 months now at home all day with her so I know she is no longer cam chatting but as for messaging I have no clue. I am tired of talking about it with her over and over again just to go back to being online all day and at times hope she does find someone to make her happy just to set me free. I have told her time and time again her addiction is going to be our end. She stops for a few days at best only to get back in that chair for hours on end ever day.

I am tired of being alone and taken for granted, money is very tight so even splitting will be tough.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-05-2012, 02:56 AM
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Re: Thinking of leaving

I can understand the not caring any more. Do you have any family or friends you can move in with just to get away from her?

This has to be hard to live with.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 02-05-2012, 07:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thinking of leaving

Well, when I said leaving I should have clarified more. Its my house, I had it before we met and I will not go, it will be her that will have to another place but she does not have any income. That is another thing that gets me, she says she looks for work but she does not. This economy is tough and I cant wait to get back to a real job but she would rather facebook all day and pretend all is good.

I truly think she missed out in her younger years of being wild. Having only been with one guy, getting married to him for 19 years and now she is trying to see what she missed out on,...dunno JMO

Thanks for the replies
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-04-2012, 05:05 PM
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Re: Thinking of leaving

I have heard this happening a lot with friends and family who married young or who didn't SOW THEIR WILD OATS. After 40 some people do an inventory of their life and they wonder what they missed. So they have EAs online or even PAs. They say it is justified because they never got to experience being wild and crazy. How do I know. Because this happened to me. Got married very young to first boyfriend, have never had sex with anyone other than my husband. In my late 30's you couldn't pry me off the computer and chat sites and web camming for hours and hours. I felt so sexy and hot. But what my behavior did to my husband was evil and cruel. It took him a long time to forgive me, however, he still sends a jab my way once in awhile. I really hurt him deeply. Turning to others to give you what you think your SO cannot give you tears apart marriages. It is like a cancer.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-05-2012, 05:00 AM
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Re: Thinking of leaving

It sounds like my situation in reverse, my husband would be the guy on the other end with your wife, met women in FB games and then exchanged emails, pictures, videos, web camming etc. I only found out recently, he has stopped though and seems to realise how much it has wounded me but I feel so much for you if your wife is still doing it. You have to put yourself first, how about some ground rules that are non-negotiable and if she won't go for them then it doesn't seem as if she's willing to change until she looses you, sometimes people need a real big shock before they realise what's going on. If she isn't willing you need to ask yourself if you are happy in a relationship like that? Can you see yourself there in a years time or even 5 years time being happy? I too will find it very hard financially if we split up but the other day I had a really positive moment of clarity about options and what would be possible and how it wouldn't be so bad. It could even open up new opportunities, things you always wanted to do but couldn't because of considering someone else. You too may get that in time and it really helps to make you feel more in control of your own life. I wish you all the best.
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