MikeG

Okay, I don't know where to start.

I am writing this because I am sick and tired of my dad shouting at my mother. I am an adult by the way.

To my father, he thinks he doesn't have a problem. He just says he is a little temperamental. But his problem is bigger than that. I also think he is a narcissist. That's why he gets angry at every little thing because its disrespect.

The difficult thing is he always has a justification for his anger. Always something rational for it. Because we have a lot of problems, financial and family etc. Another thing I've tried showing things I've found over the internet such as domestic abuse. But those things seem to be more about the husband hitting the wife physically, alcoholics or gamblers which my father never does any of those. So since he doesn't fit that category he thinks everything is okay. And I also sometimes feel like their is something seriously wrong with him, like with his brain. But medically he checks out okay. He doesn't understand the most basic thing about psychology. And he denies things a lot, like he literally doesn't have a clue.

I need a way to knock some sense into him. A book, a movie, a DVD, perhaps even a psychologist over the phone. To make him understand that he causes misery to my mother. My father is very sensitive, and would kiss and make up afterwords.

He isn't that bad as a person, so divorce isn't something my mother would ever do. But he is almost always angry at something. I don't remember a week pass where there wasn't an argument. Maybe two weeks at most. It isn't necessarily an argument, it could be just the way he behaves. The tone of his voice. Its a way of life to him. When I confront him, he says "couples argue, its normal". I know my father has had a ton of problems from childhood, my grandfather was worse than he.

Is there a way to help him. I don't think its just his anger, I think he is kinda narcissistic.

Please give me any advice. Is there a DVD which shows the anger addicted person, how he is making people around him sad. Cause I can't freaking find one. I'm actually considering making one myself, with the music and all and showing it to him, because Google has failed me in finding one.

MSP

You might find THIS helpful.

jen1020

Hi Mike

My husband is like your dad, although now my husband now also has infidelity issues as well as having anger problems.

I definitely agree with your assessment about narcissism. People with narcissistic traits seem to think the world is all about them and when things don't go their way, everyone better watch out.

How to help your dad? Well that isn't so easy as he really needs to figure it out for himself and as you say, he just thinks it is normal behaviour. Even continual shouting has terrible affects on the person listening to it, it eventually wears your self esteem down and you feel like you never know what is going to set your partner off.

This link here explains the effects of shouting/verbal abuse:-

When father hurts mother: The Fatherhood Institute

Your mum needs to set some boundaries if she can. When your father starts shouting at her she should say something like 'Please stop shouting at me' and tell him she is going to leave the room until he can talk to her respectfully. Or alternatively she should leave the house, go for a walk or a drive or something. Let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Good books for her to read would be Patricia Evan's The Verbally abusive relationship, or have a look at her website.

Best wishes

Jen

Uptown

Mike, the behaviors you describe -- blame-shifting, verbal abuse, black-white thinking, irrational anger, and flipping quickly between loving and demeaning your mother -- go beyond narcissism. They are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which itself has a strong element of narcissism.

Significantly, all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. They become a problem only when they are so strong that they undermine a person's ability to sustain a marriage and other LTRs. Perhaps your dad has these traits at a moderate to strong level.
BPDers (those having moderate to strong traits) tend to be very convincing -- even when making the most outrageous claims. The reason they sound so persuasive is that they usually believe that the outrageous statements are true. This is possible because for two reasons. First, BPDers never learned how to intellectually challenge the intense feelings they get. They therefore conclude that anything they feel so intensely MUST be true.

Second, they rely heavily on projection to protect their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality. Projection works wonderfully as an ego defense because it works entirely at the subconscious level -- thus allowing the conscious mind to believe that the projected flaw or thought is actually coming from the other person.

In this way, BPDers can blame all their problems on someone else (their spouses) and be entirely guilt free. This is why BPDers will produce such flawed rationalizations that you will marvel that an adult can keep a straight face while saying such a thing.
If he has many strong BPD traits, there is absolutely nothing that you or any psychologist can do to help him. He must be willing to help himself by seeking professional help. Sadly, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to be willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. As to giving him a BPD book, I advise against it. If he is a BPDer, he likely would just project the accusation onto you -- believing that you are the one having strong BPD traits.The main reason that BPDers are frequently angry is that they carry enormous anger inside -- which they've been carrying since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE it. Rather, you only have to say or do some tiny thing that TRIGGERS it.

Another reason for the rages is that BPDers usually do "black-white thinking," wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- i.e., as "with me" or "against me." That distorted way of looking at other people naturally leads BPDers to have the feeling they are constantly meeting enemies (the "all bad" people).

A third reason for the constant complaining and fault-finding is that BPDers are utterly convinced that they are eternal "victims." Because they have a fragile sense of who they are, this false self image of being "the victim" may be the closest thing to a stable self image that a BPDer has. He therefore has a powerful desire to have a mate who is willing to play the role of "the perpetrator," being the person on which every misfortune is blamed. To the extent that your mother puts up with the constant blaming, she "validates" that false self image for him.A recent large scale study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of BPDers reported that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. Granted, most abused children do NOT develop BPD but the abuse GREATLY raises the risk for doing so.If this discussion rings a bell, Mike, I suggest that you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most of them seem to apply to your dad. That discussion starts at My list of hell!. If you decide that the BPD traits largely describe your dad's behavior, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to a good book and excellent online resources. Take care, Mike.