Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I have looked at some of the threads here and do not see anything concerning Facebook itself, so please pardon me if I didn't catch something that's already been covered.
My husband is absolutely addicted to one particular page on Facebook. It's a controversial political page and I don't like him being there for several reasons. First-because some of the things he posts, some of the arguments he gets into, some of the "friendships" he has developed, the interactions he makes with these "friends"-both men and women, the amount of time he spends on that page and on the computer itself, and lastly-because of this "SECRET" page he and his new friends have made on facebook.
We have fought about this for 8 months now-he gets very angry and defensive. I have asked, begged, pleaded, demanded, given ultimatums, and outright said you will not post on that page anymore. He's promised, but always within 2-3 days, he's right back there doing it all over again like I hadn't said a word. He acts surprised when I get mad and storm off after seeing his posts.
I am at my wits end. Any suggestions?
Telling your husband what he can and can't do on Facebook is a bad move imo. You are coming off like a major control freak, and I don't blame him for not listening to you.
Maybe you should work on why this bothers you so much. You seem to be worried about his new "friends"... that is some major insecurity, but understand that it is YOUR problem, don't make it his problem or things will get worse.
Geeze, I have some really good friends I met on Facebook though a secret group. We talk together as a group and support one another, not individually.
Also, I met my all time best friend on a parenting message board! We talk throughout the day on FB messaging. We've been bf's for 9 years now. We've only met up twice. I'm planning on meeting her again in the next year or two for an extended girls weekend. We share a room to cut the cost and we both will bring our oldest daughters with. They are friends too. I seriously can not wait!
I don't see a problem unless it effects the time you both spend together. When my hubby's around, I put down the iPod and we hang out together. If he's busy, I'm online. I'm also disabled with a neck injury and there's not much I can do at one time. My husband has access to all my passwords for everything and I do for him as well. I'm sure he looks, but he'll be bored out of his mind. The support group I belong to is great! It's like a little group of friends who are there first hand giving advice, kinda like this message board. I think this site is no different then a facebook group. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, I didn't want to get too wordy earlier, but here are the residual issues: He will get out of bed, sit down and get on that page immediately and not leave for sometimes 5-6 hours. There have been days that-with a couple of breaks in there-he has spent every single waking minute. I am talking 12-16 hours.
He will focus so strongly on there that he does not talk to or listen to what I will sometimes tell him. He gets the facts wrong, then gets mad at me for either not telling him or telling him something different. It's simply because he isn't paying any attention.
Then he will get all fired up from these people and take it out on me.
Jealous? I suppose so. I would rather spend time with my husband than watch him waste away sitting on the computer.
As a side note to clarify....we are both members of many message boards. We have the same common friends-many of which neither one of us have met. We actually met, fell in love, and got married through a mutual message board.
Because of this one page tho-he ignored all our friends, the important things in life, and most of the happenings he should be paying attention to. When other people notice, I know it's not just me.
Telling your husband what he can and can't do on Facebook is a bad move imo. You are coming off like a major control freak, and I don't blame him for not listening to you.
Maybe you should work on why this bothers you so much. You seem to be worried about his new "friends"... that is some major insecurity, but understand that it is YOUR problem, don't make it his problem or things will get worse.
Good luck.
Please read my clarification. Let me ask you-if you did something that caused major issues and your husband/wife asked you to please stop....would you?
Sixteen hours a day sounds like an addiction. It's not unheard of. Anything that includes newness can trigger addictive behaviours. Someone pushing 'refresh' over and over on Facebook and waiting for responses is very reminiscent of a rat pushing a lever.
It needs to be addressed like it's an addiction. You asking or nagging him to stop won't do much. He needs to be removed from his drug for a long enough period of time for him to "detox".
Sixteen hours a day sounds like an addiction. It's not unheard of. Anything that includes newness can trigger addictive behaviours. Someone pushing 'refresh' over and over on Facebook and waiting for responses is very reminiscent of a rat pushing a lever.
It needs to be addressed like it's an addiction. You asking or nagging him to stop won't do much. He needs to be removed from his drug for a long enough period of time for him to "detox".
I would welcome any suggestions on how to "remove" him from it-short of taking a hammer to the laptop.
In my early marriage years I was addicted to a role playing game. It was really neat! You got to write your character's story and interacted through story lines that you had to spend a lot of time crafting and writing down. Granted, I knew I had a problem when we went to buy a car and I asked my husband how much gold we needed to purchase the car.
I've no idea how that happened except that I know it was very pleasurable for me. My love affair with the game only lasted about a month before I realized that if I put that much effort into my real life I'd be more than a master tailor in a fake world. Now my husband and I laugh about it--really, really hard.
So I understand that aspect of your husband's addiction. I'm not sure how you get him out of it except to explain to him that if he spent as much time focusing on his political affiliations in real time, he has a chance at making a real impact.
He must be a very passionate, dedicated person underneath the addiction. Express to him that you want to support him in that within your every day life. I think internet forums/social media outlets/online gaming attracts passionate people with addictive personalities that do not feel empowered to use these personality traits within their lives. Of course, it also attracts derelicts, bored housewives, men with insecurities and troubled teenagers...heh
I'm sure part of his addiction comes from the immediate gratification and ease of connections. We don't like to feel alone and communities make us feel less so especially when they focus on specific interests.
I didn't know they had secret pages on Facebook. Pretty weird considering it's a social network but I suppose unsurprising.
Thank you Trenton...yes, he does have an extremely passionate side, he also has a very "violent" (for lack of a better word) side, and this thing seems to satisfy both. He can argue with people and also create friendships with whom he can bond and gang up on folks with.
Yes-Facebook has "secret" or closed pages that are not even visible to friends.
I just don't know how to handle this...totally at a loss here as it seems I am forced to either accept it or leave. Neither I can do very easily.
if it means getting rid of the internet for a period of time to let him "cool" down, then you might have to get the hammer out to the laptop.
though you need to communicate to him how this is effecting you. tell him that its the lenght of time he is on facebook is effecting your relationship.
What he is doing is hurting your relationship. I would refuse to interact with him anytime he is on the computer.
You may consider the 180 to help yourself. Taillor it to your own needs. Its actually used to make a person stronger and move forward when their spouse is cheating but I think you could use it to make you stronger and deal with his obsession.
The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator
So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
This 180 list may help.
--------------------------
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
Wow! A lot of information to digest, but it all looks extremely helpful. Behavior the last few days has taken a turn for the better. Yes-he still does his "thing" on there, but the time has reduced a bit by several hours. Also, he's started to help me with the daily chores and do other things around the house as opposed to sitting there and letting me do absolutely everything. I can only hope this continues. I've seen this before tho, I'm sorry to say, and it doesn;t last. It's sort of like a temporary appeasement. I don't know. *SIGH*
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Addicted to Facebook 
