EleGirl

Yes alcohol and drugs and cause permanent damage to the brain of the drug/alcohol abuser. Some of it is not referable.

Another issue is that your husband might have some form of mental illness, like bi-polar, and used the drugs/alcohol to self-medicate this is very common. From what you say now that he has been clean for a while he does sound like he has issues.

I have a similar issue. My husband does not use drugs or alcohol. We married in 2000. When we married his 2 children were 10 & 12 and my son was 10. The children are now 22, 23, and 25.

Since he lost his job in 2002 due to layoff at the company he worked for he has basically not work all this time. Over time he has come to spend almost every waking hour on his computer playing games. When I’m not at home he goes to sex sites to view porn and to engage in ‘virtual’ sex with people on those sites. He has an entire group of friends that he has apparently been doing this with for years. He has done nothing over the years to really help support the family or raise the children.

All 3 children, his and my son are furious at him. My son is upset that I have let him stay. But I felt that I could not kick him out because his children would probably have to go as well. And it would not be fair to have them lose the only home they had known for so long. Their mother had abandoned them when they were young. I am the only mother they have had through most of their live. They did not deserve to be kicked out of their home and lose the only stability they knew.

So now I have 3 children who are very angry at him. They are upset that I have not told him to leave. My son is the only one living at home now. He, like your daughter lives at home while in college. I am concerned about the level of anger between the two of them. My son wants to stomp my husband for good reason. He is angry at the way my husband has treated me, his own children and my son.

I realize that my husband has to go. My son has done nothing wrong. My husband has done a lot wrong. My son is right to be upset about the way my husband behaves.

In this matter you are in the same place I am in.

My 2 cents is that you need to let your husband go. Your children are right. You will do better on your own. If you go to counseling and figure out your own issues, fix them you might find a better relationship. If you don’t being alone is better and healthier than being in a abusive relationship.

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becky1234

Thank you so much and my sympathies to you for what you have and are going through.
I've done alot of research about 'dry drunk syndrome' since I read about it here. It's the first I've heard of such a thing but finally everything begins to make sense to me.

Also I feel relief that I'm not imagining all this and I know that I did try as hard as I could to keep our marriage going.

Now that my husband is out of the house I'm beginning to get used to the idea of being alone. All these years I've been so scared he would leave and that I'd never make it alone but now I find that it actually isn't scarey at all! If only I'd known I would have done this a long time ago.

My husband has messaged my daughter to say sorry and he has also messaged me to chat. However for the first time ever I haven't crumbled and said sorry to him just because I want things to be good between us again.

I know that the anger is gone now and that he expects everything to be forgotten and for us to go on as before. This time it won't happen that way though because I feel like someone switched on a light in my head and I've finally woken up from a nightmare and realised I have to do something.

I'm going to suggest counselling for him and that will be a condition before he can come home. He may or may not agree but it will be his choice.

Could you not do something about your situation too? Since the children are all adults now maybe it's time for you to reconsider.
Somebody said the following to me and it really helped me to put things into perspective - so I'm going to say it to you to:

"My question to you would be...why do you value your husband above the well being of your children, their opinion of you...or even above your own health and better principles? How does this man enrich your life or the lives of your children in a way that is meaningful to each? Your husband lacks humility which is a key ingredient to respecful behavior towards others"

becky1234

Something good has happened. For the first time EVER, I didn't contact him, I didn't say sorry, I didn't make the first move. I left him to think about things. Guess what? He actually asked to talk to me. He told me how sorry he is and has contacted a counselor. I agreed to go with him. But I did make a condition that he not move back into our home until such time as we feel the counselling is working (if it works at all).

I realise that he's still of the opinion that this is a mutual problem (and I'm willing to accept that there could be problems on both sides) and we both need help with our marriage. I'm happy that it's a small step forward.

The counselor isn't AA or even someone who deals with alcoholics or addicts specifically but he's a pastor who apparently has alot of experience in dealing in all kinds of problems. It's a start!

Friday's our first appointment.

In_The_Wind

Becky that is great news I would ask the pastor if they have a celebrate recovery group at your church
A lot of churchs offer this program nowadays it deals with all addictions

Good Luck
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becky1234

Thanks I will ask him