Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I'm so sorry for the night you had. But so happy for you that you stuck to your guns.
It is hard, I went through it with my little sister, with my ex husband, and now working through it with my little brother. My little sister even at one point ended up in a homeless shelter after a paid ride through rehab/detox etc.
Keep yourself strong, love doesn't mean enabling, love just means doing what it takes to help someone, no matter what.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this morning... Hoping you had a peaceful night Philly!
BTW - I went to one of those rehab places a few years ago, they are nice places and the family sessions on the weekends are great... They work if you work them.
Like TG said, it sounds like he's getting close to the bottom, and this may be exactly what he needs to get him there a little quicker (you standing your ground).
I know this hurts but you are doing this because you love him, and it's the only way he will get help will be to hit rock bottom and experience a fear of losing everything first. You love him so much that you can't bare to be around him while he poisons himself to death.
Don't pay any of what he said any attention because he was just speaking out of hurt. You have the choice to file a restraining order if you want but that will only push him away further.
Instead, wait like two weeks and tell him what you are feeling. "You don't feel safe around him and you can't stay married to a man who continues to use drugs." Don't give him any other reasons and don't respond to anything he says. He can either find another way to get drugs and continue feeling sorry for himself or he can go to rehab, kick the habit, and fight to get you back.
After that be ready to push the divorce through and state your claim in court. Instead of bashing him in court, you can have your attorney and you privately talk to the judge in chambers about your situation and how you don't want to divorce him but you see no other way for him to get sober. You'll still have to continue the D but you may get lucky and have him slapped random drug testing for a fault divorce or child custody. Remember he can also have you tested too.
Be ready have it end before anything really changes. You will still have a year or two while you're picking yourself back up to decide if you want him back but from the sounds of it you'll stay friendly and open for him to improve. You can still keep in touch to see how he's doing but let him prove he's changed over time before you take him back. And btw from the sound of it his daughter will really appreciate have him sober again, but she's another problem.
Thanks Nsweet!
Im feeling better today. And "that Girl" is right, I have to keep those words he said and the thought of him like that in my mind. Its what reminds me that this is a toxic realtionship for me.
Our divorce is simple, no courts involved, just filing and signing. We have nothing to fight over. Everything was mine from before they even came here. He took his personal belonging already and the kids things. We dont share any children together, so no custody issues thank god! Any debts unfortunately I am responsible for but already paid everything off with my income tax and cancelled all joint credit cards, accounts, and anything else.
The papers have been filed, just waiting on them to be sent back to us for signatures, then 5 months later, we are legally divorced.
In my heart, I dont see a future reconciliation between us. Between the drug history and his daughters behavior issues, I just dont see a happy peaceful family ever with us. Plus, I couldnt even imagine the thought of me ever telling my daughter that I would be bringing this all back. I can't even imagine the look on her face, and knowing her, she would say ok, but inside she would be so disappointed in me. With every right to be!
She is the reason I make every decision I make. Even when I let them come here! I wanted to have a big huge Italian family and wound up done after my first child. I didnt want her growing up without brothers and sisters, I wanted her to see mommy in love. It didnt turn out that way. But I have explained to her (she is VERY mature for her young age) when she asked me about leaving her father and then again when this whole thing took place, that sometimes, you make decisions in life that you think are right and they just dont turn out to be, but what you do with that is what counts. I explained to her that I could have easily stayed with her dad or even with my husband now, it would made things easier in all the WRONG ways, so sometimes you have to do things that are hard and will make life harder for awhile, but if you can keep going and get past the hard times, thats what makes you who you are as a person.
I tell her all the time NOT to settle in life. She deserves everything she ever wants, she deserves happiness and love (the good kind of love). I dont want to teach her that just because you love someone, you should accept being unhappy. I need to move forward and succeed. Besides doing it for myself, I NEED her to see that its not the end of the world if you decide to leave a bad situation.
I'm so sorry for the night you had. But so happy for you that you stuck to your guns.
It is hard, I went through it with my little sister, with my ex husband, and now working through it with my little brother. My little sister even at one point ended up in a homeless shelter after a paid ride through rehab/detox etc.
Keep yourself strong, love doesn't mean enabling, love just means doing what it takes to help someone, no matter what.
Thank you! And I wish you the best of luck with your little brother. My brother too is an addict. And we were very close, he was like a best friend to me. Our relationship has suffered from his addiction, so I know how hard it is. I hope he finds his way out and back to being the little brother you know he could be!
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this morning... Hoping you had a peaceful night Philly!
BTW - I went to one of those rehab places a few years ago, they are nice places and the family sessions on the weekends are great... They work if you work them.
Like TG said, it sounds like he's getting close to the bottom, and this may be exactly what he needs to get him there a little quicker (you standing your ground).
Thanks Cherry, you're really a sweetheart! I did have a peaceful night. No knocking doors, no texts, no calls. I dont know what that means for him, but for me, I fell asleep and actually woke up in the same position, so I must have been out of it!
I'm leaving for work now, and any free time I have, I'll be buried in my books, staying focused on the co-dependency ones, lol!
Philly,
You're right about one thing. It's up to him to get clean and prove to you that he deserves a second chance later on. You're no longer the loving mother in a codependent relationship and making excuses for his addiction. That's why this hurts so much and why he is freaking out of this sudden need to shape up or ship out. So you can't beat yourself up for what he does to himself. You love him enough to push him out the door into recovery and will always care about him but this is something he needed to do on his own. And you need to focus on your own issues and taking care of your daughter.
When you're divorce is final you can decide if you want to talk to him sooner rather than later but a call once a week or every few weeks will really make a difference to someone in recovery. I've been there myself for other problems and my W's visits pulled me through fast. You can also try to check up on your childs father and see if he's improved and deserves to know how his child is. The only thing I would advise you not to do you be to date until you go through some therapy because you will keep attracting problematic men with these addictive tendencies until you find out the reason why. You're a true care taker and will enter in relationships with men who won't provide for you in the same way. You're going to get your feelings hurt time and time again and go from good to bad or bad to worse because you won't be happy not feeling needed all the time.
Thanks Cherry, you're really a sweetheart! I did have a peaceful night. No knocking doors, no texts, no calls. I dont know what that means for him, but for me, I fell asleep and actually woke up in the same position, so I must have been out of it!
I'm leaving for work now, and any free time I have, I'll be buried in my books, staying focused on the co-dependency ones, lol!
One day at a time.... It's not just for addicts . Posted via Mobile Device
Philly,
You're right about one thing. It's up to him to get clean and prove to you that he deserves a second chance later on. You're no longer the loving mother in a codependent relationship and making excuses for his addiction. That's why this hurts so much and why he is freaking out of this sudden need to shape up or ship out. So you can't beat yourself up for what he does to himself. You love him enough to push him out the door into recovery and will always care about him but this is something he needed to do on his own. And you need to focus on your own issues and taking care of your daughter.
When you're divorce is final you can decide if you want to talk to him sooner rather than later but a call once a week or every few weeks will really make a difference to someone in recovery. I've been there myself for other problems and my W's visits pulled me through fast. You can also try to check up on your childs father and see if he's improved and deserves to know how his child is. The only thing I would advise you not to do you be to date until you go through some therapy because you will keep attracting problematic men with these addictive tendencies until you find out the reason why. You're a true care taker and will enter in relationships with men who won't provide for you in the same way. You're going to get your feelings hurt time and time again and go from good to bad or bad to worse because you won't be happy not feeling needed all the time.
No, no dating for me! Not any time soon. Aside from the fact that I do still love my husband and that would not be fair to anyone, I am working on my codependent nature. Like you said, I will just wind up in the same situation just a different guy.
As far as my daughter's dad goes, he is in the picture. When I filed for separation, he realized I was serious. He wanted to go to counseling, but it was too late for me, I didnt care to save the marriage at that point. Luckily for him, he took it serious for himself too. He is clean now. He still gambles, but as far as I know, he's not taking mortgages out to pay off bookies anymore. He remarried (a friend of his family - so I know her too), they have 2 little boys. (His wife can send me a "thank you" card anytime she is ready, lol) But seriously. I actually like her. She treats my daughter wonderfully. He picks her up from school 2 days a week and brings her home before bedtime, he also gets her every other weekend. They boys come with their dad when they drop my daughter off at night. They love me as much as I love them. Any family of my daughter is family to me! We all get along very well. I always joke around and say that I love the show Reba but never thought it was going to be my life! So luckily, I have no issues or hassles as far as that goes.
phillybrokenheart,
I have not read through your entire story, but have read through this post and am truly amazed at your determination to change and improve yourself (i.e. not allowing your husband to come in a few nights ago). Keep it up! Keep moving forward with your life. Props to you again for your persistence.
phillybrokenheart,
I have not read through your entire story, but have read through this post and am truly amazed at your determination to change and improve yourself (i.e. not allowing your husband to come in a few nights ago). Keep it up! Keep moving forward with your life. Props to you again for your persistence.
No, she needs to go to friends and family of Narcotics Anonymous. The similar families of Alanon will help too but this is geared more towards her H's problems.
So how are things Philly? Are you hanging in there, remaining strong and determined? Just thinking about you Posted via Mobile Device
Hi Cherry :-)
I am doing ok. Not good, not bad. I'm reading. Its been interesting to say the least. Im going to post a thread about it in a few. Just wanted to stop here first and thank you again. Its the support and concern from people like you that has really been a blessing to me. I really cant thank you enough!
No, she needs to go to friends and family of Narcotics Anonymous. The similar families of Alanon will help too but this is geared more towards her H's problems.
Quote:
Originally Posted by that_girl
Maybe check out some Alanon meetings.
I have been to Alanon meetings. And I say this ONLY FROM THE EXPERIENCES I HAVE HAD WITH THE VERY FEW PLACES THAT ARE AVAILABLE IN MY AREA - so no one please take this as a bash against Alanon.
Unfortunately in my area, there are so little meetings offered for Alanon. NONE at all for Naranon, and only ONE for CODA. Its very sad really. Especially if you try to pull up an AA meeting and see pages and pages of listings - well duh - didn't anyone think that for ALL those addicts were people affected by their addictions that could use a place to get help???
But with the few that were offered, I went to all, 7 in total (This was over a year ago). My counselor had told me to try all of them because each would be unique with its members and the way they went about things. I found ONE that I felt comfortable in but the availability was - one meeting, in the middle of the day, on a weekday, in Center City, where it would take me 45 mintues to get to from my work, and then 1 hour meeting, 45 minutes drive back to work, and paying to park in a parking lot. Not very convenient. The other meetings I went to were not a good fit for me.
But I did buy a ton of the books they had to offer and I still read them frequently. I do participate with AlAnon blogs on line as well.
Its really a shame that there is not more out there for the all the people in this world affected by people with addiction.
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Re: Had the LONGEST night of my life 
*hugs*
