Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
After an ENTIRE DAY of calls and texts bouncing from how much he loves me to how much he hates me for not having his back, I couldnt take one more second by last night.
I decided to take my LAST migraine pill and turned my ringer and notifications off and went to bed very early.
Around 2 am I was dreaming that someone was banging on my door, but it wasn't a dream, it was him. I got up, went down and grabbed my phone. I had 22 missed calls and 28 text messages from him. I paced the floor, the phone still lighting up to say I have a call every 2 seconds, texts messages coming left and right.
I peeked out the window and saw him standing on the curb with trash bags on the ground. It was raining. I was crying. Uncontrollably!
I finally answered his call and told him no, he could not come in. I told him if I let him in again, then tomorrow night will be the same and the next and the next. He was crying, tell me he is cold and tired and its raining and he doesnt even have a car to sleep in. Please Please Please. I was a mess! I have never in my entire life had to go thru the pain and emotions of what I went through last night.
He was telling me that I am his wife, I promised to stand by him in better and worse, in "sickness" and health! He said if I was out on the streets, he would walk to the ends of the earth to come get me and stay with me. And he would! (Just not to rehab)
He was saying that this is the lowest point of his entire life and I am turning my back on him when he needs me the most. How could I say I love him, how could I say I care, how can I just sit there knowing that he has NO WHERE TO GO, walking the streets of the city in the rain with trash bags.
I truly just wanted to die! I just wanted to open the door and hug him and tell him how much I love him. I know I couldnt. I didn't. By 4 am I got the last text saying that I am dead to him, that he will never forget or forgive me for turning my back on him now. I sat on the couch and cried until it was time to go up and get my daughter up for school. As soon as she walked into school, I cried. I cried the entire walk back to my house. I cried the entire drive to work this morning. I walked in work and my co-worker said whats up, and I cried. We walked outside to talk and I cried. I sat back down to write this blog and Im crying.
All I can picture is him walking around cold, and tired. I know that if it were me, he would be walking right next to me. I also know that I would never allow myself to be in that situtation and especially for those reasons, but it doesn't help. I know that when he is sober, he would carry me through life just so I dont get tired of walking. I know that none of that matters anymore!
I know that this is tough love, I know its necessary. But I feel like a piece of sh*t! I feel like the most awful wife, the most awful human being.
I don't really know what to say other than I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds terrible all the way around. Sometimes, no matter how hard it is, you have to do what is best for your own sanity. You are not responsible for him or his reactions/behaviors/problems. I'm not sure why you are are separated etc, because I don't think I have followed your story, however hugs to you, try and stay strong.
Oh gosh! *hugs* I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you!!
Do not feel guilty. Do not feel sorry for him! He is the reason he is where he is! Truly loving him is not enabling him and you did the right thing! You are giving him the gift of being self-reliant, whether he likes it or not!
But I totally understand why you're upset. I must admit it would have been nearly impossible for me to turn away someone in need like that, but that's because I'm a co-dependent enabler. It hurts more than helps to enable someone!
I really admire your ability to do what you have to, to protect yourself from his toxic nature! You should be proud of yourself, and don't for one moment, think you let him down. You are doing him the biggest favor, he just doesn't know it yet!
He was saying that this is the lowest point of his entire life and I am turning my back on him when he needs me the most. How could I say I love him, how could I say I care, how can I just sit there knowing that he has NO WHERE TO GO, walking the streets of the city in the rain with trash bags.
I only got one text from him all day just saying can I speed this F'n divorce up. I didnt respond. Im heading to bed soon, hoping theres not a repeat and I can get some sleep. I need it.
Does he have the money for rehab? Does he know where to go?
I tried to find a rehab for my step-daughter and all I could find was a pay as you go out-patient rehab... well except for the very expensive ones like the one Demi Lovato went to... the kind where you have to mortgage your house and sell you kids to be able to afford.
Does he have the money for rehab? Does he know where to go?
I tried to find a rehab for my step-daughter and all I could find was a pay as you go out-patient rehab... well except for the very expensive ones like the one Demi Lovato went to... the kind where you have to mortgage your house and sell you kids to be able to afford.
Yes, he is still covered under my insurance. I found a place yesterday morning that is covered by my insurance. It was really nice too. About 2 hours away in the mountains. Beautiful setting. They pick him up, bring him home, even though I would have taken him and picked him up. They include mental health treatment along with it, do couple weekends, where I would be able to go up for the weekend and do intensive couples therapy. They do family visits.
But he gave me excuse after excuse once I told him I did find a place. I came back at each excuse so then he said the only way would be if I took the kids from his mom and took them home with me. I said no to that. Im not taking them and chancing him just signing himself out and thinking that since they are here, we'll just go back to the way things were. Besides, his mom HATES me and would never let me take them AND the reason we separated in the first place wasnt even because of drugs, he wasnt using like this until we separated - we separated because of final straw incident with his daughter. She has only been taken to 1 counseling appointment in the past 3 1/2 months since they left. And everytime I talked to him, he tells me how much worse she has gotten, 3 1/2 months worse with aggression, 3 1/2 months worse with her anger.
So how did he think that was a good idea?
But anyway, because I said no to that, so he said no to the rehab.
People have to hit BOTTOM in order to see they need help.
Looks like he's almost there. HIS ACTIONS are no longer tolerated or accepted and you drove that message home last night.
Good girl.
Thank you!
Now, I just have to shake the image of him walking around with his bags of clothes like a homeless man, and stop letting his words keep repeating in my mind.
Ill get there. I feel like (or I hope at least) that the worse of what my heart will go thru is over now.
it will get better i mean you got into this and you can get out of it that is what you need to realize what you are in can be gone and you can leave this state.
I know this hurts but you are doing this because you love him, and it's the only way he will get help will be to hit rock bottom and experience a fear of losing everything first. You love him so much that you can't bare to be around him while he poisons himself to death.
Don't pay any of what he said any attention because he was just speaking out of hurt. You have the choice to file a restraining order if you want but that will only push him away further.
Instead, wait like two weeks and tell him what you are feeling. "You don't feel safe around him and you can't stay married to a man who continues to use drugs." Don't give him any other reasons and don't respond to anything he says. He can either find another way to get drugs and continue feeling sorry for himself or he can go to rehab, kick the habit, and fight to get you back.
After that be ready to push the divorce through and state your claim in court. Instead of bashing him in court, you can have your attorney and you privately talk to the judge in chambers about your situation and how you don't want to divorce him but you see no other way for him to get sober. You'll still have to continue the D but you may get lucky and have him slapped random drug testing for a fault divorce or child custody. Remember he can also have you tested too.
Be ready have it end before anything really changes. You will still have a year or two while you're picking yourself back up to decide if you want him back but from the sounds of it you'll stay friendly and open for him to improve. You can still keep in touch to see how he's doing but let him prove he's changed over time before you take him back. And btw from the sound of it his daughter will really appreciate have him sober again, but she's another problem.
5Likes
Had the LONGEST night of my life 
*hugs*
