I wanted to share what I have been dealing with these past few days.
Its funny, and sad at the same time, that an "almost" rock bottom for my STBX, turned out to be a "close enough" rock bottom for ME in my own way.
What I felt that night and the next day - the guilt, the stress, the sadness, the worry, the uncontrollable crying. Almost like I was loosing it! It scared the sh*t out of me. I told my counselor that I have never EVER in my life felt the pain that I did that night, and I really mean that. I said I dont think I have ever felt so desperate, so close to really feeling I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It was scary.
The days after, I think I was shell shocked! I didnt have much to say, I was just quiet.
I have been reading. All the books! But the one I put the rest down for and focused all my attention on is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I cant put it down, and when I have to, the first opportunity I have to pick it back up, Im on it!
Its weird, it has left me feeling very exposed! And that is NOT something I am comfortable with. I mean opening myself up on here is different, you dont know me, I dont know you, so no harm done. But while reading this book, I am feeling exposed to MYSELF! I have never read a book where when I finish the chapter, Im like OMG and I go back and read the chapter all over again. I'm amazed at its accuracy. Its like Im transparent and can't hide from MYSELF anymore. Yes, my upbringing was they way this entered me, but since I have been old enough to make my own decisions, its been me who has done all these things that are so self destructive. Im shaking my head right now just thinking about it.
Its already having an affect. Small little things that kinda go off in my head, like, there it goes, thats a characteristic. Just being at the point of seeing it in my daily life is so strange, but its like an ah-ha kind of moment.
My stbx has been contacting me left and right. And its not the same feeling Im getting to respond - hurry, see if hes ok. I'm looking at the phone with the little text message sign with his name, and instead, Im not even looking at the message, Im busy reading and dont want to loose my spot, lol! When I finally do respond, its been very nice, simple, Im still being supportive - Good for you, keep it going - but thats it. Nothing more. Its like, sorry, Im too busy right now to deal with whatever you need.
I dont know, but I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone that may even in the slightest bit think they may be co-dependent.
I feel hopeful! Scared at what is to come, but hopeful.