phillybrokenheart

I wanted to share what I have been dealing with these past few days.

Its funny, and sad at the same time, that an "almost" rock bottom for my STBX, turned out to be a "close enough" rock bottom for ME in my own way.

What I felt that night and the next day - the guilt, the stress, the sadness, the worry, the uncontrollable crying. Almost like I was loosing it! It scared the sh*t out of me. I told my counselor that I have never EVER in my life felt the pain that I did that night, and I really mean that. I said I dont think I have ever felt so desperate, so close to really feeling I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It was scary.

The days after, I think I was shell shocked! I didnt have much to say, I was just quiet.

I have been reading. All the books! But the one I put the rest down for and focused all my attention on is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I cant put it down, and when I have to, the first opportunity I have to pick it back up, Im on it!

Its weird, it has left me feeling very exposed! And that is NOT something I am comfortable with. I mean opening myself up on here is different, you dont know me, I dont know you, so no harm done. But while reading this book, I am feeling exposed to MYSELF! I have never read a book where when I finish the chapter, Im like OMG and I go back and read the chapter all over again. I'm amazed at its accuracy. Its like Im transparent and can't hide from MYSELF anymore. Yes, my upbringing was they way this entered me, but since I have been old enough to make my own decisions, its been me who has done all these things that are so self destructive. Im shaking my head right now just thinking about it.

Its already having an affect. Small little things that kinda go off in my head, like, there it goes, thats a characteristic. Just being at the point of seeing it in my daily life is so strange, but its like an ah-ha kind of moment.

My stbx has been contacting me left and right. And its not the same feeling Im getting to respond - hurry, see if hes ok. I'm looking at the phone with the little text message sign with his name, and instead, Im not even looking at the message, Im busy reading and dont want to loose my spot, lol! When I finally do respond, its been very nice, simple, Im still being supportive - Good for you, keep it going - but thats it. Nothing more. Its like, sorry, Im too busy right now to deal with whatever you need.

I dont know, but I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone that may even in the slightest bit think they may be co-dependent.

I feel hopeful! Scared at what is to come, but hopeful.

copingdad

Holy Cow!! Thats all i can say. i read your other post as they bare some resemblance to mine. Im sorry and know the pain you are going through. I am reading Co-dependent No More as well, just started. I do the exact same things you do. My wife has been addicted to pills, mainly pain pills for 6 years, in and out of rehab, detox centers and out patient programs. She has called me every name in the book, hit me, been arrested for domestic, and has hurt our kids deeply from this. But i always find myself running to her rescue, making sure she is ok. I kicked her out sept 2011 when she attacked me over throwing pills out, and i took temporary custody of the kids. I filed for divorce, but wanted her back at the same time. Not to mention she has cheated on me at least 3 times, but i always want to rescue her. in Nov 2011 she passed a court ordered drug test,(because she had RXs for what was in her system) so i had to give her 50% custody. She got a new boyfriend, moved in with him and had our kids staying there. After 1 month she was calling me saying she wanted to come home and work on our marriage. I finally let her come home in feb, and everything was good and we were trying to get her help, then she got ahold of more pain pills and attacked me again. She has now moved out and living with her parents, and talking to her boyfriend (who she has also hit and fought with alot) and is considering getting back with him. Once again Divorce is on. However I feel i want to save her and want her to come home so i can help her. This is a very vicious cycle that i cant seem to break. I feel like i love her, but at the same time know this will never work out because its been going on 6 years. we have 4 kids together. Im only 32 and feel like my life will be over without her. She is a very beautiful woman and would never guess in a million years by looking at her or talking to her that she has a severe drug problem. But Co-dependent No more seems to be a good book. Hopefully I can find peace as well, just know your not alone. I too have put myself into counselling hoping it will work. You cannot save them, they can only save themselves....... I just wish i knew how to take my own advice. Sorry to ramble on and takeover your post, just wanted you to know. be strong, and i think it helps tons knowing there is others out there dealing with these issues. God bless.

phillybrokenheart

No apologies needed, lol. Thats what we do here, it does help to know that you are not alone and not the only person dealing with a situation like this.

I read your thread and posted a comment.

Wishing you all the best!!!
:-)