Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
This also gives him a good reason to hide it - if he wants sex on the same day.[/QUOTE]
BUT, if he knows he's not going to get any from me, shouldn't that be enough to not want to look at it? To me, that says he would rather have porn than me!
I am not the kinky type, doing pics, role playing, that sort of thing, but I DO like sex, different positions, locations. I would think that any sex is better than no sex. I get nothing out of movies, there is no plot, I think they are a waste of time and money. Once again, I feel as I am being compared to the women in the movie. If he sees a hot looking mama w/big boobs, then wants to have sex with me, is he really having sex w/me or the bimbo he saw on TV? As far as body image, he constantly reminds me that everything I put in my mouth is going to my hips. He has never had on ounce of fat on his body in his life, so he ridicules anyone thats overweight. He just doesn't understand "why people let themselves go like that." I have tried to tell him there's more to it than that, but he just doesn't get it. He has always commented to me, no matter where we are or who is around. Once, he made a comment to me in front of his sister who told him he was an a$$ for saying that to me. He just said, "oh well." He has no concept of what it is like to have a little extra and how hard it is to get rid of it. I do not know if my H is jerking off, I just know that he seems to really love his porn, since he can't seem to quit looking at it. I did catch him doing it one time, right after I had our first baby(C-section) & I was unable to do my "wife-ly duty." So, either he has quit that or I've just never caught him again. We aren't on very good communicating lines right now, we fight every chance we get. I gave him some ideas on how to make me happy, all of which were shot down. He told me if it was that bad that maybe I should just leave. I guess he really doesn't want to work on this relationship.
And when I got home yesterday, guess what I found on the computer! We had an arguement, he left and didn't come home til around 11PM! Way to fix a problem!
I feel for you. He's degrading you by telling you how you don't look good enough for him. Babies, life, age, all of that affects what women's bodies look like. It is a shallow point of view, his.... but it's sad that a lot of people men and women, think this way.
Sounds like he is totally disrespecting you. He doesn't seem like he is willing to work on the marriage, or the things that upset you. by acting like the things that bother you are not worth discussing, he devalues you, and your marriage. Really the only thing that might make him see what he's doing to hurt you, and that you both probably have things you could improve on, is by seeing a therapist.
At some point, marriages with these kinds of issues, either have to be dealt with, or they face danger of ending. You can either leave him, or continue on like it is now... if he won't seek counseling, you'll have to decide just how much of his emotional abuse you can take.
And when I got home yesterday, guess what I found on the computer! We had an arguement, he left and didn't come home til around 11PM! Way to fix a problem!
One thing is for sure - you will never solve it like this.
One thing is for sure - you will never solve it like this.
I know that, but that is his way of fixing things. When things get tough and heated, he leaves. I know marriage takes 2, so what do I do? He will NOT see a therapist, which makes me believe this is probably over.
BUT, if he knows he's not going to get any from me, shouldn't that be enough to not want to look at it? To me, that says he would rather have porn than me!
actually just from my experience, this is a bad way to think about it. i know how you feel, trust me, but its not that simple. there's a lot of feelings going on and its not as simple as this or that, and trying to make it that simple in your head only frustrates you more.
there's a war going on and you're both playing. the only way to end a war is if one person stops trying to win. the way you do that is to start doing things that make you happy, instead of continually going after something that is making you down right miserable.
Racemom, let me put it this way, Say you like Chocolate, and your husband says to you, Stop eating Chocolate becuase you are getting fat. Will you stop eating it? or will you sneak some when he is not around?
I agree with Mark, they way you are going all about this is nto going to Solve it.
Let me ask you this...
My wife uses her Vibrator when she watches her Soap opera or another TV show where she is "fond" of a male character.
Would you classify this as "porn" as well? even though they are not having sex, she is stimulated by the men and their good looks on the show and she will use her toy to reach climax thinking of these men.
It doesn't bother me in the slightest, it is nice my wife can use her imagination and get a fantasy from it, it is healthy for the mind.
Not sure why you wouldn't role play, I thought every woman would love to play the naughty french maid for their husband....oh well your loss.
s for the overweight issue...What is the difference between your weight when you got married and now? My wife is about 10-15lbs heavier after 3 children, She works out becuase she wants to keep a toned body somewhat, she has the baby pouch, wich is no big deal to me, but I can assure you if she was 50lbs heavier I would not be as attracted to her, I love her to death, but hey I like skinny women.
I am NOT overweight, I weigh 15 pounds more than we were married. I am a size 5, which I believe is average. I don't have time to work out, I wish I did. Being a stay at home mom and wife to a farmer is more than a 9-5 job and I figure chasing kids IS my workout!
As far as role playing, we've never discussed it. I don't know if he would be interested, but if it has to do with sex, I can't imagine he wouldn't like it.
racemom,, you're not average, you're below average in terms of your clothing size, and apparently in Awsome shape! the average size woman in the US is a size 14!!!! I wish I was still a size 5. I am currently an 8/10 and I feel not too bad at this size, but my best size for me is 6, having said that I'm also 34, almost 35 and I'm just not made to be skinny, never have been, so I'm happy at this weight.
What it boils down to, is that if the Both of you were okay with porn, then it would be okay. But you're not, and it's something you've repeatedly asked for him to stop. So I'm with you on this one racemom. Comparing porn to other things,, is like apples and oranges. Don't let people make you feel you're somehow denying your man something, or a prude. And don't feel you're denying him something that is essential to life, since we all know, porn is not.
I continually see people on here aggressively stick up for porn, or anything else that is kinky. And make any woman, or person, who says it's not her cup of tea, seem like she is a puritain, a prude and is making her husband miserable by refusing to allow it to be part of their lives.
And don't get me wrong, i don't have a problem with kinky, if Both the hubby and the wife are into it. But when one spouse, flat out Refuses to respect their other half's boundaries. Well, then it's just plain wrong. And conflict arises. The only way you will ever reslove this is if you can make him see that it's hurting your relationship.
Giving in to him, simply because it's what he wants, if it's something that you don't want in your life, and your marriage, is not fair to you. And telling him that porn is not welcome in your home, is not like you're saying he can't eat, sleep and have the basics of life. You're not denying him anything that he can't live without. He just refuses to live without it, he's not respecting your wishes, and it's causing problems. Perhaps you can compromise and play a few dirty games, only ones you are Comfortable with, and then maybe he won't want to watch porn so much? Make love in the shower, or on the table, or on the couch, or in your car... or outside in your backyard , unless there's too much chance you'll be seen. The erotic , pleasureful wonderful sex, doesn't have to include porn, and watching other people on a video. You could do things that both of you are comfortable with, and still have a sexy marriage. If you are not comfortable doing that stuff either, then you shouldn't. It's all what you can handle. And hubby, will just have to learn that he can't push you, and can't tell you that you don't look good enough for him, watch porn later that night, adn then expect you to be all "in the mood" to have sex with him.
Just keep talking to him. Try to work on it, and compromise anyway that you can , without compromising your principles.
Get your own stash of dirty mags and stack em up next to your side of the bed. Get some titles along the lines of "Long Schlongs" and "Big n Hearty".
You know where Im going with this. I dont have to explain...
There are men on this forum, and on other forums who admit to preferring jerking and porn to sex with their wives. The fact that your husband expects sex right after puts him in a different camp.
Blanca's husband was one of the other type. Let's not compare apples and oranges...
Yea, I don't mind my H looking at porn, except when he prefers to stay up and jerk off instead of come to bed with me. That's when I started having a problem with it.
If your H is just looking and still wants it from you that is a plus.
I would put an end to his negative comments about you though.
Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!
I actually laughed out loud!
