Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
But, in your case racemom, you've asked him to stop, you've told him how much damage it is doing, and he continues to disrespect you... this is not just a man refusing to pick up his undies on the floor, this is an issue that involves other Sexual outlets, that he's brought into your marriage without your consent, and without you being on board, and therefore, it's wrong.....
You'll have to really try to talk seriously to him, and let him know what this is doing to your lives. And with other normal marital problems that all of us have, on top of this isssue? Well, it makes for a very difficult go of it, as you're seeing yourself. You should be respected enough for him to know that if it's hurting you that much, he shouldn't be doing it. He is acting like a selfish child. You've told him it's not okay with you, so it needs to stop. period.... Talk to him, take him to a therapist, or minister if need be. Good luck... and don't Ever let anyone make you feel guilty, prude, or not normal because you happen to think porn is damaging and something that you're not into..... you're not alone in that respect. Take care.
I'm one of you, too... My H views porn and it demaged my feelings, too... I learned that it has nothing to do with me, my body or something like that, it's just his addiction problem... but both have to try to work on it... it's too difficult or better it will take too long to do his on his own...
that's what I found in one of this threads... : check it out:
I need advice on something. I HATE porn and the fact that my husband looks at it, which I have expressed to him MANY times. He receives Playboy in the mail. I don't like this, but if he's gonna look at it, I WANT to know about it. Any others that I find, he definitely has taken thought into hiding from me. Often, whenever I leave the house long enough for him to come in, he checks out a few websites, then deletes them from the history, however, I can tell he has looked. I am not worried about the kids finding the magazines, it just makes me feel insecure(?) about my body. He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? I'm not overweight, but I have had 2 kids and do have a baby pooch. He gets angry when I won't have sex with him, but how can I when I know he's been looking at young girls with beautiful bodies. I don't know why, but this has always bothered me. He has done it throughout our 15 year marriage and we have always fought about it. Now that it is affecting our sex life, other things seem to be adding to the problem equation. Am I just being a harda?? Or do I deserve to feel this way?
1. This PORN is something you hate, but you married a man that LOVES it. You knew that it was going to be a problem, but you sacrificed your standards and chose to put up with it.
2.He's telling you that you need to work out and look like you did when you were 18. Does HE look like he did when he was 18? I'm sure he doesn't. Why doesn't he go do something about THAT?
Don't feel insecure about your body, Life Happens. You HAD KIDS! Got a bit older and have a little pouch. You didn't binge on fatty food and gain 500lbs. He needs to face reality, but the problem is he doesn't seem to like reality. He likes the fake PORN girls.
3. You kinda had this coming since you decided to drop your NO PORN standard and get with this guy, but it doesn't mean that it's right for him to continue to be so selfish and act like you are the one that has something wrong with them. If he wasn't willing to change his PORN viewing habits when you two were dating then he will never do it now.
so my queston is; is the problem him watching the porn and masturbating? If he was masturbating not watching porn would it still be an issue?
I do not know if he is masturbating or not. It is just the fact that he married me and I don't think he should be watching other women in sexual ways. I don't think he would make the comments about my body if he didn't have them to compare me to. It is just degrading and unappealling to me.
1. This PORN is something you hate, but you married a man that LOVES it. You knew that it was going to be a problem, but you sacrificed your standards and chose to put up with it.
I did NOT know when we got married that porn was a problem. I never saw that side of him, never found any magazines laying around, until AFTER we were married. It was about 8 months after we got married when I found the first of the magazines. So I feel that I got cheated a little bit, not knowing this about him. As far as looks go, he wears the same size of clothes that he did in high school. He looks pretty well the same, has never had to worry a day in his life about weight, he has a very high metabolism as he eats all day long and never gains a pound. So, I guess if he is unwilling to change, either I have to accept it and live with it or move on.
You definitely do not deserve to feel bad about your body. My husband looks at porn and I never try to stop him. It may be damaging to our sex life, I am not sure. I think porn just adds a little fantasy to a man's imagination. Maybe you can get some erotic videos to view together that can spice up your sex life. I am sorry I don't have any better advice.
I am comforted that I am not the only wife who feels this way, and at the same time horrified at how prevalent this is! I honestly don't think that men understand how absolutely devastating this is to us. And please stop giving advice about how we need to spice things up. That is crap! I am the ONLY one spicing things up, he doesn't. I just don't understand the advice saying, " It doesn't have anything to do with you" and the next sentence saying, "Maybe you should spice things up" WTF? I don't have a solution. I guess like racemom said live with it or don't. It really sucks, though.
I'm sorry Sensitive, I didn't mean you specifically! It's just that I hear that advice alot, but I don't think it makes sense. Another aspect of the problem for me anyway, is that I feel like he's trying to put one over on me - sneaking around. That really ticks me off.
I am comforted that I am not the only wife who feels this way, and at the same time horrified at how prevalent this is! I honestly don't think that men understand how absolutely devastating this is to us. And please stop giving advice about how we need to spice things up. That is crap! I am the ONLY one spicing things up, he doesn't. I just don't understand the advice saying, " It doesn't have anything to do with you" and the next sentence saying, "Maybe you should spice things up" WTF? I don't have a solution. I guess like racemom said live with it or don't. It really sucks, though.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, someone else who understands! Its not that I don't like sex, my life just does not revolve around it, 24-7. I don't need to see other people enjoying sex. I don't want to see other people having sex. It is something intimate, a special time to be shared by 2 people, completely in love, IMO. I don't want other people having sex rubbed in face all the time. It is unappealling to me. I don't have a problem with watching a romantic love scene in a normal movie, but I have no desire to sit & watch porn flicks with H.
i have read your post. I can releat to how you feel and I am sorry. I was remarried on New Years day 2009, did not realy know what I do now. We have had alot of fun times and some not so fun. Yes, I love him dearly, we are alot alike except for THE PORN...... It is driving a wedge. There was a few times that I thought he was, or we were going to be ok,, I still hold onto that hope for true intimacy with him. Be who you were when you meet. I know it is not easy to do sometimes. You feel hopeless, lonely and betrayed am I right?
I guess I may be different in this situation.. But Porn is kind of erotic to me... I am a female (38 years young) and if my husband wanted to watch porn with me... I would gladly do it... To me it is just sex and most men have active imaginations, so if you can't beat them... join them! Help him forfill those thoughts! Be the sexy bar maid from the movie... Act it out... Live a little, and have fun! As their wives we have the resposibility of feeding that (of course they do for us also). I don't see the disrespect part... I understand why he hides it... Cause he doesn't want to hurt you... but doesn't sound like an addiction, cause he wants to be with you after he watches them. I have 3 childrern (and a baby pooch too), but when I am with my husband I act like I am as sexy as any of those women in the movies!! Do you think maybe you could be a little more flexible in this situation?
Last edited by lizzy23; 04-10-2009 at 03:58 PM.
Reason: spelling...
The basic rule of porn in marriage is that as long as it doesn't effect the frequency of marital sex, leave it alone.
If it has started to effect your sex life then you have a good reason to be pissed.
But being angry is just the first of a whole range of emotions that wives go through when they have to deal with this problem. They go through a lot of misery. And sadly, the truth is that anger is really a wasted emotion. If a man in a long term marriage has a bad porn habit it is almost impossible to stop him. Whether he started with the porn because he no longer enjoyed partner sex or whether he doesn't now enjoy partner sex because of the porn, it makes no difference.
The best thing to do is either make your plans to leave or find a way to accept things as they are so you can get on with your life.
We all look at porn, men just look at it more. My husband is obsessed with it. Actually has neat little folders on his computer, Big Boobs, small boobs, big girls, small girls, anal, blow jobs etc.
I think he is a freak, but its also one of the things I like about him is that he is a weirdo.
I told him he's only allowed to paw off when I'm not home. If he's horny wake me up, and if he can't wake me up, do it anyway.
I am bored with his porn collection actually, and the less energy you put into it I realized the less interested they get. He isn't as obsessed as he used to be. I'm used to it now. The one good thing is that he's the one who feels insecure. I want sex all the time, and he can't keep up. So I know in the back of his mind he's thinking, if I can't keep my wife pleased how am I going to please anyone else. Which is my way of punishing him for being a bad boy. I know he thinks about being with other women. I think about being with other men. Difference is I wouldnt cheat on him, and I'm pretty sure if a women gave him the opportunity he would jump, not because I'm not super terrific, its because he has a penis and half a brain. So, I stay one step ahead of him and slap his hand and say "no sweetie, you can't go home with the check out girl" and if he's good I'll let him pretend I'm the check out girl. Nothing is perfect, but you find ways to make it work.
Once you remove the taboo you remove the desire, is I guess the moral of this story.
Try getting and reading the book, "Love and Pornography." The authors, Victoria Prater and Garry Prater, approach porn addiction in relationships more honestly than I have ever come across. It's also a book that looks at both sides of the porn issue with compassion. And it definitely addresses the issue on the problems and issues it causes in a relationship. It's a must read before you decide to call it quits.
Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!
I'm one of you, too... My H views porn and it demaged my feelings, too... I learned that it has nothing to do with me, my body or something like that, it's just his addiction problem... but both have to try to work on it... it's too difficult or better it will take too long to do his on his own... 
