Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I guess it wouldn't bother me so much except for 2 things:
1) Why does he feel like he has to hide it from me?
2) Why can't he quit? We have fought over this for 15 years! Wouldn't it just be easier to quit? I don't think I'm asking for a HUGE favor here, am I?
Marriage is all about compromise and if he can't do this one thing for me, than it kinda tells me where I rate.
1.) He hides it because he likes it knows you hate it. Not to mention he's prolly sick to death of having that same argument over and over.
2.) Some men, myself included, enjoy looking at naked women. I love women. Everything about them. The likelihood of him just stopping is almost none. What you should do is discuss what kind and how much of it is ok with you. Your going to have to give a little to get what you want. Telling him NO and NONE is not compromise. It's control. Compromise is limiting him to a playboy or hustler subscription.
Honestly, I dont think it makes you rate lower then the porn. You are still his number 1. Just because he likes to look at porn doesnt mean he finds you less attractive to want sex with you less. It just means that men think about sex all the time and porn is an easy outlet for those thoughts.
Also, using sex as a ways to an end is a very bad idea. He'll end up resenting you for it. Its really not worth the price you'll pay for doing it.
I did NOT know when we got married that porn was a problem. I never saw that side of him, never found any magazines laying around, until AFTER we were married. It was about 8 months after we got married when I found the first of the magazines. So I feel that I got cheated a little bit, not knowing this about him. As far as looks go, he wears the same size of clothes that he did in high school. He looks pretty well the same, has never had to worry a day in his life about weight, he has a very high metabolism as he eats all day long and never gains a pound. So, I guess if he is unwilling to change, either I have to accept it and live with it or move on.
I had the same thing happen to me. It has been an issue for a long time. I will check out the book recommended by burnsrunner because I feel like it is difficult to come to a compromise and I think Nothingman is kind of right.
Although when I found porn on the computer recently, my question to my husband was not "why do you do this?" It was "what does adult sex look like to you?" I meant by that did he want to include this in his sexuality with me. He claims to not want to look at it, but I suspect this is a temporary lull.
We did try viewing X-rated movies together at one point, but it just made me feel dirty and uncomfortable and I think it made our sex life worse not better.
I had the same thing happen to me. It has been an issue for a long time. I will check out the book recommended by burnsrunner because I feel like it is difficult to come to a compromise and I think Nothingman is kind of right.
Although when I found porn on the computer recently, my question to my husband was not "why do you do this?" It was "what does adult sex look like to you?" I meant by that did he want to include this in his sexuality with me. He claims to not want to look at it, but I suspect this is a temporary lull.
We did try viewing X-rated movies together at one point, but it just made me feel dirty and uncomfortable and I think it made our sex life worse not better.
Hey, atleast you tried Too bad it made you feel that way...almost like you got punished for trying to do the right thing. I think most men understand that our wives are not going to do the things porn girls do. I wouldnt want her to do those things. Well....maybe just a few of em.
I have been open with him about this issue, telling him if I know he looked at it that day, then he won't be getting anything from me that night.
That type of manipulation will only exacerbate the situation. Here is food for thought PORN IS ADDICTING and masturbation is also addicting! He is an addict as I once was. My wife never really cared whether or not I watched porn. There is a primitive instinct for a man to want younger and/or more beautiful women, but he can't seem to control it. If he is willing counciling may help. He hides it because he doesn't want to fight, the more you fight the worse your relationship gets, the worse it gets the more he wants porn. It may be his escape. If you are a demanding women who rules the roost that could be part of the reason he fantasizes about other women. Does he have an inferiority complex? Does he find himself attractive? Is he satisfied with the amount of sex? Are you willing to come to an agreement, like maybe if he wants to watch porn he has to have sex with you first, that could work out nicely!
Let me in on the secret why men love to watch women degrading themselves in that fashion? I mean ok so you like to look at naked women ok...well I certainly enjoy looking at naked men...but well ok so it's not the same, cause men don't get degraded the way women do in porn...but still I'm like really uh...who the f*ck finds those women respectable?
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"Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life..."
Porn good or bad is a pointless argument IMO. Porn is in the eye of the beholder. Some like it, some don't, some can put up with it, some can't. You can sit here all day long and debate between you why it's good or bad or other, and nothing will be resolved.
Think of it like alcohol. Some people think it's OK, some think it's not, and you probably won't change each others minds. And like Alcohol, porn can become a problem. And a lot of time, the problem depends on the motivation. Is it recreational, just for fun? Can you control it? Or is it a crutch or an unhealthy aid to a deeper problem.
Overall, it's up to the couples IMO. If one person doesn't like it, the issue has to be dealt with. Either the other has to stop, a compromise reached, or move on to another relationship. Personally, I see no problem with Porn. I don't compare them to my wife, it's never effected my sex life, it's just an activity that is fun. My wife didn't like it, especially when we first were together. So I stopped. It wasn't that big of a deal. We have watched a few together since then, and we both enjoyed it. But I still don't look at it anymore, even though now, I think she wouldn't care as part of her problem in the beginning was more with her insecurities as opposed to the porn itself.
Second. I like how people always talk about how "degrading" porn is to women? Explain to me why you think that? And why is it so much worse for the women than the men? Just curious? These woman make their choices to do what they've done. Some probably enjoy what they do and many might make good money doing it. Just because YOU would feel degraded, doesn't mean that THEY should feel degraded and that it's degrading to ALL women.
Third, the OP: In this case, the wife doesn't like it. Like with anything else in a relationship, this fact needs to be dealt with. And an argument about the good, bad and moralities of Porn is pointless here.
The husband and wife need to hash this stuff out, and come to an agreement of Yes, it's OK, not it's not, or something in the middle.
If it's a hard fast issue with her, NO PORN, end of story with no compromise, then the Husband needs to decide what's more important, Porn or Wife.
BUT remember this. As with any marital issue, it might not just a "Porn or No Porn" decision to him. It might be an issue of control and compromise. If he thinks this is the way you will handle other issues down the road. It will morph from "Porn or wife" to "Controlling wife or Single and Free". You can tell me how much this is not true until you are blue in the face, but anytime either spouse makes a hard line no compromise stance on any subject, these thoughts will come into play, no matter how much you disagree with it.
"Some probably enjoy what they do and many might make good money doing it. Just because YOU would feel degraded, doesn't mean that THEY should feel degraded and that it's degrading to ALL women."
Well, they LOOK degraded.
If porn making were not available to make easy money laying down, they'd be doctors, nurses or engineers, or architects.
OR at least they would think of something - well if they had a brain they would.
Am glad am not a man who is controlled by my base sexual urges so MUCH that I go watch strangers getting it on in the privacy of my home or some public porn movie theater where there are guys in there beating off in public!
I am glad I am not a man who goes and buys magazines full of women showing glossy fake boobs and shaved crotches with the labia hanging out a man who CONTRIBUTES to women who want to make easy money so BADLY they give into the temptation of letting someone take photos of them and knowing some stranger is looking at her photo, his **** in his hand and then he comes on her face or boobs, or whatever, or he goes and screws his wife, his little girl, little boy, or whoever, while thinking about the darn photos.
No, that isn't disgusting and degrading. Not at all!
Yes, porn has been around for forever - just as long as people who cannot control themselves.
But that is not an excuse to ignore and contribute to the bad side of it.
I for one am a woman who PREFERS a man who can be adult enough to control his base sexual side and learn to make love for love's sake, without having to have an assist from strangers.
"Some probably enjoy what they do and many might make good money doing it. Just because YOU would feel degraded, doesn't mean that THEY should feel degraded and that it's degrading to ALL women."
Well, they LOOK degraded.
If porn making were not available to make easy money laying down, they'd be doctors, nurses or engineers, or architects.
OR at least they would think of something - well if they had a brain they would.
Seriously? doctors or nurses? Then say they have no brains?
I don't know what they would be? Maybe they aren't intelligent and would be working **** minimum wage jobs the rest of their life and would rather be doing this? I don't know? The fact is they chose to do it.
I know what's coming next, "Would you want your daughter to do that?" Of course not. I would try to convince her to not do it. But I couldn't stop her if she was A.) and adult and B.) out of my house and control.... but in the same breath, I wouldn't want my son to do it either. But I'm not going to blame them for "degrading women everywhere" or any BS like that.
Am glad am not a man who is controlled by my base sexual urges so MUCH that I go watch strangers getting it on in the privacy of my home or some public porn movie theater where there are guys in there beating off in public!
I am glad I am not a man who goes and buys magazines full of women showing glossy fake boobs and shaved crotches with the labia hanging out a man who CONTRIBUTES to women who want to make easy money so BADLY they give into the temptation of letting someone take photos of them and knowing some stranger is looking at her photo, his **** in his hand and then he comes on her face or boobs, or whatever, or he goes and screws his wife, his little girl, little boy, or whoever, while thinking about the darn photos.
No, that isn't disgusting and degrading. Not at all!
Wow, simply wow....
First, I don't let my urges control me. I said I didn't see anything wrong with looking at it. When I did look at it, I did enjoy it as it is stimulating and entertaining to me. But I can control myself. I don't have to look at it, which I've proven.
And, for your wonderful synopsis of how porn is used. You may not like that. But I GUARANTEE that there are people that would be flattered by that.
Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!
Too bad it made you feel that way...almost like you got punished for trying to do the right thing. I think most men understand that our wives are not going to do the things porn girls do. I wouldnt want her to do those things. Well....maybe just a few of em.
