Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Good men and women, if you are in marriages with no sex, this is nothing but emotional abuse to both of you!
A man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated.
If a man and woman do not structure the marriage in this way, which is the way it was structured when you were dating or at least early married and the sex was perhaps excited and frequent, then the marriage is turning into roomates business partners or such.
What changed? Guess what, you did!
1. A man that is not a dominating man will resent his woman, and he will build emotional walls, and instead of his woman his attention is on sports, or hobbies, or working much, and of course pornography or affairs are probable.
2. A woman that is not dominated will resent her man, and she will build emotional walls, and in her will be severe feelings of insecurity and she will act on it, this looking like the "nagging wife" and "withholding sex", and also affairs are probable as she will look for ways to see that she is desired somehow.
A healthy sexual relationship is the dominant man in control of himself and his world, he will be the ownership of the sexual and emotional health of the relationship and the woman will be fiercely attracted to that man. If there was much sex early on, this is what was happening.
If this structure is ignored, over time it will lead to the spiral of resentment. A woman WILL RESENT a weak man, and over time you will get the wimpy man begging an insecure woman for sex. When this happens, it is nothing sexual or passionate or desirable about it and is emotional abuse to both the man and the woman.
The man is frustrated, and the woman sees EVERY good thing a man does as just a bribe for sex. It is a winless scenerio for both.
It must be remembered what the marriage was based on in the beginning.
A dominant man is sexually irrestible to a woman. A woman will resent a weak man.
All good men, if you have not taken charge in the bedroom, then how can your wife think she is desirable to you?
In any relationship where sexual attraction is desired, if this is recognized marriage will be bliss. If it is ignored, the marriage will be miserable.
As a guy I have a simple view of this:
- My wife always gets right of first refusal to my body. If she wants to connect - we connect. If she does NOT want to connect and I want release then I look at what I want.
- I do not - and never have compared her to any other woman - either from porn or real life
If my wife was having LESS sex with me I would be watching MORE porn. Very simple.
If she really didn't want me to watch any - she could simply connect with me whenever I wanted and that would be great with me. I strongly prefer her to porn - always have.
For me - about 4 years ago I quit the porn since at 43 I wanted to devote all of my sexual energy to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by racemom
I need advice on something. I HATE porn and the fact that my husband looks at it, which I have expressed to him MANY times. He receives Playboy in the mail. I don't like this, but if he's gonna look at it, I WANT to know about it. Any others that I find, he definitely has taken thought into hiding from me. Often, whenever I leave the house long enough for him to come in, he checks out a few websites, then deletes them from the history, however, I can tell he has looked. I am not worried about the kids finding the magazines, it just makes me feel insecure(?) about my body. He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? I'm not overweight, but I have had 2 kids and do have a baby pooch. He gets angry when I won't have sex with him, but how can I when I know he's been looking at young girls with beautiful bodies. I don't know why, but this has always bothered me. He has done it throughout our 15 year marriage and we have always fought about it. Now that it is affecting our sex life, other things seem to be adding to the problem equation. Am I just being a harda?? Or do I deserve to feel this way?
I don't know if this is just because I am young, or what, but at first I was extremely uncomfortable with my boyfriend watching porn. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him, and that he wanted a woman like those women in porns. I told him I hated him watching porn, and even pouted when I found out he was still watching it. I got depressed and angry, even though I am a pretty girl (not porn-star quality, then again, I don't have a photoshop editor for real life.)
I'm not sure when the turn around happened, but I started to watch porn with (and without) him. I don't 'get off' to porn, but I feel like I am arming myself with ideas to bring to the table of surprises! I also profile the porn he watches the most and take tips from those women (dancing, stripping, 'dirty') and apply them - occasionally - to our sex life. It spices it up, and I find myself enjoying it too.
Recently my boyfriend has mentioned that he likes the pierced look. Belly, nose, lip... while I don't want those, I found some great clip-ons that look real and am waiting to reveal them to him. I can't wait to see how he reacts! I am also getting a henna 'tramp stamp' and some sexy lingerie.
While I am young, and not in touch with my seniors, I would think that men who like to watch porn would be thrilled if their woman would occasionally 'act out' for him, as long as she is comfortable doing so. One thing porn is good for is helping indulge men in fantasies like threesomes, or other 'kinky' things his woman is not comfortable with. Let him indulge, in my opinion, as long as porn is not causing HIM to effect your sex life. (i.e. he'd rather watch porn than have sex with you) If his watching porn is effecting you sexually you can always try what I did, but that probably doesn't work for everyone.
Some women might not approve of what I do - dressing up to suit his fantasies - but I enjoy it too. He doesn't ask me to do these things, I do them willingly. I am not changing for my boyfriend, I am simply roleplaying.
The fact he is telling you -you no longer look like you're 18 is his 1st mistake, I undersand your hurt here, plus you've said their are many other problems in the marraige. One is his callousness - obviously. These may be even bigger issues.
I hope I can give you just another view on porn as my views have changed over the years. But I do agree with all the men, if you want to destroy it all & very fast, keep withholding the sex. This will only drive more of an addiction or going outside the marraige.
I used to HATE porn, used to feel as many of the women on here, only comparing myself, after many kids & c-sections, I too have a large pouch, but still a size 5 (be thankful for this!), I used to tape scriptures on the computer screen, funny story is a week after getting our 1st computer, my homepage was naked women!! I angrily called Dell & told them what my husband did. I did learn to laugh about some of this as time went on. We still have one pop up box that comes on every single time the computer starts, due to viewing porn.
I have a GREAT husband , even he hid it from me (pretty much the only thing in our marraige--because of my griping), and he even has LOW Testosterone levels and STILL Loves veiwing naked women, now if he is this way, I can almost guarentee you that if your man has HIGH levels of this hormone racing through his body, he will NOT stop porn unless he gets a Brain tumor, gets struck by lightning or worse , cause this desire is just "normal" and even healthy (depending on what they do with it -of coarse).
Many do not know that the brain that is responsive to sex hormones is 2 and a half times LARGER in men than in women (page 84 in "Sex on the Brain" by Daniel Amen, MD), which explains their preoccupation with these things. And this book is NOT sexiest in any way, as women are said to use all of their brain (we think TOOO much, get more depression, etc) , and men only use HALF (generally Less depression, more impulsive), why women can multitask and men can not, etc etc. Such a knowledge on why men Are so different and why we think differntly MAY help you understand each other.
If you have never been turned on to Porn in any way, and it repulses you (Much of it repulses me also as it seems so animalistic), this is going to be very difficulf for you, but some kind of compromise, for instance, what about PLAYGIRL DVD's , they are geared for the enjoyment of WOMEN viewers, I do not see them as animalistic or degrading, but highly erotic. MAYBE a start, watching these with the husband ?? A possibility?? It would be a step in HIS direction, and maybe he could do something for you.
Talk to him. But not demand, show you CAN learn to understand him but it is not OK for him to put you down, You need to feel like you are desired over any women he looks at, that you are HIS QUEEN , many men who enjoy porn feel this way about their wives, and when a women FEELS this, she is usually able to overcome these insecurities and even allow her man to enjoy. AS LONG AS her needs are NOT being neglected in any way. That is a major DEAL breaker, and I totally sympathize with any women in such a situation.
He needs to give you this, feeling you ARE his Queen. Or just working on some of the other issues in the marraige may bring this about. I just know I have overcame my insecurities, and now ENJOY porn with my husband and it has brought us much closer.
Ok, I can see both sides. I know what it feels like to be insecure, AND I can only imagine what it feels like for you to hear your husband say that you should do something about your body. Not good. So he was genetically blessed, well good for him, but he shouldn't make others feel bad about their metabolism not being as good. I would educate him on this. Get him to read one of the many web sites that explain that 1) Men have higher metabolisms and 2) Most women that have had children can't get their bodies back, short of surgery. Is he willing to pay for a tummy tuck? If not, tell him to shut the hell up.
Now, of course men have higher sex drives which can suck for us women since well... we're possessive and jealous creatures and to some of us the thought of our OH getting turned on by another woman who looks better is simply devastating. I would compromise though. It can backfire to ask him to flat out stop. It can backfire BADLY. Men are stubborn I guess. Well, we're stubborn too. And it's just human nature to want things our way. We're selfish creatures.
Ok, so compromise. I would tell him no more mags - they're expensive and there's free stuff online. But without mags it'll be harder for you to come across it. Out of sight, out of mind. There are good free sites online that don't fill your computer up with viruses and other crap. Remember, out of sight, out of mind. I mean, that kind of works for me. Either set the browser to clear the history after each session or tell him that when he surfs porn, he should use the private browsing option that most browsers have. I know it's difficult, but remember: OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.
I also liked the suggestion of another poster: tell him he can only watch porn after you've had sex. Or tell him to watch porn say 2 days a week, and on days that he doesn't watch it, you have sex with him.
Although his stupid remarks about your body would turn anyone off. I imagine how hard it'd be for you to get turned on after hearing THAT.
On the other hand, question for men: Ok, so you all like porn A LOT. You feel it's your right to watch it and women in your life should understand it and respect it. But then, why is it so hard to respect that maybe that woman is completely uncomfortable with it and the idea of you watching it? Sure, you're free to do what you want, but at the expense of hurting someone else? Why is the right to porn more important than a woman's hurt feelings?
I have to say, I'm with you 100%. I hate porn, not only what it does to my own self esteem, but the women who pose/preform for them aswel.
I don't care what anyone says, the reality is men look at porn and fantasise about being with that woman, having sex with her or whatever... I'm fairly sure they don't watch it to get decorating ideas??? To me that is a form of cheating. Having been cheated on by my H (which we are trying to work through), makes me even more convinced his "porn" thing had something to do with it. It started with porn, then eventually went and got the real thing. We however have enjoyed a very fulfilling sexual life. Comments about "not giving it too him, may lead him to stray, really **** me off. There are NEVER any guarantees. If it makes you uncomfortable, then he needs to stop. Why is it always the women that needs to put out to stop her man cheating. What a load of BS. How would men feel if women said, if you keep looking at porn, and making me feel degraded, unworthy, not attractive enough etc then I'm going to sleep with someone that would rather look at me then porn.
Stick to your guns, You should be enough for him not to need his UNREALISTIC touched up ladies.
Ok so here is my dilemma. I am 22 yrs old. with three kids and newly married. I was married once before to a man who would neglect my sexual needs to do the "deed" and watch porn which I consistently caught him doing. I did not approve of porn from the start as I had a child hood trauma that made me this way. I have come to terms with that. Now I am newly married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me, but I seem to push him away on regular basis. He is a man and has sexual needs and I do not let him satisfy those needs because of my problems in the past.
I told him from the beginning of our relationship that I will NOT put up with masturbation, porn, or anything like that. I caught him once and my trust for him is now gone. Now I seem to be looking for things that could be interpreted as negative behavior. I know I need help with this issue but I simply do not have time, not even an hour a week, as I work and go to school. I want him to be able to do what he wants but it hurts me so bad that it feels as though he is cheating on me.
As I read each blog on here, I now write this blog while I am crying, just because it pisses me off so bad that I have to open old hurtful memories for him to be able to jack off and watch porn. I know that I am being selfish in this field but I don't think that I can bring my self to terms with watching porn or to let him and its now come down to ending our marriage. Over this! It's so stupid I know but I can't do it and I don't know what to do except to desensitize myself which does not work. I just get mad.Now I am pushing him away and ending the marriage because I feel like a bad wife. He says he feels guilty even when he takes a shower. Now how could I make him stay with me if he is demeaned as a man? any advice?
OK so this topic is crazy. My husband and I are going to be attending counsiling tomorrow, and this very subject is a huge part of the reason we are going.
1-I first hated porn and tried to control him.
2-Well then he starts going behind my back and hiding it.
3- I try a 180 degree turn and say "hey lets watch it together and go ebay crazy on buying pornos. (NEW IN PACKAGE hahaha)
4- Its ok in the beginning but i tell him im only comfortable with us doing it together.
5- Well 4 ends up being a lie because i never really want to watch it unless im wasted because i always end up comparing myself to them bitc-- i mean lovely women....
6- I get the feeling that hes once again eatching it behind my back and go into full blown crazy mode........
7- I place each of the ebay pornos in ABC order with title facing down. And i wait........ muahahahaha
8- Well, as I guess it, I find out that he is watching it again and am once again hurt...
What ive learned.... Im not sure I'll ever be ok with it. But I know that I have made it that much more fun for him. Because ive made it a HUGE deal its like taht much more exciting to do it and get away with it......
Hopefully the counsiling will help. I can tell myself over and over its a guy thing, and whatever, but I always go back to feeling hurt...
sweetie pie... I feel I connect with you the most.. I think you are right on the money! but unfortunately, I have always been the controlling one in my relationship(s) and now made it such a big deal that our marriage is on the brink of extinction. Im stubborn, hard headed, controlling, and a ***** to boot and he knew that when he married me. But here-in-lies the problem, I am so angry that I can't let him back into my heart even though I want him back. Im torn and I dont know what to do! help! Or Im gonna end up alone and sad for the rest of my life.
I don't see an issue with porn. I used to think I should have a problem with it, but I don't see the harm. It's just giving him ideas on stuff to try, and he says he always envisions us together. He wouldn't lie just to make me feel better.
I'm not a very sexual person, but my guy really is. He gets his rocks off and I get to go on with my life. I'm typically too preoccupied with life to get into it. He totally jumps on the chance whenever I'm in the mood, so I'm satisfied and he doesn't complain.
As for the people who have issues with their man neglecting them to watch porn, every considered making a vid of you two? That might make him realize how hot you are. Or it might make him self conscious... Might wanna scratch that idea.
But here-in-lies the problem, I am so angry that I can't let him back into my heart even though I want him back. Im torn and I dont know what to do! help! Or Im gonna end up alone and sad for the rest of my life.
Really, what did he do? So you caught him wanking it. Did you ask him why he needed to, who he was thinking about, what you could do to make sure it doesn't happen again since you're the one with the problem here?
You say you're controlling. I am too. But if he has needs and is feeling unfulfilled, and isn't talking to you about it, shouldn't you be glad he's just watching a video of sex and not seeking out another woman?
Seems to me that there is a communication barrier. I would talk to him. Find out where the issue is coming from and find a way to fix it. It's not all about you and your needs here. Imagine if you were in his place.
Marina72....you hit the NAIL ON THE HEAD....you have enlighten me and I don't feel so bad now. My husband is addicted as well...he feels as if he doesn't have a problem AT ALL. I'm so sick of him I could just throw up. Everytime I find a DVD or video tape I put them in the trash. Now he has purchased his own Lap top so I can't go through the computer history to see what low down websites he's been surfing. I feel exactly the way you do. If we used it together, that's one thing, but to sneak, hide and watch it every chance you get, it's definitly emotional cheating in my book.
If this type of behavior discuss you, how can you let him put his hands on you? When I know that he's been whatching that mess...I don't want to be near him in any kind of way. I'm sorry, but my mind and heart wont allow it. I feel like I give in to him when I allow him to touch me after he's been watching that trash. Well, thanks again for sharing your views and comments. For that reason alone, I'm going to copy and past your comment and e-mail it to my husband so that he will see I am not alone in this fight.
Racemom...I feel the same as you.. we need prayer for ourselves and spouses!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. His porn viewing has nothing to do with you-keep in mind he's been doing this before you even had your kids. You should not feel bad about yourself. Ive found in my similar situation things seem to get better for us in the bedroom when I try to not check up on him--I just pray and let it go...not always easily. The more I try to forget about it the easier it is and he responds better to me because Im not angry with him. I know its not easy, but I feel better when I don't feel hurt or angry--if I don't find the evidence I don't feel this way.
Have any of you ladies ever considered counseling in order to overcome your aversion to pornography? The root causes of the self esteem issues you guys talk about likely stretch back to well before you met your husbands. Perhaps dealing with those issues could make you more accepting.
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Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it! 
