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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Addiction » Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 03-03-2009, 08:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

I need advice on something. I HATE porn and the fact that my husband looks at it, which I have expressed to him MANY times. He receives Playboy in the mail. I don't like this, but if he's gonna look at it, I WANT to know about it. Any others that I find, he definitely has taken thought into hiding from me. Often, whenever I leave the house long enough for him to come in, he checks out a few websites, then deletes them from the history, however, I can tell he has looked. I am not worried about the kids finding the magazines, it just makes me feel insecure(?) about my body. He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? I'm not overweight, but I have had 2 kids and do have a baby pooch. He gets angry when I won't have sex with him, but how can I when I know he's been looking at young girls with beautiful bodies. I don't know why, but this has always bothered me. He has done it throughout our 15 year marriage and we have always fought about it. Now that it is affecting our sex life, other things seem to be adding to the problem equation. Am I just being a harda?? Or do I deserve to feel this way?
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

Sorry to hear about your por problem. My husband denied for years that he was looking at porn but I knew something was wrong in our marriage, so I know where you are coming from.

Last year I found the evidence I needed on his computer and I was totally enraged for a few reasons. First of all becasue he denied it for so many years and caused us so many unnecesary arguments and I couldn't believe he would put us through that, second, because he has developed weird habits that are detrimental to any marriage and also because as you said I felt dirty and compared and it took away from my confidence. I am a mother of three and married for 24 years and I do take care of myself but now i feel like... why bother???

Porn is addictive and just like any addiction it is not easy to overcome. He would need professional help if he has been doing it for that long, I put a parental control on his comp and he hates it.

He also said he was relief that I found it because he really wanted to quit. I am not so sure about that...I still have doubts ...because he lies alot, he has developed many very bad habits and I blame it all on the porn.
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

Racemom, I can only offer my point of view.

I can honestly say I have received Playboy for about 10 years, it was a gift subscription from my wife and I have and do view some porn on the internet. I would say I average about 15 min a week. Usually just pics on Project Voyuer or some other site.

Now I can Honestly say I DO NOT compare my wife to any of these women, not the bodies, the faces, none of it.

My wife is SO MUCH MORE then any of these women can be, the intimate connection we have, the sexy teasing, the joking, etc.

My wife is 38, she has given birth to three Children (our children) and also has the "pouch" that so many women hate and the stretch marks. Where as I don't even see them or notice them.

May I ask, Have you ever dressed up? Role Play? you know French Maid? Call girl? Sexy Nurse? Secretary? School girl? Lingerie? anything of that sort? for your husband? Have you ever done a Sexy Photo shoot?

I'll put it this way, I have about a thousand pics of my wife in different outfits and different "roles" in my "collection" for my eyes only of course. I find NOTHING SEXIER then my wife in her "costumes" or Lingerie.

Right now you have a self confidence issue wih your body, when it is all really in your mind, men do not compare their wives to these women on the magazines, they are fake and "photshopped" You are SO much more and CONFIDENCE makes women even sexier.

Do you have a nice Digital camera? When the kids are away (school, grandma'setc) Ever think about doing a " dress up" photo shoot for your hubby? He can be the camera man, the director, you can be the Model, dress yourself up, make up, the whole nine yards, nicely shaved...etc.

I am telling you, you surprise your husband with this, he will be drooling over you, My wife and I do phot shoots ever so often we come up with new Idea's and outfits. You know low cut top, miniskirt, thigh high stockings, high heels, stuff you would never wear in public, but would wear for your hubby.

There is a old saying, " we want our women to be a "lady" in public, but a sexual freak in the bedroom!"

We want you to be the nice sweet lady and mom in public, but oh do we want the naughty girl in the house when no one is around.....get naughty, send him teasing texts, whisper things in his ear. He will love it.

As I said, I had gotten playboy for 10 years, I've grown bored of it, does nothing for me. But I can hardly wait for me and my wife's next photo session!!!! I am like a kid waiting on a big candy bar. I love my wife's face, hair, smile, body, everything about her...I don't even notice the "pouch" she complains about, I guess I am to busy looking at her chest! lol

I hope this helps.
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Old 03-04-2009, 03:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

[QUOTE=racemom; I'm not overweight, but I have had 2 kids and do have a baby pooch. He gets angry when I won't have sex with him [/QUOTE]

my advice for whats its worth. ask him not to compare.
but your also causing a complication here, by not having sex.
because it really is both what you want.

step over your barrier and enjoy sex with your husband. he might be looking at porn - ?? maybe too often , but the only one he is with is u.
he sounds like hes only looking .
you start denying him and he may start wandering.

take a back step, but one time, take your H . do everything you dont normally do.
basically shock him stupid as to what you can do. ok the porn might cross your mind- but block it out .
you can get your sex life back - just give in to it.

put it this way - if hes not making love with love - he has an opportunity to look at porn , because your also denying him.
your H is stil sexually active.
so take away the opportunity to look at porn.
why dont u , one night put a porn dvd on and watch it together and do stuff together as your watching it.
change eachothers fantasy levels.
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Old 03-04-2009, 09:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

I guess it wouldn't bother me so much except for 2 things:
1) Why does he feel like he has to hide it from me?
2) Why can't he quit? We have fought over this for 15 years! Wouldn't it just be easier to quit? I don't think I'm asking for a HUGE favor here, am I?
Marriage is all about compromise and if he can't do this one thing for me, than it kinda tells me where I rate.
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

prob hide it for hes on a guilt trip.
how can he quit or compromise - if your backing of from sex.
your not asking a huge favour - your just wanting to feel the way your feeling because of what he does.
try and come to a compromise for both of you.
i have this type of issue - but with drink not porn.
im far better than i was, because unfortunately he was pushed to a compromise. our marriage or he had to go.
its also a chance i took for my marriage.
personally take you H to bed.
as for the baby belly, i have a slight one.
but my mind - well i gave birth to 2 wonderful children.
ok monsters at times.
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

I have only recently started using sex(or lack of) against him. We have many other problems and I have not been happy for quite some time. You can read my other post if you want more info, titled Help, Stay or Go. I just figured if I was miserable for things he is doing or not doing to make me happy, then he should pay. I know thats mean, but thats the way I work, and he knows it. I have been open with him about this issue, telling him if I know he looked at it that day, then he won't be getting anything from me that night. Simple, I think.
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Old 03-04-2009, 11:08 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by racemom View Post
I have been open with him about this issue, telling him if I know he looked at it that day, then he won't be getting anything from me that night. Simple, I think.
And the more you do that, the more he will crave the outlet of porn. Simple.

This also gives him a good reason to hide it - if he wants sex on the same day.
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

But all I really wanted was for him to quit, is that too much to ask?
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Old 03-04-2009, 01:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

it is alot to ask to quit, especially if its an addiction.
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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He hides it from you becuse he knows it makes you feel bad, he doesn't want you to feel bad.

You ahve a low self image of yourself, you need to overcome that and be the sexy MILF you are.

keeping him from having sex will push him to other areas including more porn.

Being sexier and more confident will have him eating out of your hand.

He married you because he thinks you are darn sexy. When you lose confidence in yourself you push him away.

trust me on this
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

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Originally Posted by racemom View Post
But all I really wanted was for him to quit, is that too much to ask?
im all with you racemom. my h was looking at porn and i am not ok with it. i stopped wanting sex with him, too. and even though he's stopped looking at it, im still working on wanting it from him. i know some would say that not wanting sex with him just exacerbates the problem, but i stopped trying to control what my H does, and started doing what felt right to me. what he does is his own choice.

you have to do what feels right for you. its not 'cool' these days to not be ok with porn, but if it doesnt feel right for you, then that's what you have to go with.
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Old 03-05-2009, 03:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Do either one of you women read Romance Novels?
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Old 03-05-2009, 04:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

racemom-

There are men on this forum, and on other forums who admit to preferring jerking and porn to sex with their wives. The fact that your husband expects sex right after puts him in a different camp.

Blanca's husband was one of the other type. Let's not compare apples and oranges...
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Old 03-05-2009, 08:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

"He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? "

So, he's telling you that you don't look good , like you used to, and you should do something about it, And he's checking out porn, and playboy, on a regular basis. And he's naive enough to think you will Want to have sex with him? Ummmm I wouldn't either honey. No, you're not being a harda**... he's being insensitive, rude, shallow and sorry, but kind of a jerk.

I am not into porn, and I don't make any flack about it, and I don't need other posters getting all over me calling me a prude, or freak, or insecure, I simply find it grotesque most of the time, so please anyone who is into that, please don't jump all over me.

Now, it's one thing, if a consenting married couple wants to enjoy porn together, and if you and your hubby were both into it, and neither one of you had a problem with it, and you had a strong relationship , then it might not be that big of a problem.

But your husband is busy telling you that you're not hot enough for him anymore, and then going behind your back and getting off to porn , those two things don't usually add up to a wife respecting, loving, and wanting to pleasure her man.... simple as that.

I don't think you're out of line at all Racemom.... I think you need to tell him how much his critisizm of your body, and his porn habits, are crushing your feelings, and likely mutual respect for him. to honest, a man that treats his wife thusly, doesn't deserve her respect.

Porn rarely makes a marriage better. The reason is, because there is usually one person, that does not apprectiate the usage, and sometimes obsession that occurs because of the introduction of that element into a marriage.
I do know that when my hubby and I had our pre-marriage counseling, our priest (we are english catholic (episcopalian) and it's required for us to get married.... we went over the issue of porn, as they always do, and he asked us both how we felt about it. My hubby did admit that he'd looked at it, and I have too... I do not tend to enjoy it, like he did.. unless it's done together, as part of a sexual experience between the two of us. The priest confirmed, that when one party in a marriage engages in that, and the other does not, that it is indeed a form of being unfaithful, especially when it spirals out of control, just as are emotional affairs, physical affairs, and other forms of cheating.

Now, I know not everyone is religious, or even spiritual, so I don't expect everyone to think the same way, or view porn the same way. I do know, that I told my man , way before we got married, that it had no place in our lives, or house. We have a young daughter, and I told him the porn was not to be on our computer, and that if he truly wanted to look at it, that we could do it together, or not at all.... but he knows that it's not the best thing to make a marriage stronger, and that it almost always elicites hurt and resentment on someones part.. and since he doesn't miss it, we dont' bother with it. I know for a fact, that he never views it. And like I said, I told him if he wanted to look at it, that we could have a nice long kinky love session, together, adn that we'd pop in a video, but that him jacking off, on a regular basis, instead of having sex with me,,, was Not going to fly... he agrees.

Porn, whether proponents of it say so or not,,, can be Very damaging, to self esteem, to the deep loving connection between a man and woman, and to the children that might accidentally view it. Having said that, I know some are into it, and some are not, that is Everyone's choice.

But, in your case racemom, you've asked him to stop, you've told him how much damage it is doing, and he continues to disrespect you... this is not just a man refusing to pick up his undies on the floor, this is an issue that involves other Sexual outlets, that he's brought into your marriage without your consent, and without you being on board, and therefore, it's wrong.....
You'll have to really try to talk seriously to him, and let him know what this is doing to your lives. And with other normal marital problems that all of us have, on top of this isssue? Well, it makes for a very difficult go of it, as you're seeing yourself. You should be respected enough for him to know that if it's hurting you that much, he shouldn't be doing it. He is acting like a selfish child. You've told him it's not okay with you, so it needs to stop. period.... Talk to him, take him to a therapist, or minister if need be. Good luck... and don't Ever let anyone make you feel guilty, prude, or not normal because you happen to think porn is damaging and something that you're not into..... you're not alone in that respect. Take care.
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