Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Porn, Porn, Porn, I'm sick of it!

42K views 101 replies 56 participants last post by  Mr B 
#1 ·
I need advice on something. I HATE porn and the fact that my husband looks at it, which I have expressed to him MANY times. He receives Playboy in the mail. I don't like this, but if he's gonna look at it, I WANT to know about it. Any others that I find, he definitely has taken thought into hiding from me. Often, whenever I leave the house long enough for him to come in, he checks out a few websites, then deletes them from the history, however, I can tell he has looked. I am not worried about the kids finding the magazines, it just makes me feel insecure(?) about my body. He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? I'm not overweight, but I have had 2 kids and do have a baby pooch. He gets angry when I won't have sex with him, but how can I when I know he's been looking at young girls with beautiful bodies. I don't know why, but this has always bothered me. He has done it throughout our 15 year marriage and we have always fought about it. Now that it is affecting our sex life, other things seem to be adding to the problem equation. Am I just being a harda?? Or do I deserve to feel this way?
 
#2 ·
Sorry to hear about your por problem. My husband denied for years that he was looking at porn but I knew something was wrong in our marriage, so I know where you are coming from.

Last year I found the evidence I needed on his computer and I was totally enraged for a few reasons. First of all becasue he denied it for so many years and caused us so many unnecesary arguments and I couldn't believe he would put us through that, second, because he has developed weird habits that are detrimental to any marriage and also because as you said I felt dirty and compared and it took away from my confidence. I am a mother of three and married for 24 years and I do take care of myself but now i feel like... why bother???

Porn is addictive and just like any addiction it is not easy to overcome. He would need professional help if he has been doing it for that long, I put a parental control on his comp and he hates it.

He also said he was relief that I found it because he really wanted to quit. I am not so sure about that...I still have doubts ...because he lies alot, he has developed many very bad habits and I blame it all on the porn.
 
#3 ·
Racemom, I can only offer my point of view.

I can honestly say I have received Playboy for about 10 years, it was a gift subscription from my wife and I have and do view some porn on the internet. I would say I average about 15 min a week. Usually just pics on Project Voyuer or some other site.

Now I can Honestly say I DO NOT compare my wife to any of these women, not the bodies, the faces, none of it.

My wife is SO MUCH MORE then any of these women can be, the intimate connection we have, the sexy teasing, the joking, etc.

My wife is 38, she has given birth to three Children (our children) and also has the "pouch" that so many women hate and the stretch marks. Where as I don't even see them or notice them.

May I ask, Have you ever dressed up? Role Play? you know French Maid? Call girl? Sexy Nurse? Secretary? School girl? Lingerie? anything of that sort? for your husband? Have you ever done a Sexy Photo shoot?

I'll put it this way, I have about a thousand pics of my wife in different outfits and different "roles" in my "collection" for my eyes only of course. I find NOTHING SEXIER then my wife in her "costumes" or Lingerie.

Right now you have a self confidence issue wih your body, when it is all really in your mind, men do not compare their wives to these women on the magazines, they are fake and "photshopped" You are SO much more and CONFIDENCE makes women even sexier.

Do you have a nice Digital camera? When the kids are away (school, grandma'setc) Ever think about doing a " dress up" photo shoot for your hubby? He can be the camera man, the director, you can be the Model, dress yourself up, make up, the whole nine yards, nicely shaved...etc.

I am telling you, you surprise your husband with this, he will be drooling over you, My wife and I do phot shoots ever so often we come up with new Idea's and outfits. You know low cut top, miniskirt, thigh high stockings, high heels, stuff you would never wear in public, but would wear for your hubby.

There is a old saying, " we want our women to be a "lady" in public, but a sexual freak in the bedroom!"

We want you to be the nice sweet lady and mom in public, but oh do we want the naughty girl in the house when no one is around.....get naughty, send him teasing texts, whisper things in his ear. He will love it.

As I said, I had gotten playboy for 10 years, I've grown bored of it, does nothing for me. But I can hardly wait for me and my wife's next photo session!!!! I am like a kid waiting on a big candy bar. I love my wife's face, hair, smile, body, everything about her...I don't even notice the "pouch" she complains about, I guess I am to busy looking at her chest! ;) lol

I hope this helps.
 
#4 ·
racemom; I'm not overweight said:
my advice for whats its worth. ask him not to compare.
but your also causing a complication here, by not having sex.
because it really is both what you want.

step over your barrier and enjoy sex with your husband. he might be looking at porn - ?? maybe too often , but the only one he is with is u.
he sounds like hes only looking .
you start denying him and he may start wandering.

take a back step, but one time, take your H . do everything you dont normally do.
basically shock him stupid as to what you can do. ok the porn might cross your mind- but block it out .
you can get your sex life back - just give in to it.

put it this way - if hes not making love with love - he has an opportunity to look at porn , because your also denying him.
your H is stil sexually active.
so take away the opportunity to look at porn.
why dont u , one night put a porn dvd on and watch it together and do stuff together as your watching it.
change eachothers fantasy levels.
 
#5 ·
I guess it wouldn't bother me so much except for 2 things:
1) Why does he feel like he has to hide it from me?
2) Why can't he quit? We have fought over this for 15 years! Wouldn't it just be easier to quit? I don't think I'm asking for a HUGE favor here, am I?
Marriage is all about compromise and if he can't do this one thing for me, than it kinda tells me where I rate.
 
#44 ·
1.) He hides it because he likes it knows you hate it. Not to mention he's prolly sick to death of having that same argument over and over.

2.) Some men, myself included, enjoy looking at naked women. I love women. Everything about them. The likelihood of him just stopping is almost none. What you should do is discuss what kind and how much of it is ok with you. Your going to have to give a little to get what you want. Telling him NO and NONE is not compromise. It's control. Compromise is limiting him to a playboy or hustler subscription.

Honestly, I dont think it makes you rate lower then the porn. You are still his number 1. Just because he likes to look at porn doesnt mean he finds you less attractive to want sex with you less. It just means that men think about sex all the time and porn is an easy outlet for those thoughts.

Also, using sex as a ways to an end is a very bad idea. He'll end up resenting you for it. Its really not worth the price you'll pay for doing it.




John
 
#6 ·
prob hide it for hes on a guilt trip.
how can he quit or compromise - if your backing of from sex.
your not asking a huge favour - your just wanting to feel the way your feeling because of what he does.
try and come to a compromise for both of you.
i have this type of issue - but with drink not porn.
im far better than i was, because unfortunately he was pushed to a compromise. our marriage or he had to go.
its also a chance i took for my marriage.
personally take you H to bed.
as for the baby belly, i have a slight one.
but my mind - well i gave birth to 2 wonderful children.
ok monsters at times.
 
#7 ·
I have only recently started using sex(or lack of) against him. We have many other problems and I have not been happy for quite some time. You can read my other post if you want more info, titled Help, Stay or Go. I just figured if I was miserable for things he is doing or not doing to make me happy, then he should pay. I know thats mean, but thats the way I work, and he knows it. I have been open with him about this issue, telling him if I know he looked at it that day, then he won't be getting anything from me that night. Simple, I think.
 
#12 ·
im all with you racemom. my h was looking at porn and i am not ok with it. i stopped wanting sex with him, too. and even though he's stopped looking at it, im still working on wanting it from him. i know some would say that not wanting sex with him just exacerbates the problem, but i stopped trying to control what my H does, and started doing what felt right to me. what he does is his own choice.

you have to do what feels right for you. its not 'cool' these days to not be ok with porn, but if it doesnt feel right for you, then that's what you have to go with.
 
#11 ·
He hides it from you becuse he knows it makes you feel bad, he doesn't want you to feel bad.

You ahve a low self image of yourself, you need to overcome that and be the sexy MILF you are.

keeping him from having sex will push him to other areas including more porn.

Being sexier and more confident will have him eating out of your hand.

He married you because he thinks you are darn sexy. When you lose confidence in yourself you push him away.

trust me on this
 
#14 ·
racemom-

There are men on this forum, and on other forums who admit to preferring jerking and porn to sex with their wives. The fact that your husband expects sex right after puts him in a different camp.

Blanca's husband was one of the other type. Let's not compare apples and oranges...
 
#29 ·
Yea, I don't mind my H looking at porn, except when he prefers to stay up and jerk off instead of come to bed with me. That's when I started having a problem with it.

If your H is just looking and still wants it from you that is a plus.

I would put an end to his negative comments about you though.
 
#15 ·
"He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? "

So, he's telling you that you don't look good , like you used to, and you should do something about it, And he's checking out porn, and playboy, on a regular basis. And he's naive enough to think you will Want to have sex with him? Ummmm I wouldn't either honey. No, you're not being a harda**... he's being insensitive, rude, shallow and sorry, but kind of a jerk.

I am not into porn, and I don't make any flack about it, and I don't need other posters getting all over me calling me a prude, or freak, or insecure, I simply find it grotesque most of the time, so please anyone who is into that, please don't jump all over me.

Now, it's one thing, if a consenting married couple wants to enjoy porn together, and if you and your hubby were both into it, and neither one of you had a problem with it, and you had a strong relationship , then it might not be that big of a problem.

But your husband is busy telling you that you're not hot enough for him anymore, and then going behind your back and getting off to porn , those two things don't usually add up to a wife respecting, loving, and wanting to pleasure her man.... simple as that.

I don't think you're out of line at all Racemom.... I think you need to tell him how much his critisizm of your body, and his porn habits, are crushing your feelings, and likely mutual respect for him. to honest, a man that treats his wife thusly, doesn't deserve her respect.

Porn rarely makes a marriage better. The reason is, because there is usually one person, that does not apprectiate the usage, and sometimes obsession that occurs because of the introduction of that element into a marriage.
I do know that when my hubby and I had our pre-marriage counseling, our priest (we are english catholic (episcopalian) and it's required for us to get married.... we went over the issue of porn, as they always do, and he asked us both how we felt about it. My hubby did admit that he'd looked at it, and I have too... I do not tend to enjoy it, like he did.. unless it's done together, as part of a sexual experience between the two of us. The priest confirmed, that when one party in a marriage engages in that, and the other does not, that it is indeed a form of being unfaithful, especially when it spirals out of control, just as are emotional affairs, physical affairs, and other forms of cheating.

Now, I know not everyone is religious, or even spiritual, so I don't expect everyone to think the same way, or view porn the same way. I do know, that I told my man , way before we got married, that it had no place in our lives, or house. We have a young daughter, and I told him the porn was not to be on our computer, and that if he truly wanted to look at it, that we could do it together, or not at all.... but he knows that it's not the best thing to make a marriage stronger, and that it almost always elicites hurt and resentment on someones part.. and since he doesn't miss it, we dont' bother with it. I know for a fact, that he never views it. And like I said, I told him if he wanted to look at it, that we could have a nice long kinky love session, together, adn that we'd pop in a video, but that him jacking off, on a regular basis, instead of having sex with me,,, was Not going to fly... he agrees.

Porn, whether proponents of it say so or not,,, can be Very damaging, to self esteem, to the deep loving connection between a man and woman, and to the children that might accidentally view it. Having said that, I know some are into it, and some are not, that is Everyone's choice.

But, in your case racemom, you've asked him to stop, you've told him how much damage it is doing, and he continues to disrespect you... this is not just a man refusing to pick up his undies on the floor, this is an issue that involves other Sexual outlets, that he's brought into your marriage without your consent, and without you being on board, and therefore, it's wrong.....
You'll have to really try to talk seriously to him, and let him know what this is doing to your lives. And with other normal marital problems that all of us have, on top of this isssue? Well, it makes for a very difficult go of it, as you're seeing yourself. You should be respected enough for him to know that if it's hurting you that much, he shouldn't be doing it. He is acting like a selfish child. You've told him it's not okay with you, so it needs to stop. period.... Talk to him, take him to a therapist, or minister if need be. Good luck... and don't Ever let anyone make you feel guilty, prude, or not normal because you happen to think porn is damaging and something that you're not into..... you're not alone in that respect. Take care.
 
#31 ·
But, in your case racemom, you've asked him to stop, you've told him how much damage it is doing, and he continues to disrespect you... this is not just a man refusing to pick up his undies on the floor, this is an issue that involves other Sexual outlets, that he's brought into your marriage without your consent, and without you being on board, and therefore, it's wrong.....
You'll have to really try to talk seriously to him, and let him know what this is doing to your lives. And with other normal marital problems that all of us have, on top of this isssue? Well, it makes for a very difficult go of it, as you're seeing yourself. You should be respected enough for him to know that if it's hurting you that much, he shouldn't be doing it. He is acting like a selfish child. You've told him it's not okay with you, so it needs to stop. period.... Talk to him, take him to a therapist, or minister if need be. Good luck... and don't Ever let anyone make you feel guilty, prude, or not normal because you happen to think porn is damaging and something that you're not into..... you're not alone in that respect. Take care.
:iagree: I'm one of you, too... My H views porn and it demaged my feelings, too... I learned that it has nothing to do with me, my body or something like that, it's just his addiction problem... but both have to try to work on it... it's too difficult or better it will take too long to do his on his own...

that's what I found in one of this threads... : check it out:

Free info about porn and sexual addictions.

it might help you a little to understand...

good luck and take care...
 
#22 ·
BUT, if he knows he's not going to get any from me, shouldn't that be enough to not want to look at it? To me, that says he would rather have porn than me!
actually just from my experience, this is a bad way to think about it. i know how you feel, trust me, but its not that simple. there's a lot of feelings going on and its not as simple as this or that, and trying to make it that simple in your head only frustrates you more.

there's a war going on and you're both playing. the only way to end a war is if one person stops trying to win. the way you do that is to start doing things that make you happy, instead of continually going after something that is making you down right miserable.
 
#17 ·
I am not the kinky type, doing pics, role playing, that sort of thing, but I DO like sex, different positions, locations. I would think that any sex is better than no sex. I get nothing out of movies, there is no plot, I think they are a waste of time and money. Once again, I feel as I am being compared to the women in the movie. If he sees a hot looking mama w/big boobs, then wants to have sex with me, is he really having sex w/me or the bimbo he saw on TV? As far as body image, he constantly reminds me that everything I put in my mouth is going to my hips. He has never had on ounce of fat on his body in his life, so he ridicules anyone thats overweight. He just doesn't understand "why people let themselves go like that." I have tried to tell him there's more to it than that, but he just doesn't get it. He has always commented to me, no matter where we are or who is around. Once, he made a comment to me in front of his sister who told him he was an a$$ for saying that to me. He just said, "oh well." He has no concept of what it is like to have a little extra and how hard it is to get rid of it. I do not know if my H is jerking off, I just know that he seems to really love his porn, since he can't seem to quit looking at it. I did catch him doing it one time, right after I had our first baby(C-section) & I was unable to do my "wife-ly duty." So, either he has quit that or I've just never caught him again. We aren't on very good communicating lines right now, we fight every chance we get. I gave him some ideas on how to make me happy, all of which were shot down. He told me if it was that bad that maybe I should just leave. I guess he really doesn't want to work on this relationship.
 
#19 ·
I feel for you. He's degrading you by telling you how you don't look good enough for him. Babies, life, age, all of that affects what women's bodies look like. It is a shallow point of view, his.... but it's sad that a lot of people men and women, think this way.

Sounds like he is totally disrespecting you. He doesn't seem like he is willing to work on the marriage, or the things that upset you. by acting like the things that bother you are not worth discussing, he devalues you, and your marriage. Really the only thing that might make him see what he's doing to hurt you, and that you both probably have things you could improve on, is by seeing a therapist.

At some point, marriages with these kinds of issues, either have to be dealt with, or they face danger of ending. You can either leave him, or continue on like it is now... if he won't seek counseling, you'll have to decide just how much of his emotional abuse you can take.
 
#23 ·
Racemom, let me put it this way, Say you like Chocolate, and your husband says to you, Stop eating Chocolate becuase you are getting fat. Will you stop eating it? or will you sneak some when he is not around?

I agree with Mark, they way you are going all about this is nto going to Solve it.

Let me ask you this...

My wife uses her Vibrator when she watches her Soap opera or another TV show where she is "fond" of a male character.

Would you classify this as "porn" as well? even though they are not having sex, she is stimulated by the men and their good looks on the show and she will use her toy to reach climax thinking of these men.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest, it is nice my wife can use her imagination and get a fantasy from it, it is healthy for the mind.

Not sure why you wouldn't role play, I thought every woman would love to play the naughty french maid for their husband....oh well your loss.

s for the overweight issue...What is the difference between your weight when you got married and now? My wife is about 10-15lbs heavier after 3 children, She works out becuase she wants to keep a toned body somewhat, she has the baby pouch, wich is no big deal to me, but I can assure you if she was 50lbs heavier I would not be as attracted to her, I love her to death, but hey I like skinny women.
 
#25 ·
I am NOT overweight, I weigh 15 pounds more than we were married. I am a size 5, which I believe is average. I don't have time to work out, I wish I did. Being a stay at home mom and wife to a farmer is more than a 9-5 job and I figure chasing kids IS my workout!

As far as role playing, we've never discussed it. I don't know if he would be interested, but if it has to do with sex, I can't imagine he wouldn't like it.
 
#26 ·
racemom,, you're not average, you're below average in terms of your clothing size, and apparently in Awsome shape! the average size woman in the US is a size 14!!!! I wish I was still a size 5. I am currently an 8/10 and I feel not too bad at this size, but my best size for me is 6, having said that I'm also 34, almost 35 and I'm just not made to be skinny, never have been, so I'm happy at this weight.
What it boils down to, is that if the Both of you were okay with porn, then it would be okay. But you're not, and it's something you've repeatedly asked for him to stop. So I'm with you on this one racemom. Comparing porn to other things,, is like apples and oranges. Don't let people make you feel you're somehow denying your man something, or a prude. And don't feel you're denying him something that is essential to life, since we all know, porn is not.

I continually see people on here aggressively stick up for porn, or anything else that is kinky. And make any woman, or person, who says it's not her cup of tea, seem like she is a puritain, a prude and is making her husband miserable by refusing to allow it to be part of their lives.

And don't get me wrong, i don't have a problem with kinky, if Both the hubby and the wife are into it. But when one spouse, flat out Refuses to respect their other half's boundaries. Well, then it's just plain wrong. And conflict arises. The only way you will ever reslove this is if you can make him see that it's hurting your relationship.
Giving in to him, simply because it's what he wants, if it's something that you don't want in your life, and your marriage, is not fair to you. And telling him that porn is not welcome in your home, is not like you're saying he can't eat, sleep and have the basics of life. You're not denying him anything that he can't live without. He just refuses to live without it, he's not respecting your wishes, and it's causing problems. Perhaps you can compromise and play a few dirty games, only ones you are Comfortable with, and then maybe he won't want to watch porn so much? Make love in the shower, or on the table, or on the couch, or in your car... or outside in your backyard , unless there's too much chance you'll be seen. The erotic , pleasureful wonderful sex, doesn't have to include porn, and watching other people on a video. You could do things that both of you are comfortable with, and still have a sexy marriage. If you are not comfortable doing that stuff either, then you shouldn't. It's all what you can handle. And hubby, will just have to learn that he can't push you, and can't tell you that you don't look good enough for him, watch porn later that night, adn then expect you to be all "in the mood" to have sex with him.
Just keep talking to him. Try to work on it, and compromise anyway that you can , without compromising your principles.
 
#34 ·
I do not know if he is masturbating or not. It is just the fact that he married me and I don't think he should be watching other women in sexual ways. I don't think he would make the comments about my body if he didn't have them to compare me to. It is just degrading and unappealling to me.
 
#33 ·
1. This PORN is something you hate, but you married a man that LOVES it. You knew that it was going to be a problem, but you sacrificed your standards and chose to put up with it.
2.He's telling you that you need to work out and look like you did when you were 18. Does HE look like he did when he was 18? I'm sure he doesn't. Why doesn't he go do something about THAT?
Don't feel insecure about your body, Life Happens. You HAD KIDS! Got a bit older and have a little pouch. You didn't binge on fatty food and gain 500lbs. He needs to face reality, but the problem is he doesn't seem to like reality. He likes the fake PORN girls.
3. You kinda had this coming since you decided to drop your NO PORN standard and get with this guy, but it doesn't mean that it's right for him to continue to be so selfish and act like you are the one that has something wrong with them. If he wasn't willing to change his PORN viewing habits when you two were dating then he will never do it now.
 
#35 ·
1. This PORN is something you hate, but you married a man that LOVES it. You knew that it was going to be a problem, but you sacrificed your standards and chose to put up with it.
I did NOT know when we got married that porn was a problem. I never saw that side of him, never found any magazines laying around, until AFTER we were married. It was about 8 months after we got married when I found the first of the magazines. So I feel that I got cheated a little bit, not knowing this about him. As far as looks go, he wears the same size of clothes that he did in high school. He looks pretty well the same, has never had to worry a day in his life about weight, he has a very high metabolism as he eats all day long and never gains a pound. So, I guess if he is unwilling to change, either I have to accept it and live with it or move on.
 
#36 ·
You definitely do not deserve to feel bad about your body. My husband looks at porn and I never try to stop him. It may be damaging to our sex life, I am not sure. I think porn just adds a little fantasy to a man's imagination. Maybe you can get some erotic videos to view together that can spice up your sex life. I am sorry I don't have any better advice.
 
This post has been deleted
#37 ·
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, someone else who understands! Its not that I don't like sex, my life just does not revolve around it, 24-7. I don't need to see other people enjoying sex. I don't want to see other people having sex. It is something intimate, a special time to be shared by 2 people, completely in love, IMO. I don't want other people having sex rubbed in face all the time. It is unappealling to me. I don't have a problem with watching a romantic love scene in a normal movie, but I have no desire to sit & watch porn flicks with H.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top