"He often points out that I don't look like I did when I was 18 and why don't I do something about it? "
So, he's telling you that you don't look good , like you used to, and you should do something about it, And he's checking out porn, and playboy, on a regular basis. And he's naive enough to think you will Want to have sex with him? Ummmm I wouldn't either honey. No, you're not being a harda**... he's being insensitive, rude, shallow and sorry, but kind of a jerk.
I am not into porn, and I don't make any flack about it, and I don't need other posters getting all over me calling me a prude, or freak, or insecure, I simply find it grotesque most of the time, so please anyone who is into that, please don't jump all over me.
Now, it's one thing, if a consenting married couple wants to enjoy porn together, and if you and your hubby were both into it, and neither one of you had a problem with it, and you had a strong relationship , then it might not be that big of a problem.
But your husband is busy telling you that you're not hot enough for him anymore, and then going behind your back and getting off to porn , those two things don't usually add up to a wife respecting, loving, and wanting to pleasure her man.... simple as that.
I don't think you're out of line at all Racemom.... I think you need to tell him how much his critisizm of your body, and his porn habits, are crushing your feelings, and likely mutual respect for him. to honest, a man that treats his wife thusly, doesn't deserve her respect.
Porn rarely makes a marriage better. The reason is, because there is usually one person, that does not apprectiate the usage, and sometimes obsession that occurs because of the introduction of that element into a marriage.
I do know that when my hubby and I had our pre-marriage counseling, our priest (we are english catholic (episcopalian) and it's required for us to get married.... we went over the issue of porn, as they always do, and he asked us both how we felt about it. My hubby did admit that he'd looked at it, and I have too... I do not tend to enjoy it, like he did.. unless it's done together, as part of a sexual experience between the two of us. The priest confirmed, that when one party in a marriage engages in that, and the other does not, that it is indeed a form of being unfaithful, especially when it spirals out of control, just as are emotional affairs, physical affairs, and other forms of cheating.
Now, I know not everyone is religious, or even spiritual, so I don't expect everyone to think the same way, or view porn the same way. I do know, that I told my man , way before we got married, that it had no place in our lives, or house. We have a young daughter, and I told him the porn was not to be on our computer, and that if he truly wanted to look at it, that we could do it together, or not at all.... but he knows that it's not the best thing to make a marriage stronger, and that it almost always elicites hurt and resentment on someones part.. and since he doesn't miss it, we dont' bother with it. I know for a fact, that he never views it. And like I said, I told him if he wanted to look at it, that we could have a nice long kinky love session, together, adn that we'd pop in a video, but that him jacking off, on a regular basis, instead of having sex with me,,, was Not going to fly... he agrees.
Porn, whether proponents of it say so or not,,, can be Very damaging, to self esteem, to the deep loving connection between a man and woman, and to the children that might accidentally view it. Having said that, I know some are into it, and some are not, that is Everyone's choice.
But, in your case racemom, you've asked him to stop, you've told him how much damage it is doing, and he continues to disrespect you... this is not just a man refusing to pick up his undies on the floor, this is an issue that involves other Sexual outlets, that he's brought into your marriage without your consent, and without you being on board, and therefore, it's wrong.....
You'll have to really try to talk seriously to him, and let him know what this is doing to your lives. And with other normal marital problems that all of us have, on top of this isssue? Well, it makes for a very difficult go of it, as you're seeing yourself. You should be respected enough for him to know that if it's hurting you that much, he shouldn't be doing it. He is acting like a selfish child. You've told him it's not okay with you, so it needs to stop. period.... Talk to him, take him to a therapist, or minister if need be. Good luck... and don't Ever let anyone make you feel guilty, prude, or not normal because you happen to think porn is damaging and something that you're not into..... you're not alone in that respect. Take care.