alphabet soup

My husband has forced me to be a stay at home mom because he refuses to watch my son or have any other responsibility other than his job. I am really a beautiful woman, inside and out. I am a girl any guy would be lucky to have in their life and i know it. I am very smart. I moved over 600 miles away from my family so that my husband would finally get a job. I put off my last two years of my nursing degree to take care of our 1 year old so that he doesn't have to be raised by strangers. I turned 21 today and my husband is 22. We have been together for 3 years. My husband hates his life no matter what he has because everything isn't just given to him. I take care of all of the bills, all of the house hold chores, and don't ask him to do anything other than work, be a good dad, and a good husband. the only stress he has on his plate is work and he is a technician who works on robots all day...so tell me how stressful can that be? Any time he has a bad day, instead of coming home he texts me and tells me he is going to his friends house to smoke pot. I despise pot, i hate drugs and alcohol because all they do is ruin weak minded peoples lives. My husband forms an addiction to everything. He refuses to help me make decisions, I will ask him if something expensive breaks and needs to be replaced what direction he would like to take and he just gets pissed and says something along the line of "**** you." Then try's his best to leave and go smoke pot.This is very frustrating and for a person like me, very demeaning. I have a tough outside, but carry a heart bigger than most people i know. I already feel like a leach in life because i am living off of him even though i know he is the reason i am a stay at home mom.
before we moved here i went to college worked two jobs and took care of my son while he sat on his ass all day getting drunk, stealing what little money i made, and complaining about everyone that is wrong in his life. He is an idiot...a childish idiot, but when he dose try and is himself, he is my soul mate, the best husband and father a wife could ask for. His I.Q. is borderline genius but I just don't understand his childish ways of going about life. I come from old money, I hold my life to a certain standard that i was taught at a young age. I do not sulk on life's unfairness, i make it fair. I live my life by the motto "life is what you make it." My husband is verbally abusive and sometimes physically. I am no saint either but I am to him. I deserve to be respected even though i am bringing in no income. I deserve respect for who I am as a person. I need to finish school soon I need to get my pride and respect back. I don't know weather i should stay here and try with the chance of him making me fail again or go home take my son away from his daddy and let my mom watch him while i finish school. What should I do? It is also my birthday today and at 9:50pm he has yet to even utter a happy birthday to me. I don't want to fail at my marriage and i don't want to give up. Any opinion? what should i do?

trey69

First off, your husband didn't force you. Did he put a gun to your head and threaten you? You chose to stay home because he asked you to, not forced.

After reading the rest of your post, my question to you is this. If your husband smokes pot, doesn't care about you or your sons feelings , can be verbally abusive and sometimes physically, acts childish, hates life, etc etc, WHY are you with him? What is your pay off for staying with him?

You give all these examples of how he treats you, but then turn around and say he is your soul mate, the best husband and father a wife could ask for. I'm sorry but no he isn't. I think you are living in delusion land. I don't see much of anything in your post that describes him as a wonderful father and husband.

So, regardless of what he is doing or not doing, you have to ask yourself why do you remain there? If you love him, why? If you stay for the child, why? You are afraid divorce will hurt him? My guess is divorce will not hurt him anymore than you continuing to live with someone who doesn't care about you. The older your son gets the harder it will be. You are teaching your son by staying, this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. is this what you want for your life? Just my 2 cents.

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CallaLily

My suggestion to you is, move back home with your family, so they can watch your child while you finish up your school.

That way you can go out here and get a decent job and provide for you and your son. You will not likely find a stable home life living with an abusive pot head. Thats great that he provides for you and puts a roof over your head, but at what cost? To make you feel worthless while he sits around smokes pot and disrespects you?

Good luck!

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Cherry

Your H sounds like he's got more problems than just pot. It sounds like he wants a 24/7 nanny and that's pretty much it. You are allowing your H to treat you like he is and it's not a healthy marriage, from what you describe. You two are also very young and have A LOT of life to live!

Here's what I would do if I were you.... Go back to school. You are blaming your H for your choices, that's not right. Stop thinking about your H or his feelings, because he's clearly not thinking about you as a wife to him, or your feelings.

You mention he's a good father and your soul mate. How? How is someone who works all day and chooses to go smoke pot with his buddies over coming home to his wife and son a good father or soul mate? What are the positives in your marriage? A good father is one who will put the mother of his children and his children above dope AND spending time with friends. A good father and husband will not abuse his wife in any way, a good father will be more than a bank to his wife. I hope you can see that what he is doing is not good for you or your son.

You mention you despise pot, was he smoking it when you met and married him? Did you not know he was smoking it? By the way, there are people who can smoke it responsibly, your H doesn't appear to be one of those people.

Good luck and take charge now.

Jamison

Weigh your options.... See if the good qualities of you remaining in this marriage out weight the bad qualities.

I agree about you you finishing up your school.... This is something you need to do for you! Try to do it now if you can, it wont get easier the older you get.... Not saying it can't be done, but its probably best to get that out of the way now. One less thing to worry about.

I understand you don't want to give up or be a failure.... BUT ask yourself this question....what are you failing at exactly? Because your marriage didn't stay intact? Would you rather stay in a not so good marriage and say hey I stayed married and didn't fail at that... or would you rather get out of something thats just not healthy for you and your son and try to make a better life for you both?

Don't look at it as failing or giving up...look at it as making things for you and your son better!

apoc

To the OP, your thread merits a question from the very bottom of my heart.

AH WHAT DAFUQ.

"I already feel like a leach in life because i am living off of him even though i know he is the reason i am a stay at home mom. "

Well then I call bull****, especially with how much it sounds you've done already just to try and make your man happy and to let him work as a robo technician.

I'm 20 and my parents divorced for similar reasons when I was 7. My mother is a very intelligent and gifted nurse that finished her bachelor's during the first few years of my life. My dad got shot up by the Cong when he served in the USMC, got strung out on alcohol and the prescribed painkillers but then did coke on the side and took everything my mom earned for drugs. I only recently learned the truth about his suicide and honestly have to do my best to put a respectful spin on it and say that he was a great Marine and a terrible parent/husband/for the most part human being.

I also smoked my fair share of pot (quit) and drink and you said it, ruins the weak minded. But honestly, what you're doing, 3 years or not, that's no way to live, I mean no offense but for him to be such a little b!tch about things.

If I have a bad day at work, I roll up the windows of my car and scream obscenities to let my anger out. If I have a bad day at work, I read a funny article or play a game. If I have a bad day at work, I print out somebody's facebook picture and draw d!cks everywhere or go for a walk. But Jesus Christ riding a dragon into Mordor help me if I have a bad day at work AND a beautiful wife taking care of my kid (well hell, in your case, taking care of EVERYTHING) and I have to be a slimy little sh!tstain and sneak out and smoke pot even though my wife's against it. If he honestly had blood pressure problems or chest pains, I'd say don't be against (I've sustained some nasty injuries and it helped without warping the lining of my stomach like synthetic meds) but he sounds 22 and perfectly healthy.

I have a friend whose 19 and married and in a relationship like yours. Cheating has gone on and let's just say I was some of the only calm to things until I found out I was used for precisely that and money...

Seriously, get your kid and move elsewhere. You sound like a bright and beautiful young woman that could raise a kid as well as finish school. That's easy for me to type without a kid but I honestly see plenty of gals around here do it, even though I live in the single lowest rated educational district in my state.

But in all honesty, I have a lot of respect for my mom because, although the ages were different, she was in a similar spot and divorced the hell out of my dad, kept the house and raised me and my sister. Any husband's quality of character, how he treats you and what he does, shows what you're working with. Raise your kid around someone like yourself that actually has a life and a sense of accountability.

Believe me, they'll thank you for it later. : )

mamap1

wow this sounds just like my life. I am in a state of depression because of this crap.. i am around the same age as you been married 2 years.. with a 2 year old and pregnant and the whole time reading this all i pictured was my husband.. well i hope you find whatever it is to make your life better.. me I see myself being stuck forever.. i don't have the balls to leave lol no friends and my family lives miles and states away.

EleGirl

You knew that he was an alcoholic, pot head, thief and so forth to start with. Yet you chose to be with him. This is who he is. He is not the guy who is your occasional ‘soul mate’.

The only person you can change is yourself. If he is not willing to change he won’t.

He is not holding you back from finishing your degree. You are. He cannot order you around and tell you what to do. So you can go get your degree any time you want to. If you are from ‘old money’ then you have the financial means to do whatever you want.

My daughter is 22. If she was in your situation my advice to her would be for her to leave this guy and take care of herself and her children.


Also...

Wow.. this is a very disrespectful judgment on your part. It’s a very responsible job. Robots are expensive pieces of equipment. A full day of work is stressful.. working on expensive and delicate robotic equipment can be very stressful.

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marriedglad

The sad part about addictions is that even if you want to help someone, you can only do so within limits. Overcoming addictions is a totally personal decision. No matter how much a person hears about the ill-effects of a particular obsession, he/she will only give it up when they find it convenient.

You can only try to get them think reasonably, and show them where their life is headed as a result of being on the unburnt end of pot.

Let your child stay with your mom till you finish school, and give your husband an ultimatum. Tell him that his behavior is unacceptable, and you want to help him, not walk out. Especially when you guys are so young, and you have your entire lives in front of you. He shouldn't be wasting himself being so smart on drugs. Motivate him and show him that he's better than that.

Go away for a few days as well and just see what effect your absence has on him.

moxy

He's a selfish idiot. Take your kid and move in with your parents. Get a job and arrange part time care for your son. Your absence will make him realize that he's an idiot and either he will try to work it out or you will be rid of the guy who is treating you like crap. Leaving him might be the wake-up call he needs. You can always tell him that you'll reconsider if he agrees to marriage counseling.

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