Week 2 of separation, hanging on to recovery for dear life!

Awakening2012 · 04-19-2012, 06:43 PM

It has been a rough couple of weeks, I am now 3+ months sober, and my husband moved out about 2 weeks ago, to take some space and figure out if he can come to terms with his anger and fear from my 2-year relapse after having long term recovery. I am trying to work the 180, focus on my recovery, and keep myself busy and stay positive. But he has so far made, and then cancelled or asked for a "rain check" on three occasions -- so I have only spoken to him over the phone and tried to keep it light, not push him in any way to get together, just leave it on his terms. It hurts and feels manipulative to keep offering to get together, then cancelling or post-poning. But it is early days, and I have to remind myself that my discomfort with him putting this distance between us and calling the shots, is only a fraction of the torment it must have been for him while I was captive to my disease, to my great shame and remore putting my drinking ahead of him and our mariage because of the compulsion. I am going to keep practicing patience, and compassion and lettig go of outcomes -- building my emotional independence as you all have wisely advised. But there are moments when I miss him so much, and the love and closeness we shared, that my heart keeps breaking all over again. This pain does get better with time, right? So that it stings less each time you think of the loss of that person, and not knowing if they will ever come back and try to give us a chance for a new beginning? Thanks for a place to vent and come for solace and shared experience.

Lovingly, A12

Liz_iz_Liz · 04-20-2012, 10:49 PM

Hey A12 - I've been sober almost 4 months and separated for 5 weeks. Not the same situation we have much different reasons to be separated - and he's an addict too. But one thing I've found is it's really hard to adjust to anything when it's up in the air. I find myself wanting to dream about the future but I don't know what it looks like any more. I don't know if you're religious or not but I know what I need to do anyway is just try to take it one day at a time and for me focusing on having trust in God helps. I start thinking about next week, next month, what if .. my mind starts to go crazy. I can only think about today - doing what's right today - and getting through whatever life throws my way. I wish you the best of luck it's so hard to be separated from someone that you love and reading your post just made me want to cry because right now I know exactly what it feels like to have your heart feel like it's breaking over and over and over again.

With peace, Liz

Awakening2012 · 04-21-2012, 07:37 AM

Hi Liz - Thanks so much for your kind reply, and congrats on 4+ months of sobriety -- that is fantastic! You are dead right, I have no choice but to trust God to sort this situation out, and quit living in heart brerak and fear of being in limbo. I will drive myself crazy if I dwell on the past and keep beating myself up over the relapse, or if I worry about what the future will hold. All we have is the present moment and making the best of each day, come what may -- thanks for reminding me of this :-)

Wishing you the best of luck as well! Hugs, - A12 :-)

TBT · 05-03-2012, 02:44 AM

A12-How are you doing? Things getting any better for you?

Awakening2012 · 05-03-2012, 04:58 AM

Hi TBT - Thanks for asking! I am doing better with acceptance of my situation and keeping my heart open to what may come. I am very thankful to have a lot of good support around me, and am working hard to forgive myself, release my deep remorse and build a new, happy, healthy life, come what may. I have to respect his process, and let him work out what he thinks is best for him. Too soon to say which way this will go, but he has not slammed the door shut completely, so I will choose to stay positive and grateful for my blessings, and appreciate the contact I do have with my husband -- yesterday he invited me to Saturday's playoff hockey game, so I am thrilled about that! Again, thanks for your kind inquiry. Hope all is well with you, too.

Cheers, - A12

TBT · 05-05-2012, 01:57 AM

A12-Happy to hear you're doing better

and it's so evident when seeing your thoughts in this last post in comparison to your first in the other thread.You're not catastrophizing and are hopeful and not despairing,which are nothing but positives.The fact that you work hard in the program and on your own self-examination speaks volumes about your willingness,a very key ingredient in real recovery.You could have very easily slipped again when faced with your H leaving,but you didn't.Instead,you gathered your strength,realized the things you couldn't control and walked the walk in your sobriety.It has always amazed me in my own life,when I "let go and let God" and give up that need for control,how much easier and more in control my life becomes.Gaining control by giving up control,who would of thought?!

I'm hoping and praying for the best for you and that at some point you get to meet your husband on a good and solid middle-ground where you may be able to address the past,present and future issues of your marriage in a caring and positive way.

Even though we may only take it one day at a time,the good decisions we make today greatly influence the quality of our tomorrows and from my perspective you seem to be making good choices.So keep it up and post from time to time if you can because even though we're anonymous on these boards,we know one another through our struggles.

Finally,I want to say...You lucky dog!!!You get to go to the Rangers/Caps game!!! So envious

Being Canadian,I was practically weaned on hockey.lol Anyway,enjoy the game and more importantly the time with your husband.Go Caps Go!

Awakening2012 · 05-05-2012, 10:03 AM

Hi TBT -

Thanks so much for your kind follow up, and encouraging words -- it means a lot to me! I do feel my program kicking in and a higher power helping me to keep calm and carry on. Very excited to be going to the Caps-Rangers game shortly -- hoping the Caps can win this one and tie up the series! I'm looking forward to seeing my husband, but asking my higher power to be with me and guide me, because it stirs up lots of feelings and longings when I see him and spend time with him. I am getting to plenty of meetings, talking with my sponsor and other friends in recovery every day, doing my step work, and going to CrossFit workouts -- another dose of humilty, right there, LOL! Thanks again for your support and wise words. Keeping the faith, a day at a time, - A12

dvejones · 05-08-2012, 04:05 PM

Hey there you guys...Congrats on your sobriety. I have a bit over a year sober now and it feels great. I went to treatment and my wife sent me a letter about us getting divorce when I was away. I thought I was going to die a million deaths when I read that. I got out and moved back to our area but was not invited to move home. We have been separated for one year and are in the final stages of a divorce, paperwork will be coming soon. Her idea and not mine. We have two wonderful children and we still spend quite a bit of time together as a family. the beginning was a nightmare. I would watch her and her body language for clues that she still wanted to spend time with me, call her and live and die again if she did not answer. I remained strong on the outside for the children but still had many days of trouble. By working a strong program I have stayed sober while living through a living hell..I know life does get better if you let it. I still have sadness but have come to realize that many things in life are outside of my power. Changing my wifes feelings for me is one of them. I remain unwavering in my love for the kids and now for myself. Life gets better everyone if you let it and dont try too hard. Things have gotten better for me and will continue to do so...I hope you all have hope and the days are getting better.

TBT · 05-08-2012, 05:06 PM

Hi dve,

Thanks for sharing and I'm glad you're feeling good in your sobriety.Unfortunately,for all of us,our sobriety is often tested by the loss of meaningful relationships,but you seem to be holding the course well and I hope you continue to do so.As they say,being sober allows us to handle life on life's terms so much better,and as you know life can be a real challenge some days!

It's good you have a great relationship with your kids and I'm sure it will only get that much better as you continue to grow in this new path you've set for yourself.The hell you experience from the loss of your marriage will get easier with the passing of time,though I know that's really no consolation when your heart is breaking.I don't know your whole situation,but maybe if you stay friends with your ex she'll see the positive changes in you and that will matter to her.Then again,as I really don't know,maybe you've already decided to move on in your life.

Whatever happens,stay strong,love your kids and yourself and post once in awhile if the spirit moves you.Take care.

Awakening2012 · 05-08-2012, 05:54 PM

Hi dve - Wow, congrats on your sobriety, and thanks so much for sharing your story and your encouragement! It is so re-assuring to hear from others who have had to face painful consequences and remain sober. Lord knows, it is not easy, but we have to accept our consequences as grown ups, and not indulge in self-pity. It helps to keep remembering my gratitude list :-) I have been back in recovery for 4 months now, and today is one month since my husband moved out. I am doing all the right things, but it still feels like an emotional rollercoaster, and I can relate to being hyper-attuned to any sign from my husband whehter there is hope for us or not. I started to realize that being in limbo like this -- with him having all the control over the fate of our marriage, and whether there is even going to be an "us" anymore -- is kind of a metaphor at any rate for life in general. Because as you said, the fact is, so many things are outside of our control. I have to have faith that however it works out, I am going to be OK -- I am going to learn my lessons, work hard to forgive myself and release my deep remorse for the damage I did to the man and the marriage I loved, and carry on building a happier, healthier life. We do not have children, so that simplifies our siutation in some respects, but being a great Dad to your kids is the best amends you can make to them and will win your wife's respect.

Thanks again for posting, and do check in if you feel moved to do so.

Thanks, also TBT -- always good to hear from you!

Cheers, - A12

dvejones · 05-10-2012, 10:56 AM

Good morning all....
It is wonderful to read these posts. For me I have felt so alone so many times and do have a hard time sharing. My relationship with my soon to be ex is still getting better but is not the relationship that I have wanted...we are friends and I am thankful for that. Part of my new life is being grateful for what is and not focusing on what is not. That is my old life. I work hard by taking it easy. My ex is now dating other men and as much as it hurts, I roll with it. I had years of indifference and being too busy getting high to be a friend or husband. I now have the chance to be a friend. I am also a part of my childrens life and we still spend quite a bit of time together as a family, just not as husband and wife. Keep on in your Program, life will continue to get better as will you. Your mind will start to settle down and you will be more comfortable with yourself. Take it easy on yourself and know that the past is just that, the past. You are here in the present and sober. Congratulations to all who are in Recovery. Life will give you rewards if you let go of the reins and have a kind heart and patience. I am still often sad but it does not overwhelm anymore but I am thankful to have the chance to feel emotions. I also have plenty of wonderful emotions. You will too if you continue to work on yourself.
Smile today because you are sober