Excuse for cheating?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Addiction » Excuse for cheating?

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 04-22-2012, 07:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Excuse for cheating?

My H and I have started counseling. Was going to be MC, but after first visit, therapist wanted to see us separate a few times. Now he said the MC wouldn't be for a while.

He says I have PTSD, clinical depression, abandonment issues and anger issues ( I hold it all in, afraid if I show anger, that person will leave me)... and I'm codependent.He is wanting to do EMDR therapy and having me work with the 12 steps of adult children of alcoholics.

My H is the one who cheated, yet so far the only thing he says is wrong with him is brain chemicals... says he has adult ADD . Is this supposed to be the "reason" he cheated? That he cannot control himself? He has not even started on any medication for it or in any way tried to treat it.
And now H thinks because he has went to 2 sessions that we are supposed to be "back together" while we work on our issues. This just confuses me more. I am not sure I can believe that ADD would give "reason" for his EA's, and that he doesn't have to take "self" responsibility for them?
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

I have bipolar disorder

I have done many regretful things due to the disorder (I never cheated btw)

I accept responsibility for each and every one of those things, my disorder is not an excuse

The reason?

Despite having a chemical imbalance I still know the difference between right and wrong

A person with ADHD knows the difference between right and wrong
A person in a manic state knows the difference between right and wrong (well rare cases may be exceptions)
A person drunk as can be still knows the difference between right and wrong

A person with schizophrenia may not know the difference between right and wrong- so if your husband has that then I would accept that as an excuse
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

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I am not sure I can believe that ADD would give "reason" for his EA's, and that he doesn't have to take "self" responsibility for them?
of course thats not the reason.
and yes, he does need to take responsibility for his actions.
dont let him use that as an excuse for before, nor for any future of the same, that its not his fault and he cant control it.
if he cant control it, he doesnt need to be married.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

Thank you, I wasn't accepting to that idea either.

His "homework" for the therapist is to write a list of things he has done/said to me that he knows has hurt me/my feelings. He says this is hard because recognizing them and putting them on paper shows that he was "aware" that it would hurt me, yet he would say/do them anyway.
That includes the fact that over our 9 year marriage, he would "make fun" of my sexual past, being permiscuous because of my sexual abuse as a child... I can't believe that he couldn't of sympathized with that and not realize how much his words hurt.
When he would grab at me sexually and I would cringe and withdraw,, HE would take it personally and say that I was making " him" pay for my past.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

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Thank you, I wasn't accepting to that idea either.

His "homework" for the therapist is to write a list of things he has done/said to me that he knows has hurt me/my feelings. He says this is hard because recognizing them and putting them on paper shows that he was "aware" that it would hurt me, yet he would say/do them anyway.
That includes the fact that over our 9 year marriage, he would "make fun" of my sexual past, being permiscuous because of my sexual abuse as a child... I can't believe that he couldn't of sympathized with that and not realize how much his words hurt.
When he would grab at me sexually and I would cringe and withdraw,, HE would take it personally and say that I was making " him" pay for my past.
thats sad he couldnt feel for you rather than get his jollies, whatever they may be, at your expense.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Of course he says that he understands now ( yeah, that "his" cheating is exposed) and that it will never happen again.

It just confuses me,, I don't know if him now "understanding" his verbal abuse towards me is to try to help me or himself?
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

Is it possible your husband is an selfish jerk? Because the things he's done are very selfish and hurtful.

Next time he pulls out the it's not my fault, it's bad brain chemicals you should ask if he should be committed then? Thats what we do with people who are unable to be responsible for their own choices and actions. We take making choices and having freedom away because they are unable to manage it.
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

Anyone who cheats and is not willing to accept that it is 100% their own fault does not deserve to keep their spouse.

My husband is a sex addict, and he accepts 100% responsibility for what he did. ADD is NOT an excuse.

If your MC seems to be saying it is, get another MC.

Your focus right now should be to work on YOU.
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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We aren't doing MC right now, only IC for us both. We are still separated.

Guess I'm still getting trickle truth even after 8 months. He told me the other day that "It felt good to be talking to these women and hear them tell him that "I" should feel lucky to have "HIM"..... WTH!!! Guess he was telling them some stories of him being Superman or something.... He says it felt good hearing it from them since he wasn't hearing it from home????
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

Is this a medical diagnosis? Or is it a therapist telling you all of this. What about your husband? Has he been medically diagnosed?

I don't know...I wouldn't trust the word of a therapist, aren't there specific tests for these disorders that are only done by docs? Forgive if this is not the case; never personally dealt with this kind of diagnosis.
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It's just from his therapist... I am wondering that as soon as the therapist threw this out, my H grabbed it up real quick.. he has never been medically diagnosed. But he won't be able to start any medication for it until he goes to our family doctor to make sure.
He is an OTR truck driver, and he takes like 12 pills a day already, so will have to see what doc says...so it doesn't interfere with his job. I am hoping he doesn't agree with the therapist... that will throw H for a tail spin on what to figure out next.
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

Brain chemicals don't make you cheat.
Decisions make you cheat.

We all have decisions to make. And no offense but the fact that he tries to tie cheating to "imbalanced brain chemicals" is weaker than my brother in law being a big p^ss cake over getting some stitches taken out of his upper lip after getting drunk on his motorcycle even though he's spent his entire life getting off on the suffering of small animals and his children (my 3 year old niece and nephew).

And what's ****ed up is a lot of those guys are what I call social snakes. Get close enough and you notice they're not pleasant to handle at all but since they slither they stay under detection from a lot of people, and to say the least that pisses me off, especially when it manifests as someone getting into a relationship and tampering with somebody else's psyche.

I'm sorry you were sexually abused friend, and that's ****ed up he tried to make fun of you about that to drag you down. I've met a few gals that were molested or sexually abused and I straight don't talk about it except for helping talk a couple of them through it to help ease suffering. Any guy that tries something that low only shows sh!thead character.
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Old 04-26-2012, 09:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

H had IC last week, and mine was today. Therapist admitted that my H is in deed, most likely a narcissist. We are having one couples counseling session next week (which I have a feeling is not going to be very pretty at all), then no more after that.... only one on one with us....

He told me and I agreed that we should not work on the relationship AT ALL... he wants to work on getting me emotionally stable... said I am in no position to even "think" about the marriage...

I feel he is trying to get me emotionally stronger to be able to handle "the end" of the marriage...
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Old 04-26-2012, 09:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Excuse for cheating?

Not a reason. He still can make choices. He's not a moron...he just can't focus.

The only excuse I'd accept for cheating was if my husband said, "I was held at gunpoint and drugged and forced to cheat." Ok. Prove it before I believe it
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Old 04-26-2012, 09:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I was just diagnosed with adult ADHD and I've never cheated on anyone. Whet a crock of s***! He's shifting the blame to use ADD which is a downright stupid excuse if you ask me.
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