Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I have been in an exclusive relationship for 3 1/2 years. We have lived together the last two years. I have four children by a previous relationship in which he has embraced and treats as if they are his own. Problem is, he has a cocaine addiction that we just can't seem to overcome. I didn't know the severity of the addiction or that it was even an issue when I let this man move into my home with my children. Fortunately, he has never gotten high with or around the kids and the majority of the times I didn't know what was going on. In our many discussions, it was revealed that in his past relationship the drug usage was caused by a disgruntled relationship in where his former mate would go clubbing every weekend and he would use during these times just to spite her. He said that he would go years clean and then start the addiction over again. It doesn't help that all his family members have some type of addiction so he is predisposed to the addiction from the gate. Through the last 2 years we have been through ups and downs all relating to his drug usage. From my personal property being pawned, to money being taken out of my purse, to checks being taken out of my checkbook and being cashed, from him using my credit cards to trade for product....you name it we have been through it. I love this man with all my heart and we are very much in love with each other however he will pledge to stay clean and slowly the signs start coming back and things will blow up all over again. Trust has been thrown out of the window and i don't know how to allow him to regain the trust needed for our relationship to survive as his actions cause me to believe he is using due to the past. We have tried counseling, I have tried tough love, I have tried letting him hit rock bottom with not a dollar to his name but nothing seems to work. The relationship is suffering tremendously and I hate to walk out on the man who I truly view as my soulmate and life partner but I don't know how to fix the trust issue and questioning his every move. I know things will never change over night but is there any hope that a couple can overcome all the negativity in the relationship due to an addiction? I know you are supposed to forgive and forget but my instinct tells me I can't do that. My heart tells me one thing but my mind knows I am so much smarter than that. I can see the signs of him getting ready to relapse before they are even apparent to him. I question his every move, whereabouts, who he's talking to/texting, I can't leave him with more than $10 at any given time, I've removed all credit cards and potential sources of income from the house and are under lock and key. It's like it's programmed inside me and I don't know how to change that or if there is even hope that this learned reaction will ever diminish. The hurt and damage seems to be done and him and I both know that there is no way to turn back the hands of time. Is there anyway to salvage a love in which we seem to be fighting a losing battle? I need help.....
I watched my sister go through this with her H. They were together six years and married one. Her husband struggled. He was clean when they met, blamed the use on his exe wife, and blamed his starting again on my sister. And she hung on. She did the same things you are doing. she was constantly obsessed with where he was, what he was doing, etc. Her life became about him. Even after he left her three years ago, its still about him. she's constantly wondering where he is, who he's with. She just cant let go. Its just not healthy. I dont know how your health is but it cant be very good in a situation like that.
There's a group called alanon that can help you with this sort of thing. They have free meetings and they can teach you to start living for you again.
Addictive personalities have a need to find something to make them feel good. For me, sex and meditation provide enough high for me to not crave anything else, although I have to be strict about not letting our ground coffee use go over 2 strong cups per day
I am a pot smoker myself and my Wife is completely against it, so I would hope that my Wife would stay with me even though I use a substance that she doesn't agree with, but taking your money, writing checks and giving you credit card to some drug dealer for coke, is too much.
I say as long as your children are not in danger and you do love the guy, it's all good, but I think that you're already leaning in a direction, right.
Love and Addiction
