05-19-2012, 05:17 PM
Join Date: May 2012
| | Re: Maybe its just me.
36broken... there is always an excuse for poor behavior but at the end of the day that's all it is... an excuse. You are so beautiful!!! And you seem to be very sweet and easy to please. It is certainly not too much to expect that your husband doesn't yell at you or degrade you. My guess is that if anyone ever spoke to you the way HE does that he would kill them so why does he think its OK for HIM to do it?
All that said, there is something called a cycle of abuse. Picture a circle drawn on a piece of paper. At the very top of that circle is the marriage/honeymoon stage where everything is love and flowers and blue skies! As you turn to the right those days slowly fade and abuse sets in.... at this point you question your relationship and wonder if you want to stay in it. The next phase is a blow up. Something terrible happens AGAIN and at this point you realize that you should end the relationship. That is usually when the abusive or mean, whatever you want to call it, partner realizes that they have lost control and they could lose you. That's the remorseful stage. They are sorry. It will never happen again. They are just upset about (insert one of a million bull**** excuses here) and they love you. They start to show you how much they love you. They are super sweet, all attentive, most likely more affectionate and careful with their words. Then, WE, the poor people that have to live with this forget the bad stuff and fall back in love. We SO MUCH want them to be the person we dreamed of spending our life with that when we see an ounce of change we are hopeful that it will all be good now. But, a circle always comes FULL circle and so the cycle continues. You will again at some point be back at that part of the circle where something terrible has happened again and you know you should have left the last time. It's a vicious cycle.
I think that your mother obviously loves you and is well intentioned when she tells you that you are young and you will get over it BUT I personally think that is absolutely horrific advice. While she is your mother, she is also just a human being and you really have to look at the source the advice is coming from. In this situation, the advice is coming from someone who allows herself to be abused. You would never go to a battered woman and ask her what to do about your abusive marriage, would you? We as people expect that our parents will tell us what to do and that they know what's best BECAUSE they are our parents... but again, they are just people too.
Your friends shouldn't be telling you that they are sick and tired of listening to you cry but I am sure that they feel like their hands are tied and wish to God they could shake you and have you suddenly file for divorce and forget about him. Well, thats very nice on paper but it's not that easy, is it? Its always easier to see things from the outside looking in. They haven't invested themselves emotionally to this man the way that you have. It's very easy to say "just leave." It feels impossible to leave. What I can tell you is this. When I left my abusive partner I couldn't believe how much easier it was than I thought it was going to be. Does that make sense?
As for his mother telling you to pray about it and it will get better? Well, it often seems as though our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect. We pray that he will be nice and stop drinking. We pray that he will realize what he is doing. We pray that things will be OK. Things WILL be OK but maybe the answer to your prayers is on this forum. Maybe the answer that God is trying to give you is to leave and be happy. In the big picture of your life this is but a grain of sand on a beach. You have every right to change your mind. And, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I know how embarrassing it feels but you are not an alcoholic, abusive person. HE IS. The only one who should be ashamed is him.
I would love to know how you're doing so I really hope that you will update on the forum!!