Maybe its just me.

36broken · 05-12-2012, 01:08 AM

My husband and I have only been married 3 years. We married young and of course we are still young so when I talk to friends or family they just tell me "Your young you will get over it". My husband admitted to me he has been looking at porn since we started dating [I was 15 him 16 so it makes sense] he also admitted to me that he hasn't stopped. You see my husband is a soldier so when he is deployed it isn't that big of a deal to me.. well that's a lie I don't get it.. but maybe that's just the way I think or the way I was raised. He also drinks and get mean.. He has NEVER hit me but he scares me. He treats me terribly when he has been drinking and then the next day acts like he did nothing. I am not crazy emotional but when he says the things he does to me or yells them I get scared. His father was abused his mother and my father also abused my mother. so I know the signs but maybe its just me or he is stressed about the deployment coming up. My husband also does this thing now where he has the only say. I asked him why my opinion didn't matter and he said it does but in the end mine is all that matters. I am very confused my friends say " leave him, Im tired of listening to you cry, he isn't the man you married, etc.. My family doesn't really know that side of him [I would be to ashamed to even tell them] His mother knows all of it but the porn. She tells me to pray and it will get better. I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong or maybe I dont understand enough. I am so emotionally drained! I dont know what to do!

EleGirl · 05-12-2012, 02:51 AM

Praying alone will not make it better. Pray for the guidance and strength to do the right thing.

There is nothing that excuses your husband yelling and scaring you. How often does this happen? It si normal for an abuser to act like thing happened after a blow up.

You say that he has not hit you. Has he ever grabbed or pushed you in anger? Does he throw things? Put holes in walls?

If a person’s drinking negatively affects their life, they are considered an alcoholic. Your husband becomes abusive when he drinks. He has drinking and anger problems. People who are abusers use any excuse to justify their abuse. On top of that they get worse with time. You have already seen an escalation in his abuse over the time of your marriage. It’s not going to get better. It’s going ot get worse.

How does his porn use impact your sex life? Does he seem to prefer the porn to being intimate with you?

To me he sounds like a person who has learned to use abusive behavior to control others.. like you. Like many who grew up in an abusive household he has anger issues. His drinking is out of hand. I don’t know if the porn in an addiction issue or and occasional thing with him.

Why are you allowing all of this harmful behavior in your life? Please go see someone at a domestic violence center. They can help you. They understand what you are going through.

36broken · 05-12-2012, 12:02 PM

Honestly I have no idea how the porn is.. He hides it. He has even went as far as watching it at work so I dont find out. if it wasnt for him using my laptop once I would of never found out. I deal with it because I grew up in a family where when you marry you marry for life. I know he has gotten worse over time. and I fear this next deployment will make him even worse.

36broken · 05-12-2012, 12:05 PM

Sorry I didnt reply to all. He gets mean when he drinks and he drinks a lot. he always says he will stop but he starts up less then a week later. He has never hit me he has tried to block me from leaving the house or room we are in. He has ripped keys out of my hand and cut me with them. I just didnt want him to drive while he was drunk.

MyTwoCents · 05-19-2012, 04:17 PM

36broken... there is always an excuse for poor behavior but at the end of the day that's all it is... an excuse. You are so beautiful!!! And you seem to be very sweet and easy to please. It is certainly not too much to expect that your husband doesn't yell at you or degrade you. My guess is that if anyone ever spoke to you the way HE does that he would kill them so why does he think its OK for HIM to do it?

All that said, there is something called a cycle of abuse. Picture a circle drawn on a piece of paper. At the very top of that circle is the marriage/honeymoon stage where everything is love and flowers and blue skies! As you turn to the right those days slowly fade and abuse sets in.... at this point you question your relationship and wonder if you want to stay in it. The next phase is a blow up. Something terrible happens AGAIN and at this point you realize that you should end the relationship. That is usually when the abusive or mean, whatever you want to call it, partner realizes that they have lost control and they could lose you. That's the remorseful stage. They are sorry. It will never happen again. They are just upset about (insert one of a million bull**** excuses here) and they love you. They start to show you how much they love you. They are super sweet, all attentive, most likely more affectionate and careful with their words. Then, WE, the poor people that have to live with this forget the bad stuff and fall back in love. We SO MUCH want them to be the person we dreamed of spending our life with that when we see an ounce of change we are hopeful that it will all be good now. But, a circle always comes FULL circle and so the cycle continues. You will again at some point be back at that part of the circle where something terrible has happened again and you know you should have left the last time. It's a vicious cycle.

I think that your mother obviously loves you and is well intentioned when she tells you that you are young and you will get over it BUT I personally think that is absolutely horrific advice. While she is your mother, she is also just a human being and you really have to look at the source the advice is coming from. In this situation, the advice is coming from someone who allows herself to be abused. You would never go to a battered woman and ask her what to do about your abusive marriage, would you? We as people expect that our parents will tell us what to do and that they know what's best BECAUSE they are our parents... but again, they are just people too.

Your friends shouldn't be telling you that they are sick and tired of listening to you cry but I am sure that they feel like their hands are tied and wish to God they could shake you and have you suddenly file for divorce and forget about him. Well, thats very nice on paper but it's not that easy, is it? Its always easier to see things from the outside looking in. They haven't invested themselves emotionally to this man the way that you have. It's very easy to say "just leave." It feels impossible to leave. What I can tell you is this. When I left my abusive partner I couldn't believe how much easier it was than I thought it was going to be. Does that make sense?

As for his mother telling you to pray about it and it will get better? Well, it often seems as though our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect. We pray that he will be nice and stop drinking. We pray that he will realize what he is doing. We pray that things will be OK. Things WILL be OK but maybe the answer to your prayers is on this forum. Maybe the answer that God is trying to give you is to leave and be happy. In the big picture of your life this is but a grain of sand on a beach. You have every right to change your mind. And, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I know how embarrassing it feels but you are not an alcoholic, abusive person. HE IS. The only one who should be ashamed is him.

I would love to know how you're doing so I really hope that you will update on the forum!!