Ive struggled for years with my porn/masturbation addiction. I was first introduced to it finding my stepdad's collection of erotic fiction. From there id come across it here and there, and my stepdad even bought me some mags.
I never felt like it escalated to other things though. I know ive been very compulsive with my porn/masturbation addiction. However, it has subsided greatly through the past 5 years, but when that urge hits me, and the opportunity is there - i feel like i cant stop it.
Im writing because everything came to a head a couple of weeks ago. Let me preface by saying im married with children. A family member had a birthday party at a club close to where i live, so i went just to get out for a night. My wife isnt into that sort of thing, and occasionally i do find that atmosphere entertaining. She let me go, and most of the night, dancing and drinking, i was ok. Towards the end of the night, i danced with someone and it got very heated. It became very sexual, and i felt horrible about it, the alcohol i had drank by then clouded my judgement undoubtedly. We never kissed and i left her on the dance floor and went home. I told my wife about it, since i was wracked with guilt and didnt want her to hear about it from someone else. She was upset, but forgave me.
A couple of days later though, all these other "indiscretions" that ive longed buried came up.
1) a few years ago, i had an emotional affair with a woman at work. nothing physical ever happened, and i confessed to my wife about it then. she knows i had feelings for her, and that we had discussed sex, as a topic of conversation, nothing like cyber sex. however, the one thing my wife doesnt know is this other woman did tell me one time a graphic description about her first experience with a toy. this always bothered me that i didnt tell my wife this detail - but couldnt bring myself to tell her.
2) years back, my wife's sister and husband were having issues. my wife relayed to me a story about how her sister made 'a video' for her husband, i guess as a way to make him realize what he was missing. I wasnt really sure what the content was, but being overly sexual, i was always curious. a couple of summers ago, i ended up being alone at this sister's house for a little while with all of our kids. while the kids played in the backyard, i went into the master bedroom and searched for the video. i never found it, and after a couple of minutes, it hit me how creepy this was and stopped. i went back outside and just played with the kids, but never told my wife about it.
3) this last one was the more repeated behavoir. on the weekends, my wife would often leave me alone with the kids during their naptimes and would go shopping/run errands. during their naps, or when they were up watching tv in another room, id lock myself in the bedroom and quietly watch porn and masturbate. with my eldest i did this often. since theyve gotten older, and knock on the door wondering what im doing, ive stopped. the last time ive done this was 6 months ago at least. same thing as #2, as theyve gotten older and ive become more aware of how compulsive my porn viewing can be ive curtailed that. My wife has caught me watching porn before but its at night when everyone is sleeping, but i dont think she knows about this.
All of these are past behaviors that have scared me straight in alot of ways. My porn viewing is down to a couple times a month, when im up late at night and everyone is asleep.
I want to repeat that #1 and #2 are not even a urge for me anymore. and the idea of watching porn when the kids are up to me is a no-go as well. ive essentially only allowed the porn watching when im up at night or home alone. but id like to kick the porn viewing all together. i feel like everything ive listed is somewhat linked to my porn/masturbation addiction (along with other issues).
I guess my monster question is do i confess all of this to my wife? i do not have the urge to do the offensive behaviors anymore, like i stated above. i want everyone to understand that. I cannot impress that enough. but if i do confess all of this, im scared shell leave me, and im terrified of not being an everyday father to my children. plus, i feel like i would be transferring all the pain and hurt of what ive done onto them, instead of it being my own cross to bear, my constant reminder to be vigilant of my lust when it becomes unleashed. but i want us to have an honest relationship. i want her to love me for my warts and all, but at the same time i dont want to hurt her anymore than i have. i dont want to see my children every other weekend. advice and perspective would be appreciated.
I want to be the man ive always aspired to be. I want to be the man my wife knows i can be, when im at my best. I want to be a man my children look up to, trust and are proud of. Ive done enough to this point to screw all that up. Ive finally accepted my sins, ive connected the dots. But i dont want my wife to suffer anymore than she has because of it. and i definitely dont want my children to lose their father to a part time basis (im a great dad).
Here's my take....#1 & #2 are things of the past...you already came clean about the EA and going back there to reveal an additional conversation the woman had with you serves no purpose other than to clear your own mind. Honestly, #2 does sound a bit creepy but you dropped it so again disclosing this would only hurt your wife.
I do think they all somewhat fall under the same umbrella of your sexual urges & if your current thoughts are that you want to stop completely, maybe talking to your wife about the porn and the compulsive urges you sometimes get to view it might be the way to go about this...basically, reaching out to her for help. She might get upset and/or might be glad you are being honest with her but hopefully she will be supportive. She could be your accountability person...where she puts a key logger on your computer and can check what you are doing...and/or you contact her whenever you have these urges.
I think some of your behavior can b incorporated into a healthy relationship and lifestyle, other behavior is problematic and should be curtailed. I think talking with your wife will take tremendous courage, and if she sticks it out with you she deserves all your love ond more.
To parse through what is okay, if not kinky, behavior, and that which is harming you and your family.
Watching porn as a young adult and at night? Probably ok.
Emotional Affairs? Most-likely bad. Sharing steamy stories with friends? It can be fun, but your wife should be invited to the conversation. Can't invite her? then probably refrain.
You know it was creepy to look for your sister-in-laws tape, and you stopped yourself, that is a success.
Finally, watching porn while your kids sleep? This is tricky, obviously parenting is a full-time job and one has to be creative in finding personal time. But if they are waking and wondering where you are, I think you should be playing and caring for them.
I think that you feel very guilty. And some of it is justified, and some of it is not warranted. Take a step back, examine how your behavior affects your family, and try to adjust accordingly.
You have a problem all right. A serious mental obsession. However, it has nothing to do with porn or masturbation. You have a guilt complex. You feel guilty over every little thing no matter how innocent or normal it might be.
I think the best analogy is that you treat your conscious the way a "clean freak" treats their home. In other words, a clean freak might have an uncontrollable urge to spend 4 hours a day cleaning and sterilizing their home. You seem to have an uncontrollable urge to keep your conscious clean by admitting every insignificant little thing to your wife.
You said you had an "emotional affair" at work and nothing happened. And you "confessed" this to your wife. Everyone is allowed to have crushes on other people. Your wife should know this, and she certainly doesn't want to hear about every person you have a tiny crush on. Rubbing those details in her face is unnecessary and not fair to her.
Think of it this way. If you go to the bathroom and have an explosive poo, leaving bits of shrapnel all over the rim and the underside of the seat, would you bring your wife into the bathroom and show her what you did, apologizing profusely for making the mess? NO. You would flush the toilet, wipe it down and scrub it with a cleaner, leaving no evidence whatsoever of what happened, and you would move on. What you're doing is the emotional equivalent of the toilet thing.
Searching for your sister in law's sex video was a little creepy, but like you said, you instantly realized this and stopped yourself. So you obviously don't have any problem with a lack of a conscience.
And for god's sake, stop beating yourself up over wanking! Every guy needs a release. It's pointless to walk around all day with an "itchy prostate". Locking yourself in the room and discretely "cleaning your pipes" is totally appropriate. Maybe if you weren't so sexually repressed, you wouldn't feel the urge to scrounge your sister in law's shelves for pornos.
As an aside, how is your sex life? How often do have orgasms, whether by your wife or by your own hand? Personally, I can rarely go more than 2 days between release. And watching porn, regardless of what others say, does not indicate infidelity. It means you want to get the "wank session" over and done with in 5-10 minutes, not 20-30 minutes.
To summarize, stop feeling guilty about everything, stop confessing every little thing to your wife, and stop being so sexually repressed!